13.11.24作文球好心人批改

whopawhocbtc · 发表于 2013-12-11 22:19:44

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: People who go out to the cities are more successful and happier than people who stay in villages.

At present, the debate on whether people who go out to the city are more successful and happier than people who stay in villages is quite drastic. Some people argue that it is easier to achieve persons' successful in the cities while others maintain the view that living in a small town makes people live a desirable and comfortable life. I think the prior ones may get the point.

Admittedly, the merits of living in a small town is very obvious in our daily life, one of which is that we can live near persons, thus helping us establish good relationship with them. Take my brother, Ted for example, he is living in our small town, and reluctant to go outside, which offers him better chance the get acquaintance with his neighbors who share congeniality with him. It is these precious friends who come to his assistance whenever he is in trouble or in plight, which pave the way for his future success.

However, Living in big cities offers a lot of opportunities and good jobs, thus helping us make lots of money. Money enables people to live in a desirable and comfortable life. Provided with more possessions, they can guarantee the right to good and high qualified education for their young children as well as medical treatment for their old parents. They can buy luxury cars and modernized houses that significantly facilitate their daily life, and engage in a variety of entertainment activities such as watching movies in cinemas and relaxing themselves in karaoke, and doing physical exercises in fitness clubs with private coaches, which greatly enriches their spiritual life.

Finally, it is of convenience to live in a big city. There are more shopping malls in big cities, so we can go shopping without traveling long distance that allows us spending more time with our families. If we want to go to another city, we don't have to drive from villages to an airport but only have to take a bus of the airport which is more economical.

In summary, it is safe to say that living in a city is a wise choice .

兔子走路 · 发表于 2013-12-12 10:06:18

At present, the debate on whether people who go out to the city are more successful and happier than people who stay in villages is quite drastic. Some people argue that it is easier to achieve persons'(personal) successful in the cities while others maintain the view that living in a small town makes people live a desirable and comfortable life. I think the prior ones(one,只是一个观点) may get the point.

Admittedly, the merits of living in a small town is(are) very obvious in our daily life, one of which is that we can live near persons(这句话换一下表达方法，有点简单而且突兀）, thus helping us establish good relationship with them. Take my brother, Ted for example, he is living(live已经出现次数太多了，疲劳） in our small town, and reluctant to go outside, which offers him better chance the get acquaintance with his neighbors who share congeniality(这个词是否是查字典翻译过来的？） with him. It is these precious friends who come to his assistance whenever he is in trouble or in plight, which pave the way for his future success.(句法太凌乱了，为什么要用那么多从句套从句？）

However, Living in big cities offers a lot of opportunities and good jobs, thus helping us make lots of money. Money enables people to live in a desirable and comfortable life. Provided with more possessions, they can guarantee the right to good and high qualified(quality) education for their young children as well as medical treatment for their old parents. They can buy luxury cars and modernized houses that significantly facilitate their daily life, and engage in a variety of entertainment activities such as watching movies in cinemas and relaxing themselves in karaoke, and doing physical exercises in fitness clubs with private coaches, which greatly enriches their spiritual life.

Finally, it is of convenience to live in a big city. There are more shopping malls in big cities, so we can go shopping without traveling long distance that allows us spending more time with our families. If we want to go to another city, we don't have to drive from villages to an airport but only have to take a bus of the airport which is more economical.

In summary, it is safe to say that living in a city is a wise choice .

总结：语法和单词都有些问题，但是个人感觉最大的问题是你借鉴了一些成熟和地道的连接表达形式，这些属于文章的支架框架内容，是值得借鉴的，但是真正属于文章血肉的主体部分，也就是需要你个人发挥的部分非常薄弱，用词单一，表达混乱（抱歉我用了这个词）和冗余太多。这就是最为老外忌讳的，他们研究过大陆学生的作文，一看就知道你是背了模板和很多套话，评分显然不会高了。建议你多专注于主体部分的表达上，那些形式上的结构连词不能说不重要，但是老外更看重的是内容部分。个人愚见，多指教。

whopawhocbtc · 发表于 2013-12-12 11:03:32

十分感谢，水平太低。。。就不去批改你的作文了...

wolfwesley · 发表于 2013-12-31 15:43:37

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: People who go out to the cities are more successful and happier than people who stay in villages.

At present, the debate on whether people who go out to the city are more successful and happier than people who stay in villages is quite drastic. Some people argue that it is easier to achieve persons' successful 换名词 in the cities while others maintain the view that living in a small town makes people live a desirable and comfortable life. I think the prior ones may get the point.

Admittedly, the merits of living in a small town is very obvious in our daily life, one of which is that we can live near persons, thus helping us establish good relationship with them. Take my brother, Ted for example, he is living in our small town, and reluctant to go outside, which offers him better chance the get acquaintance with his neighbors who share congeniality with him. It is these precious friends who come to his assistance whenever he is in trouble or in plight, which pave the way for his future success. (整个这一段除了增加字数，不能为你的中心论点提供任何有用的支撑性作用，虽然托福是一们语言考试，但写作的终极目的永远都只有一个，就是通过合理的逻辑说服读者。你若想用先抑后扬的手法，先抑的部分千万不要超过两句话。比如：Addmittedly, the merits of living in a small town is very obvious in our daily life since people in the villages seem having a closer relationship than those in the cities, however when it comes to personal achievements...... 千万记得，写作一定要永远都围绕着中心思想，其它可有可无的句子其实是非常薄弱无力的，你用这些句子占据你的时间和字数，何不理清思路，把时间和字数留给那些较为有力的说辞？)

However, Living in big cities offers a lot of opportunities and good jobs, thus helping us make lots of money （分论点1）. 你的分论点终于出现，但是你需要证明的不是钱能给我带来什么，而是住在大城市是怎样帮助我们赚到更多的钱的？ Money enables people to live in a desirable and comfortable life. Provided with more possessions, they can guarantee the right to good and high qualified education for their young children as well as medical treatment for their old parents. They can buy luxury cars and modernized houses that significantly facilitate their daily life, and engage in a variety of entertainment activities such as watching movies in cinemas and relaxing themselves in karaoke, and doing physical exercises in fitness clubs with private coaches, which greatly enriches their spiritual life. 该段论证逻辑：城市---赚钱---舒适的生活---良好的教育---医疗条件---房车---生活，试问：你能否通过这个逻辑论证住在城市就能够赚到更多的钱？

Finally, it is of convenience to live in a big city（分论点2）. There are more shopping malls in big cities, so we can go shopping without traveling long distance that allows us spending more time with our families. If we want to go to another city, we don't have to drive from villages to an airport but only have to take a bus of the airport which is more economical. 时间不够了吗？

In summary, it is safe（分论点3） to say that living in a city is a wise choice .

点评：该短文英语词汇量丰富，词汇使用得当，几乎没有语法错误，可见同学的英文其实非常棒。然而整篇短文的组织和逻辑论证是你的硬伤。你几乎花了1/3的语言去讲述一个无关紧要的话题：住在村子里的好处，你在论证城市的优越性时无需提及村子的好处，更不应该往细节里描述。你在讲述分论点1的时候稍微有些跑题，分论点2就草草讲述一遍，至于分论点3根本就随便说说。虽然最后一句开头用的In summary，但实际上你压根儿就没有做任何总结。你严重需要调整你的作文格式，把第一段写的更有概括性。第二、三、四段写的更详细，最后一段能真的做到总结（可以把第二段里的某些文字放在总结里作为讲述一些客套的题外话）

13.11.24作文球好心人批改

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

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