xiaxiaya的作文贴

laneesherry

不好意思现在才有空过来。。。
顺带问一下我同时也负责改你的独立吗？忙得各种晕结果忘了把分组截图

The professor in the lecture disputes the reading passage and argue that the painting of the elderly woman is definitely a work of Remdandt, proved by some examiniation by some scientists. In the lecture, several reason is cited to explain those doubts, even though the professor admites the evidence pointed out in the passage.（这里的第一段总结得好精炼！）

The first reason is that inconsistencies between the elderly woman's linen cap and the fur collar in the painting is caused by someone after the painting was finished for hundreds years. The professor indicates that a X-ray examination of this painting reveals that some color was added to the original painting after 100 year the painting finished, on the purpose to increase its value. The X-ray examination shows that the original painting is well consisited in the detail of the dress which is expected to be the work of R（这里不太确定是否可以直接用一个字母来代替人名。不过既然已经听出来了，多打几个字也没什么吧？）.

Moreover, as for the light and shadow, the professor points out that the face in the painting will reappear to be illuminated by an original light color in the fur collar, which has been changed by later painter. So in the original painting, the light and shadow is well managed as it is supposed to be a R' work.（这里只说出了教授的反驳，建议还是提及一下文段中说的具体存在的问题。）

Finally, the evidence of glued panel is also affected by later painter. As the professor argues, the original painting is definitely painted in a single panel, but someone added these pieces of wood on the top side of the original panel to enlarge the painting board to make it more valuable and grand. Additionally, the professor also gives another evidence to prove this work's being painted by R. Some studies have found that the wood of the original panel is from the same tree which was also used to made the panel for R's another works -- his self portrait. （这一段听力部分的细节和点都很到位，但是文段的存在感还是稍弱）


总体印象：大概是因为楼主有过精听，对比起初稿，这一篇的听力部分的点全部都很到位。但是阅读部分却因此而忽略了，建议还是提及一下。

最后附上TIPs和来自无老师的满分范文

TIP：
这篇文章在成文的过程中不可避免的要对passage 部分进行一定的转述，仅仅写TS 是不够的。这是因为这些要转述的细节是lecture 反驳的基础，如果回避了，就无法逻辑清晰了，因为会给读者天外飞仙之感。在成文的过程中，lecture 部分的细节是重中之重，一定要把那些回答why 的内容体现出来。这就是为什么要求精听了。听了个大概，然后开始猜细节，这样的结果只有一种，那就是死的很惨。所以，不要随便说自己听懂了，如果试着一句句的听写出来，或者仔细看看lecture 部分的文本，是很容易发现自己漏掉了一些好像很小但是却很重要的部分。

范文：

The lecture revises the idea presented in the text, that Rembrandt was not the artist who painted the famous painting "Portrait of an Elderly Woman in a White Bonnet”.  

The inconsistency between the white cap, which identifies the woman as a servant, and the expensive fur collar she wears dissolves as the Professor explains that the fur collar was apparently painted over the original painting to increase its worth by displaying an aristocratic  woman.  

In addition, the assumption that light and shadow in the painting do not fit together is refuted by the fact that in the original painting, the woman wears a light cloth that illuminated her face. Thus the presentation of light and shadow was indeed very realistic and accurate, as it is characteristic of Rembrandt’s paintings.  

  

Finally, the mystery of the panel consisting of patches glued together is also solved in the lecture.  Actually, the wood panel was later enlarged to make it more grand and valuable, but the original painting was painted on a single panel, as Rembrandt would have done it. Furthermore, the wood is of the same tree used in other Rembrandt paintings, like the "Self-Portrait with a Hat”.  

