六六图样图森破的作文贴，求批求指导！！

lijinglol · 发表于 2013-7-31 14:36:36

本人写作文的一大特点就是……
奇！慢！无！比！
求解求建议T^T托福在考场上少些点字还能勉强【揍……sat的时候整个都崩了TAT……
求狠批！

lijinglol · 发表于 2013-7-31 14:37:35

7.31独立作文：The government should not give any financial support to artists (musician, filmmaker, painter...)

Hardly in this world can anyone approve that art can progress with isolation. Artists, no matter which respect they excel in and how talented they might be, need platforms and equipments to show their brilliance. Only in this way can artists enhance the overall cultural values and appreciations of the whole nation. However, the responsibility of investing on art has been added blindly to the government. We should analyze the issue in balance.

Artists invariably reach a point where they can hardly make any progress due to the monetary restrictions. To be more specific, a photographer has to buy a high end camera if eager to make a perfect work and an appropriate violin is necessary to a distinguished violinist as well. Likewise, displays and concerts have to be arranged to fulfill the basic needs of painters and musicians. In short, artists require these equipments and platforms to be recognized and acclaimed. Yet few of them have the ability to achieve that by themselves. In this case, financial limitations confine their creativity and inspiration, which are among the most important factors in developing their potentials. Therefore, financial support is of paramount importance to the artists.

Admittedly, government can provide mighty and strong oriented support which can hardly be accomplished by individuals or private organizations. And art, in turn, can provide inspiration, lift human spirit, and incite the whole country’s creativity and imagination, benefiting its citizens. However, it is not the government’s obligation to invest on art. Government is an administrative body responsible to the whole nation. Inadequate resources call for restrictions, priorities and choices. There are, I’m afraid, better ways that the legislators can utilize the funds. To put it exactly, government could build fundamental infrastructures and amenities, uplift the education of all and create jobs for the unemployed, all of which can visually improve the quality of residents’ lives.

Furthermore, nor is the private sector without its ability to support art. As a matter of fact, art has always been depended on the patronage of individuals and private businesses. Back to the time of Renaissance, distinguished painters such as Michelangelo and Raphael were frequently supported by the aristocracy. Besides, private organizations can collect the avenues of concerts and displays, where the government’s intervention and assistance is unnecessary.

In sum, although artists should definitely be given strong support, it is private individuals and businesses that should do the job, not the government, since investing on art is neither its proper role nor its necessary character.

lijinglol · 发表于 2013-7-31 15:26:12

7.31综合写作：TPO21

In the lecture the speaker challenges the opinion in the reading that genetic modified trees can bring great benefits by asserting that they can bring serious consequences.

First, the fact that genetically modified trees are hardier than nature trees does not insure their survival. When facing a catastrophe, nature trees can always have some individuals that are resistant to the certain problem remained to make sure the species' survival. However, the modified trees are genetically uniform and may be wiped out by one calamity such as a climate change or a new pest invasion.

Second, the speaker doesn't think genetically modified trees can bring economic benefits, because they have hidden consequences. For example, the companies can charge more money for modified trees seeds and let the farmers pay every time they plant.

Finally, although genetically modified trees grow faster, they can hardly solve the overexpliotation problem and may even cause more damage to the local wild trees. Because there will be more modified trees than the nature ones, and thus modified trees will outcompete the latter for resources and even clean them out.

单人房双人床 · 发表于 2013-8-1 14:56:26

7.31独立作文：The government should not give any financial support to artists (musician, filmmaker, painter...)

Hardly in this world can anyone approve that art can progress with isolation. Artists, no matter which respect(field) they excel in and how talented they might be, need platforms and equipments to show their brilliance. Only in this way can artists enhance the overall cultural values and appreciations of the whole nation. However, the responsibility of investing on(invest in) art has been added blindly to the government. We should analyze the(this) issue in balance.

