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[9月1日考试]小默的独立作文贴,求猛批(0818更新)

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21#
 楼主| 发表于 2013-8-17 10:59:11 | 只看该作者
TPO23 In today's world, it is more important to work quickly and risk making mistakes than to work slowly and make sure that everything is correct.

What we've been debating here will affect both the outcome and efficiency of our daily works. This debate over which is more important, working quickly and risking making mistakes or working slowly and making sure all things are correct, is about more than just methods. In my opinion, working quickly is more important in today's rapid changing society; even we will risk making some mistakes.


Admittedly, working carefully without considering the efficiency can reduce mistakes to the minimal level and save us time to go back to fix mistakes. However, we should compare the time used in preventing mistakes and that used to fix the problems. For example, if a project is processed very carefully and ends up with no mistakes, it will take 10 hours. But the same project could also be completed in 5 hours, with 5 mistakes needed to amend. As this extra amending process is usually finished within an hour, the total hours used by the “working quickly” method is only 6 hours. In this case, “working quickly” might be a better choice. Since this case is just a typical example while situations like this are very common in daily operations, the advantage of working slowly and preventing any mistake is weak at best.   


On the other hand, working with efficiency and risk making mistakes is considered as a wise choice in most situations of the business world. First, although working quickly means a higher risk of mistakes, it is not guaranteed there are mistakes whenever the tasks have been completed within a short time. Also, this kind of risk could be reduced by providing training to employees, as well as implementing strict and clear rules on working processes. Too many mistakes might lead to a crisis, but a moderate level of mistakes is always acceptable. Most importantly,as the business environments are keep changing rapidly, seizing the opportunities is more important than doing things perfectly. For instance, many stores and brands promote specific products on holidays, such as Valentine’s Day or Christmas. Although the products might be designed and produced in a very limited time to meet the determined dates and are not perfect, these promotions could still earn the companies ideal profits, or help the products enter the aimed market successfully. This is because the products have appeared in the right place at the right time. In fierce business competitions, efficiency always means life.Hence, the importance of working quickly should be considered overweight the importance of completing everything without mistakes.


There are many who won't agree with every pointing this essay, and, of course, only considering efficiency can't be the best choice for all situations and cases.But as in most of the time, efficiency could convey us the desired results and cost less than working slowly with all things perfect, it could be safely draw out the conclusion that working quickly and risking making mistakes is more important.
22#
发表于 2013-8-17 23:51:39 | 只看该作者
绿色是我觉得有待改进的地方,橘黄色是值得学习之的地方!~
What we've been debating here will affect both the outcome and efficiency of our daily works.(有一种思想高度的感觉) This debate over which is more important, working quickly and risking making mistakes or working slowly and making sure all things are correct, is about more than just methods. (我能说我没看懂这句话吗… lz高级了。求解释~)In my opinion, working quickly is more important in today's rapid changing society; even we will risk making some mistakes.


Admittedly, working carefully without considering the efficiency can reduce mistakes to the minimal level and save us time to go back to fix mistakes. However, we should compare the time used in preventing mistakes and(with) that used to fix the problems. For example, if a project is processed very carefully and ends up with no mistakes, it will take 10 hours. But the same project could also be completed in 5 hours, with 5 mistakes needed to amend. As this extra amending process is usually finished within an hour, the total hours used by the “working quickly” method is only 6 hours. In this case, “working quickly” might be a better choice. Since this case is just a typical example while situations like this are very common in daily operations(纯粹想问一下,是有这种用法吗?), the advantage of working slowly and preventing any mistake is weak at best.   

On the other hand, working with efficiency(变化了一种说法,不错) and risk making mistakes is considered as a wise choice in most situations of the business world. First, although working quickly means a higher risk of mistakes(感觉risk of mistakes有点多了), it is not guaranteed(that) there are mistakes whenever the tasks have been completed within a short time. Also, this kind of risk could be reduced by providing training to employees, as well as implementing strict and clear rules on working processes. Too many mistakes might lead to a crisis, but a moderate level of mistakes is always acceptable. Most importantly, as the business environments are(可以删去) keep changing rapidly, seizing the opportunities is more important than doing things perfectly. (把握时机比追求完美更重要,good point in business啊)For instance, many stores and brands promote specific products on holidays, such as Valentine’s Day or Christmas. Although the products might be designed and produced in a very limited time to meet the determined dates and are not perfect, these promotions could still earn the companies ideal profits, or help the products enter the aimed market successfully. This is because the products have appeared in the right place at the right time. In fierce business competitions, efficiency always means life. Hence, the importance of working quickly should be considered(删去) overweight the importance of completing everything without mistakes.
(好段。有一定的层次感。尤其是后面把握时机的例子很棒,学习之~ 其实我觉得这一段都可以分成两段来写了。后一段是前一段的递进)


