Linda 的写作20148月作文季 求互改

MrWaiting

9.4独立写作改

mygirlzini

should all teachers be required to take couses every five years to update their knowledge?

    Knowledge today is changing at a surprising in many fields.As the Internet develops,it is possible to attain knowledge in wide sources.The founder of Panasonic once said “The one thing should continuing for life is keeping learning”,which indicated that keeping learning has become not an optional but a compulsory curriculum to most profession in modern society instead of students of primary schools,high school or universities. Under the circumstance,in most school,teachers are required to take courses related to the subject they teach and helping them refining pedagogic strategies.However,as reasonable and necessary as it seems,there are many impediments standing in the way when putting it into practice.

    First and foremost,the tuition of required curriculum may not be affordable to some teachers,especially those in remote areas where suffers from poverty.To convince the parents sending their children to school and struggling to maintain the existence of it are the priorities of their work.Most of them seldom received wages on time,and sometimes it has been used to pay for the schooling and cost of live for the pupil whose parents couldn’t afford the fee.In this case,being required attending compulsory courses at their own expense is not realistic.Apart from economic factor,the time cost also makes it impossible for this plan to apply to every level of teacher. Take teachers of my high school as an example. Even they worked 11 hours per day,6 days a week,there are still classes haven’t been prepare and homework haven’t been corrected.This case is not rare,most teacher of high schools in China nearly stay in the same situation.Thus sparing time to take curriculum is not practical for them either.

   However,as advance as high technologies develops,the methods of upgrading knowledge are not restricted to face to face classes in reality,but are also feasible in distant interaction such as discussing in forum on the Internet,receiving courses via E-mails or on websites,participating video academic communication.Which could help teachers up to date without taking up too much precious time.For instance,MOOC,a platform provides courses of Ivy universities has grown high popularity among a wide range in recent 5 years.Unlike going to class in a fixed time, which(it?) gives viewers more flexibility as it allows them to take the courses according to their personal timetable.Therefore,studying online is probably more practical to teacher under sever time pressure.

   Furthermore,knowledge upgrading rate differs a lot in literature,medicine,history,science and computer.It is possible that IT industry will have been transformed haven and earth in 5 years whereas development in history is slow.Therefore,it is not exactly percise to set the same timetable for different groups of teacher.

   In general,although keeping pace with the development is necessary for teachers,authorities should take into consideration the differences between subjects and situations teachers in so that the benefits of this plan can be maximised.

mygirlzini

20140905CD写作小分队10 独立 13.21PM 互改 559 4Hours
Modern society has become more complex,so it is essential for the young people to have the ability to plan&organize.

    Have you ever gone to a meeting finding headed to a wrong location because of the confusing notification?Have you ever felt stress out by the pills of bill needed to pay?Have you ever experienced close friends passed away unexpectedly because the unawareness of fatal disease?
   
   If you have,then you would strongly stand by my point that the ability to plan and organize is essential for young people nowadays.
   
    With the development of society,cooperation on different levels and industries has become a tendency.Which normally involves people with diverse   comprehension to same subject in a same team.The leader’s ability to organize would be a key factor to the quality of work.For instance,a meeting notification should be specific in time,location,subject,what reference material should be brought and contingency. Confusing context should be highlighted and further explained.Members should be aware of the ways they will be noted in.That it is through Email,phone call SMS or above all. Missed any part of it could lead to misinterpreted the of the message and the consequences can be bed---- key members doesn’t show up or wrong copies have been brought as it have similar cover or name with the right one.Which could cause waste of time as well as energy at the best,losing a wonderful business opportunity and put all the effort in vain at worst.Therefore,ability to organize is conducting how things goes at some extent.

   In addition,fast pace of life,heavily workload,and stifle competition have impose great pressure on modern people.A study conducting by CHFB indicated the number of citizen eating outside has increased 30% to 14689 billion,compared to 10342 billion last year.Rather than food in fresh and raw material,fast food such as fried chicken,chips,coca cola and processed food like sausage,cans,instant noodles have become top choices to those in the hurry.The high calorie  and salt which contain will lead to high blood pressure and heart diseases.Statics announced by CNHC in 13th Sep. 2014 shows there are 300 billion people in cities suffers from cardiovascular disease. 25% more than 10 years ago.Nevertheless,health situation can be reversed,even for those bad ones.By setting an appropriate plan involving healthy diet,time of physical exsercise and divided workload into small steps easy to be be done.It is possible to live a healthy and relatively easy life.For example,one of my neiboor is a product manager in a famous headphone company,yet he manged to maintain jogging and eating homemade food by running at 5 early in the morning and bringing lunch to office.A growing number of people in cities are adopting this timetable to stay healthy.
   
