晨依小超人的写作贴，欢迎拍砖！

晨依Jacqueline

谢谢IVY亲的建议~
我居然又犯了这么多小错误，单复数、时态……又变男孩纸了呜
今天作文要消灭掉小错误！

晨依Jacqueline

5月10日 独立写作
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important investment for a big company is to improve the efficiency and proficiency of its employees.

In today's economy, a big company must take measures to put a large amount of investment in order to stand out of the severe competition and then create a lot of profit. Hence, it is of great significance to invest on improving the efficiency as well as the proficiency of its stuff. My reasons are threefold.

Primarily, a rise in employee's working ability is of great help to improving the service of the company. I've heard of a company, Haidilao, which is well known in China for its perfect service and advanced concept of management. As the CEO of Haidilao claims, they invest a great deal of money to educating their employees for the purpose of improving their working efficiency and providing walfare(welfare) to family members of their employees. In this way, not only do the employees are willing to work energeticly(energetic), but their family members are satisfied with the company and encourage them to work more efficiently for such a considerate company.

Subsequently, as the quality of stuff is an essential element of a big enterprise, it has responsiblility(responsibility) to maximum the quality as well as skills of its stuff. In some special fields of industry, employees are always required to be well-educated and skilled to work with hi-tech machines and devices. For example, the Foxconn company, intensively invests on the training of its employees. Once the working efficiency and proficiency of its employees have increased, they may catch up with the latest technique and manage to operate the advanced machines. As a result, the employees created an incrediable(incredible) profit for the company.

Plus, only by improving the working ability and efficiency of the employees can they make fewer mistakes and create more profit to the company. From an aspect of investment and rewards, a better trained employee will devote himself to a larger extent and then cause less troubles to the company, leading to a tremendous raise in the profit of the company. In China, before the year of reforming and opening up, the owners of companies didn't attach any importance to providing extra opportunities to training their employees and the growth of those companies were harder because of the low quality of the products and the inefficiency of their workers.

In summary, due to the above-mentioned reasons, we could safely arrive at a conclusion that the most crucial investment for an enterprise is to increase the employees' working efficiency and proficiency.

sang824

5月10日 独立写作
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important investment for a big company is to improve the efficiency and proficiency of its employees.

In today's economy, a big company must take measures to put a large amount of investment in order to stand out of in the severe(感觉ferice恰当一点) competition and then creates a lot of profits. Hence, it is of great significance to invest on improving the efficiency as well as the proficiency of its stuff. My reasons are threefold.

Primarily, a rise in employee's working ability is of great help(觉得这个表达不对，of great use?) to improving improve the service of the company. I've heard of a company, Haidilao, which is well known in China for its perfect service and advanced concept of management. As the CEO of Haidilao claims, they invest a great deal of money to educatingeducate their employees for the purpose of improving their working efficiency and providing walfare(welfare) to family members of their employees(直接to their family members好啦). In this way, not only aredo the employees are willing to work with energeticly(energetic), but their family members are also satisfied with the company and encourage them to work more efficiently for such a considerate company.

Subsequently, as the quality of stuff is an essential element of a big enterprise, it has responsiblility(responsibility) to maximum the quality as well as skills of its stuff. In some special fields of industry, employees are always required to be well-educated and skilled to work with hi-tech machines and devices. For example, the Foxconn company, intensively invests on the training of its employees. Once the working efficiency and proficiency of its employees have increased, they may catch up with the latest technique and manage to operate the advanced machines. As a result, the employees created an incrediable(incredible) profit for the company.

Plus, only by improving the working ability and efficiency of the employees can they make fewer mistakes and create more profits to the company. From an aspect of investment and rewards, a better trained employee will devote himself to a larger extent and then cause lessfewer troubles to the company, leading to a tremendous raise in the profit of the company. In China, before the year of reforming and opening up, the owners of companies didn't attach any importance to providing provide extra opportunities to training train their employees and the growth of those companies were harder(slow) because of the low quality of the products and the inefficiency of their workers.

