[9月1日考试]小默的独立作文贴，求猛批（0818更新）

xiqiong

hemodata 发表于 2013-8-15 22:04
收到！这篇我明天早上重新写...汗....
ps：你修改作文的颜色分的好清晰啊，谢谢小汐辣么用心！ ...

给你看看~我写的。。。要shi了。。。终于知道什么叫做挤牙膏了！

hemodata

题目：2010.6.26 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
It is more likely for people with more skills to succeed.
修改内容

What we’ve been debating here is whether people with multiple skills are more likely to succeed. Although both developing multiple skills and focusing on one skill have advantages and disadvantages, I believe people with more skills have a better chance to succeed in today's rapidly changing society.

There are several advantages of having many different skills at work. First of all, for the positions of business leaders, such CEOs, hiring managers usually look for candidates with multiple skills. In others words, to become a business elite, having various abilities is a must, including dealing with shareholders, learning fast about the industrial environment, and managing the daily operations in both offices and factories. Moreover, having more skills means having more chances to show off your talents. Since nowadays employs are always required to work with different business models and solve different problems, the more problems you could solve, the more trusts and respects you could gain from bosses, coworkers and clients. Thus you will have better chances to advance in the career path. Hence, people with more skills have more chances to climb higher on the career ladder.

Additionally, even developing skills out of professional area could benefit people on their way to success. A person with more skills in specific areas, such as painting, playing sports games or playing music instruments, often easily build close relationships with others, since people share similar hobbies are usually become friends. As in many situations, good relationship with friends could be considered as strong networking resources. Experts believe that networking is still the most effective way to find a new job in senior positions or to find out new business opportunities, beating out the social networking sites, such as LinkedIn. Therefore, more skills, even in non-professional areas, provide people more chances to be successful.

On the contrary, focusing on just one skill has obvious weakness. Although one could get a deep understanding of a particular skill, without general skills needed in modern society, such as communicating, he or she would even find it difficult to earn a living. For instance, an artist might spend more than decades focusing on improving his painting skill, and end up with the amazing skill to create master pieces. But lacking of communication skills, he could not send his works into any exhibition, even not bother to mention sell to any customers. In this case, with a great skill but still could not earn himself a living, the artist is far from success.

There are many who won’t agree with every aspect in this essay, and, of course, having more skills can’t be the only factor of success. But with all the mentioned advantages, I firmly believe that people who have developed multiple skills are more likely to be successful, comparing with people who only focus on one skill.

hemodata

xiqiong 发表于 2013-8-16 12:18
给你看看~我写的。。。要shi了。。。终于知道什么叫做挤牙膏了！

Here you are~

我居然忘记吃饭了><现在去做

xiqiong

hemodata 发表于 2013-8-16 13:23
Here you are~

我居然忘记吃饭了>

谢谢~ 额~好发奋~  我午觉又睡多了。。。
我看到啦~

xiqiong

hemodata 发表于 2013-8-16 12:54
题目：2010.6.26 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
It is more likely for people  ...

What we’ve been debating here is whether people with multiple skills are more likely to succeed. Although both developing multiple skills and focusing on one skill have advantages and disadvantages, I believe people with more skills have a better chance to succeed in today's rapidly changing society.

There are several advantages of having many different skills at work. First of all, for the positions of business leaders, such CEOs, hiring managers usually look for candidates with multiple skills. In other words, to become a business elite, having various abilities is a must, including dealing with shareholders, learning fast about the industrial environment, and managing the daily operations in both offices and factories. Moreover, having more skills means having more chances to show off your talents. Since nowadays employs are always required to work with different business models and solve different problems, the more problems you could solve, the more trusts and respects you could gain from bosses, coworkers and clients. Thus you will have better chances to advance in the career path. Hence, people with more skills have more chances to climb higher on the career ladder.

Additionally, even developing skills out of professional area could benefit people on their way to success. A person with more skills in specific areas, such as painting, playing sports games or playing music instruments, often easily build close relationships with others, since people share similar hobbies are usually become friends. As in many situations, good relationship with friends could be considered as strong networking resources. Experts believe that networking is still the most effective way to find a new job in senior positions or to find out new business opportunities, beating out the social networking sites, such as LinkedIn. Therefore, more skills, even in non-professional areas, provide people more chances to be successful.

On the contrary, focusing on just one skill has obvious weakness. Although one could get a deep understanding of a particular skill, without general skills needed in modern society, such as communicating, he or she would even find it difficult to earn a living. For instance, an artist might spend more than decades focusing on improving his painting skill, and end up with the amazing skill to create master pieces. But lacking of communication skills, he could not send his works into any exhibition, even not bother to mention sell to any customers. In this case, with a great skill but still could not earn himself a living, the artist is far from success.

