【写作小分队】daiC for 7.22

stones4

Blue为不确定

Nowadays,根据写作版某强帖说，nowadays的出现示意的是中国学生的作文，会被打入模版行列，另外非常老气。用currently会更好 people tend to levish(levish) a balance between work and relaxrelaxation, which enbales them to pursue the？pleasure of life. When it comes to which time schedule fits such a balance, some people choose to work merely three days with extanded(extended) hours each day. Others opine that it's more cozy(cozier) to work five days a week with shorter hours. As far aslive;"> I'm concerned,live;"> I enjoy the second work schedule better.

For one thing, working for long hours in one day has considerable drawbacks. On one hand, it's likely that we will feel too exhausted if we work over time. Undoutedly, working over time has detrimental impact on our health. For instance, if we don't have enough sleep because of long hours for work, we may feel dizzy or difficult to concerntrate(concentrate) on work next morning. After a long period of such tiring work schedule, some chronicalchronic diseases may occur on us. On the other hand, we may not have time to accompany our family during the three days of work. Originally diciring(desiring)觉得有些奇怪呢`用mean to do sth的搭配是不是更顺一点for more days being with our family and friends, we may instead find out that we see our family members and friends less often. This is because when we are in leisure time during the two days in weekdays, our families and friends need to go to work or study. Additionally, since we need to work for more hours in the three days, we may not have time to have dinners with our familyfamilies and friends.

For another thing, working for five days a week helps me to maintain a good relationship with my colleagues and clients. Iflive;"> I meet five days a week, it's easier for me to cooperate with my workmates and share interesting stories or news with them. Take me as an example, live;">I like to share everyday news with my colleagues, since sharing news is mutual interest for us. Iflive;"> I work just for three days,live;"> I will have less opportunityopportunities to share fresh news with them. Moreover, working in a schedule similar to my clients brings me higher chances of making achievements in business. As most of my clients work five days a week, live;">I need to contact and negociate(negotiate) with them every day during weekdays. Thus, it would be beneficial for me to adapt my work schedule to the overal (overall) business schedule.个人觉得这段的人称运用的有点混乱，前面都是大众观点化的we，后面举得例子自然是用I但是这段的开头也是第一人称I。继续使用第三人称或继续代表大众观点的we会更好一点

In conclusion, the five-day working model is not taking up our time with those who we care for, but rather providing those people and us more mutual free time to have fun together. Also, we can enjoy better chances of success if we work five days a week as our clients and colleagues.



以下是个人拙见，仅供参考

整体上，语言，逻辑，结构都很好。

我鸡蛋里挑下骨头哈~

I 什么什么的句子有7句。有点多了，这种句子在检查的时候稍微变化一下就很OK

If 什么什么的句子也多了一点





主要说下这篇文章的论点吧。我写的时候觉得很苦恼，因为习惯性的找出缺点优点就开始比较了。但是这篇文章主要讨论的是哪个更enjoyable

第二段论的很好，就是少了一些总结性的词。总结出，我选择工作五天，因为它让我更轻松更愉快。

第三段就感觉有点偏了。Benefit和enjoyable还是有意义上区别的，不过我写的时候这里也有点走。表达benefit到enjoyable的转化，再做好一点。



开头结尾很OK

daisyの小夢想

4.9
Which is more important: having more facilities or hiring more teachers?

It's a complex problem for universities to use their money effectively, since the universities need to be concerned about every related member, such as professors, students and staffs. As the interest of professors, students and other members in universities must be different and hard to be balanced, it's difficult for us to have a fixed answer on universities should spend more money on improving facilities or hiring more teachers. If I have to choose one answer, I would select the former one.

To begin with, improving facilities can bring considerable benefits to students. With better facilities like the libraries, advanced computers and stadiums, students can enjoy both their study and life better. Take the library in my university for example, it not only provides us with a large amount of books, ranging from historical reference books to cutting-edge academic journals in every field, but also offers various updating e-books in the online library. Also, our university spends a lot of money on ameliorating the environment inside the library, such as adding more comfortable sofas. With such a fascinating library, we can always have a wonderful time studying and reading interesting books in the library. From the example of our university, I can deeply feel how great excellent facilities of universities can improve the quality of students' study and lives.

In addition, improving facilities can have a significant impact on the professors. With advanced apparatus, professors can express their ideas and deliver their lectures more easily and efficiently. A big projector can help professors to convey their thoughts and show information through ppt and videos. What's more, the facilities of labs can largely depend the quality of researches. Professors have larger possibilities of leading their students to conduct practical experiments and have outstanding findings in an advanced lab with abundant apparatus.

