求助：德克的猪

18分已经是相对低的分数了

把你的作文给我看看

Currently, a number of people hold the
opinion that classmate plays more important influence than parents on a child's
success in school while others contradict it. To agree or disagree with the
title statement is a matter of balancing of its pros and cons, which also
depend on people's personal experience and even their emotional concerns. From
my personal perspective, I agree with the former. There are numerous reasons
for my inclination, I would like to explore conspicuous ones as follows.

 
One of paramount reasons can be seen by
everybody is that good behavior of the classmates can play positive influence
on child’s behaviors. On the contrary, the bad habit of the classmate will play
negative role. There is a famous saying "One takes behavior of one's
company" that is persuasive. It shows that the classmate plays a crucial
role. A good example can give some lights to this point. One of my friends, Andy,
his classmates do not like study but play game. So Andy does. Then, his parent
transfer him to another school, the classmates around Andy focus on their study
and only spend their spare time to play game. Under this situation, Andy has
changed his habit and pays more attention on his study. It is no deny that Andy's
classmates play a positive influence on him.

 
In addition, child spends much time with
their classmates in school. Their classmates know them much more than their
parents know. In school, they take same class and have more topics about the courses.
Classmates are of similar age with child. Sometime, child likes to share his/her
secrets with friends rather than talk with their parents because of generation
gap. I can take my personal hobby as an example. I like the rock music while my
parents think it is too noise. I only can share them with my classmates. We
talk about the new songs and the rock star. It is obvious that same interest
bond tight the relationship between my classmates and me.

 
However, parents give children more support
in their success we can not ignore. Parents provide chance for us to enter
school to study. Nevertheless, considering the similar interest, similar
thoughts, I believe that classmates play important influence on child than
parents do.

 
Once again, if all factors are considered,
biased opinions cast away. It is not difficult to draw the conclusion that
classmates play a more important influence than parents on a child's success in
school. I believe my choice of the view will be accepted and acknowledged by
most people.

开头的写法：

先general再specific

不要直接就提出话题。你应该先说说宽泛一点的，再说具体到要谈的东西。这样才符合老外的思维习惯

把这个topic给我，我也来写一个开头

老外是喜欢开门见山

所以你在第一段说明观点就是了

其实，如果你看NCE，就会发现是从general到specific的

其实也就是一两句话的事

老外的习惯是这样的

好，我现在帮你改！

Currently, a number(以后说many的时候可以一般可以用a multitude of/myriads of替换) of people hold the opinion(我不建议使用opinion,这里可以用perspective) that classmate plays(influence一般不和play搭配,我建议使用exerts) more important influence than parents on a child's success in school while others contradict it. To agree or disagree with the title statement is a matter of balancing of its pros and cons(这个应该是模版句子), which also depend on people's personal experience and even their emotional concerns. From my personal perspective, I agree with(agree with可以用espouse替换) the former. There are numerous(这里夸张了,最好还是不要太夸张,老外不喜欢,这里可以说several potent reasons几个有力的原因) reasons for my inclination, I would like to explore conspicuous ones as follows.