晨依小超人的写作贴，欢迎拍砖！

jasonma2046

红色为错误，蓝色为疑惑or建议，高亮为精彩，绿色为个人点评。

Criteria vary among different people when choosing universities（用抽象名词+vary 开头，不错！）. Some people concentrate more on the reputation of a professor, I, however, firmly believe students as well as their parents should focus more on the development of graduates when making decisions on which university to attend.

To begin with, with the expand recruiting（知道你的意思，建议修改为increasingly competitive enrollment） policy put forward by several universities, a student is less likely to acquire equal attention from the famous professor because of the skyrocketing number of students attending universities. Even if a student is chosen as a lucky dog by the professor because of his/her talent or potential, it is definitely wrong for him/her to dream of obtaining a promising future benefited from the professor. On the contrary, he or she has to work more deligently(diligently) to satisfy the professor's needs like collecting data or analyzing reports instead of developing in other subject(s) areas which are meanwhile crucial to his/ her future career. Thus, that leads to a worse dilemma when the student graduated from university, he might be not wholesome developed to meet the employer's requirements. Apparently, the outcome disappointed(disappoints 上面用的都是现在时) what he expected.

In addition, one situation which should be taken  into account is that professors with high reputation are often required to make public speeches nationwide or attend some meetings to perform a couple of new researches. Once, for example, I watched a TV programme which demostrated the classic Chinese literature-the Confucious(Confucius), speeched by a famous professor, Yu Dan, from Beijing Teacher's University. I was fanscinated(fascinated) about Professor Yu's lecture and dreamed of taking part in her lecture face-to-face. But one of my best friend who majored in Chinese literature in that university told me that Professor Yu was so busy that she could manage only few classes in a limited time. Plus, an undeniable phenomenon arisen among universities is that a massive number of professors tend to spare more time on doing academic research rather than educating students. Hence, scarcely will a student acquire direct instruction by（from?） a well-known professor. （这里的example用的很好！）

Admittedly, following the instructions of a famous professor is of great significance in doing researches as well as working on projects because his/her authority and fame can prosper the student in a further development in a specific field, it still could not be overstressed as a key factor measuring universities by students as well as their parents. In fact, an increasing attention paid to the development of graduates, which is more persuasive to indicate a student's future development, is deserved.(The more increasing attention paid to the development of graduates, the more persuasive to indicate a student’s future development.)

In sum, I vote forstudents focusing more on the development of graduates than seeking for the fame of professors when making their decisions. I bet students will benefit a lot from this wise decision and win a brilliant future.



Conclusion:

1.论证充分，词汇丰富，表达灵活, 连接词用的很好，条理清楚。

2.建议应该用些生僻的词，显得高雅，呵呵。

瓜瓜不瓜

严重拖延症患者出现，离考试还有10天，终于完成了第一篇写作，求拍砖！！！
我练的不是TPO里的题，是185篇里的分类练习，不知道行不行？
先把自己的贴出来，写了整整43分钟，严重超时。
题目是：Many students have to live with roommates while going to school or university. What are some of the important qualities of a good roommate? Use specific reasons and examples to explain why these qualities are important.

我写的，求各种拍砖
In our life, especially when we are in school, we share a room with others unavoidably. Good roommates make our daily life beautiful, while roommates with bad qualities can make our life miserable. So, what are important qualities a good roommate should have? I will state my opinion in the following passage.

The very quality I value in the first place is respect, because respecting others is the basic rule when daily communication. Lots of things vary from people to people, such as customs, opinion and so on. We cannot force others to change their own way of living just to fit to ourselves. A roommate of mine is from Sichuan province where people love spicy food to death, and she even cannot eat anything without hot pepper. So every time we, four girls in my dormitory, had meal together, we order at least one spicy dish, even though other three of us do not like spicy food so much. We respect her diet custom, and we live a quite harmony life together.

