【写作小分队】daiC for 7.22

jiaosisisisi

今天满天专业课啊~~~  

蝴蝶渡海

2.29 独立  打错了很多单词囧~
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important problems in today’s world will be solved in our lifetime.
这是我第二次改作文，由于我的语法什么的淡忘了很多，而且我的作文确实不太行，以下改正仅供参考，希望看到后觉得我改的有问题的地方跟我说一下，也帮我进步下。至于觉得我在胡说八道的地方直接略过即可。PS：咱俩作文的思路有些分歧，故在作文思路或者更好的论点上恕我不能给予更多帮助


What will future world look like? Will all the significant problems existing today be successful solved in our lifetime? Many people have heated discussions about these quesions(questions) and have different opinions. Some hold an active attitude, claiming that all the problems can be solved in the near future. Others worry that the problems may not be so easy to be solved, but even may deteriotate(deteriorate）(此句读起来感觉甚是奇怪啊，我不知道but后面究竟要表达什么，是要表达even more worse的意思么？). From my prospective（我觉得此处的介宾结构有些牵强了也蛮奇怪的，提供另个说法From my point of view）, I agree with the latter opinion.

On one hand, many factors that have impacts on the present problems are not in the control of us human beings. The nature, for example, is the most irreversible and complicate（应该是complicated） facotor(factor). Take the problem of earthquake as an example（这个用的不错我学习下，免得老是For example或者For instance的）, as we all know, the rate of the occurrance(occurrence) of earthquake becomes higher and higher this year. The Earthquake in Sichuan, China, the earthquake in Christchruch, New Zealand, and the Earthquake in Japan damaged our world one after one. （我觉得你这句子有语法错误，and之前并不是一个完整的句子架构，缺少动词，如果要表达的是列举则因该去掉and之前的逗号吧?）These disaters(disasters) has already alarmed us human beings as the signals of the revenge of nature, because we human beings do not protect the nature and even destory it relentlessly. Can we stop the arrival of Earthquake? No. Even if we can create the technology to predict earthquake, we would still have no place to escape when disasters occur at the same time everywhere. To solve the problems that are connected to the nature, we human beings first need to reflet(reflect) on what should be the best realtionship(relationship) between human beings and nature and what we can do to compensate for and protect nature. (好长的句子啊，我就跟做Gmat的语法题似地，而且我个人觉得这句子过于繁琐了，可以查拆成两个句子，用Secondly加以连接啊，否则会让人觉得只有first而无下文了)I think such questions may take sereval(several) generations to answer.

On the other hand, many problems are related to the interests of different people, and they may not be relutant(reluctant) to offer their help or sacrifice their benefits to solve the problems. However, in many circumstances, we can solve the problems completely only if all the people unite together to deal with them. But in many times, it will damage the interest of some people （个人感觉换成groups）to do so, so not all people are willing to sacrifice their interests for our better world. For instance, wealth disparity is a serious problem nowadays. Are all the rich willing to donate some materials to the poor? Is it possible for the merchants and retailer lower the prices they charge for the products? Most of such people who have already got the interests would not be warm-hearted enough to give their hands in solving the wealth disparity problem. As a saying goes, egotism is the nature of man. Hence, even if the problems occurring nowadays are possible to be solved when all the people corporate, not all of them would prefer to do so.
（看到这后我觉得用on one hand 或者on the other hand作为引出两个观点的连词并不合适，因此问题不仅只有两个方面）


To sum up, although（我觉得去掉although更好） the present problems are difficult to solve because they are so sophisticated, we human beings should still have confidence and dedicate ourselves to ameliorate the problems and make our world better.（极亮啊。这句话我喜欢，又学习了）-- by 会员 daisyの小夢想 (2012/2/29 22:31:15)

jiaosisisisi

229 综合 写作 TPO 14

D女神给我改么。。。。。。我是拖延了。。。。轻拍。


The professor casts doubt on the reading material's statement that
salvage logging will do good to the forest areas after a fire .She
deems that people can not expect too much form the salvage logging, because
it is totally exaggerated exaggeraterred

Firstly, the author claims that  salvage logging can remove the remains
of the dead trees after the disater,therefore it can make space for
new trees.But the lecturer holds an opposing view that there is no need
to clean up the dead trees ,because the damaged trees can provide
a rich nutrition for the new trees and will nourish the grass and plants
for generations.