There are many who won't agree with every pointing(points)(in) this essay, and, of course, only considering efficiency can't be the best choice for all situations and cases. (作者擅长用让步句,句式多样)But as in most of the time, efficiency could convey us(convey后面加的是内容,可以换bring之类的) the desired results and cost less than working slowly with all things perfect, it could be safely (to)draw out (删去out) the conclusion that working quickly and risking making mistakes is(are) more important.
作者的英语语言功底深厚,词汇短语信手拈来。对于观点的展开也比较有经验。值得学习~  没有什么大的语法错误,只有一些小的注意点。
23#
 楼主| 发表于 2013-8-18 01:12:04 | 只看该作者
lyslj001 发表于 2013-8-17 23:51
绿色是我觉得有待改进的地方,橘黄色是值得学习之的地方!~
What we've been debating here will affect bo ...

非常感谢,明天早上我认真修改一遍。
我觉得你对英文词汇的理解比我好多了呢。

那个。。。那个高级的地方,呃,我本来是想深入一下的,说不是methods啦,其实是一种商业思维之类的,结果后来给忘了orz,所以就那样突兀的在那里,是比较容易看不懂

我刚才google了一下in daily operations,应该是ok的,有这个结果的比较多

谢谢西瓜君夸奖(呃?怎么称呼你?叫我小默就好),这篇是我重头推翻第一遍的习作重写的同一题目的第二遍,所以才显得比较清楚一点。第一遍的真是惨不忍睹。。。
24#
 楼主| 发表于 2013-8-18 19:07:59 | 只看该作者
题目同2009.10.17北美Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
Movies and televisions should always show audience that good people are rewarded and bad people arepunished.
这篇写的略微超时,媒体类文章发现自己很不擅长。
需要下去自己再好好搜集替换词。

第二段本来是想还要充实一下的,但是由于后面写太慢,导致没时间了。
第三段中间的过度也是因为没时间了,感觉有点乱。。。=(

本周学习和练习的主要方向是:
写出generic的例子,段内不要逻辑断层,body两端的关系清晰
帮助批改的同学能帮我重点看看上述这几个方面做的怎么样就再好不过啦!

This debate over whether Movies and televisions should always show audience happy ends is not only about what type of programs is better for audience, but also it is about what kind of roles should Movies and TV shows play in our daily life. And in my opinion, movies and televisions should not only focus on the shows that good people are rewarded and bad people are punished.


Admittedly, movies and TV shows with happy endings are beneficial to some extent. First, for the people who want a good relax after a hard-working day, they may prefer films and shows which they make a laugh. Moreover, for children and young people, the belief that good people are always rewarded while bad guys should be punished could encourage them to behave with kindness and courage, and without any misleading thoughts.

However, if the endings of films and TV shows are not confined with the "good behaviors are always rewards" model, there are more advantages. Most obviously, people at least will not fell too boring when watching programs on the screen. Since for each program they need to guess what will happen to the actors in the next scenarios, whether the characters are kind like angles or do something really evil, the audiences will gain more fun during the developing of the stories. Indeed, who want to watch TV shows which provide endings that easy to guess even before the shows have started? Moreover, with various endings, I believe there are some more essential duties could be covered by these modern products. In other words, by providing programs which reflect the truth, the real life stories, TV shows and movies could teach people more. For adults, "sometimes good people do not gain the rewards" might help them to become more brave when face similar bad situations. At least, they could find that they are not alone and feel some comforts; for children and adolescence, it is important for them to recognize that bad people are not all punished, or even be prevented before they do the evil stuffs. With this knowledge, kids could learn to protect themselves.

There are many may not agree with every point in this essay, and of course, movies and TV programs with different kinds of endings is not the only way to help people face their problems boldly and coach children to learn self-protection. But as the advantages of having different kinds of stories have significant benefits for both adults and the youth, cinema and TV program makers are suggested not to always show that good people are rewarded and band people are punished. It is healthy for people to learn that the opposite could happen in real life situations.