Artists invariably reach a point where they can hardly make any progress due to the monetary restrictions. To be more specific, a photographer has to buy a high end( high-tech) camera if eager to make a perfect work and an appropriate violin is necessary to a distinguished violinist as well. Likewise, displays and concerts have to be arranged to fulfill the basic needs of painters and musicians. In short, artists require these equipments and platforms to be recognized and acclaimed. （读着别扭，但又改不出来错误撒。）Yet few of them have the ability to achieve that by themselves. In this case, financial limitations confine their creativity and inspiration, which are among the most important factors in developing their potentials. Therefore, financial support is of paramount importance to the artists.(同学，我认为艺术家需要发展自身，但受到经济的限制，并不是政府就应该向其投资的条件。)

Admittedly, government can provide mighty and strong oriented support（没看明白） which can hardly be accomplished by individuals or private organizations. And art, in turn, can provide inspiration, lift human spirit, and incite the whole country’s creativity and imagination, benefiting its citizens. However, it is not the government’s obligation to invest on art. Government is an administrative body responsible to the whole nation. Inadequate resources call for restrictions, priorities and choices. There are, I’m afraid, better ways that the legislators can utilize the funds. To put it exactly, government could build fundamental infrastructures and amenities, uplift the education of all and create jobs for the unemployed, all of which can visually improve the quality of residents’ lives.（没看明白，这段为什么要让步，也没看明白，这段的段落主旨是什么。）

Furthermore, nor is the private sector without its ability to support art. As a matter of fact, art has always been depended on the patronage of individuals and private businesses. Back to the time of Renaissance, distinguished painters such as Michelangelo and Raphael were frequently supported by the aristocracy. Besides, private organizations can collect the avenues of concerts and displays, where the government’s intervention and assistance is unnecessary.( 因为艺术可以得到其他方面的经济支持，政府就不支持了？我觉得理由有些牵强)

In sum, although artists should definitely be given strong support, it is private individuals and businesses that should do the job, not the government, since investing on art is neither its proper role nor its necessary character.
总体意见：
我个人觉得你写得有点偏题了。我个人的理解是：艺术家需不需要政府支持，并不是艺术家缺不缺钱，这不是重点。重点是：艺术家能给社会做出多少贡献，如果艺术家对社会影响大，贡献多，政府当然要支持了。如果艺术对社会发展没什么作用，政府不支持也是理所当然的。
逻辑：不够清晰。三个主体段，让人看不清是个什么关系。
论证：没有具体的例子进行支撑。举举个人例子，弄个调查研究什么的。让论证丰富起来。
语言：感觉很从地方读着从语法上看没什么问题，但感觉不是很地道。
以上个人意见，我也是在不断摸索中。共同进步哈！！！多多讨论。

lijinglol · 发表于 2013-8-1 21:02:28

8.1独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
We can learn about one person from books and movies that the person likes.

Judging by appearances has long been condemned by all cultures in the world, however, one can never fail to deduce judiciously and accurately about others’ disposition and temper by paying attention to his or her preference of mental entertainments such as books and movies. Chosen by personal interest, they frequently reveal the underlying human desire, surface one’s spiritual status, divulge the latent, or even hidden, merits and drawbacks, and thus making it pretty natural to learn about that person’s details.

No one can avoid being influenced by movies around us, because beneficially or adversely, they are, in fact, exerting a subtle effect on us. For those who consider movies as a school to enhance their standard of appreciation and to bring education in all aspects, movies can render them crucial virtues like valiancy, persistence, and honesty. To be more specific, few movies we may have watched, The Shawshank Redemption should never be missed and I have watched it over and over again and deeply touched by the hero while becoming more and more informed and tolerant. On the contrary, vulgar and tedious movies can invariably degenerate one’s ambition and corrode his or her aspiration. Therefore, the movies people watch frequently determine the circumstances that they were exposed to, and consequently become a helpful factor to learn about them.

Likewise, books never fail to fascinate human beings with all levels of education and various kinds of background. To put it exactly, science students like me may find Steven Hawking’s A Brief History of Time so appealing that I can spend all night reading it. But things go exactly opposite when come to the art students. While labeling all science books as tedious and obscure, they may consider On the Road as a brilliant biography that is replete with history. As is known to us all, science and art students have extremely different logic and thinking process. Therefore, By analyzing the books people read, we can readily draw accurate conclusions on their ways of getting through troubles.

In conclusion, we can definitely learn a lot about people from their preference of books and movies because they reflect and echo our spiritual levels and can direct our lives in all orientations.

lijinglol · 发表于 2013-8-1 21:07:07

单人房双人床发表于 2013-8-1 14:56
7.31独立作文：The government should not give any financial support to artists (musician, filmmaker, ...