    Moreover,rising house price,scary medicine fees and expensive education make financial layout planned ahead distinctively necessary.By that I mean,one can using finance tools like stocks,participating insurance to attain rapid financial growth legally.Otherwise,ordinary salary may never be able to gain a comfortable life.As it said in <<poor dad,rich dad>>,a book rank top 10 NewYork Times best-seller list for 3 years.”To live a happy life,one should make money work for you,not the other way around”

   It is true that people may get too caught up in careful plan sometimes find themselves unable to make decisions.I think in general,the benefits of planning appropriately and organizing percisely will give young people an edge in obtaining a happy life.

loverony713

mygirlzini 发表于 2014-9-6 18:04
20140905CD写作小分队10 独立 13.21PM 互改 559 4Hours
Modern society has become more complex,so it is  ...

20140905CD写作小分队10 独立 13.21PM 互改 559 4Hours Modern society has become more complex,so it is essential for the young people to have the ability to plan&organize.     Have you ever gone to a meeting finding headed to a wrong location because of the confusing notification?Have you ever felt stress out by the pills of bill needed to pay?Have you ever experienced close friends passed away unexpectedly because the unawareness of fatal disease?        If you have,then you would strongly stand by my point that the ability to plan and organize is essential for young people nowadays.         With the development of society,cooperation on different levels and industries has become a tendency.Which(前面是逗号) normally involves people with diverse   comprehension to same subject in a same team.The leader’s ability to organize would be a key factor to the quality of work.For instance,a meeting notification should be specific in time,location,subject,what reference material should be brought and contingency(我查的意思是偶然事件 在这里用法不合适吧 而且 形式相同的词并列在一起比较好). Confusing context should be highlighted and further explained.Members should be aware of the ways they will be noted in.That it is through Email,phone call SMS or above all. Missed(ING) any part of it could lead to misinterpreted the of the message and the consequences can be bed---- key members doesn’t show up or wrong copies have been brought as it have similar cover or name with the right one.Which could cause waste of time as well as energy at the best,losing a wonderful business opportunity and put all the effort in vain at worst.Therefore,ability to organize is conducting(不清楚这样用对不对) how things goes at some extent. （首先你的主题句是cooperation，和plan的关系没有说清楚；其次，在展开的过程中 plan---goal这个过程过于简单 变成一个事例比较好；最重要的，语法 尤其是which\ that指代的时候 前面应该是句号 而且有几处并列的不好）    In addition,fast pace of life,heavily workload,and stifle competition have impose great pressure on modern people.【A study conducting by CHFB indicated(S) the number of citizen eating outside has increased 30% to 14689 billion,compared to 10342 billion last year.Rather than food in fresh and raw material,fast food such as fried chicken,chips,coca cola and processed food like sausage,cans,instant noodles have become top choices to those in the hurry.The high calorie  and salt which contain will lead to high blood pressure and heart diseases.Statics announced by CNHC in 13th Sep. 2014 shows there are 300 billion people in cities suffers from cardiovascular disease. 25% more than 10 years ago.Nevertheless,health situation can be reversed,even for those bad ones.】（绿色内容过多，没有必要，主要侧重于plan）By setting(by doing主句在哪里？) an appropriate plan involving healthy diet,time of physical exsercise and divided workload into small steps easy to be be done.It is possible to live a healthy and relatively easy life.For example,one of my neiboor is a product manager in a famous headphone company,yet he manged to maintain jogging and eating homemade food by running at 5 early in the morning and bringing lunch to office.A growing number of people in cities are adopting this timetable to stay healthy. （首先 主题句没有明确论点；其次，内容详略不得当，应该多写plan的好处；还有语法错误，句子结构需要多加注意哦~）举得这个例子不知道说明什么.... plan---健康？ 可是plan的内容也太少了吧= =而且主题句没有体现哦~         Moreover,rising house price,scary medicine fees and expensive education make financial layout planned ahead distinctively necessary.By that I mean,one can using finance tools like stocks,participating insurance to attain rapid financial growth legally.Otherwise,ordinary salary may never be able to gain a comfortable life.(这句话太绝对了吧- -而且没啥逻辑- -)As it said(后半句在哪?) in <<poor dad,rich dad>>,a book rank top 10 NewYork Times best-seller list for 3 years.”To live a happy life,one should make money work for you,not the other way around” （依然跑题.. plan在哪...怎么plan...具体一些怎么用financial tools让人变得更有钱？）    It is true that people may get too caught up in careful plan sometimes find themselves unable to make decisions.(这句话写的有点别扭 而且too...to..没有这个用法吧....)I think in general,the benefits of planning appropriately and organizing percisely will give young people an edge in obtaining a happy life.

