[作文互改]tao作文贴

taoava

期望各位大仙 牛人帮忙改下,小弟特别感谢,本人作文不行，写作文对我来说像挤牙膏，但快要考试,谢谢各位好人很批下,顺便问下怎么上传word版本和照片？作文字数一般写多少比较好考试时候？
ARGUMRNT32旧12
  In this argument the author concludes that Quiot employees lack adequate amounts of sleep hour than Panoply. To justify this conclusion the author points out that the job accidents at Quiot was 30% greater than at Panoply, last year the number of accidents caused by fatigue or sleep deprivation. As further support for the argument the author also cites Panoply manufacturing reduce its work shifts by one hour each ,to reduce job accidents rate and increase productivity. I find the argument unconvincing on several aspects.
   First, The author points Panoply is more than 30% accidents rate than Quiot, but it fail to convince us the total number of accident in each factories and the number of works in each manufacturing, though the author assumes that some accidents at Panoply cause by fatigue or sleep deprivation, however author over looks other cause, such as inadequate equipment or work training. To hold this, one would need to know whether Quiot had safety programs or procedures in place. If these are present at Panoply, and if Quiot lacks such programs, it is entirely too hasty to draw sweeping conclusions about the benefits of reducing shift length. Even if these condition is similar, but we still can not concludes the shorten rest hour actually resulted in the accidents.
  Secondly, the argument rests upon an unwarranted assumption that shortening each of the three work shifts by one hour is necessary and sufficient per hour for reducing accidents and improving productivity. Meanwhile, the author ignores the potential negative impact that shortening work shifts would incur on Quiot’s productivity, even assuming the Quiot’s works are fatigued or sleep deprived it is entirely possible that Quiot’s workers would use extra hour to engage in shopping or other entertainment, so accounting to this possibility the author can not conclude that additional one hour rest will reduce accident rate. Another big assumption is that sleeplessness and fatigue play a significant role in accidents at Quiot. A generalization about many on the job accidents in workplaces as whole cannot be applied to any specific case without further do. If sleeplessness or fatigue is not factors at Panoply, obviously no shortening of shirts is called for.
  Thirdly, to hold this survey, one would need to know whether overall worker productivity is attribute in part to the number of on-the job accidents. More likely, the Quiot manufacturing have more product than Panoply, the process is more complicated than Panoply, so it is entirely too hasty to draw sweeping conclusion about the benefits of reducing shift length.
  In conclusion, the author emulating Panoply’s work shift policy is unpersuasive. To convince this phenomenon, the author provide a clear evidence to support the low accident rate would increase worker productivity.  
这个结论有点总结不了，请教各位了。。。。。

taoava

各位好心人谢

enkyklios

In this argument the author concludes that Quiot employees lack adequate sleep hours than Panoply.

taoava

可以多改点吗,语言结构上怎么加强,需要背诵点什么吗