Last but not least, improving facilities enables universities to enjoy better reputation. Facilities can be an important factor for high school students to consider on choosing dream universities. Universities with upgraded facilities will attract more talented applicants. With more talented students entering it, universities can enjoy higher reputation.

To sum up, updating facilities can benefit the students, the professors and the universities themselves. As it can satisfy these three important parts of a university, improving facilities will bring a brighter future for universities.

miss绿光

Which is more important: having morefacilities or hiring more teachers?

我第一次改，所以好多地方不清楚，且看别人的作文感觉真是不一样，要有不好的地方还请Daisy见谅~
蓝色的是我的建议
红色的是我加的词
粉色的是内容/结构的概要
高亮是好词

It'sa complex problem for universities to use [相对高级词汇：utilize] their money effectively,since the universities need to be concerned aboutevery related member, such as professors, students and staffs. As theinterest of professors, students and other members in universities must bedifferent and hard to be balanced, thus [两个完整句子之间没有连词] it's difficult for us to have afixed answer on [应该不能加句子吧] whetheruniversities should spend more money on improving facilities or on [更平行] hiring more teachers. If I have tochoose one answer, I would select the former one.

Tobegin with, improving facilities can bring considerable benefits to students. With better facilities like [such as?更严谨…GMAT….]the libraries, advanced computers and stadiums, students can enjoy both theirstudy and life better. Take the library in my university for example, it notonly provides us with a large amount of books, ranging from historicalreference books to cutting-edgeacademic journals in every field, but also offers various updating e-books inthe online library. Also [刚刚出现also，可以换成furthermore/what’s more], our university spends alot of money on amelioratingthe environment inside the library, such as adding more comfortable sofas. Withsuch a fascinating library, we can always have a wonderful time studying andreading interesting books in the library. From the example of our [my] university, I can [可以去掉] deeply feel how great excellent facilities of universities can improve the quality of students' study and lives. [如果语法上允许的话，觉得把can提前到excellent前比较好，要不顺着读下来容易以为great excellent都是修饰facilities]
[连着三处都是can的表达，前两处中的can可以替换/删除一个。最好弄第二个，这样可以隔开第一个和第三个can]

Inaddition, improving facilities can have a significant impacton the professors. With advanced apparatus [代替了facilities，好],professors can express their ideas and deliver their lectures more easily andefficiently. A big projector [查了一下，projector指的是那个放映机，而这里的意思想要表达的是大的屏幕，要不改成 sophisticatedprojector或者wide projector screen] can help professors toconvey their thoughts and show information through ppt and videos. What's more,the facilities of labs can largely depend the qualityof researches [我有点没明白这句话的意思，是谁依赖谁？感觉根据后面的一句话应该是quality ofresearches依赖facility?或者是facilities ensure thequality of ..].Professors have larger possibilities of leading their students to conductpractical experiments and have outstanding findings in an advanced lab withabundant apparatus.

Lastbut not least, improving facilities enables [enable]universities to enjoy better reputation. Facilities can bean important factor for high school students to consider on choosing dreamuniversities. Universities with upgraded facilities will attract more talentedapplicants. Thus, with more talented [刚用过talented，换为gifted] students entering it [them], universitiescan enjoy higher reputation. [这一段是四个简单句，也没有逻辑连词衔接，使得略显bland。感觉要是把其中一中加点内容，变换句型；或者用些furthermore表示论证的层次会更好点。比如每段都是分论点，分论点内部又是总分总的结构，最后就可以像第一个论点里那样，加一个结论词]

Tosum up, updating facilities can benefit thestudents, the professors and the universities themselves. As it [those apparatus] can satisfy these threeimportant parts of a university, improving facilities will bring a brighterfuture for universities [最后可以再扣一下论点： the universitiesand the members in them as well].

总结文章：
论点很清楚，也扣题，可以很好的论证more facilities更重要。
例子很切题和很准。
总的感觉就是很容易让人capture your ideas，不晦涩，很好。我的感觉就是句式有点单调，长短句的结合/特殊句型的运用。但是据说TOEFL的作文不老要求的~我也就是表达一下个人想法~

daisyの小夢想

4.12 TPO8 综合

Both the reading passage and the lecture examine the accuracy of the memoir of The Chevalier. The reading claims that the accuracy of the memoir is skeptical while the professor in the lecture suggests that the memoir is reliable.

