王大叔的作文贴

wanggang0411

laneesherry 发表于 2013-8-31 01:53
蓝色是个人意见
黄色表示赞

谢谢帮我修改啊， 那个the 的问题能再详述下吗？ 我对the的使用一直很困惑， 谢谢了。

sherryv

wanggang0411 发表于 2013-8-29 23:14
8月29日 独立
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement？The most important investment fo ...

粘贴上来没有颜色了，看附件吧。不好意思回复晚了。

When it comes to the question what is the mostimportant for a big company to invest, some people believe the efficiency andproficiency of its employees should deserve high priority, while others concernmore than these two aspects and believe in current century a big company shouldhold open vision on today’s environment, and I'm the person who agreeswith these visionary people.

First,from my personal experience, I believe that the company's development strategyshould deserve high priority(这个用法在首段刚出现过一次，建议换种写法) intoday's emergence market（这里的emergence market是想说什么呢？emergence是个名词，用来修饰market感觉说不通，不知道想表达什么意思）, and the company should invest a(part is a countable noun) considerable part of profit(its profits) on(in, investin sth) the investigation of finding market opportunity(opportunities), because theearlier a(the) company finds a new specialized area, thehigher the profit it could earn, and the companies which enters the arealatterly will find it is difficult to seizure(名词！) customersfrom pioneer, and even if they spend high cost to improve proficiency andefficiency of their employees, without high profit marketing strategy thecompanies are still uncompetitive compared with those market leader. Therefore,the efficiency and proficiency of employees really ranks(rank) lower insuch situation.
Therefore之前只有一个句号，这个句子太长并且结构混乱。建议断句和部分修改内容如下：
First, from my personal experience, I believethat the company's development strategy deserves primary attention from the management.The company should invest a considerable part of its profits in the investigationof finding market opportunities, because the earlier a company finds a newspecialized area, the higher the profit it could earn. As for those companiesentering the area latterly, they will find it difficult to attract customersfrom competitors, and even if they spend high cost to improve proficiency andefficiency of their employees, without high profit marketing strategy thecompanies are still uncompetitive compared with those market leaders.

Second,in the high technical development time, the companies which create innovativeproducts normally make higher profit than their follower(followers). Google, thefirst internet search engine provider, Amazon, the first online sells operator,Palpay, the first online payment service provider, and Apple, the leader ofworld to improve user(users’) experience. (这不是一个句子啊,而且标点符号的使用也要更严谨)All of thesemost successful company（companies） invest most(前面刚用完most，换个词儿吧，比如large parts) of their capitals on the development ofinnovative products and in turn becomes(become) the leader of each area(their relative areas). Therefore, we can see what the most valuablefield is in such fast developing world. Is it the proficiency or efficiency ofthe labors? No.
斜体部分修改如下：
Thinks of those big names: Google, the first internet searchengine provider; Amazon, the firstonline sells operator; Palpay, the first online payment service provider; and Apple, the leader toimprove users’ experience. All of these successful companies invest large partsof their capitals in developing innovative products and inturn become leaders of their relative areas.

Admittedly,some people would argue that without efficiency and proficiency the companywill (find itself) difficult to keep its advance(advanced) position.However I will ask these people that is it so important on such issue? LookNokia, the leader of mobile in the past, I believe the efficiency andproficiency of its employees are quite higher than other companies or at leastnot lower than other companies, but what about now? Under the lack ofinnovation and mistake of marketing strategy this company is on its lowestvalley of company's history.

Therefore,just as all reasons mentioned above, if I were the leader of a big company Iwould rank innovation and marketing strategy much higher than the efficiencyand proficiency of employees.

文章的内容很好，议论的部分也很到位。但是在句子结构上比较混乱，不简洁，冗杂的句子有点多。另外简单的语法错误也比较多，建议在写的时候更加细心一些。

wanggang0411

sherryv 发表于 2013-9-2 18:50
粘贴上来没有颜色了，看附件吧。不好意思回复晚了。

When it comes to the question what is the mostimpo ...

谢谢啊, 你提的问题都是我的弱点, 也是急需改进的, 非常感谢, 对于其他细节我也DOUBLE CHECK了一下, 和你分享下:

Regarding the phrase 'emergence market', you are right, it should be emerging market, a financial or consumer market in a newly developing country or former communist country.

Secondly, I compeletly agree with you that there are so many words could replace MOST such as considerable and significant.

wanggang0411

9月3号 独立作文, 我靠才写这么点儿, 莫非我记错时了.....

When it comes to the question whether it is mandatory for all high-school students to take basic economic courses, some people think that it's unnecessary since most of students are not majoring on economic or relevant areas, while others believe it's quite important for all students to join economic courses because it's beneficial in individual's whole life, and I'm the person who agrees with the latter.

First, it's universally agreed that basic economic courses are quite crucial for the students who will join business school to study Marking, Management or Finance. With the basic economic knowledge a student have learned in high-school, he or she could grasp high level concept or the knowledge of relative areas more easily than students without the basic economic education.