Once refer to respect, honest is a must point to put forward. Not mention the fact that it is the essential quality for a roommate, it is a fundamental principle for being a social man. Honest means not only telling no lies, but also speaking one's dissatisfaction. In dormitory life, it is sure that conflicts happen from time to time. Speaking out dissatisfaction gives others a chance to correct, and to improve, which creates a easy and happy atmosphere among roommates.

Last but not least, a good roommate should leave a private space for every roommate both physically and mentally. Everyone has its own secret he or she want let others know, or he or she just is not prepared to tell. Saying thing like, "tell me" or "I promise that I won't tell others", is not a help but a burden. Once one of my roommates came back with tears in eyes, we chose to just comfort her without asking why. After several days, she told us the reason why she cried that night and said she felt such a relief that we didn't ask why at that time. As I mentioned, sincerity, which is an aspect of honesty, will eventually let we know things we are supposed to know.

Friendship among roommates is so shiny in our life, so be a good roommate is a important thing. In my opinion, only if one can respect others, be honest, and leave others privacy that he or she can be a lovely roommate.

瓜瓜不瓜

晨依，我终于付诸实践了，第一次互批，多多包涵。红色表示优秀之处，如高级词汇，好连接词，绿色为需要改进之处

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students should be more focused on the development of graduates than on the fame of professors when choosing university.

Criteria vary among different people when choosing universities. Some people concentrate more on the reputation of a professor, I, however, firmly believe students as well as their parents should focus more on the development of graduates when making decisions on which university to attend.

To begin with, with the expand recruiting policy put forward by several universities, a student is less likely to acquire equal attention from the famous professor because of the skyrocketing number of students attending universities. Even if a student is chosen as a lucky dog by the professor because of his/her talent or potential, it is definitely wrong for him/her to dream of obtaining a promising future benefited from the professor. On the contrary, he or she has to work more deligently(diligently) to satisfy the professor's needs like collecting data or analyzing reports instead of developing in other subject areas which are meanwhile crucial to his/ her future career. Thus, that leads to a worse dilemma when the student graduated from university, he might be not wholesome developed to meet the employer's requirements. Apparently, the outcome disappointed what he expected.

In addition, one situation which should be taken into account is that professors with high reputation are often required to make public speeches nationwide or attend some meetings to perform a couple of new researches. Once, for example, I watched a TV programme which demostrated the classic Chinese literature-the Confucious(Confucius), speeched by a famous professor, Yu Dan, from Beijing Teacher's University. I was fanscinated(fascinated) about Professor Yu's lecture and dreamed of taking part in her lecture face-to-face. But one of my best friend who majored in Chinese literature in that university told me that Professor Yu was so busy that she could manage only few classes in a limited time. Plus, an undeniable phenomenon arisen among universities is that a massive number of professors tend to spare more time on doing academic research rather than educating students. Hence, scarcely will a student acquire direct instruction by a well-known professor.  例子用的很好！！！

Admittedly, following the instructions of a famous professor is of great significance in doing researches as well as working on projects because his/her authority and fame can prosper the student in a further development in a specific field, it still could not be overstressed as a key factor measuring universities by students as well as parents. In fact, an increasing attention paid to the development of graduates, which is more persuasive to indicate a student's future development, is deserved.

In sum, I vote for students focusing more on the development of graduates than seeking for the fame of professors when making their decisions. I bet students will benefit a lot from this wise decision and win a brilliant future.

