作文交流贴 ISSUE 1---第二次写作以及心得兼求拍

jameszhm · 发表于 2011-10-19 22:34:01

感觉作文列提纲很重要。花费了两分钟，不过后来觉得还是没有写好，意思不清晰，后来写的时候反而突然没有想法了，都不知道提纲是什么观点。
第二次写作的时候，第一段后面才写，不过觉得在30min的压力下，第一段写得很不靠谱。没有很好的表明自己的POSITION。
中间有吃面，所以后面表达反对的观点感觉写的很没有说服力。可能提纲写的很不好有关。然后很觉得例子没有写好，有木有。
第一次的时候写文章是背了些北美范文的，第二篇就觉得语言很干巴巴的。
不过时间上，速度大概提高了一倍。
求指导。
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ISSUE 1
1) As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.
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本人习作时间：30min 字数:400
will the the ability of humans to think for themselves deteriorate as people rely more and more on technology to solve problems?the speak that agreed with this opinion may base on the laziness of our human beings.

i agree with the speaker that some people rely more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.because they would think less due to the help of the machine like computer,accordingly, the time saved would be utilized for entertaining.as the time goes by ,those people would think less and less, as a result, the ability of them to think for themselves will be hampered.we may take the movie <wall-e>for example, the robot have entered an spacestation to find that the human in it have completely lost their ability to work nor think because they have relied on the machine to much so that they have been the slave of the machine for generations.what they would do during the days are eating ,entaining,however, they have been so fat that they can't walk easily.

another example is the plargirism.due to high accessibility for information generated by others ,some people would lose the passion to think nor creat for theirown.they just copy the fruite of others,as time goes by they have nothing learnt.

however,as the knowledge i have received, i would conclude that we human beings would utilize those techology as tools to develop ourselves in terms of thinking ability,creativity and the power to change.

we may take internet for example,as we have be a netizen globely,we have utilize this technology for make a better world.we are informed to save enery through internet advocation through shutting up the lights for one hour.this case have showed that we can use technology to generate better ideas to solving the most chanllenging problems.in science section, this opion would be proved widely.we human being can break the bound of the knowledge,explore the unpredicted field by the technologies,like the human genome project,manhattan project.

according the contention above, we may find that As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves changes personaly.as the developments go on,the power of us to think and to change would increase,however ,for some people,the will surely deteriorate since their laziness.

竹林中人 · 发表于 2011-10-19 23:29:39

继续，加油！

ppguo · 发表于 2011-10-19 23:55:13

1. 一个很大的问题，你句子开头从来不用大写吗？
2. i agree with the speaker that some people rely more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate。这里你不是完全同意，所以不要用”will surely", 而是“may".
3. 在篇幅上，正面和反面的各占百分之五十，这样会显得自己的立场不清楚。如果你是比较持反面观点的，那么反面的论述应该多一些。

jameszhm · 发表于 2011-10-21 00:53:43

谢谢ppguo哥，非常感谢指教哈
1. 一个很大的问题，你句子开头从来不用大写吗？
嗯，下次就会注意了，可能太赶速度了这次。
2. i agree with the speaker that some people rely more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate。这里你不是完全同意，所以不要用”will surely", 而是“may".
嗯，所以在同意对方的部分观点的时候需要用模糊一点的词语，这样有利于自己后面观点的用词，这样才会有力。
3. 在篇幅上，正面和反面的各占百分之五十，这样会显得自己的立场不清楚。如果你是比较持反面观点的，那么反面的论述应该多一些
谢谢，我这次可能受到GRE 5.5影响较大，可能只是学到了一部分，应该站定立场后详略得当，突出重点。

再次谢谢哈，今天实验做到十点，明天汇报，所以欠了一篇。

jameszhm · 发表于 2011-10-21 00:54:00

谢谢一起啊~

冷月钟笛 · 发表于 2011-10-22 12:28:13

段落分布有点奇怪，听别人讲，每段字数最好在70-80以上，保证论述完整~

jameszhm · 发表于 2011-10-25 02:53:23

段落分布有点奇怪，听别人讲，每段字数最好在70-80以上，保证论述完整~
谢谢，有时候例子比较长，容易一下子写多了，这个该怎么办？

ppguo · 发表于 2011-10-25 03:21:11

段落分布有点奇怪，听别人讲，每段字数最好在70-80以上，保证论述完整~
谢谢，有时候例子比较长，容易一下子写多了，这个该怎么办？

-- by 会员 jameszhm (2011/10/25 2:53:23)

我觉得冷月的意思不是你写长了，而是有两段太短了。她说是“70-80以上”。
冷月，确认下我的理解对不对？：）

冷月钟笛 · 发表于 2011-10-25 22:36:58

嗯没错我是这个意思~

[作文] 作文交流贴 ISSUE 1---第二次写作以及心得兼求拍

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