熏衣草之梦的作文贴新开

熏衣草之梦 · 发表于 2013-8-15 21:28:09

在职菜鸟一名，希望在这里能看见自己写作水平的进步，写作部分目标：25+

Just Believe. Stick to learning with aspiration and determination.

一楼占了，正式作文从二楼开始，感谢队员们耐心修改，指出来的问题越多越好。

熏衣草之梦 · 发表于 2013-8-15 21:30:35

8.15 Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Young people today more likely to give time and effort improving the world than young people were at the past.

正文：
As we know, with the development of technology people's life have changed a lot. Most of the people think that the successful development of our world can be attributed to the hard working of young people nowadays. However they ignore the effort of their predecessors. Many of them met the frustration during the old society and take the challenge to change their life. So it's hard to say that the world's development mostly results from young people today.

Looking back to the society of China in 1950s at that time there is no modern technology used in daily life such as mobile phones, cars even televisions, people live under poverty. With less than 50 years, China catches up the steps of developed country like Japan. It is the result of our predecessors' hard working. I heard one story from my father that it was very precious to get the chance of taking part in schools at that time. Once they can attend to schools, they would focus deeply on learning the advanced knowledge so that they can contribute to the country with their abilities. Meantime, they would work with parents in farmland after the whole day study. As a result, many outstanding students make full use of the knowledge to our society and change the life of their own. The situation is completely different from the one today.

Due to the hard working of our predecessors, the technology has been improved and the country changes from a underdeveloped one to a developing one. Most of the people live in a comfortable family in 21th.Centuries in China. The young people today don't experience what their parents experience and never understand what is" life is a struggle". Some young people just indulge in playing computers or games. The special example can be seen in college. Most of the students idle their time in dormitory with their computers. Even the students from junior schools have an Iphone or Ipad in their hand, which contain many kinds of small games. Instead of Reading books, refreshing the twitter becomes the daily issue played by these young people.

As we know, time changes lots of things including the development of the world. With the study of young people at the past, the technologies have been improved. With the technologies, people enjoy the new life and they also spend less time and effort improving the world. In all, the world is still changing and our life will become better and better.

熏衣草之梦 · 发表于 2013-8-19 18:04:43

19 Aug

Independent Writing：

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

In order to succeed, you should be more like others than be different from everyone else.

320字超时了这次，继续加油....

In each successful story, we would learn a man with strong willpower and determination. It can be clearly indicated that a person who want to success should be qualified with abilities which are mostly different from others'. There is no doubt that the personality is one essential part in success.

One special example can be seen in our college life. The outstanding student spends more time on reading and learning. As we know most of the students go to library for reviewing text books, finishing homework or reading novels, instead, one kind of student selects to read more magazines and gather more news in website. Such special student can make full use of the information gained in that way and always makes out papers with variable examples to certificate his positions, which cannot be simply learned in class. Due to the specialty of the papers, final scores of his course are always higher than others'. Finally, he gets top performance and makes success in college life.

When we watch TV shows, we can also get the same ideas that people can be attractive when they are different from others. Example for musical competition shows. A fully different music can really provide deep memory to audience. Compared to traditional music, romatic muse can bring an imagined story to listeners. If the player chose romantic music or other music such as punk, jazz, he will most likely to shark audiences by his perfect performance. Champion is waiting for the one who can do challenge.

Compared with people above, the ones initiate others cannot obtain their special characters and always live in others world. It is good way to learn from the advantage of others. Meantime, we also need change and break through tradition.In all, it is really obvious that to be success, you should be outstanding among others. What you can do are follow your owns heart and make yourself special.

qingcongll · 发表于 2013-8-20 16:12:25

熏衣草之梦发表于 2013-8-15 21:30
8.15 Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Young people today ...

