急！HK的大学，PS求大神大牛指教修改，自己写的不知道对不对路，附完整文档，经历寒碜。

DeSperado32 · 发表于 2012-10-28 19:31:38

the materials are good. but you need to present a better reason concerning why you are interested in this field. u need to tell the admission officer your thoughts and solutions toward such a downturn in the clothing industry instead of simply demonstrating your admiration of your father. that does not necessarily account for your motivation. u'll surely find it difficult to map solutions, but when u find what u are lacking, u'll understand what u need through the program or what the program can offer u.

cserstyle · 发表于 2012-10-28 20:23:37

thanks a lot,
do you mean i need to analyse the downturn then give my opinions and suggestions, also, i need to emphasise more on my motivation in the last paragragh?

cserstyle · 发表于 2012-10-28 20:24:27

the materials are good. but you need to present a better reason concerning why you are interested in this field. u need to tell the admission officer your thoughts and solutions toward such a downturn in the clothing industry instead of simply demonstrating your admiration of your father. that does not necessarily account for your motivation. u'll surely find it difficult to map solutions, but when u find what u are lacking, u'll understand what u need through the program or what the program can offer u.

-- by 会员 DeSperado32 (2012/10/28 19:31:38)

thanks a lot,
do you mean i need to analyse the downturn then give my opinions and suggestions, also, i need to emphasise more on my motivation in the last paragragh?

margueritee · 发表于 2012-10-28 20:55:22

写的好好哦~~

cserstyle · 发表于 2012-10-28 21:02:27

写的好好哦~~

-- by 会员 margueritee (2012/10/28 20:55:22)

求批改意见啊，经上面那位大牛提醒，我发现好多不足。求您多多指教啊。

DeSperado32 · 发表于 2012-10-28 21:10:40

exactly. u must present your personal opinions to bridge the phenomenon u've observed and your motivation. your suggestions or solutions should contribute to the real business. if u state a phenomenon without detailed analysis, people won't understand how the experience influenced u.
besides, it doesn't matter whether your motivation appears in the first or last paragraph as long as your logic and experience answer the question: "why this program".

cserstyle · 发表于 2012-10-28 21:43:01

exactly. u must present your personal opinions to bridge the phenomenon u've observed and your motivation. your suggestions or solutions should contribute to the real business. if u state a phenomenon without detailed analysis, people won't understand how the experience influenced u.
besides, it doesn't matter whether your motivation appears in the first or last paragraph as long as your logic and experience answer the question: "why this program".

-- by 会员 DeSperado32 (2012/10/28 21:10:40)

U mentioned “if u state a phenomenon without detailed analysis, people won't understand how the experience influenced u.”
I am not sure if this part can answer the “analysis”--- Since the financial crisis, facing with the challenges from recession, slumping orders, staff shortages and rising wages, etc, hundreds of thousands of small-scale clothing factories in Pearl River Delta have closed.
Or should I present more details.
And one question, Is will better if I cut a little in the description about the process of the conversation?
I will try to make some suggestions.
It’s so kind of you

DeSperado32 · 发表于 2012-10-28 22:14:16

your analysis covers the reasons everybody can tell--slumping orders, rising wages. its too general and people cannot tell whether supply chain problems have played a key role in the recession. if so, can the knowledge of supply chain management solve these problems? how? if not, the analysis is meaningless to your pursuit.

DeSperado32 · 发表于 2012-10-28 22:20:29

regarding the conversation, i think there is no need to address too many in your essay. to deliver the most important information in an organized way. after all, u r not telling a story.

急！HK的大学，PS求大神大牛指教修改，自己写的不知道对不对路，附完整文档，经历寒碜。

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