mygirlzini

loverony713 发表于 2014-9-6 21:53

学习学习,改得真的好认真啊,最喜欢这样的小伙伴啦

angla

mm，你9.6日的独呢？

我的也没改哦。。。

sigrid_shan

坐楼等，么么大

mygirlzini

Q:It’s much easier to attain success without help from one’s family in the past.
   Chinese society has developed rapidly since reform and opening-up has been applied in 1978.There is a heat debate over whether it is  much easier to achieve success without help from one’s family in the past or not.Some people support the point because they believe the powerful social network of one’s family will bring their inherent valuable resources such as reputation,fortune,more importantly,a expanding social network.However,I think the problem should be viewed separately of what the situation the people stays.

   To those who works for State-owned enterprise,family influence indeed would have a tremendous impact on one’s success in career.Unlike ability and skill are priorities of promoting in the past,nepotism grows popularity today in these company.Which has been strictly forbidden in the past.Take one of our manager as an example.He was just a labor works in assembly line when he was admitted in our company.After married one of our senior executive’s niece,he was promoted director a year later.Compared with him,other front line works couldn’t even be transformed to position like secretary because they don’t have bachelor degree.


   On the other hand,to employees of private company and those who have creative schema worth investing.Personal success is not so much rely on the help of family.Because to private company,competent people are their main competitiveness.Good income and promotion are guaranteed as long as you remain contributing.And private investment are encouraged to help people without capital to start their own business.There are plenty example of ordinary people attained huge success without help from family.For instance,the biggest B2B business platform in china, Taobao, was established in a 16 square meter simply house.The famous founder Mayun is just a teacher then.With the persistence and precise predict of market demand,Taobao has grown to a enterprise worth billions.There are more examples in other emerging industry like New Original in education and training industry,Tencent in IT industry,the founders of these company share a common feature---don’t have a powerful background,still they gain a great success.

  In generally,in certain kinds of field such as politic and any enterprise with state background,helps with family are necessary in the road of successful,however,in the private sector and emerging industry where employers and investors are mainly focus on competent and the potential repayment,family influence is of much less importance to success.

mygirlzini

Q:Teachers have less impact on students than they used to be.

     The rapid development of society lead to a soaring demanding of reeducation and teachers.Compare to the past,the number of teacher are bombarded,however,the impact of whom were weaken than it used to be for reasons of different aspects.

     First and foremost,the moral quality of teachers nowadays has generally descended compare to the past,to put in another words,what they said and did are not  in student’s behalf at some extent(Or should I put in some extent?what’s the difference?). For instance,the promising future and considerable profits makes most  education and training institutes putting recruiting more students and expanding scale instead of improving teaching quality priority.As salary were calculated by time of teaching,some teachers are not willing to spend time on those who came to ask for help unless they pay. However,most teachers in history have devoted their entire life to education and nurturing students.Undoubtedly they would earn more respect and tend to have profound and lasting impact on pupils .

     In addition,the academic level of teachers today has falling tremendously by and large compare to the scholar-level before.Dating back to 1930s,only top scholars were entitled to teach.Some of them even graduated from western top universities.Works of those teachers,such as the <<Sculpture history of China>>from architect Liangsicheng,<<Besieged City>>from litterateur Qianzhongshu, are still classic today.On the contrary ,most teachers in private education institutes are just college student who doesn’t qualified to teach(Or should I say who doesn’t own teacher certification?).Therefore,naturally teacher in the past are more authorized.

      What’s more,with the development of Internet and advanced technology,courses of top Ivy universities are readily accessible to everyone,experienced pioneers could be reached by just a click of a mouse.Consequently, teacher’s role as imparting knowledge are weaken to some extent.

     To sum up,influenced by commercial society, teacher today is more like a lucrative profession rather than a initiator devoting themselves to inculcating knowledge to a large extent.And the rapid developed Internet has taken place of some roles what teachers used to be.

Q:1\ I find it is hard for me to diversify the expression “teacher in the past”,could you recommend some?

  2\I was told that supporting details is one of the key factors if I am aiming high scores in task 2.But I met some troubles of doesn’t know when to address my view with details.It seems every abstract sentence could be followed by a example,and every noun could be expressed more specifically using such as ,like,for example or non-predicated verb and subordinate clause. Therefore I usually spend 3-4 hours to write 450-580 length,which now I have known is a big mistake.Are there any tips can help me with that?

sigrid_shan

0908占座明天改，太累了。