急问！这样的水平，写作能到多少分？赐教！！！

21号就要考试了，最没有底的是作文，烦请大家帮我看一下，这样的语言能得多少分？

时间关系我没有写全，写了两个论证段，想必大家也能看出我的水平了，很没底~~！~~

题目：父母是孩子最好的老师

I am not agree with the statement.

1. parents play an important role in the children’s growing, but they are not the best teacher. Since parents initiate their children during their early time, including childhood and primary school period, however, children gain more valuable knowledge such as arts, mathematics and literary from their real teacher in the high school and even in the universities. This kind of knowledge can help the children to a brighter future. Parents cannot keep up with rapid social and technological changes.

2 .parents cannot give the children objective suggestions. While the parents are to familiar with their children, they cannot clearly recognize the children’s merits and drawbacks. So that they cannot give them advice in objective ways. And also they may added their own willing to their children. For instance, my mother want me to be a teacher, since it is her dream which has not reached yet. She make it my goal. However, she neglect that I am too shy to be a teacher.

Ps：这样的水平的东西也贴出来的确不好意思，不过想听听大家的，受受打击也好。更希望大家能给我指条明路。

万分感谢

有一些动词时态错误，实例可以写丰富些、长一些～

嗯，的确，尤其在考试的时候，时间很紧，时态的地方就会错。还是水平差造成的，再加上拼写错误什么的，考官就看出我真的很差了，练得太少！

谢谢楼上，终于有人回复了

没有很好的展开，前后文衔接感觉不够紧凑

PS:其实上下文，句子间连接词的选用，也是一大技巧，能够很顺的读下来才有可能拿高分