There are many who won’t agree with every aspect in this essay, and, of course, having more skills can’t be the only factor of success. But with all the mentioned advantages, I firmly believe that people who have developed multiple skills are more likely to be successful, comparing with people who only focus on one skill.
嗯！这篇文章脉络清晰很多~ 而且段落内部的逻辑关系也很清楚~
小默继续加油~！！基本木有找到什么错误。。。

hemodata

xiqiong 发表于 2013-8-16 14:54
What we’ve been debating here is whether people with multiple skills are more likely to succeed.  ...

谢谢小汐！今天下午本来该继续看风险管理的
结果。。。结果一不小心就变成了改作文写作文看别人写的作文
狂汗

现在会觉得，写清楚、写扣题真的第一要素
这两天改的那么多篇，包括自己的，都是篇篇没把自己的想法说清楚
看得好捉鸡

反观满分范文，有些似乎简单的都可以让小伙伴们惊呆了
但是真的就是思维极其清晰啊！

xiqiong

hemodata 发表于 2013-8-16 17:21
谢谢小汐！今天下午本来该继续看风险管理的
结果。。。结果一不小心就变成了改作文写作文看别人写的作文
...

啊！我的标记呢！
我在你的文章上做了很多标记的。。。
木有了。。。一提交。。。桑心。。。！！！

hemodata

xiqiong 发表于 2013-8-16 17:35
啊！我的标记呢！
我在你的文章上做了很多标记的。。。
木有了。。。一提交。。。桑心。。。！！！ ...

。。。。摸头，安慰。。。其实我也经常遇到这个问题
所以确实还是word比较好

lijinglol

What we’ve been debating here is whether people with multiple skills are more likely to succeed. Although both developing multiple skills and focusing on one skill have advantages and disadvantages, I believe people with more skills have a better chance to succeed in today's rapidly changing society.

There are several advantages of having（harboring） many different skills at work. First of all, for the positions of（建议删） business leaders, such CEOs, hiring（human resource） managers usually look for candidates with multiple skills. In others words, to become a business elite, having various abilities is a must, including dealing with shareholders, learning fast about the industrial environment, and managing the daily operations in both offices and factories. Moreover, having more skills means having more chances to show off your talents. Since nowadays employs(employees) are always required to work with different business models and solve different problems, the more problems you could solve, the more trusts and respects(不可数) you could gain from bosses, coworkers and clients. Thus you will have better chances to advance in the career path(march more smoothly in your careeer). Hence, people with more skills have more chances to climb higher on the career ladder.(连着用thus和hense表达并列的含义有点别扭)

Additionally, even developing skills out of professional area（domain/field） could benefit people on their way to success. A person with more skills in specific areas, such as painting, playing sports games or playing music instruments, often easily build close relationships with others, since people share similar hobbies are usually （more likely to）become friends. As in many situations, good relationship with friends could be considered as strong networking resources. Experts believe that networking(hardened human resources are) is still the most effective way(constructive assistance) to find a new job in senior positions or to find out new business opportunities, beating(形式主语是？？) out the social networking sites, such as LinkedIn. Therefore, more skills, even in non-professional areas, provide people more chances to be successful.
(这段主题句应作修改，非专业化这种词太过抽象，建议直接表达是人际上的技能……此外前两段细节和例子也有些缺乏，应进一步完善才好呀~)

On the contrary, focusing on just one skill has obvious weakness. Although one could get a deep（profound） understanding of a particular skill, without general skills needed in modern society, such as communicating, he or she would even find it difficult to earn a living. For instance, an artist might spend more than decades focusing on improving his painting skill, and end up with the amazing skill to create master pieces(masterpiece是一个词). But lacking of（lacking/due to the lack of） communication skills, he could not send his works into any exhibition, even not bother to mention sell(to peddle them to) to any customers. In this case, with a great skill but still could not earn himself a living,（……这……不能这么用啊……试试with great workmanship/craftmanship but without an outlet for the pent up energy,） the artist is far from success.

There are many who won’t agree with every aspect in this essay, and, of course, having more skills can’t be the only factor of success. But with all the mentioned advantages, I firmly believe that people who have developed multiple skills are more likely to be successful, comparing with people who only focus on one skill.

hemodata

lijinglol 发表于 2013-8-16 23:04
What we’ve been debating here is whether people with multiple skills are more likely to succeed. Al ...

谢谢66！稍后我会认真修改滴！
66在用词和搭配方面好厉害的样子！