Secondly,the reading passage argues that removing rotting wood can take
away the insects ,which are bad for spruce trees ,However the lecturer
also challenges the second point in the reading regarding that it's
not necessary to take away the insects because some insects are good
for the new trees and in long term dead wood can enrich the soil
.

The final point on whhich that author and lecturer disagree with each other
is that salvage logging has econmoic benefits.The author views that
some damaged trees can still be used by industries and salvage logging might offer
extra jobs for local residents. But the lecturer completely contradicts
this claims by stating that collecting the damaged trees cost heavily,
asserting that many trees are even located in places that are hard to reach.Additionally,salvage logging can only provide jobs that are temperatory.
what's more ,the jobs usually need so much training that outside workers
will be preferable rather than local residents.

jiaosisisisi

I HATE YOU  
抽空给我改下了 ，
你改完之后，
我会一直膜拜，各种虚心地接受批评的！！哈哈

daisyの小夢想

TPO18

The reading discusses three ways to save the Torreya, an endangered tree in Florida. The professor’s lecture deals with the same issue. However, she points out that none of the solutions mentioned in the reading can have a desirable effect.

Firstly, the reading suggests that Torreya can be replanted in the same location in which it has grown for a long time. The professor argues in the lecture that the original location is no longer suitable to the development of Torreya. This is because the location has been vastly affected by human settlements. Also, the temperature there has increased greatly, and the wet land which offers abundant water has been damaged.

Secondly, the reading says that Torreya can be moved to a new place to grow because of the success in planting its seeds in further north areas. However, the professor raises a worry that the planting of Torreya may damage the natural plants in the new environment. And she has offered the Black Locus Trees as a example. After moving to a new area, the Black Locus Trees grew so rapidly that they killed many local trees that are also endangered.

Thirdly, the reading claims that Torreya can be protected and grown in research center, and it can develop better under the protection of scientists. But the professor refutes that Torreya needs to grow in large population to improve gene diversity, which enables it to defend diseases. Research centers, however, do not have capacities to plant Torreya in large amounts.

In conclusion, the professor provides evidence to show the invalidity of the suggestions offered by the reading.

tenby

这篇作文写的真好。。。。改的也好，画龙点睛。

daisyの小夢想

4.4
It’s more important for the government to build new housing than preserve old historic building.

With the fast development of economy and technology, more and more companies and people move to cities, causing the problem of large population in cities. In such situation, the government needs to decide whether it is more valuable to build brand new housing than to preserve historical building. In my opinion, the government ought to build more modern and practical buildings than to preserve old building.

To begin with, new housing can be more practical and useful than old building. As we all know, most of the old buildings just have no more than three floors, so the old buildings can use up a lot of space. Since cities are very crowded and the lands are not ample, the old buildings, which use up so many land areas, are not practical. Instead, if the land areas of the old buildings can be used to build modern buildings with much more floors, the citizens can make the best use of the lands and have more space for their workplace and house. Many new building can be build into skyscraper. For instance, the IFC in Guangzhou have 103 floors to meet the space need of offices, hotels, restaurants and so on.

Moreover, the impression of modern city that new buildings bring can attract more business and visitors. New buildings make the city look more fascinating, and as a result help to ameliorate the image of the city. Take Shenzhen as an example, Shenzhen was a seaside village and its economy fell behind most of the cities in China in the 90s of last century. However, the government developed Shenzhen into a modern city and attracted a large amount of investment from foreign companies after much more modern buildings have been constructed. Consequently, Shenzhen becomes metropolis and enjoys prosperous economy. From Shenzhen's typical development, we can learn that new buildings can have magic influence on a city's reputation and economy.

To sum up, new buildings have more practical use and more fascinating image. Thus, it's much easier for new buildings to satisfy the needs of modern citizens and cities' development.

婷婷connie

daisy,ssorry啊，前两天忙挑战杯了，今天才给你改~
4.4独立改文
It’s more important for the government to build new housing than preserve old historic building.