To begin with, the reading shows that the Chevalier was not as rich as he claims in the memoir, because he needed to borrow money from a Swiss merchant. But the professor refutes that the fact that the Chevalier often borrowed money doesn't necessarily mean that he was much poorer than he claimed. The truth is that the Chevalier needed to wait for a time for the money he earned to turn real, so when he needed money as soon as possible, he had to borrow money.

In addition, the reading assumes that the conversation records between the Chevalier and Voltaire may not be accurate, since they were written many years later. However, the professor suggests that the Chevalier took notes of the conversations every night after they occurred, and he referred to such notes regularly when writing memoirs.

Last but not least, the reading doubts that the Chevalier had escaped from a poisonous prison in Venice. On the contrary, the professor proves the accuracy of the escape by the evidence that the officer in the prison needed to repair the ceiling of the room of the Chevalier after he had escaped.

daisyの小夢想

看了一篇“写作的圣经”：
怎样可以写好作文？第一步是模仿！
Zinsser写道, “Never hesitate to imitate another writer. Imitation is part of the creative process for anyone learning an art or a craft. Bach and Picasso didn’t spring full-blown as Bach and Picasso; they needed models. This is especially true and writing. Find the best writers in the fields that interest and read their work aloud. Get their voice and their taste into your ear—their attitude toward language. Don’t worry that imitating them you’ll lose your own voice and your own identity. Soon enough you will shed those skins and become who you are supposed to become.”

Herisson0509

听力好就是不一样啊 简直无懈可击
4.12 TPO8 综合

Both the reading passage and the lecture examine the accuracy of the memoir of The Chevalier. The reading claims that the accuracy of the memoir is skeptical while the professor in the lecture suggests that the memoir is reliable. 读的心里都舒服好棒好棒再看看我的撞墙去吧

To begin with, the reading shows that the Chevalier was not as rich as he claims in the memoir, because he needed to borrow money from a Swiss merchant. But the professor refutes that the fact that the Chevalier often borrowed money doesn't necessarily mean that he was much poorer than he claimed. The truth is that the Chevalier needed to wait for a time for the money he earned to turn real, so when he needed money as soon as possible, he had to borrow money.

In addition, the reading assumes that the conversation records between the Chevalier and Voltaire may not be accurate, since they were written many years later. However, the professor suggests that the Chevalier took notes of the conversations every night after they occurred, and he referred to such notes regularly when writing memoirs.

Last but not least, the reading doubts that the Chevalier had escaped from a poisonous prison in Venice. On the contrary, the professor proves the accuracy of the escape by the evidence that the officer in the prison needed to repair the ceiling of the room of the Chevalier after he had escaped. 这一段细节有点少了你肯定是全部听到了但是想简洁表达吧不过这样字数就有点少了

以后要经常来MY你的作文  

daisyの小夢想

4.14


TPO10

Both the reading and the lecture focus on the cause of the decline of otter population. In the lecture, the professor is skeptical about the reading’s assertion that environmental pollution is the main reason for otters' decline. The professor then gives reasons to prove that otters decreased mainly for predators' attack.

To begin with, the reading suggests that increased amount of known sources of water pollution caused otters' deaths. But the lecturer argues that the otters couldn’t have been killed by the pollutants, because no dead otters were found along the coast, which weakens the assertion of the reading passage. And she explains that we could not find the dead bodies of otters simply for the predators have eaten them up.

In addition, the reading passage points out other sea mammals were also decreasing in number, which supports that they were affected by chemical pollution as the otters were.  However, the lecturer refutes the reading’s opinion by saying that the otters' decline caused their human predators to catch smaller sea mammals as food, which casts doubt on the standpoint of the reading.

Last but not least, the reading passage claims that the uneven percentage of pollutants along the coast accounts for the unstable pattern of otter population in different areas. On the contrary, the lecturer explains that the numbers of orcas, the predator, varied in different areas. Thus, in areas that orcas could have access to, the decline of otters were more serious.