All this information points to Rembrandt as the painter of the controversial painting.  

laneesherry

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-11 10:03
恩，是的~还得麻烦你帮忙改独立~

准备来帮楼主改作文的时候发现已经有人在一个小时前发表了修改意见。。。
你确定没有记错负责人吗之前忘记截图真是我的重大失误。。。

laneesherry

到今天为止一直在忙着赶论文现在才有空过来还请不要介意。<(_ _)>

蓝色是个人意见和建议修改的地方
红色是强烈建议修改的地方


To be a good leader in political orbusiness（or business） area cannot be easy, which requires all kinds of skills and ability.Is the ability to take responsibility for mistakes that measures most for asuccessful political or business leader? In my point of view, it doesn't seemto（seem to） be in the case.(好简洁明了的开头！)

Admittedly, the sense of responsibility isone（is one） of the necessities for a good leader. Obviously, people will not select aperson( a person ) who does not care about the severe impact on which mistakes might have.In a group or a community, the responsibility for mistakes makes the memberstrust( member strust ) their leader, which will in return encourage the leader to guide thedirection( the direction ) for the crowds of the group or community. President Washington hasbeen( has been ) long admire( admired , 被动语态) for his honesty and responsibility for mistakes, especiallyfamous（ especially famous ) for his childhood story,( 这里建议加半句话来概括说明一下华盛顿童年的事) and benefited his country as one of the mostsuccessful( most successful ) leader in history.（本段是让步段，说明了有责任感也是非常必要的。）

However, drastically emphasizing this characterwill（ character will ) sometimes be harmful for the leaders, especially the political andbusiness . There is a perfect example that some famous entrepreneur and parityleader ended his/her life for the guilty that made a wrong decision leading afailure ( a failure ) for his/her people. They are too self denied after taking theresponsibility for the mistakes. In fact, everyone is born to make mistakes,inevitable for the leaders who are regarded as the perfect people. (本段是第一个反驳段，观点是太强调责任感有时会产生反效果。支持性说理句是有很多有名的领导者因此而轻生。建议在这之后举一个更加具体的例子。我历史学得不好，印象中自杀的西方领导人好像只有希特勒？中国古代倒是有一堆但是总觉得在托福作文里面用感觉好怪的样子。。。也许楼主可以试着说自己一个朋友工作/实习的公司怎样怎样。)

Most important is that there are moreimportant（more important） things for a good leader. In political and business field, leadersare( leaders are ) expected to be the one who makes the most essential decisions and can bring their people more interest in politicsor in finance. So a leader should be clever enough to make the best choice,should be calm enough to face the challenge, and should be brave enough to facehis mistakes and struggle out from the bad situation. That is a best leader canmake his/her effort to make the group improve and become better.( 这句话说实话看的不是很懂。从语法上讲似乎是本句在没有用连词的情况下出现了两个动词？) Without thischaracter（ this character ）, a person cannot be the one in the position to direct a whole group,a party or a company, all of which are form by people for their own interest.（本段观点是除了责任感一个好的领导人还需要更多更重要的素质。同样建议加上例子。比如说一个人虽然说责任心很强但是其他方面不行，结果还是不能够成为一个合格的领导者。）

To make it brief, the ability to take the responsibility for mistakes cannot bethe（ be the ) most important character of a successful political or business leader, eventhough it is indeed an necessary one. The ability to make the group, party,company and its member benefit more should be the most important character of apolitical or business leader.


总体印象：
觉得楼主写这篇文章的时候有些仓促，很多地方两个单词连在了一起。
总体结构非常清晰，纯说理的句子也很到位，但是少了例子的支持，显得有些单薄。

laneesherry

xiaxiaya 发表于 2013-8-12 21:48
谢谢laneeshery童鞋~~

T.T单词连在一起，我也不知道为什么，在word里好好的，贴过来就连一块了

编例子说实话我也不知道有什么诀窍。。。
不过减少叙述性描写的话，我的方法是强迫自己在一句话之内、顶多一个长句加一个短句之内把例子写完。这样的话就会努力地去想一些更简洁的表达，同时也会把不必要的部分尽可能的删掉，然后就解决掉啰嗦的问题了。