With the fast development of economy and technology（这一句话背景太大了，通常可以不用写这句）, more and more（a skyrocketing number of用这个替换） companies and people move to（into强调进入的这个状态）cities（metropolises）, causing the problem of large population in cities（severe pollutions）. In such situation, the government needs to decide(这么改呢？This situation makes the government decide) whether it is more valuable to build brand new housing than to preserve historical building. In my opinion, the government ought to build more modern and practical buildings than to preserve old building.

To begin with, new housing can be more practical and useful than old building. As we all know, most of the old buildings just have no more than three floors, so the old buildings can use up(take up是使用，改用take up占用比较好)a lot of space. Since cities are very crowded and the lands are not ample, the old buildings, which use up so many land areas, are not practical.(这句话有点多余了) Instead, if the land areas of the old buildings can be used to build modern buildings（换成structures,要不然就和build重复了）with much more floors, the citizens can make the best use of the lands and have more space for their workplace and house. Many new buildingcan be build into skyscraper. For instance, the IFC in Guangzhou have 103 floors to meet the space need of offices, hotels, restaurants and so on.

Moreover, the impression of modern city that new buildings bring（换成hold,这个我不太确定） can attract more business and visitors. New buildings make the city look more fascinating, and as a result help toameliorate the image of the city. Take Shenzhen as an example, Shenzhen was a seaside village and its economy fell（fall用过去式） behind most of the cities in China in the 90s of last century. However, the government developed Shenzhen into a modern city and attracted a large amount of investment from foreign companies after much more modern buildings have been constructed. Consequently, Shenzhen becomes metropolis and enjoys prosperous economy. From Shenzhen's typical development, we can learn that new buildings can have magic influence on a city's reputation and economy.
这个角度很好，例子也很不错！


To sum up, new buildings have more practical use and more fascinating image. Thus, it's much easier for new buildings to satisfy the needs of modern citizens and cities' development.



Conclusion:

1.要是有三个主段就好了，我们老师说最好第三个主段采用让步手法写。比如这一篇可以说，其实老建筑（长城，故宫）是国家的象征，但是也有更多的新建筑替代了他们的地位（鸟巢，水立方），并且它们还有更多的实用，像是开演唱会或者举行运动比赛。

呵呵，拙见了~

2.看出词汇量不错

3.语句还是要精简一些

daisyの小夢想

4.8
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more enjoyable to have a job, and you work only three days a week with long hours rather than work five days a week with shorter hours.

42min(超时)

Nowadays, people tend to levish(levish) a balance between work and relax, which enbales them to pursue pleasure of life. When it comes to which time schedule fits such a balance, some people choose to work merely three days with extanded(extended) hours each day. Others opine that it's more cozy(cozier) to work five days a week with shorter hours. As far as I'm concerned, I enjoy the second work schedule better.

For one thing, working for long hours in one day has considerable drawbacks. On one hand, it's likely that we will feel too exhausted if we work over time. Undoutedly, working over time has detrimental impact on our health. For instance, if we don't have enough sleep because of long hours for work, we may feel dizzy or difficult to concerntrate(concentrate) on work next morning. After a long period of such tiring work schedule, some chronical diseases may occur on us. On the other hand, we may not have time to accompany our family during the three days of work. Originally diciring(desiring) for more days being with our family and friends, we may instead find out that we see our family members and friends less often. This is because when we are in leisure time during the two days in weekdays, our families and friends need to go to work or study. Additionally, since we need to work for more hours in the three days, we may not have time to have dinners with our family and friends.

For another thing, working for five days a week helps me to maintain a good relationship with my colleagues and clients. If I meet five days a week, it's easier for me to cooperate with my workmates and share interesting stories or news with them. Take me as an example, I like to share everyday news with my colleagues, since sharing news is mutual interest for us. If I work just for three days, I will have less opportunity to share fresh news with them. Moreover, working in a schedule similar to my clients brings me higher chances of making achievements in business. As most of my clients work five days a week, I need to contact and negociate(negotiate) with them every day during weekdays. Thus, it would be beneficial for me to adapt my work schedule to the overal (overall) business schedule.

In conclusion, the five-day working model is not taking up our time with those who we care for, but rather providing those people and us more mutual free time to have fun together. Also, we can enjoy better chances of success if we work five days a week as our clients and colleagues.

gre呀gre

hey 亲！ 我是要和你互改4.8综合作文的哟~ 你有时间重写吗？我们互改哈！~