In summary, due to the above-mentioned reasons, we could safely arrive at a conclusion that the most crucial investment for an enterprise is to increase the employees' working efficiency and proficiency.

conclusion:晨依的表达和用词都很棒！结构很清晰，句子很流畅！
                  一定一定一定注意小错误，像不定式，单复数，这样扣分太不值了！
                 512加油！

晨依Jacqueline

O(∩_∩)O谢谢sang~
明天多留出时间来检查检查！小错误不能放过~~
晨依明天考完试再给你修改作文好不好哇~

sang824

O(∩_∩)O谢谢sang~
明天多留出时间来检查检查！小错误不能放过~~
晨依明天考完试再给你修改作文好不好哇~

-- by 会员 晨依Jacqueline (2012/5/11 14:47:28)

没有问题啦~~等你凯旋的消息嘿嘿

Crystaljoy

5.8 独立写作
Parents are children's first and best teachers. Some people believe that children should choose the same career as their parents. I, however, vote against this idea.

Priorly, children should pick a piece of job that really suits them. Opposed to what many parents think that children are bound to choose a job which has both high social status and decent salaries, a few experts point out that it is more critical for children to choose a job that matches their education levels, working abilities and so on. For instance, the son of my father's colleague once took a piece of job as an accountant working in the Bank of China. Though his father performed excellent on working, he lived(couldn’t live) up to his father's expectations with a poor working skills and caused quite a few mistakes in work. Since he could not perform as well as his father did, he failed to pass the trail（trail？）.

Subsequently, major is another factor that should be taken into consideration when hunting jobs. In other words, children should look for jobs that are relevant to what they learned in universities. Despite that the son of my father's colleague is a post-graduate student majored in marketing from a national key university, he knew too little about the daily operations in the bank systems. Additionally, he felt depressed as well because he couldn't understand the accountant work and his academic performance was of no use dealing with his current work. In comparision(comparison), choosing a work which has a relationship with marketing may be more beneficial to him.

What's more, the interest of children should not be neglected, either. For example, I have dreamed of being a teacher sharing knowledge with children who are in remote areas since I was in middle school. But I was forced to choose finance as my major in college becasue(because) my parents expected me to work in national banks as they did. With no interest or passion in economics, I chose to sleep in every class and got only very low GPA in my grade in my first year in college. (环环相扣啊。in my first college year)From my own experience, obviously we can see it is essential for children to do what they like rather than conpelling(compelling) them to like what they do.  （rather than 前后句式并列. follow their parents’ path ）

In summary, due to the above-mentioned resons(reasons), we could safely arrive at a conclusion that it is cruicial(crucial) for children to choose their jobs according to their interests, their majors and some other factors instead of copying a career which is totally the same with their parents. In this case will children live a happy life. （只有only in…才需要倒装）



下面的建议，比较八股，但是希望对晨依明天考场上有点帮助：



结构方面：建议结尾之前让步，显得逻辑严密。比如这个文章就说说选parents的职业多么好。。。但是考虑到。。。仍然你的观点是最好的。



内容：开头比较平淡。建议充实背景介绍，要是一时想不起来很壮观的话，就排比，反问，引用之类，也不难。尽量生动，想办法让考官眼前一亮。

三个观点不是很明晰。比如前两点，意思基本一致。所以我建议你考试时候就写两点，第三段让步。



句式方面：比较偏冗长，不够简洁有效，但是这个一时改不了。算是字数优势，乖考场逻辑表达清楚就好。



宝贝加油，我在家等你凯旋！！！

晨依Jacqueline

谢谢鸟儿姐姐点拨！
谢谢sang的理解~
爪机不给力，看完了，我再去研究下作文~晚安

chenglu9066

怎么加入写作小分队呢 我托福两次都是21分的写作分数 很头痛啊

CCcarol

晨依大宝贝~ 我在想~ 我要不要也开一个写作贴呢~ 可是~ Carol的写作真的好差好差噢...

whatwanqi

牛