【写作小分队】music作文贴，714 ～～～

jiaosisisisi · 发表于 2012-2-22 23:37:16

RT，希望大家可以共同进步！

jiaosisisisi · 发表于 2012-2-22 23:42:01

SF自己来。。。

晨依Jacqueline · 发表于 2012-2-24 11:36:21

来看看Music的酱油~~

加油哈~

jiaosisisisi · 发表于 2012-2-25 00:41:59

2月24日
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Although science and technology will continue to improve,
the most significant improvement for the quality of people’s lives
have already taken place.
（我很惊讶这么酱油的你怎么改。。。。。)
anyway，谢谢！晨依Jacqueline~~~
you should remember~~~~这个这个。。是我这辈子的第一篇TOEFL 作文，给了你啊~~~
写了一个小时啊！我是不是边打dota 边写的文章啊！~

Nowadays people have always been used to the everyday life around them!
No one will ever spend even one minute to doubt how much they have already
benefited from the science and modern technology! From my point of view,I just
can't imagine what life would be like without all kinds of the pratical inventions!
And there is no doubt that scientific improvement are playing an indispensible role
in our life!

Firstly ,people in modern society are able to travel to almost any place that is
accessible ,and the earth itself is more likely to be accepted as a small village!
For example,Americans in the west coast can spend as less as 15 hours to arrive in Aisa,and
and Aisans are able to reach Rome in less than 20 hours!How inconceivable!
Unfortuately ,the emperor in ancient China will have to wait for more than half a month
to send the letter from the capital to the border areas!Obviously, advanced transportations
have greatly enhanced the quality of people's lives!

Secondly, thousands of inventions have turned on the light for the human beings!
Thanks to the outstanding inventions ,we can easily find that countries all over the world
are now developing at a substantial rate and that every single person on this planet is ,
more or less, sharing the achievement of the technology!For example,after Edison brought bulbs to
the world ,the factories are then able to run effectly during the night,man can light up any place
that is in darkness! In contrast,people before this invetion have to sleep early and they might even
get lost as long as the sun went down!

Therefore ,we modern people are living in a relatively high quality life with the development
of the science and technology.not only do we find convenience during choosing a media of
transprotation,we are also enjoying the effectness that scientific inventions bring to us!
Actually,we've already gained more than these benefits,and we are sure to obtain more as
the the science and thechnology improve!

晨依Jacqueline · 发表于 2012-2-25 00:55:19

先抢个楼~明儿再看

lixiang8747 · 发表于 2012-2-25 11:36:27

没有你的综合写作啊

jiaosisisisi · 发表于 2012-2-25 12:07:48

我下午两点之前写完啊。。。不好意思啊~~~~
今天事情居然很多~~~~

晨依Jacqueline · 发表于 2012-2-25 13:45:52

[apology]Music，I'm sorry. 我是用手机给你改的，没法弄那些颜色标志了，我改的地方都放在括号里面了，希望你能看得不是太费劲~
然后现在用电脑了，给你弄得漂亮一点哈哈~~~
红色为错误，黄色为精彩，蓝色为疑惑或建议，绿色为我的修改句供参考。

Nowadays people have always been used to（这里不是太明白，是不是想说习惯于？可以用be accustommed to，而且不用完成时就可以。be used to是被用于，used to do是过去常做某事而现在不做了。）the everyday life around them!（整体句意也有点奇怪：人们现在习惯了每天的生活？这个句子放在开头感觉并没有很好地起到引出话题的作用）No one will ever spend even one minute to doubt（on doubting 搭配是spend time on doing sth，） how much they have（he has） already benefited from ~~the~~ science and modern technology!（From my point of view,I just can't imagine what life would be like without all kinds of the pratical inventions!这个句子写得不错~建议把from my point of view去掉）And there is no doubt that scientific improvement are（is） playing an indispensible role in our life!（虽然开头没有太多错误但是好像都是再写差不多同一个意思--people benefit a lot from science and technology，略感层次性不强，观点也没有特别突出，第一句可以去掉。不过优点是开头段句式还是比较灵活的）

