MIS专业申请PS求修改意见！！

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最近刚完成PS初稿，感觉也不是很好，但是修改起来还是不知道怎么改，求意见：D
背景，一个专业相关实习，一个无关水实习，一个创业公司的经历。

附上我的PS，求指导（是以CMU为例）：
Required Essay*: Please upload an essay of approximately 1,000 words describing your academic and professional background, your career goals, and how the program will help you achieve your goals.

Dear Admission Committee,

I am writing to you as an application for the master’s program in Information System Management at Carnegie Mellon University. My name is Tingxiang Zhu, currently a senior year student at Donghua University in Shanghai. I chose information system management as my undergraduate major as I think it is a more efficient method to help enterprises improve operation and filter useful data for further analysis. I took courses in management, finance, accounting and computer science in undergraduate program to lay basis for further study and my career in information system management. In addition, I took opportunities in extracurricular activities on campus and internships to gain practical experiences.

In my sophomore year, I joined the founding team of a three-month old website called “ 10 Year. Me” which is a social media website based on timeline. Most of the team members were college graduates that did not have any previous work experience. Our team leader, on the other hand, has profound experience in investment banking and visited Silicon Valley several times in the past. Sometimes we talked about future plans in the rest time, and when I talked about my dream to change the way information is presented to people, he encouraged me to go to United States where I could receive more advanced knowledge in technology and improve my skills as well.  Working with the founding team is a valuable experience, I am responsible for helping COO with daily operation. In detail, I am in charge of  “on-campus partner” campaign. I work with four colleagues respectively overseeing four major districts across China.  Start with only 5 “partners”, we currently have 52 volunteers in different universities over the country and successfully held promotional campaign in universities in Wuhan, Beijing and Shanghai in 6-month’s time. Behind the exciting success lied the days and nights that COO and I spent on case study of the promotion campaign of other websites. In addition, we talked to other experienced website teams such as AICESC and got valuable suggestions. In the time of writing this letter, I am focusing on the next part of my job. As an anonymous social website, 10 Year. Me now have 150,000 registered users globally. To improve the user experience, I target my focus on the analysis of backstage database. Never had any experience in this area before, I am learning from the basics. Upon realizing my lack in those subjects, I find myself more clear about what I need from the graduate program in Information System Management.

During my internships, I had a chance to join the team on a project at HAND. With over one month’s training, I still found myself in the position of learning everything during the first two weeks of my internship. I observed and spent extra time to get familiar with different platforms and I felt it would be more helpful to take more courses in data processing. Another discovery during my internships is that I started to have some clue of putting together what I have learned. All I have learned are fragments of different areas of knowledge such as finance, accounting, computer science, the real day business exposure let me see how the analysis of data influence financing or marketing decisions and how the data could point us in the right track to improve operation. I see the graduate program where I can get more courses in computer science and further connect the pieces together.

After graduation from the master’s program, I treat the first three to five years as the cumulative period during which I would keep on learning and try to combine my academic study and skills with the real day business. My goal is to reduce the information redundancy and improve the symmetry of information. In addition, I aim to collect more experience and expand my network to get prepared for my long-term goal which is to start my own company to make a change in the world of Internet. Information system, like Internet, is a tool in essence.  In my mind, the most convenient tool is the one you don’t feel its existence but it is in everyday of your life. However, information is random and unsorted nowadays, so my goal is to create some product to effectively filter the information available to us thus benefit every individual, not only the enterprises.

Feeling the urge to improve myself before stepping into the technology industry. The Master’s program in Information System at Heinz College prepares the students as future technology mangers that could lead companies innovatively. The mixture of business and technological elements in the MISM program will keep students updated with the ongoing revolution in technology and how we can apply the advanced technology into the management of enterprises. Having no work experience, I treat the combination of summer internships and intensive academic program as the best way to prepare myself for a career in business and technology.
The practical application of technology is vital to the success of it. The chance to take courses with professors owning work experiences in top companies and sharpest mindset excites me. As the best university in computer science, Carnegie Mellon provides best training in technology and broad network opportunities with talented people specializing in different fields. It is the place where I could find people with shared value and goals.

Talking to them with working and networking opportunities with professionals and would help me further in realizing my goal of starting my own company.
As stated above, Smith is the right place for me to continue my education in Information System where I could prepare myself for my future career in technology. Just like the statue “Walking into the Sky” on the campus of CMU, I see my future as unlimited and could not wait to embrace challenges.

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求！！！

ouwen

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ouwen 发表于 2014-11-18 15:52
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求意见哈~

注册了真好

看看咯-——

沐沐ice

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carlylezhang

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kanakan ~~~~~~~~