这是我去年申请写的初稿，有给一个老外私人机构谘询过，不过他都要我自己改，有一个牛校面谈完后waitlist，  今年卷土重来，承上一帖 "俺的调查2014史上真正最全文书机构"流量"排名"，我把旧的文书发给不同文书机构做了一些测试(今年递交材料做的差不多了，也有一些好消息，今年上传的不是这篇essay，给大家看看无妨)，这是真实修改后的材料，发布在网上也不怕该公司看到，改的评价我给90分，给人家改才知道原来我essay写这么差! 去年有一个前20的interview，拿的真的有点汗颜...
我的结论是，这间文书机构我很推荐，我本来写的有点乱，规定500字还是很难掌握，不过到底写的是自己，自己最懂自己，不要以为对方润色完了你就没事了，一定要再想想在反覆思索，他们这间提供第二次免费再次修改，客户端介面也很方便，我和Jason讨论来回大概三四次，这篇花了约150刀，有用15%左右的打折券，我觉得值得! 其他比较国内行的文书机构个有优缺点，后面再发。 以下是我收到的文档 Hi ******, It was a pleasure to read your essay and to havethe opportunity to help highlight your background in this essay. You have provided excellent raw materials for an outstanding writeup, and my main taskas your editor has been to try to help reorganize your main points and makesure they come out clearly to the admissions committee.
点评很清楚，自己也觉得写的太绕，被改完后真的更强烈，”comeout clearly to the admissions committee” 就是我要的!
Naturally the most important challenge has been to distill your answer down to 500 words while not leaving out anything important.The 250+ words that I have thus trimmed have mainly been elements I found justa bit too discursive, added details that weren't absolutely critical to your story, or provided information that could easily be found in your resume or other application materials (such as GPA/TOEFL/GMAT score as well as quantitative details of your current job).
我其实是故意写长一些，看他们有没有本事把它改短又不会失去我本来风格和想法，这点他们做的很地道。这里被说”discursive”了。
In terms of organization, you'll also notice that I inserted an introductory paragraph that summarized the essential message of all the subsequent content. In addition, I tried to set up the first sentence of each paragraph as an effective topic sentence that gives a clue to what therest of the paragraph will say. In this way, a busy admissions officer will be able to quickly scan your essay and get a good idea of your background and motivation for applying to ****.
这很牛，每段前面给我一个介绍，这我自己写不出来。
Thanks again, *****, and good luck! Jason Senior Editor for TopAdmit
下面是我文章，献丑了 Given your individualbackground, why are you pursuing a ***** MBA at this time? OEM manufacturers have many years manufacture mobile devices and tablets and their day in the sunshine already is starts to end. I know this as an analyst and salesperson. Besides, my successful entrepreneur will be copied soon. I want to go oversea and touch new markets outside of white box handset. As COO of our startup I have recently helped conclude seed round funding from an international VC firm, for RMB 5,000,000.But this is not enough. I must break out of this field and duplicate my success. ****'s MBA will be my path to glory!
I do not follow the road of the academic at *** University but instead majored in business and earned a GPA of 3.2. My first job after graduation is as a sales *** at *** Mobile which is China's biggest market share in mobile service. Basing myself in Shanghai, I joined the handset sales division where I frequently teamed with representatives of device manufacturing partners like***** to sell smartphones in four provinces and Shanghai City. With a curiousity nature I can't stop asking at sales meetings where did the forecasts come from? How could our managers know the trends? How was it possible to deliver such a complicated device--truly a computer in your pocket--so quickly after a customers' order? It was like predicting the future, and my childish inquiries led me to learn more. From younger days my father always pushed me to follow my dreams and not only follow in his footsteps. He is actually a well respected professor at *** University, but the twists and turns of life makes him to take a philosophy view and even encourage his child to "break the mold" and seek his own path. With life's ups and downs I remembered the independent spirit my father encourage in me and soon realized that a salesman's job was interesting but I also like to understand what happened behind the scenes. My own colleagues of *** Mobile gave me few answers, and I spent more and more time asking questions of people who joined our meetings us from *****. My ***** friends invited me to meet their head of marketing analysis in Beijing. The rest is history. I asked so many questions of the marketing analysis head, and he toured me through the department and explained the process of modelling and forecasting and how they collect different data from the market. He showed me beer game and the bullwhip. I was endlessly fascinated--I wanted a job here. And he gave it to me! A new world opened and Iimproved statistical tools and spreadsheets and start creation in my own models.
