求作文水平同是很菜的同学互改作文！

Freyazw · 发表于 2012-3-1 23:19:15

写了一篇argument（人生中的第二篇）给XDF的老师改了，结果380个字改出来几十个错误，单复数时态错误居多，其次为用词不当（4处）和句子组织不合理（3处），最后分数是3分。这里是老师的评价：
You demonstrate that you have an understanding of the topic, but are having difficulty in conveying your ideas in a fluent manner because of the high number of grammar errors.
Your sentences in many cases are either erroneous or inadequately developed. Further revision and practice is needed on your sentence formations and cohesion. Work on developing more complex sentences and then with linking devices such as conjunctions, provide more cohesion with your ideas.
The range of vocabulary is average. Work to develop your vocabulary further with more advanced terms to improve the quality and effectiveness of your writing.
A review of sentence formation and word choice will be beneficial.
GRE Issue Score:3
评分项：

Task Response 任务完成情况	Identify aspects of the argument and examine them perceptively 识别对立观点，并能够深度论述	3
Organization and Structure 文章组织和结构	Ideas are organized logically,and connected with clear transitions 论点组织符合逻辑，起承转合准确	3
Development and Details 论点扩展和细节运用	Compelling and detailed support for the reasoning,conveyed fluently and precisely 论证有力并且能够适当使用细节来支持自己的推理，表达流畅准确	2
Grammar 语法	Command of the elements of Standard Written English,including grammar,word usage,spelling,and punctuation 能运用标准的书面英语，包括语法，词汇，拼写及标点	2
Holistic Assessment 整体评分	Effectively understand,analyze,and evaluate the argument,and clearly conveyed the evaluation in a fluent manner 准确理解对立的立场并加以分析和评价，表达清晰流畅	3

附件中有这篇作文，可下下来观察具体水平之弱，可吃B6防呕吐（无意者勿点，以免贻笑大方，视觉污染）
问过老师，唯一能拯救我的办法就是找个作文水平相当或略高一些的同学互改，辅以背新概念~~
本人6.16杀G，有心一起提高作文水平并且能坚持写作文的同学
请联系本人QQ：1246487427

Freyazw · 发表于 2012-3-1 23:49:18

评分项5分是满分

求作文水平同是很菜的同学互改作文！

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