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请各位帮我看看我写的essay,多提宝贵意见

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楼主
发表于 2005-10-26 15:01:00 | 只看该作者

请各位帮我看看我写的essay,多提宝贵意见

1.   Discuss three accomplishments which demonstrate your potential as a successful leader


Founding a software company and running it well is my most substantial accomplishment. In 2003, I found xxx company with several partners. Since all my partners and I were technical guys before, I started my business from “technical training”. But this business was not successful. Very few people were interested the training that we provided. I found the idea of providing training is not feasible for us because people usually trust big companies instead of start-ups like us, and also we cannot differentiate our training from our competitors. After some investigation and talking with my partners, I turned our business direction to digital image software products. In view of the prevalence of digital camera, our first product-- xxx was intended to meet the fast-growing needs for digital photo processing tools. To overcome the difficulty of lacking money for market promotion, I setup our market model based on the concept of shareware. Now our company has made a profit as10,000 copies have been sold till Sep, 2005.


The second achievement which I am proud of is successfully finished xxx project when I was a project manager in xxx company. xxx hospital is one of the biggest hospitals in Shanghai. Our team had only 10 developers, and we had only little experience on the similar systems for small hospitals. The challenge was daunting, and some team members even had no confidence to complete the project on time. The biggest challenge for me is how to high up the spirit. At the beginning, I called for a formal kick-off meeting for the project. In the meeting, I invited our company’s CEO and let him give a firm commitment that the whole company will support our team as much as it can. I wanted our team members to feel that they are not alone facing the challenge. I also gave a speech. In the speech, I described the project as a high mountain, and all team members were to reach the summit before dark. All must prove he is a real hero by accomplishing the task, and what he has achieved will be recorded and circulated in the company. At last, the team members were all engaged and motivated. They were all cheering with the slogan “Go! Go! Go!  Hero! Hero! Hero!” at the end of the meeting. I knew we got the spirit we needed. At last the project finished on time and out team got high recognition from customers and company.

The third achievement was organizing a “science cultural festival” successfully when I was the president of department graduated student association in my university. The festival includes many activities such as sports contest, concert, model show, English speech competition, personal website designing contest and so on. I built an organizing team, which was divided to several sub-teams to organize various activities. Besides organizing activities, I must make budget plan to be approved by university administration. Many works, such as brochure printing, costume renting, VIP inviting, need collaborations with outside companies and organizations, . My communication and negotiation skill helped me a lot in these works. Most of the students enjoyed the festival very much. Till now many of my schoolmates often tell me their joy ness in that festival. I was very proud of the success of the festival.
沙发
发表于 2005-10-27 00:18:00 | 只看该作者

个人意见:语言需要大的改进,体现在两个方面:一是语法。暂且不论句式的复杂度和变化,蛮多地方的语法都出现了错误;二是叙述。过多地使用了口语化语言以及情感式的叙述方式,缺乏严密的逻辑。


另外,楼主没有明确指出你通过每个case学到的最重要的东西是什么,为什么觉得这很重要(比如可以说对于今后与人沟通交流有帮助等)。此外,楼主还应仔细考虑一下一个good leader最应具备的究竟是哪些?比如说,大局观,知人善用,良好的沟通技巧,敏锐的观察力,压力下决策的能力,等等等等


Essay是向admissions committee展示自己的绝好机会,所以,如何在有限的篇幅内不说与主题无关或是意义不大的废话,还是值得细究的。


good luck!


[此贴子已经被作者于2005-10-27 0:22:44编辑过]
板凳
 楼主| 发表于 2005-10-27 11:48:00 | 只看该作者

谢谢指教!

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