求GMAT作文修改

littlefishcat

The following appeared in a memorandum to a team developing accounting software for SmartPro Software, Inc.:
“Currently, more professional accountants use SmartPro accounting software than any other brand. However, in the market for personal accounting software for non-professionals to use in preparing their income tax returns, many of our competitors are outselling us. In surveys, our professional customers repeatedly say that they have chosen SmartPro Software because our most sophisticated software products include more advanced special features than competing brands. Therefore, the most effective way for us to increase sales of our personal accounting software for home users would clearly be to add the advanced special features that our professional software products currently offer.”

(words: 333)

According to the memorandum, the author concluded that adding the advanced special features was the most effective way for SmartPro Software, Inc. to increase sales of its personal accounting software for home users. The reasons seemed to be reasonable at the first glance, but for the further consideration, the reasoning was weak to convince the readers.

First and foremost, the author assumed that the demand of the home user and professional customers were the same. He said that professional customers preferred the sophisticated software products include more advanced special features than competing brands, then he took it as granted that home users would also prefer the special features. In virtually, the demand of the home users are usually different from the professionals, for instance, as a mechanical design student, I have a high demand on the design software, but for my friends who major in other fields, they even don’t know about the design software. It’s the same for the home user. It is have a high possibility that home users don’t know the advanced special features.

Furthermore, the author got the survey result just among the professional customers and he applied this conclusion into the home users. The survey sample is the special group and it cannot represent for all the customers. Another point should be also doubted that the author didn’t give any evidence to show that the feedback of these professional customers were true, therefore, the author was too hastily to get the conclusion.

The last but not the least, the author thought adding the advanced special features would be the most effective way to increase sales. It was not convincible. Many factors such as , cheaper cost, better design, advertisement effect etc. can incentive the sales. The author should eliminate other factors and provide solid evidence to let us believe customers can be attracted by the advanced special features only.

As mentioned above, this argument has many flaws. The author should provide more solid survey and optimize the conclusion.

enkyklios

According to the memorandum, the author concluded that adding the advanced special features was the most effective way for SmartPro Software, Inc. to increase sales of its personal accounting software for home users. The reasons seemed to be reasonable at the first glance, but for the further consideration, the reasoning was weak to convince the readers.

看了第一句觉的这里有问题，你的意思是在这个备忘录里作者……，但是你表达的是根据这个备忘录作者作出结论……
所以我觉的应该改成 the author conclude in the memorandum that ……
或者it appears to the author that ……

仅供参考

littlefishcat

enkyklios 发表于 2013-12-1 23:48
According to the memorandum, the author concluded that adding the advanced special features was the  ...

非常感谢，我自己看可能一直看不出这个问题。