Firstly（和下面的secondly一起说着，可以写的多变一点，如to begin with等，当然你这样写也没有错误。）,people in modern society are able to travel to almost any place that is accessible ,and the earth itself is more likely to be accepted as a small village!（这句话意思很好啊！但是可不可以换一个更好的表达呢？People live in the modern society have an easy access to travelling to everywhere they want，which makes the concept of globle village widely accepted.）For example,Americans in（live in／from较好） the west coast can spend as less as 15 hours to arrive（arriving，注意spend time doing sth） in Aisa（Asia？）,and~~and~~ Aisans（Asians）are able to reach Rome in less than 20 hours!（这个地方我觉得可以都统一成从哪个国家到哪个国家，毕竟亚洲很大啊，你的20hrs就显得不是特别有说服力。）How inconceivable!Unfortuately（这里与上文对比建议用unlike或者on the contrary等词，使论证结构更严谨）,the emperor in ancient China will have to wait for more than half a monthto send the letter from the capital to the border areas!（这一句要用过去时哦。我改的供参考Unlike the emperor in ancient China，they had to wait for nearly half of a month having the massage delivered from the capital to the boundry.）Obviously, advanced transportations have greatly enhanced the quality of people's lives!（这个句子不错！如果能在本段第一句点出advanced transportations就更好了！）

Secondly, thousands of inventions have turned on the light for the human beings!（这个句子意思很好，很有心意，但是作为第二段的主题句最好还是能把本段主要讨论的iimprovement提一下）Thanks to the outstanding inventions ,we can easily find that countries all over the world are now developing at a substantial rate（精彩！这个地方可以断句了不然太长了很难受）~~and that~~ Every single person on this planet is ,more or less, sharing the achievement（分享成就？不太好吧、sharing the convenience and efficiency that technology has brought to us怎么样？） of ~~the~~ technology!For example,after Edison brought bulbs tothe world（这里中文意思没有什么问题，但是用bring好像体现不出invent的感觉，觉得像是本来就有的东西只是被他带来了...）~~,the~~ factories are then able to run effectly（effectively） during the night（at night），（+and，因为这是两个句子，要连起来）man can light up any place（light up any place搭配有点奇怪呀，不过我没有想好怎么改比较好...）that is in darkness! In contrast（好！）,people before this invetion have to sleep early and they might even get lost as long as the sun went down!（你仔细读读这句话是不是很chinglish？in contrast，before bulbs are invented，people were prevented doing anything in the evening because of the darkness.另外我想说其实他们有candles，还有lanterns，也并不是go to sleep early的，get lost更...你可以想想怎么突出bulb的优势）Therefore ,we modern people are living in a relatively high quality life with the developmentof the science and technology. Not only do we find convenience during choosing a media（medium） of transprotation,we are also enjoying the effectness（efficiency） that scientific inventions bring to us!Actually,we've already gained more than these benefits（benefits应放在more后面）,and we are sure to obtain more asthe the science and thechnology improve!

因为music是第一次写，感觉也不是很水啦，还是有很多亮点的！抛开表达不谈，举例的方式很好，以时间为切入点对比的方式给人感觉例证很充分！要有信心哦~再来挑挑毛病，首先论点写的不是太突出，多练一下主题句的写法；其次不要excessively使用叹号，感觉这是一个多么愤青的少年；再次注意一些小的细节，如：the什么时候该用什么时候不该用，还有时态啊；最后希望好好修改一下开头段，力求观点明确，简洁有力！加油哇~~我不知道你怎么理解的题目，我觉得还行啊。

jiaosisisisi · 发表于 2012-2-25 13:59:42

224综合。。。

Firstly,the passage says that the advantage of the hydrogen-based fuel-cell engine is
that people can get hydrogen very easily,instead of relying on the traditional petroleum! .
However, the lecture doubts whether the approach to obtain hydrogen is that simple,for
example,the lecturer points out that the purificatioin process of generating hydrogen
is very energy-consuming,and the temperature required to store the liquid hydrogen
is hard to reach!

Secondly,the author claims that hydrogen-based fuel cells are necessarily acceptable
because they can reduce many of the nowadays earth pollution problems.Unfortunately ,
the lecturer holds an opposing view that though operating a hydrogen based fuel-cell
engine does give out only water,the process of generating hydrogen will produce plenty
of carbon dioxide .For examplel,people will have to burning coal or oil to get sufficent
energy to make the chemical recation happen in order to obtain the hydrogen from
natural gas .
.

The final point on which the author and the lecturer disagree with each other is that
whether fuel-cell engine is economically competitive!the author states that compared with
internal-combustion powered car,the fuel-cell powerd car requires only half the fuel
energy.Again,the lecturer reasons that it's not well grounded because fuel-cell engines
contain a very weird kind of metal,which is extremely expensive.And till now people
has not yet found the alterative material. .