谢谢！~我结构确实不好>,<……嗯嗯加例子也很必要><~
PS.能把字稍微改大一点么><我想看的时候很麻烦……谢谢~

applesoforever · 发表于 2013-8-1 22:27:27

In the lecture the speaker challenges the opinion in the reading that genetic modified trees can bring great benefits by asserting that they can bring serious consequences.(好长..)

First, the fact is that genetically modified trees which are hardier than nature trees does(do) not insure their survival. When facing a catastrophe, nature trees can always have some individuals that are resistant to the certain problem remained to make sure the species' survival. However, the modified trees are genetically uniform and may be wiped out by one calamity such as a(删) climate change or a new pest invasion.

Second, the speaker doesn't think(显得主观) genetically modified trees can bring economic benefits, because they have hidden consequences. For example, the companies can charge more money for modified trees seeds and let the farmers pay every time(everytime) they planted.

Finally, although genetically modified trees grow faster, they can hardly solve the over expliotation problem(此处逻辑..) and may even cause more damage to the local wild trees. Because there will be more modified trees than the nature(natural) ones, and thus modified trees will outcompete the latter for resources and even clean them out.

嘿嘿~~
加油~

单人房双人床 · 发表于 2013-8-1 22:27:40

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-1 21:07
谢谢！~我结构确实不好>,

童鞋，好嘀。下次给你改的时候，用大些的字体。

单人房双人床 · 发表于 2013-8-2 10:34:51

8.1独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
We can learn about one person from books and movies that the person likes.

Judging by appearances has long been condemned by all cultures in the world, however, one can never fail to deduce judiciously and accurately about others’ disposition and temper by paying attention to his or her preference of mental entertainments such as books and movies. （这句很给力呀！！！）Chosen by personal interest, they frequently reveal the underlying human desire, surface one’s spiritual status, divulge the latent, or even hidden, merits and drawbacks, and thus making it pretty natural to learn about that person’s details.（这句话是你的主论点，那么你的分论点应该从主论点继续发展下去。如果你的主论点是这个，好么你的分论点应该为 individual human desire, spritual status 等可以从电影、书本中显露出来。）

No one can avoid being influenced by movies around us, because beneficially or adversely, they are, in fact, exerting a subtle effect on us. For those who consider movies as a school to enhance their standard of appreciation and to bring education in all aspects, movies can render them crucial virtues like valiancy, persistence, and honesty. To be more specific, few movies we may have watched,（没看明白） The Shawshank Redemption should never be missed and I have watched it over and over again and deeply touched by the hero while becoming more and more informed and tolerant. On the contrary, vulgar and tedious movies can invariably degenerate one’s ambition and corrode his or her aspiration. Therefore, the movies people watch frequently determine the circumstances that they were exposed to, and consequently become a helpful factor to learn about them.（这段的语言不错，但是怎么还是感觉你写的东西，不是特别切题呢。感觉你在写电影对我们的影响，而不是通过观察一个人所喜欢的电影，反映这个人的什么特点，我们可以了解这个人……。）

Likewise, books never fail to fascinate human beings with all levels of education and various kinds of background. （不能支持主论点）To put it exactly, science students like me may find Steven Hawking’s A Brief History of Time so appealing that I can spend all night reading it. But things go exactly opposite when come to the art students. While labeling all science books as tedious and obscure, they may consider On the Road as a brilliant biography that is replete with history. （这个事例跟后面处理事情的思维不一样，感觉不是很匹配。）As is known to us all, science and art students have extremely different logic and thinking process. Therefore, By analyzing the books people read, we can readily draw accurate conclusions on their ways of getting through troubles.（这个角度论述还是挺新颖的）

In conclusion, we can definitely learn a lot about people from their preference of books and movies because they reflect and echo our spiritual levels and can direct our lives in all orientations.（总结段没有能总结全文。）

同学，我还是觉得你的文章，最大的问题就在于逻辑链。首段提出观点，两个主体段去证明首段观点，尾段总结全文观点。就是按这个逻辑去写。感觉你写的很意识流……。还是要加强逻辑训练。
语言方面，很优美，值得学习。

lijinglol · 发表于 2013-8-2 13:34:02

单人房双人床发表于 2013-8-2 10:34
8.1独立写作Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
We can learn about one person from ...

你戳中我命门了……我是想理由超级无能星人= =……这篇写的……都是在最后一句话才把话题拉回来哈哈【揍

六六图样图森破的作文贴，求批求指导！！

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