25#
发表于 2013-8-18 23:25:44 | 只看该作者
This debate over whether Movies and televisions should always show audience happy ends is not only about what type of programs is better for audience, but also it is【not only but also的平行 删去it is吧】 about what kind of roles should Movies and TV shows play in our daily life. And in my opinion, movies and televisions should not only focus on the shows that good people are rewarded and bad people are punished.
开门见山,直至主题很好。
但是我觉得在你的观点之前,最好有个什么过渡句,和前一句debate的内容衔接下。

Admittedly, movies and TV shows with happy endings are beneficial to some extent. First, for the people who want a good relax after a hard-working day, they may prefer films and shows which they make a laugh【还是which make them laugh】. Moreover, for children and young people, the belief that good people are always rewarded while bad guys should be punished could encourage them to behave with kindness and courage, and without any misleading thoughts.
看到这里大致可以知道结构是 主题+让步+与主题相关的观点+结论
但是我觉得这样的结构有些模糊观点,在亮出主题后最好就直接亮自己的观点了
最后再来让下步,说尽管怎么怎么有好处,但是我的观点更正确,最后再说结论,是比较八股啦,但是也比较安全
可以批判性的考虑下哈

而且,后面的主要的观点,全部都挤在了一段,可以考虑把观点分下段

However, if the endings of films and TV shows are not confined with the "good behaviors are always rewards" model, there are more advantages. 【主题句亮出来了,但是好处很多,分条罗列较好,不然结构微凌乱呢】Most obviously, people at least will not fell too boring when watching programs on the screen. Since for each program they need to guess what will happen to the actors in the next scenarios, whether the characters are kind like angles or do something really evil, the audiences will gain more fun during the developing of the stories. Indeed, who want to watch TV shows which provide endings that easy to guess even before the shows have started? Moreover, with various endings, I believe there are some more essential duties could be covered by these modern products. In other words, by providing programs which reflect the truth, the real life stories, TV shows and movies could teach people more. For adults, the fact that [加上这个感觉好点]"sometimes good people do not gain the rewards" might help them to become more brave when face similar bad situations. At least, they could find that they are not alone and feel some comforts; for children and adolescence, it is important for them to recognize that bad people are not all punished, or even be prevented before they do the evil stuffs. With this knowledge, kids could learn to protect themselves.

There are many may not agree with every point in this essay【我记得应该是there is sb doing吧】, and of course, movies and TV programs with different kinds of endings is not the only way to help people face their problems boldly and coach children to learn self-protection. But as the advantages of having different kinds of stories have significant benefits for both adults and the youth, cinema and TV program makers are suggested not to always show that good people are rewarded and band people are punished. It is healthy【这个貌似指的是身体健康吧,more meaningful for people to learn that the opposite could happen in real life situations【删去situations】.

细节上好像没有给出什么特别有用的建议
但是我说的结构你可以考虑下
在文章开头让步的也有,但是好像一般看到的都是虽然这个有好处,但是自己观点的好处更大怎么怎么的
然后就分段罗列自己agree的观点的好处啊,对比论证举例什么的
26#
发表于 2013-8-19 19:54:12 | 只看该作者
Movies and televisions should always show audience that good people are rewarded and bad people arepunished.
写出generic的例子,段内不要逻辑断层,body两端的关系清晰
帮助批改的同学能帮我重点看看上述这几个方面做的怎么样就再好不过啦!
绿色是需要注意的,黄色是值得学习的~
This debate over whether Movies and televisions should always show audience happy ends is not only about what type of programs is better for audience, but also it is【 删掉it is】 about what kind of roles should Movies and TV shows 【不是疑问句,should应该放在这里】play in our daily life. And in my opinion, movies and televisions should not only focus on the shows that good people are rewarded and bad people are punished.【点题】
【开头点题值得肯定~】



Admittedly, movies and TV shows with happy endings are beneficial to some extent. First, for the people who want a good relax after a hard-working day, 【立意赞!】they may prefer films and shows which they make a laugh【which make them laugh】. Moreover, for children and young people, the belief that good people are always rewarded while bad guys should be punished could encourage them to behave with kindness and courage, and without any misleading thoughts.
【感觉这段lz的立意是很好的】
【这段是肯定自己的对立面,为了使自己的逻辑完整,这是必须滴】