In general, the professor discusses the weakness of the reading passage view in an opposing angle.

miss绿光

Both the reading and the lecture focus on the cause of the decline of otter population. In the lecture, the professor is skeptical about the reading’s assertion that environmental pollution is the main reason for otters' decline. The professor then gives reasons to prove that otters decreased mainly for predators' attack.[学习daisy的开头，我的好刻板！]

To begin with, the reading suggests that increased amount of known sources of water pollution caused otters' deaths. But the lecturer argues that the otters couldn’t have been killed by the pollutants, because no dead otters were found along the coast, which weakens the assertion of the reading passage. And she explains that we could not find the dead bodies of otters simply for the predators have eaten them up.[我没听出这点，OMG!]

In addition, the reading passage points out other sea mammals were also decreasing in number, which supports that they were affected by chemical pollution as the otters were.  However, the lecturer refutes the reading’s opinion by saying that the otters' decline caused their human predators to catch smaller sea mammals as food, which casts doubt on the standpoint of the reading.[这块可以再展开点细节，比如whale撤走了，就只能吃小的了，sea XXX全遭殃了，感觉有点少]

Last but not least, the reading passage claims that the uneven percentage of pollutants along the coast accounts for the unstable pattern of otter population in different areas. On the contrary, the lecturer explains that the numbers of orcas [牛！这个我完全听不出来哇~~~], the predator, varied in different areas. Thus, in areas that orcas could have access to, the decline of otters were more serious.

In general, the professor discusses the weakness of the reading passage view in an opposing angle.

我觉得daisy写的没有什么错，我没有异议+崇拜一下~~真的超好！听力满分的人就是不一样…别怪我改不出什么啊…真的是能力有限了…

daisyの小夢想

4.15 综合 TPO11

Both the reading passage and the lecture focus on the issue of the declining public interest on literature. The reading suggests that this problem will have detrimental impacts on many aspects. However, the professor rebuts the reading's assertion and states that the declining public interest on literature will have no effects.

To begin with, the reading asserts that the public will not be able to enjoy the cultural benefits if they read less literature. On the contrary, the professor rebuts by providing the fact that the public can enjoy the cultural influence that reading brings in other ways. For instance, many science journals and political reviews are of high quality. Undoubtedly, such materials can take the place of novels to cultivate creativity and stimulate intellect.

In addition, the reading argues that the level of culture in our society will decline for the phenomenon that people spend most of their spare time for entertainment rather than for literature. But the professor claims that the fact that people change to have more entertainment does not mean that they are less educated. The professor then puts forward that some entertaining forms, such as brilliant songs and movies, can also cultivate and teach us.

Last but not least, the reading worries that the decline in literature reading will strike its future, because the low standard and poor taste of the public will contribute to less investment by publishers on literature. However, the professor refutes the reading's statement by saying that the authors should be responsible for the decline, since they currently make literatures much more difficult to understand than before. The readers have reason to choose books that express themselves more clearly.

daisyの小夢想

4.15 独立

The most important characteristic for politics is to accept responsibility for mistake.

The activities of politics, which are one of the indispensible public issues, influence the heart beats of many fields in our society. Some people strongly opined that to accept responsibility for mistake is undoubtedly the most significant characteristic for politics. As far as I'm concerned, it's hard for me to have a definite attitude towards the most imporatnat characteristic for politics, since politics is a broad concept and has many other essential responsibilities.

To begin with, it's undisputed that politics should attach high importance to take up the responsibility for mistake. There are a lot of problems that distract the right track of society every day. If politics do not accept their responsibilities of such problems, no one except for the victims involved in these issues will be concerned about them and solve all the problems. Politics should try its best to act as the protective layer for the safety and development of a society. Thus, when problems and mistakes of the society aroused, politics should take actions.  For instance, in many fields, such as public infrastrures, social welfare, traffic operation and emergency, the governments should extablish an outstanding plan to defend itself from making detrimental public image.

However, politics should not just remedy the mistakes, but more importantly,  need to prevent problems from happening and protect the society.
Politics should not watch with folded arms on some issues when problems have already existed and wait until mistakes become difficult to bear and control.  The reason why so many citizens hold a negative attitude towards politics is that they just remedy mistakes but never try any precautions against problems. The 2008 Sichuan Earthquake in China is a heartbreaking lesson. If the Sichuan government was aware of the problems houses that had been constructed in low quality might bring, it could have conducted higher standards for houses which can make them more resistant to disasters, and consequently many victims who sufferred from the weakness of houses could have been alive. Thus, we should take note that the primary task for the polics is not taking up responsibility for mistake, but preventing social problems from happening.

To sum up, when social problems come to exitence, politics have responsibility to accept them and solve them. But politics should also take actions to lower govermental and public mistakes that may do harm to citizens.