北极的企鹅 从未为写作努力 求队友们狠批以勉吾志

北极的企鹅123

额，本来想吧独立写完再睡的，不过还没洗漱呢，颈椎不好，不想过于熬夜，感谢队友批改，明早奉上独立作文。

杨颐杋

整体应该没什么问题，综合我也是第一次写，不敢乱给意见，嘻嘻 ，有的用词比较高级，我也不太清楚用法适合不。

10.08 综合


The professor and reading passage diverge on the point that weather a painting about a female should be subscribed （改成被动）to the work of Rembrandt. The professor believes/thinks admits （这个词偏向许可性质）that all the information presented in the reading, inconsistent dress, inappropriate light and shadow and glued wood panels, is true, but a recent research demonstrates that the painting should be a work by made of / a work of Rembrandt.

First and foremost, the fur collar which reading passage considers as inconsistent with the white linen cap the woman in the portrait was actually not belong to the original painting. The (加定冠词） Professor argues that the fur collar has been was （时态错误，改成was) added one hundred years later by someone else who desired to exalt the value of the picture by exalting(重复使用隔的太近，但我也不知道改什么贴切） the status of the servants in the picture. Thus, in the original picture, there was no luxurious fur collar and the dress of the women is consistent.

Moreover, it is the extra collar that gives rise to the incompatible of （去掉of） light and shadow in the portrait. The professor demonstrates that after （插入after) removing the dark collar, there is light color cloth which could can (作为ability, could表示的是过去的ability） reflect light to the woman’s face, hence illuminating it. Therefore, in the original painting created by Rembrandt, the face of the women was not in shadow.

Finally, the glued wood back of the painting is also a result of later people who planed to make the painting more valuable by enlarge enlarging it. The professor analyzes that comparing with wood panels of another paint by Rembrandt the original part of this paint is actually made from the same tree. Consequently, the passage’s reasoning about glued wood panels is untenable.

杨颐杋

10.08 独立   Colleges or Universities should offer more courses to prepare students for the future before they start working.


这个独立。。。亲是飞快赶完的吧。。。。

1、词汇强，很多高级词汇，拿英英查了好些词的意思，巨羡慕词汇好的人
2、长句很多，长句我不擅长看，亲自己把握了。长句容易错，有时候就算语法没错也会出现表述不清的问题，主要是因为写地道不容易。
2、结构。。。不知道亲是不是没时间写，缺的有点多
3、sample不清晰
4、不地道的地方有点多，但我也不知道如何改，大家一起琢磨


我写个模块，亲可以参考下，就是标准的八股议论文结构形式：

第一段：General speaking + thesis statements (including three reasons)
第二段：Topic 1 （refer to the 1 reason) + sample 1
第三段：Topic 2 （refer to the 2 reason) + sample 2
第四段：Topic 3 （refer to the 3 reason) + sample 3
第五段：Conclusion ( repeat the three topics + advice or something else )

这个是最标准的，弱一点的通常就是少第四段（the third topic), 但最好是写全了三点。


University, which is the paradise for students to learn professional knowledge and prepare for future career, is no longer the premium for only a limited part of individuals （limited population) 原写法的意思感觉是“身体的一部分” in China （大写）. Nowadays, as increasingly numbers of youngsters accept university and college education （go to university) 这个算中式表达, many people believe that these youngsters will obtain higher （ have more ) opportunity to get （obtain更好）a decent job. However, as a matter of fact, it is not often the case. From my personal perspectives, it is urgent for universities and colleges to offer more courses contributing for student （to prepare future career to help students prepare for） future career. opinion表述出来后，最好带点你想继续说的几个方面，更具有逻辑性。


缺少topic At the very beginning, in China, the examination oriented education system has restricted the comprehensive abilities of most students, which, in the same time, largely hinders students preparing for their vocation. From primary school to university education 去掉education , Chinese students are forced to bear（ work on 不知道bear 这样用是否对，work on 安全）mountain-like homework to which they allocate （which spend them） more than two hours every day everyday. Even though they attend university to refine their knowledge, they are still restricted in books; their aim is to pass final tests. That is the reason why Chinese students are less adaptive when they move to real word society (虚拟世界VS现实世界用real world). Therefore, it is the time for universities and colleges attach to offer more importance to the courses such as career planning. These courses are extremely beneficial for students to quickly adapt the society and prepare themselves for future career.

这个sample是关于career planning

Furthermore, one of the essential roles played by universities and colleges is equipping （好像作用对象都是物，换 teaching） them 指代不明（想说的是students吧）with the skills for future job. Most, if not all, universities allocate majority of their resource on the knowledge education and ignore ？后面是不是应该还有话. I  received（ took ）only two career related courses in university. When I graduated, I got A in most disciplines classes but I did not have any clear career plans, which, to some extend extent  , hinder my ability to get a job immediately after graduation. It is at that moment that I recognize the significance of career related courses.  

这个sample 还是 clear career plans，并且两次都没给出具体的details 说明有关 more course的细节，如果能带出来写几笔就很好了。

To sum up, to cultivate our offspring 这个表达......我也不知道怎么改，就是觉得怪怪的 to be versatile and adept to future vocation, universities and colleges should add coursed to prepare students （help students prepare） for their future career. Education should foster descendents to be adaptable to society（不清楚这样表达是否合适，前面出现的也是） rather than be nerds.

北极的企鹅123

10-09的作业，和昨天那位热心同学互改啦~~

北极的企鹅123

好吧，赶在今晚把作业交了

吉迈特

刚看到楼主文章，楼主莫介意，12号去外地考托福了

北极的企鹅123

吉迈特 发表于 2013-10-15 01:09
刚看到楼主文章，楼主莫介意，12号去外地考托福了

恩恩，理解理解，我交作业也交的比较晚啦

ChristinaJuris

亲，你写完作业之后给我留言哦

北极的企鹅123

写好啦~~

北极的企鹅123

ChristinaJuris 发表于 2013-10-15 18:23
亲，你写完作业之后给我留言哦

我写好了，感谢队友批改哈