建议：只说了看重老师名声的不可取之处，可以写一段注重 development of graduates 的好处。

PS：晨依！！！well done！！！看了你的作文我发现我的太死板，太条条框框的废话了。

晨依Jacqueline

真的很抱歉，现在才给瓜瓜修改作文……
红色为错误，蓝色为疑惑or建议，绿色为个人点评，高亮为精彩！
In our life, especially when we are in(at) school, we share a room with others unavoidably. Good roommates make our daily life beautiful, while roommates with bad qualities can make our life miserable. So, what are important qualities a good roommate should have? I will state my opinion in the following passage.(个人感觉最好能在文章首段点出qualities)

The very quality I value in the first place is respect, because respecting others is the basic rule when daily communication(in our daily communication/communicating...when后面不能直接只加一个名词呀). Lots of things vary from people to people, such as customs, opinion and so on. We cannot force others to change their own way of living just to fit to ourselves. A roommate of mine is from Sichuan province where people love spicy food to death(这里是有固定搭配吗...晨依不知道，感觉好像不是很正式...瓜瓜再斟酌下), and she even cannot eat anything without hot pepper. So every time we, four girls in my dormitory, had meal together, we order at least one spicy dish, even though other three of us do not like spicy food so much. We respect her diet custom, and we live a quite harmony life together.(example不错，我觉得respect还要强化一下意思，因为我一开始看的时候觉得是尊敬的那种意味，后来发现是尊重习俗什么的，可以再末尾加一句总结句。)

Once refer to respect, honest is a must point to put forward. Not mention the fact that it is the essential quality for a roommate, it is a fundamental principle for being a social man(社会人？). Honest means not only telling no lies, but also speaking (+out) one's dissatisfaction. In dormitory life, it is sure that conflicts happen from time to time. Speaking out dissatisfaction gives others a chance to correct, and to improve, which creates a(n) easy and happy atmosphere among roommates.(需要充实一个example哈、)

Last but not least, a good roommate should leave a private space for every roommate both physically and mentally. Everyone has its own secret he or she want let others know, or he or she just is not prepared to tell. Saying thing like, "tell me" or "I promise that I won't tell others", is not a help but a burden. Once one of my roommates came back with tears in eyes, we chose to just comfort her without asking why. After several days, she told us the reason why she cried that night and said she felt such a relief that we didn't ask why(the reasons好一点点) at that time. As I mentioned, sincerity, which is an aspect of honesty, will eventually let we know things we are supposed to know.

Friendship among roommates is so shiny in our life, so be a good roommate is a(n) important thing. In my opinion, only if one can respect others, be honest, and leave others privacy that he or she can be a lovely roommate.



[CONCLUSION]

瓜瓜的作文写得很不错的哇，比我的第一篇要好得多！主要是不拘泥于形式，而且用一些很简单的词语实现了很好的表达~感受最深的是句子写得很棒，很流畅的感觉！我觉得需要提高的部分是突出一下每段的topic，开头最好也能暗示出来这些qualities或者重要等等。

晨依Jacqueline

同时也谢谢瓜瓜给晨依修改的作文哦~一起进步~

瓜瓜不瓜

晨依的意见我收到啦

我觉得自己写的算是中规中矩的5段式，晨依哪里觉得给你不拘形式的感觉呢我也不知道要中规中矩地写好，还是随性一点好。。

晨依Jacqueline

5月3日 独立写作
Living in the contemporary world, people are more frequently moving from a city to another city than in the past. This phenomenon is sometimes said bad because a shifting on locations would probably lead to losing connections with friends. I, however, totally disagree with this viewpoint.

To the first extent, the motivation of moving to a new place is various. For abundant reasons people nowadays have to leave where they live for a new place, take the requirements of jobs, the pursuing of higher education, the better living condition as such. For example, a group of world famous scientists move to the United States every year and some even settle down in that country. For them, seeking a more advanced academic environment for doing researches and working on their experiments. Obviously we can see, the highly developed technology and financial support have contributed to their fame and reputation, even win several awards in the new city. So it is really a good thing for those scientists moving or living in a new place and they also get aquintances(acquaintance) with a lot of outstanding people.

