求狠批。。。写作小弱。。。一天一篇。。跪求狠批

Lexiie · 发表于 2013-8-24 11:51:25

LZ 开学大四，5月一站考toefl。。自己零零散散复习，惨败而归。。写作小白，20分啊！！！四科最低，马上二战9月8日。特此一天一篇作文求大家狠批！！跪求支教

Lexiie · 发表于 2013-8-24 11:58:29

2013.8.24 TPO 29
Do you agree or disagree the following statement:
To improve the quality of education,universities should spend more money on salaries for university professors.Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

提纲：
吸引精英
教学热情高
改善教师生活--提高教学水平

Nowadays,education is becoming increasingly important,as an nessary aspect of education,university education should be improved.In my opiniion,higher salaries for university professors is a good way to achieve that.

To beginning with,there is a common sense that most people will agree is that"money motivates people."So,in many workplaces,not only companies but also governments use reward incentives to excite emplyees to work hard.For example,the police station rewards the police who slove most cases ,and the shopping mall gives premiums to the salesman who sales most products.University is not an exception.Spending more more on salaries for university professors can attract more elite teacher to work in universities.These people have the ability to help university obtain its professional goals and targets.What's more,these teachers may attract more students to apply the university as well.They can give students more knowlege to make them better-educated so that bring reputation to universities.

Secondly,higher salaries can increase teachers willingness to teach.Salaries effect productivity directly.Money gives employees confidence and enthusiasm in working and makes them work better.Teachers may have other works,too.Those surely distract them from focusing on teacher career and reducing the teachering quality.If teachers can earn more money for giving classes,which can help teachers release physical pressures and psycology pressure and help teachers to pay more attention on class and offer more help to universities and students.

In addition,teachers can improve their lives qualities with high salaries.This improvement probably to make teacher more easier to live and more comfortable to teacher.Saving time for making living better,teachers have a lot time study on acdemic issues and efficient teacher mothods.As a biology teacher,he or she may go to the lab or outside to observe some animals for studying on a related topic,then make conclusions about the nature.So not only teachera can acheve more acdemic goals then before but also students can make some efforts with more help from teachers.

Higher salaries have many other advantages other than attract elites,increase willingness or improve teachers lives qualities.So it's absolutely a good way to improve the quality of education.

xianwendy · 发表于 2013-8-26 10:46:00

Nowadays,education is becoming increasingly important,as an nessary aspect of education,university education should be improved.In my opiniion,higher salaries for university professors is a good way to achieve that.

To beginning with,there is a common sense that most people will agree is that"money motivates people."作为第一论点，观点要简洁明了，建议删除上句in many workplaces,not only companies but also governments and 连接更顺畅use rewardfinancial 扣题incentives to excite emplyees to work hard Companies and governments use financial incentives to heighten the morale of employees作为第一个论点.For example,the police station rewards the police who slove most cases ,and the shopping mall gives premiums to the salesman who sales most products.University is not an exception. Spending more more on salaries for university professors can attract more elite teachers to work in universities.These people have the ability to help university obtain its professional goals and targets.What's more,these teachers may attract more students to apply the university as well.They can give students more knowlege to make them better-educatedteacher will impart more knowledge to students, so that 加主语brings reputation to universities. 第一个论点的例子再描写一下老师被激励后是如何具体改进教学的。

Secondly,higher salaries can increase teachers willingness to teach. 是不是和你第一个论点重叠了Salaries effect productivity directly.Money gives employees confidence and enthusiasm in working and makes them work better.和and之前是一个意思，可删除Teachers may have other works,too.具体说说是什么其他的工作Those surely distract them from focusing on teacher career and reducingreduce ，与distract并列 the teachering quality.If teachers can earn more money forby giving classes,which can help teachers release physical pressures and psycology pressure and help teachers to pay more attention on class and offer more help to universities and students.and太多句子太长！把他们分成短句。从第二个论点内容不清晰，例证偏斜。

In addition,teachers can improve their lives qualities with high salaries.This improvement probably to make teacher more easier to live and more comfortable to teacher.Saving time for making living better,teachers have a lot time study on acdemic issues and efficient teacher mothods.As a biology teacher,he or she may go to the lab or outside to observe some animals for studying on a related topic,then make conclusions about the nature.So not only teachera can acheve more acdemic goals then before but also students can make some efforts with more help from teachers.为什么一开始说提高老师生活质量，现在又提到学生？

Higher salaries have many other advantages other than attract elites,increase willingness or improve teachers lives qualities.So it's absolutely a good way to improve the quality of educatio

小朋友如果满分作文是5分的话，我只能给你2分了。
首先，结构不够清晰。三个分论点没有掰开，互相重叠。每个段支持分论点的陈述不扣分论点，思维不集中，例证偏斜。
其二，句式复杂混乱。不要用N个and连接成一个长句，最好分开用合适的连接词连接。AandB句式注意平行并列结构。
其三，多举一些生动具体，更有说服力的例子。比如，要写金钱激励老师的教学质量，就要写老师怎么改善教学质量，可以通过前后对比的手法。
听说你9月考试，作文还要恶补呀！！按照我说的几个方面看看别人写的满分范文和ETS评分标准，相信你会提高很快的！加油！↖(^ω^)↗

求狠批。。。写作小弱。。。一天一篇。。跪求狠批

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