德克的猪拍砖啊！ 跪求意见

Many people have a close relationship with their pets. These people
treat their birds, cats, or other animals as members of their family. In
your opinion, are such relationships good? Why or why not? Use
specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In the modern society, more and more people like to raise the pets, such as birds, cat, or dogs

as the bailment of their feelings, so they treat them as members of their family. Although so many

people have a close relationship with their pets, I don’t think such a relationship is good.

To begin with the resource reason, a lot of people supply too many extravagant things to their pets,

such as pet food, pet clothes, pet restaurant, and even pet sitter. As all we know, there are so many

children in Africa, who are still in hunger. Do you think we should spend so much resource on the pets?

Can’t we use the money to help the poor people? As far as I’m concerned, we should make sense of

our money or our natural resource to balance our society. It is a criminal that somebody’s pets lead

a more luxurious life than others.

Another reason is about our health. We all know that animals often take some infectious disease,

which are harmful to our health. If the family has a baby, the danger is more serious, for the baby

has the low immunity. Person who is bitten by the animals has the possibility to infect a serious

 disease called hydrophobia. If the immediate cure isn’t done, person will die in 100%.

Pets also take various helminthes, which can also parasitize on human. They compete for nutrition

with human hosts, which can lead to host innutritious.

The last reason but not least is that we can’t expect pets have feelings of human beings.

A lot of people lose confidence of other people for deception and trick, consequently they would

rather place their emotion on pets. In their eyes, pets won’t betray them forever. Psychology

experts say that it is an isolative mentality which is harmful to one’s psychological health. We

 often watch the movies which have the terrible scenes that an isolated old woman dies lonely

 in her house with a dog, several days later, her body is found by the milkman or mailman.

In my opinion, it is ridiculous for people can only trust their pets.

Since not only because of the resource relation, but also because of the health relation,

I argue that it isn’t wise to treat pets as our family members. We should love others and

accept love from others.

你的文字格式很诡异噎·······改起来很麻烦，建议你先用word文档编辑一下

什么时候考？

如果时间紧迫，我尽快帮你改

Many people have a close relationship with their pets. These people
treat their birds, cats, or other animals as members of their family. In
your opinion, are such relationships good? Why or why not? Use
specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In the modern society, more and more people like(tend) to raise the pets, such as birds, cat, or dogs as the bailment(在金山词霸上bailment的确是<寄托>的意思,我也见过中国学生用bailment表示<寄托>,但是我查了很多的字典,都没有看到有外国人使用bailment表示寄托这个概念,所以这里建议慎用) of their feelings, so(therefore,我一直都不喜欢用so来表示因此,因为so被使用的平率太高,而且太短) they treat them as members of their family. Although so many(a multitude of) people have a close(intimate也可以表示亲密) relationship with their pets, I don’t(do not, 在正式写作中不要出现简写,如:isn't, doesn't这类,这些都是要拆开的) think such a relationship is good(think这样的词汇最好避免，这里可以说I do not deeam such a relationship as a good one).

To begin with the resource reason(resource reason?这个用法我没有见过,希望解释一下,谢谢), a lot of people supply too many extravagant things(这里用enjoyments吧,表示享乐的事物,很符合语境) to their pets, such as(such as有一个比较好的替换就是say,这里就可以写为:say, pet food, pet clothes, etc.同时,为了和前面的extravagant形成对应,这里最好用一些形容词来修饰这些pet的东西) pet food, pet clothes, pet restaurant, and even pet sitter. As all we(we all) know, there are so many children in Africa, who are still in hunger(这个句子的表达是很清楚的,但是不是很具体.我的意思是,形容<饿>,可以用一个具体点的东西来说,而不是一个很宽泛的hunger,比如:there are countless children in Africa, who are now undergoing the affliction resulted from natural disasters and intense poverty-from sunup till moon on their backs, they could scarcely find something to eat.). Do you think (it is an acceptable suggestion that)we should spend(如果你想要表达情感充分一点,这里可以用dissipate,挥霍浪费来代替spend) so much resource on the pets (instead of those unfortunate people still in thirsty of basic needs,把这个再重复一次,是文章更有冲击力)? Can’t we use the money to help the poor people(如果前面按我说的那样改,这里就多余了点.同时,在这句之前你已经用了一次反问,所以这里最好也不重复了.另外,我并不建议用反问,我更倾向于用设问:Is it an acceptable suggestion that we should dissipate the limited resources on pets instead of those unfortunate people still in thirty of basic needs? Of course not.)? As far as I’m(I am) concerned, we should make sense of our money or our natural resource to balance our society. It is a criminal that somebody’s pets lead a more luxurious life than others(human).(这段的思想上升得比较高,虽然我一直认为不要将作文的观点上升到人类的高度,但是这段的理由是很能让人接受.以后你要写非洲难民惨,就要写惨点,就用我给你写的那个句子:从日出到日落都找不到吃的,这样才好引起阅卷人的共鸣)

Another reason is about our health. We all know(最好不要重复用词,这里就算写It is known to all也要好一些) that animals often take some infectious diseases, which are harmful to our health. If the(one) family has a baby, the danger is more serious, for the baby has the(a) low(low来形容似乎不太合适,这里我建议用fragile,脆弱的) immunity(这里写成:for the immunity of a baby is, to a certain extent, fragile). Person(One) who is bitten by the animals has the possibility to infect a serious disease called hydrophobia. If the immediate cure isn’t done(Without a immediate cure to be done), person(s/he) will die in 100%(一定会死?这个我不清楚,但是100%这个东西可能用得不是太好,这里可以委婉的说:the chances for him/her to survive are fairly remote).
   Pets also take various helminthes(表达可以不这么直接ets, in most cases, are also the ideal hosts of various/miscellaneous parasites), which can(would) also parasitize on human. They compete for nutrition with human hosts, which can lead to host innutritious.

The last reason but not least is that we can’t expect pets have feelings of human beings. A lot of people lose confidence of other people for deception and trick(deception和trick似乎有概念的重复), consequently they would rather place their emotion on pets. In their eyes, pets won’t betray them forever. Psychology experts say that it is an isolative mentality which is harmful to one’s psychological health. We often watch the movies which have the terrible scenes that an isolated old woman dies lonely in her house with a dog, several days later, her body is found(corpse) by the milkman or mailman. In my opinion, it is ridiculous for people can only trust their pets. (这个例子嘛,我个人不是很赞成.而且TOEFL写作还是写比较阳光的吧,狗杀人这种就算了.牵强的例子最好不用)

Since not only because of the resource relation, but also because of the health relation, I argue that it isn’t wise to treat pets as our family members. We should love others and accept love from others.

整体而言还是不错的，不要看到有很多红色就认为写得不好。其实我只是在很多小的地方多下功夫，希望你的作文可以达到表达充分得当，用词多样准确，尽善尽美。