Moving from south to north is very challenging. For three years, I also worked with samelike people who exposed themselves to me in passion for business and to bring new solutions to the world. Using our tools Iled some colleagues in creation a new e-commerce platform to improve logistical sourcing for white box handset manufacturers. This hobby became real and lifelike. Even as just virtual "matchmakers" between white box makersand manufacturers (our own alibaba), we had our hands full and I faced a critical decision. Should I take this seriously and create a new business? My friends in the department were excited by the idea and looked to me for leadership due to my sales-cultivated communication and foreign language skills. Finally I said yes! Let's do it! That was three years ago, and even then I didn't know how successful our idea would be. My only worry was, what would my boss say? I don'twant to destroy bridges or create bad feelings.
But to my surprise, our department head was encouraging and even introduced us to Mr. Liu, an "angel investor" to help us get our idea off the ground. Those early days were tough, with a much smaller office. If something broke, you had to fix it yourself! But our platform expanded exponentially, from just two white box sellers to nearly 100,and manufacturers expanding to a dozen to over 50. So why am I looking for a master's in business now? Why not ride on this success today? Because as an analyst and entrepreneur, I need to branch out into other areas, and make my success repeat in other fields. But how? The undergraduate business education Ireceived at *** University was good for this China market.What parts of my small business model can be useful on a globe stage, and whatnew things have to be learnt? I am confident that an MBA from **** will show me the way!
下面是
Revised Essay
As COO of a firm I helped co-found, I feel I have already achieved some success as an entrepreneur but am in need of honing myskill set and achieving a broader understanding of global markets. Having already played the roles of salesman, analyst and company co-founder within China, I now believe that earning my MBA at **** will pave the way to worldwide success.
这段改的很令人兴奋感动，我本来是想要强调一些背景，这Jason果然很美式的把我最需要回答why now先做个总结!
My father has been one of my strongest influencers; as a respected professor at *** University, his encouragement not only aided my academic success but also inspired me to seek out my own path in myearly career. I thus broke the family's scholarly tradition by majoring inbusiness, and after graduation I immediately joined the handset sales division of **** Mobile. Here, I developed my sales skills and enjoyed opportunities for teamwork with our hardware manufacturing partners at *****. Their regional sales forecasts particularly intrigued me, and so my ****** colleagues introduced me to their head of marketing research who soon offered me a job on his own team in Beijing.
My inquisitive nature and a predilection for boldness thus prompted me to jump into the role of marketing analyst at one of the country's top firms. After introduction to marketing and logistical concepts like "the beer game" and "the bullwhip effect," I soon developed practical skills needed to predicting market trends including spreadsheet modeling and statistical programming. More importantly, I also gained exposure to a team of like-minded individuals who were also determined to use these techniques to predict and influence the marketplace.
我第二段真的花很多时间写，被他拆成两块，组织内容上更强，原来看essay因为分段可以轻松许多。这编辑显然对MBA还有一些运营蛮了解的，专业上很高。文字是很sharp，很商业的用法，内容上比我去年找一个私人美国顾问改的更棒! 不过今年我提交的这段是改掉了，用这样世界等级的文书机构，我觉得自己还是得加油添醋一番，和他们线上做些互动，在把自己的思维refine。
Even as I acquired these analytical tools, I again found inspiration to branch out into a new entrepreneurial role as well. At first only in our spare time, I led some colleagues in creation of a newe-commerce platform designed to improve logistical sourcing between component suppliers and white box handset manufacturers. We soon had our hands full and I faced the decision of whether to turn a sideline business into a full-fledged venture. With encouragement from my colleagues, I decided to take the plunge. I am happy to say that I have achieved a measure of success in my new venture. To my surprise, even my manager was supportive and helped introduce a prominent angel investor in Beijing to get our venture off the ground. Our platform has expanded exponentially with a many-fold increase in both sellers and component suppliers. Most recently, I have helped conclude RMB 5,000,000 in another seed round funding from an international VC firm.
上两段我本来写的太intertwine，帮我很清楚的分析analytical skill等等还有段段都在强调why why why 当然I am happy to say...我个人觉得有点拖，不过Jason的点评是这是一个narrative，太严肃不口语也不够好
At this point, however, I recognize the need for further self-improvement even as I make plans to forge ahead on this path. Despite our initial success, our firm lies in an increasingly competitive landscape in an industry that is poised to consolidate. As we shore up our market position, I am also making plans to launch overseas ventures in new markets beyond white box handsets. I thus keenly appreciate the education and practical business exposure I will gain in ****'s MBA program.
这边后来我有交代一些私人公司的情况，再请Jason修改过，就保留一些不给大家参考了。
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发表于 2014-10-25 21:33:07
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