jiaosisisisi · 发表于 2012-2-25 14:04:04

[apology]Music，I'm sorry. 我是用手机给你改的，没法弄那些颜色标志了，我改的地方都放在括号里面了，希望你能看得不是太费劲~

Nowadays people have always been used to（这里不是太明白，是不是想说习惯于？可以用be accustommed to，而且不用完成时就可以。be used to是被用于，used to do是过去常做某事而现在不做了。）the everyday life around them!（整体句意也有点奇怪：人们现在习惯了每天的生活？这个句子放在开头感觉并没有很好地起到引出话题的作用）No one will ever spend even one minute to doubt（on doubting 搭配是spend time on doing sth，） how much they have（he has） already benefited from the（the可以去掉） science and modern technology! （From my point of view,I just can't imagine what life would be like without all kinds of the pratical inventions!这个句子写得不错~建议把from my point of view去掉）And there is no doubt that scientific improvement are（is） playing an indispensible role in our life!（虽然开头没有太多错误但是好像都是再写差不多同一个意思--people benefit a lot from science and technology，略感层次性不强，观点也没有特别突出，第一句可以去掉。不过优点是开头段句式还是比较灵活的）
Firstly（和下面的secondly一起说着，可以写的多变一点，如to begin with等，当然你这样写也没有错误。）,people in modern society are able to travel to almost any place that is accessible ,and the earth itself is more likely to be accepted as a small village!（这句话意思很好啊！但是可不可以换一个更好的表达呢？People live in the modern society have an easy access to travelling to everywhere they want，which makes the concept of globle village widely accepted.）For example,Americans in（live in／from较好） the west coast can spend as less as 15 hours to arrive（arriving，注意spend time doing sth） in Aisa（Asia？）,andand（多了一个and去掉） Aisans（Asians）are able to reach Rome in less than 20 hours!（这个地方我觉得可以都统一成从哪个国家到哪个国家，毕竟亚洲很大啊，你的20hrs就显得不是特别有说服力。）How inconceivable!Unfortuately（这里与上文对比建议用unlike或者on the contrary等词，使论证结构更严谨）,the emperor in ancient China will have to wait for more than half a monthto send the letter from the capital to the border areas!（这一句要用过去时哦。我改的供参考Unlike the emperor in ancient China，they had to wait for nearly half of a month having the massage delivered from the capital to the boundry.）Obviously, advanced transportations have greatly enhanced the quality of people's lives!（这个句子不错！如果能在本段第一句点出advanced transportations就更好了！）Secondly, thousands of inventions have turned on the light for the human beings!（这个句子意思很好，很有心意，但是作为第二段的主题句最好还是能把本段主要讨论的iimprovement提一下）Thanks to the outstanding inventions ,we can easily find that countries all over the world are now developing at a substantial rate（精彩！这个地方可以断句了不然太长了很难受）（and that删）（E）every single person on this planet is ,more or less, sharing the achievement（分享成就？不太好吧、sharing the convenience and efficiency that technology has brought to us怎么样？） of the（the可以去掉） technology!For example,after Edison brought bulbs tothe world（这里中文意思没有什么问题，但是用bring好像体现不出invent的感觉，觉得像是本来就有的东西只是被他带来了...） ,the（the可以去掉） factories are then able to run effectly（effectively） during the night（at night），（+and，因为这是两个句子，要连起来）man can light up any place（light up any place搭配有点奇怪呀，不过我没有想好怎么改比较好...）that is in darkness! In contrast（好！）,people before this invetion have to sleep early and they might even get lost as long as the sun went down!（你仔细读读这句话是不是很chinglish？in contrast，before bulbs are invented，people were prevented doing anything in the evening because of the darkness.另外我想说其实他们有candles，还有lanterns，也并不是go to sleep early的，get lost更...你可以想想怎么突出bulb的优势）Therefore ,we modern people are living in a relatively high quality life with the developmentof the science and technology.（N）not only do we find convenience during choosing a media（medium） of transprotation,we are also enjoying the effectness（efficiency） that scientific inventions bring to us!Actually,we've already gained more than these benefits（benefits应放在more后面）,and we are sure to obtain more asthe the science and thechnology improve!
因为music是第一次写，感觉也不是很水啦，还是有很多亮点的！抛开表达不谈，举例的方式很好，以时间为切入点对比的方式给人感觉例证很充分！要有信心哦~再来挑挑毛病，首先论点写的不是太突出，多练一下主题句的写法；其次不要excessively使用叹号；再次注意一些小的细节，如：the什么时候该用什么时候不该用，还有时态啊；最后希望好好修改一下开头段，力求观点明确，简洁有力！加油哇~~

-- by 会员晨依Jacqueline (2012/2/25 13:45:52)

啊。。。
很多谢谢。。。
我晚上就给你改额。。。
刚写完综合话说~~~
P.S.还是被你发现了，第一段我的确是同一个意思说了五六七八遍。。。。。。。

【写作小分队】music作文贴，714 ～～～

所属分类: TOEFL / IELTS

正在浏览此版块的会员 ()