As we know, with the development of technology people's life have changed a lot. Most of the people think that the successful development of our world can be attributed to the hard working of young people nowadays. However they ignore the effort of their predecessors. Many of them met the frustration during the old society and take the challenge to change their life. So it's hard to say that the world's development mostly results from young people today.（Chinglish)

Looking back to the society of China in 1950s,at that time there is no modern technology used in daily life such as mobile phones, cars even televisions, people live under poverty. With less than 50 years, China catches up the steps of developed country like Japan. It is the result of our predecessors' hard working. I heard one story from my father that it was very precious to get the chance of taking part in schools at that time. Once they can attend to schools, they would focus deeply on learning the advanced knowledge so that they can contribute to the country with their abilities. Meantime, they would work with parents in farmland after the whole day study. As a result, many outstanding students make full use of the knowledge to our society and change the life of their own. The situation is completely different from the one today.
(个人感觉逻辑不够严谨，既然说是以前的年轻人贡献大，那就要举出具体贡献在哪，而不是说他们多么努力学习，多么努力工作。如果这样，我可以提出另一个题设：努力工作就一定代表贡献大么？）
Due to the hard working of our predecessors, the technology has been improved and the country changes from a underdeveloped one to a developing one. Most of the people live in a comfortable family in 21th.Centuries in China. The young people today don't experience what their parents experience and never understand what is" life is a struggle". Some young people just indulge in playing computers or games. The special example can be seen in college. Most of the students idle their time in dormitory with their computers. Even the students from junior schools have an Iphone or Ipad in their hand, which contain many kinds of small games（有手机和don't improve the world有啥关系？）. Instead of Reading books, refreshing the twitter becomes the daily issue played by these young people.（个人感觉本段的最大毛病在论证不到位。该有的关系没有论证清楚）

As we know, time changes lots of things including the development of the world. With the study of young people at the past, the technologies have been improved. With the technologies, people enjoy the new life and they also spend less time and effort improving the world. In all, the world is still changing and our life will become better and better.（？？? 这句话你想说明啥？）
总结：逻辑关系方面，很多不严谨，论点没有很有力的被支持；结构方面，缺少清晰的条理；词汇方面，很多小错误和Chinglish。当然，以上是我个人观点，欢迎讨论

qingcongll · 发表于 2013-8-20 16:24:24

熏衣草之梦发表于 2013-8-19 18:04
19 AugIndependent Writing：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?In order to succeed ...

In each successful story, we would learn a man with strong willpower and determination. It can be clearly indicated that a person who want to success should be qualified with the abilities which are mostly different from others'. There is no doubt that the personality is one essential part in success.

One special example can be seen in our college life. The outstanding student spends more time on reading and learning. As we know， most of the students go to library for reviewing text books, finishing homework or reading novels, instead, one kind of student selects to read more magazines and gather more news in website. Such special student can make full use of the information gained in that way and always makes out papers with variable examples to certificate his positions, which cannot be simply learned in class. Due to the specialty of the papers, final scores of his course are always higher than others'. Finally, he gets top performance and makes success in college life.（如果举的是具体例子还说的过去，但你这是范例那问题就大了。个人感觉T的作文，虽然不像G要求那么严谨，但如果例子存在明显逻辑漏洞也说不过去。）

When we watch TV shows, we can also get the same ideas that people can be attractive when they are different from others. Example for musical competition shows. A fully different music can really provide deep memory to audience. Compared to traditional music, romatic muse can bring an imagined story to listeners. If the player chose romantic music or other music such as punk, jazz, he will most likely to shark audiences by his perfect performance. Champion is waiting for the one who can do challenge.

Compared with people above, the ones initiate others cannot obtain their special characters and always live in others world. It is good way to learn from the advantage of others. Meantime, we also need change and break through tradition.In all, it is really obvious that to be success, you should be outstanding among others. What you can do are follow your owns heart and make yourself special.

总结：个人感觉思路不太清晰，逻辑不太严谨。有很多中式英语和小错误。个人意见，欢迎讨论

熏衣草之梦 · 发表于 2013-8-21 09:38:34

qingcongll 发表于 2013-8-20 16:24
In each successful story, we would learn a man with strong willpower and determination. It can be ...

多谢多谢！任何毛病都可以提出继续修改ing... 自己还得再努力啊。

熏衣草之梦的作文贴新开

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