Taking the consequences of moving into consideration. Though a change in location will be bad in some degree, not all of the negative effects that moving brings about could be concluded to losing friends. One of my best friends, who was asked to live in Beijing to success the job, is always complaining about his moving. As he says unwillingly, because the climate in Beijing makes him feel extremely uncomfortable, he has to struggle with illness and affections for many months, which distracts his concentration on the current project. What is worse, the raise of his living cost and fees on communications with old friends and colleagues through mobile phones are as well too high to afford. Hence, we may consider the moving is detrimental, it sometimes has nothing to do with losing friend.

In addition, the increasingly closed relationships and connections could not be ignored. No sufficient evidence definitely proves a moving to a new city attributes to the loss of friends. Thanks to the quickly advancing communicating tools, a number of students who study abroad are able to keep in touch with their parents and friends frequently through MSN, e-mails, and cellphones. In other words, it is the long distance makes it possible for students in different cities have more opportunities to communicate with each other, and in further they deepen their friendship because of moving away.  

To sum, while troubles comes up with moving to a new place, I firmly oppose to the statement which asserts that the unfavorable sides of moving to a new city results from the loss of friends for the three reasons above.

晨依Jacqueline

晨依的意见我收到啦

我觉得自己写的算是中规中矩的5段式，晨依哪里觉得给你不拘形式的感觉呢我也不知道要中规中矩地写好，还是随性一点好。。

-- by 会员 瓜瓜不瓜 (2012/5/3 14:51:21)

啊哈我觉得瓜瓜不是写first second third那样子……
而且句子也不是一个接一个的长难从句，觉得很好哇~~有自己的风格！

瓜瓜不瓜

我来啦~么~黄色高亮 红色为不足
Living in the contemporary world, people are more frequently moving from a city to another city than in the past（直接than past感觉更好）. This phenomenon is sometimes said bad because a shifting on locations would probably lead to losing connections with friends. I, however, totally disagree with this viewpoint.

To the first extent, the motivation of moving to a new place is various. For abundant reasons people nowadays have to leave where they live for a new place, （这里缺少一点东西，连词类似物，such as之类的）take the requirements of jobs, the pursuing of higher education, the better living condition as such. For example, a group of world famous scientists move to the United States every year and some even settle down in that country. Forthem，seeking a more advanced academic environment for doing researches and working on their experiments（不是完整句）. Obviously we can see, thehighly developed technology and financial support have contributed to their fame and reputation, even win several awards in the new city. So it is really a good thing for those scientists moving or living in a new place and they also get aquintances(acquaintance) with （正确搭配是of哦，我查了的 LOL）a lot of outstanding people.

Taking the consequences of moving into consideration. Though a change in location will be bad in some degree, not all of the negative effects that moving brings（bring主谓一致） about could be concluded to losing friends. One of my best friends, who was asked to live in Beijing to success the job, is always complaining about his moving. As he says unwillingly, because the climate in Beijing makes him feel extremely uncomfortable, he has to struggle with illness and affections for many months, which distracts his concentrationon the current project. What is worse, the raise of his living cost and fees on communications with old friends and colleagues through mobile phones are as well too high to afford. Hence, we may consider the moving is detrimental,（缺连词） it sometimes has nothing to do with losing friend.

In addition, the increasingly closed relationships and connections could not be ignored（意思有点不明白）. No sufficient evidence definitely proves a moving to a new city attributes to the loss of friends. Thanks to the quickly advancing communicating tools, a number of students who study abroad are able to keep in touch with their parents and friends frequently through MSN, e-mails, and cellphones. In other words, it is the long distance makes it possible for students in different cities have more opportunities to communicate with each other, and in further they deepen their friendship because of moving away.

To sum, while troubles comes up with moving to a new place, I firmly oppose to the statement which asserts that the unfavorable sides of moving to a new city results from the loss of friends for the three reasons above.

总评，思路很清晰，用的词汇也很高级的。多注意句子的完整性，连词什么的别漏下。加了个油！

晨依Jacqueline

啊啊啊这么多错误...我是怎么想的居然还有句子写了一半！呼~~要反思下了！