However, if the endings of films and TV shows are not confined with the "good behaviors are always rewards" model, there are more advantages. Most obviously, people at least will not fell too boring 【feel too bored】when watching programs on the screen. Since for each program they need to guess what will happen to the actors in the next scenarios, whether the characters are kind like angles or do something really evil, the audiences will gain more fun during the developing of the stories. Indeed, who want 【wants】to watch TV shows which provide endings that 【are】 easy to guess even before the shows have started? Moreover, with various endings, I believe there are some more essential duties 【that】could 【lz有些地方用的都是could,我也不知道可不可以,感觉can会更舒服一点】be covered by these modern products. In other words, by providing programs which reflect the truth, the real life stories, TV shows and movies could teach people more. For adults, 【the fact that 】sometimes good people do not gain the rewards might help them to become more brave 【braver】when face【facing】 similar bad situations. At least, they could find that they are not alone and feel some comforts; for children and adolescence,【adolescent,adolescence是青春期】 it is important for them to recognize that bad people are not all punished, or even 【even有递进的程度,放在这里不合适】be 【are】prevented before they do the evil stuffs. With this knowledge, kids could learn to protect themselves.
【lz有的句子过长,容易造成语法错误,写简单句说清楚就好了】
【第二段的观点很多,其实只需要两条观点,然后这两条观点分别展开,举例说明即可】
【举例其实就可以举身边的例子,我自己啊,我朋友Tom啊,我妹妹啊神马的】
【观点1:unpredictable 的结局会比较刺激,人们会have more fun watching it ,猜结局 bla bla, For example, 盗梦空间】
【观点2:会比较贴近现实,给人的印象更深刻,也有很深刻的教育意义,再举个例子】
【我写作文时头两端肯定自己的观点,然后再admittedly肯定对方的观点,两相权衡下还是要肯定自己的观点】
【lz在第二段是写对立面观点的好处,感觉在替对方说好话,其实还可以加上,admittedly 它有这些好处,However, 人们可以根据自己的喜好和需求去观看这些电影,没有必要让所有的电视节目都是这样的结局】

There are many may【s】 not agree with every point in this essay【这个way是神马意思?没太懂这句话】, and of course, movies and TV programs with different kinds of endings is not the only way to help people face their problems boldly and coach children to learn self-protection. But as the advantages of having different kinds of stories have significant benefits for both adults and the youth,【我觉得呢,最好是不要出现这样的句子:因为它很好,所以我们要这样。这个“好”最好具体】 cinema and TV program makers are suggested 【suggest 没有不定式的结构,可以改成 advised 】not to always show that good people are rewarded and band people are punished. It is healthy 【healthy不合适】for people to learn that the opposite could happen in real life situations

【lz应该是限时练的吧~有些语法问题需要注意啊,考试时要留出两分钟检查拼写和语法问题】
【我觉得lz的立意是很好的,我开始都想不出可以从这些方面展开的】
【其实立意不用太多,每个观点阐释清楚就可以了】
【lz加油啊!一起努力!】
27#
 楼主| 发表于 2013-8-19 20:54:51 | 只看该作者
Kate1992 发表于 2013-8-19 19:54
Movies and televisions should always show audience that good people are rewarded and bad people arep ...

谢谢晓野和Kate的点评啊!
你们都提到我这篇的结构上有不足,我会继续注意的!
虽然自己也会有这篇不太平衡的感觉
但是你们说出来就更清晰了

确实是限时写的,呃,虽然还是超时了,sigh
很多用词上不够注意,谢谢大家指出来

There are many这句,many是代词,是不是后面要跟doing我找找例句呢
healthy有indicating soundness of body or mind的意思,所以才用到这里的
28#
发表于 2013-8-19 21:32:24 | 只看该作者
西瓜君来啦! 需要改哪篇哦?
能不能顺便帮我看看18号的综合呀~ 嘿嘿
29#
 楼主| 发表于 2013-8-20 15:23:02 | 只看该作者
TOP21 295字 真是修改的大刀阔斧的啊。果然好久不练手生了...哈

The focus of the passage and the lecture isgenetically modified trees. The reading passage believes that plantinggenetically modified tress is beneficial, while the speaker of the lecture doesnot agree with the reading passage and claims that there are problems ofplanting these trees

First of all, although the genetically modified treescould adapt to specific climate as the passage suggests, the lecture points outthat these modified trees could not survive in all circumstances. In otherwords, genetically modified trees are designed for only one purpose, if theclimate changes or new pest advents, these trees could all die. By contrast, facingextreme climates or new pests, some of the non-modified trees will still alive,since they are genetically diverse. This evidence provided in the lecture obviouslyweakens the argument in the reading.

Moreover, according to the lecture, the cost ofplanting genetically modified plants would be very high. As the prices of thegenetic seeds are higher than that of ordinary seeds, genetic seeds are expensiveto purchase. Additionally, the famers need to pay the seed company every timethey grow the plant. Considering these factors, genetically modified plants donot necessarily bring the planters profits, an economic benefit that ispromised in the reading passage.

Finally,contrary to the saying in the reading that plating genetically modified treescan save rare local trees, the lecture says that, in fact, the geneticallymodified plants can be a threat to their naturally grown up peers. Since thegenetically modified trees grow faster, they will outcompete the native treesin obtaining nature resources, including sunlight, water and other resources.This could even wipe out the native trees. Therefore, the goal of protectinglocal trees by planting genetically modified trees can hardly be achieved.
30#
发表于 2013-8-20 22:53:17 | 只看该作者
西瓜君表示木有动力再写一篇啦...=。= 脑子不转。 不过小默君叫改作文怎可以拒绝~ 吼吼。

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