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求拍砖小女子的PS(MPA方向)

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楼主
发表于 2012-9-30 15:10:32 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式
希望高手指点哪些需要修改,急!!!!
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沙发
 楼主| 发表于 2012-9-30 15:12:42 | 只看该作者

PS如下

When I was young, my mother said that an old psychic told her about my horoscope: the higher education I receive, the more successful I will be. Therefore, higher education which I have been pursuing is an important element for my promising career . The reason why I want to choose MPA as my major is the terrible earthquake happened at Wenchuan in 2008. Watching the school bags with blood under destroy buildings and hearing children’s piercing cry, my strong kindness was invoked .From then on, a charitable seed has been buried in my heart , I’m determined to work for an non-profit organization to help the people who are in troubles .

The MPA programin Indiana University –Bloomington
was named the second best MPA program by U.S. News and World Report, the excellent teaching team which will ensure that I can receive the best education in your college. In addition, your curriculums attract me so much, such as Statistical Analysis for Effective Decision Making and Public Management. I would like to scale higher intellectual heights by undertaking advanced studies in your Master's program. As we know, decision making requires quick analytical ability; and management needs a strong sense of responsibility, good communication and extraordinary leadership. After various extracurricular activities and internship and academic knowledge in my undergraduate life, I believe I have equipped myself with these qualities above.
I admire Bill Gate’s selflessness and philanthropy and I want to be a person like him. Since high school, I have been keening on various volunteer activities, for instance ,visiting the olds in geracomium, donating books or clothes to left-behind children and joining a NGO group to protect our Mother River –Yangtze river which is the most important river in China
. In 2010, my classmates and I organized a charity activity. We collected daily necessities or books from other schoolmates, then sold these donations and contributed the fund to orphanage. These activities are meaningful and I’m proud of doing such things for people who are in plight .Next summer, I intend to go to the west part of China working as a volunteer teacher and pass my love to the kids who are craving for knowledge .As a saying goes, a good exercise for the heart is bending down and helping someone to get up. I believe that with a sincere heart to work for non-profit organization, I will make further progress on the way of my life
In 2010, I wrote a social science paper in technological innovation competition; my topic is tourism development about Qidong. Deeper analysis and abundant surveys from special perspectives are the key reasons that my essay wins the second prize among more than 2000 papers. In fact, Qidong has lots of potential tourist resources, but why the world of shimmering green hills and clear azure waters can’t attract tourists? After analyzing some basic information from different aspects, I planed a characteristic route which integrated ecologic tourism and local food. It appears to be that these resources become precious treasure. Admittedly, acute observation and sober analysis contribute to development of an unknown place.
To train myself in leadership and organization skills, I joined in Student Union when I was a freshman. The two-year experiences there also improve my various capabilities. The most impressive event is about organizing a crucial evening party in spring in 2011 .That plan lasted for 15 days and was highly required ,including choosing innovative programs, selecting hosts ,arranging staffs ,renting place for rehearsing and final performance and ensuring safety. At the beginning, group members were in a state of disunity. There were many divergences inside our group. I knew that I had to find methods to strengthen group’s cohesion. Therefore, I made rules to stop their laziness and draw up other schedules to make them understand what they needed to do. Of course, these ways were not enough to guarantee we could complete our goal. I also tried my best to satisfy members in order to boost their enthusiasm. Different tasks were allocated to different students according to their talent and potential, then I combined these intangible assets. At the end, everybody could find their own value and work hard. Successful performance was the best award for our cooperation.

Moreover, I also engage myself in international activities to cultivate my communication skills. In 2011, after several rounds’ interview, I was chosen to work in Westin which is a chain hotel globally through World Wide Culture Exchange program. Working with people from different countries enhance my communication ability, my outstanding performance acquired co-workers’ acknowledgement and won a honor of excellent intern. This summer I was a volunteer interpreter in 2012 International Summer School. It’s a tough and challenged job, because I needed to translate Chinese classic dance, painting, calligraphy and martial art to Korea students. Actually, some Chinese students still didn’t know how to appreciate the characteristic arts, how could I let foreign friends understand our culture? The only way was to ask them to follow our teachers or performers, and to explain the history of Chinese culture slowly. Sometimes the speechless communication was the best way to communicate.


Three years of undergraduate studies prepare me for MPA program, for instance, one-semester study in higher mathematics and statistics fosters my analytical ability, two-year psychology courses cultivate my insight, and one-year business curriculums teach me how to lead subordinate and communicate with people efficiently. Besides, three-year Japanese learning laid a solid foundation for my future work with foreigners.


During my spare time, I play table tennis, which requires great skills both tactical and technical, so I have to have speed, stamina, dexterity, and quickness in decision-making. In addition, I play guitar, too. Music is amazing, it teaches me to be patient and poised. Sometimes, I read literary books such as Pride and Prejudice and plays such as A midsummer Night’s Dream. They make me think in a logical way.


The closest way in the world is not the way from your eyes to nose .It is the way when you shorten the process from the reality to my dream. My dream is to go to Indianan University to study, and the reality is that I have an intense-interested heart and have qualified requirements. I believe my learning capacity will ensure that I can finish my graduate study well and I convince that after two-year study on MPA program in your university, I will be a more mature and poised leader when I enter my new career. After I finish my degree, I intend to work in the Red Cross in China and pass the torch of love to more people. So I sincerely hope that you can consider my application favorably.


板凳
发表于 2012-10-11 13:04:29 | 只看该作者
我看过一个说法讲千万不要提学校多么多么牛逼 就是不要夸申请的学校 另外我觉得有点太泛 事例有点太多了 像cv的扩展版个人意见啦
地板
 楼主| 发表于 2012-10-12 19:07:52 | 只看该作者
呵呵,谢谢啦~这个我已经换了一篇,现在的新版已经修改了这个版本的90%~~今天看到你回复还算是蛮开心的,thanks so much~这个太拉长了,逻辑也不是衔接很好. 有高人指点的话,我愿意把新版700字的给大牛看看,我自己目前满意的一篇PS,同时也是加拿大一教授觉得行的一篇新PS...
5#
发表于 2012-10-13 18:38:30 | 只看该作者
嗯 这个版本感觉不够吸引人吧 亮点不多 你如果愿意的话可以把新版发到坛子里面大家一起学习学习嘛 PS真的是非常非常重要啊 申请MpA的人不多 所以可参考的资料也蛮少的
6#
发表于 2012-10-20 17:08:51 | 只看该作者
开头纯粹是讲故事形式~~~这个一定要被拍死的~~~不要这么天真,美国的大学目的性非常的明确,你不要讲故事~~那些感动教授,然后手贱录取了你的事情 是偶像剧里故事~~~目的明确点,单刀直入~~我就是冲着你这个program来的~~同意楼上 千万不能说是学校多好多牛逼,这个会被秒拒的!!!!祝楼主申请顺利~~~加油
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