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A person's entire life span can be divided into several important phases, including the childhood when he(s/he) has a lot of fun,(;) the adult time, in which he(s/he) pursues his/her dreams, and the aging days full of (cherished) memory(memories). The determination of the most significant period of people's life may vary depending on their different background and experience. I believed(believe) that hardly (would) everyone agree that the childhood years are the most important(crucial) years of his/her life. (The first paragraph was well organized and successfully demonstrated author’s perspective clearly. However, you should pay more attention to he/she, his/her, remember that-it is a minor negligence but enough to disfigure your image in those ETS professors for the simple reason that they are tenacious feminists!)

As to some people, childhood years are(were) not the time when they shined and they may(might) even suffered a lot from the experience during that time. When these people were asked to identify the great days of their life, barely did they mention the childhood years. For example(the phrase for example now in TOEFL test is virtually abused, consequently, I strongly suggest that you can use to give a demonstration instead), Einstein, the greatest physicist in modern society, was regarded as idiot before his attending college. His teacher was jealous of his talent on mathematics and criticized him frequently. Einstein was hurt deeply, so deep(it is better to avoid the reappearance of the same word, here you can use inconsolable instead) that after his growing up, he described the school life as imprisonment. For him, and the people who had the same experience as his would definitely not treat the early years of their lives as the most important days.(Potent proof! What you have mentioned would indubitably support your stance! You should write in this way, and fortunately, you are now on the right way.)

What's more(To such a reason, another must be added can help you get out of the stereotype.), the key determinations that change the trace of life are often made in the period other(rather) than childhood. Deciding the future can be regarded(deemed is also Okay) as one of the most important(it seems that you have used the word important too frequently, crucial and vital are both good choices, cardinal, in some condition, is also Okay.) things throughout the entire life, but the children are not mature enough to make it. Take Grignard for example(Grignard provided us with a quintessential demonstration for this), he almost wasted all his years on playing and dating until the age of twenty one, when he met a graceful lady. Her abhorrence of the knowledge-lacking person made him realized the importance of study. Grignard's life started to alter from then. After years of hard working, he finally became a famous chemist in the field of organic chemistry. 'Thanks to the lady I met in the year of twenty one,' Grignard had stated this for several times.(Your essay is different but someway higher than others’ due to your potent example using which will bring you with a 5 score essay! Add oil!)

Admittedly(Well, this word now is abused, in the light of such a situation, you can use indubitably instead), we shaped our personalities and gained a lot of fun in our childhood years. Scientists have also proved that it is the most efficient time for learning new skills. But life itself is a series of events, one can never tell what will happen(is about to befall on him/her), whom he will meet and where will he go in the future. All the things including love, disappointment and struggle for life may influence a person's life, and could be considered as the most important event in the life, yet these are all the things that not occurred in the early years.

To sum up(Now, let us come to a conclusion), though the childhood is a significant period of one's life that deserves paying much attention, it is hardly to reach the conclusion that it is the most important.

(Some minor errors will not make any side effect on your scale score. You successfully used examples to support your stance. It is what ETS hope to see. I believe this essay will obtain a high score like 27 or 28, add oil, you can even do better!)