Furthermore, by taking basic economic courses, students could find out whether they are really interesting on this area. So for the students who are interesting on that topic, they could make a conclusive decision on which he or she will major in the business school. In contrast, for the students who feel boring during the basic economic courses, they could also make wise decision on their future.

Admittedly, some people would argue that if I already know that I'm quite not engaged in economic, why do I need to waste my time in high-school? On this question, I agree that for sure, there are many other courses more important for these people, but I would still propose every student to take basic economic courses, because people could benefit from economic knowledge for their whole life, and even if some people are not professional on this area, they still need to manage their money, right?

In conclusion, as all reasons mentioned above, I suggest all students to join basic economic courses.

追梦CY

不好意思啊我有点事情所以没有及时修改，先占个楼，晚上一定po上修改，抱歉！

虫虫爱吃菜

When it comes to the question whether it is mandatory for all high-school students to take basic economic courses, some people think that it's unnecessary since most of students are not majoring on(in） economic(economics， 不加s是形容词) or relevant areas（我觉得此处discipline似乎更好点，楼主可以查查）, while others believe it's quite important for all students to join economic courses because it's beneficial in individual's whole life, and I'm the person who agrees with the latter. (私以为楼主比较喜欢列举两方观点的开头方式，但是我个人觉得可以尝试一下其他开头方式，比如在开头引用名人名言，或者可以举个小例子：在我的母校为所有学生都开设了经济学课程，这一举动引起了很大反响，不少学生家长认为是徒劳增重学生负担，但我却认为....balabala）

First, it's universally agreed that basic economic courses are quite crucial for the students who will join business school to study Marking, Management or Finance. With the basic economic knowledge a student have learned in high-school, he or she could grasp high level concept or the knowledge of relative areas more easily than students without the basic economic education.

Furthermore, by taking basic economic courses, students could find out whether they are really interesting on(interested in） this area. So for the students who are interesting on that topic(同前）, they could make a conclusive decision on which he or she will major in the business school. In contrast, for the students who feel boring during(boring后面不能这样用吧？我感觉是或者用boring about 或者用during taking the...） the basic economic courses, they could also make wise decision on their future. (楼主这两段都重在说理，但是感觉没有详细例子还是说服力不够，而且感觉说理的时候也有点硬凑，比如这一段就花基本全部篇幅说了如果对此学科感兴趣该怎么样不感兴趣该怎么样，但是私以为in contrast 后面其实可以少说点然后添点具体例子会更加充实)

Admittedly, some people would argue that if I already know that I'm quite not engaged in economic, why do I need to waste my time in high-school? On this question, I agree that for sure, there are many other courses more important for these people, but I would still propose every student to take basic economic courses, because people could benefit from economic knowledge for their whole life, and even if some people are not professional on（in） this area, they still need to manage their money, right? （个人觉得此句过长，楼主其实可以把他们拆成很多各分句分别表达不同的意思）

In conclusion, as all reasons mentioned above, I suggest all students to join basic economic courses.

第一次在这个论坛改作文，希望对楼主有帮助哈~^_^ 我也快考托福了，真心希望可以互改！

追梦CY

虫虫爱吃菜 发表于 2013-9-4 19:00
When it comes to the question whether it is mandatory for all high-school students to take basic ec ...

改完作文看到楼上的修改也学习到了很多！
怎么不加入小分队互改呢~？？！！http://forum.chasedream.com/thread-870345-1-1.html

虫虫爱吃菜

追梦CY 发表于 2013-9-4 20:31
改完作文看到楼上的修改也学习到了很多！
怎么不加入小分队互改呢~？？！！http://forum.chasedream.com/ ...

昨天刚注册这个网站不太清楚怎么用！太感谢啦！以后加入小组一起改

wanggang0411

9月5号 独立写作

谢谢虫虫爱吃菜, 和追梦 对我前几篇的修改, 这次我尽量多一些例子, 并用一种带入的方式, 把自己带到文章里, 这样写起来轻松了许多.
语法和, 长句上还是有问题, 我会在今后的日子里 "痛改前非"~~~~~

Do you agree or disagree that the rules in societies today are too strict for young people.  

When I was young, myparents ask me to wake up earlier at 6:00 in the morning, define the study planfor whole term, and ask valuable questions during the class, besides that theyalso regulate all details of my daily life such as my behavior, my wearness,and even my friends. At beginning, as all of you could sense, I feel extremely uncomfortablefor all this trivial limitations or rules. I want to stay in my bed longer inthe morning, wear any clothes I want to go to school, and talk to anyone I likewith any way I prefer. However, after I graduated from school, started mycareer, and have my own family, I just understand how important these un-comfortablerules are for my whole life.

To begin with, becausenobody is borned with gentle awareness, and it's normal or common to see youngpeople behavior improperly, strict rules are mandatory to correct the wrongbehavior of young people. When young people don't keep alignment in a queue,when young people don't offer his or her seat to oldness in public transportationand when young people teasing others brutally, not only the parents but alsothe whole societies need to refer these rules to teach them howto behave properly and what the social responsibilities they need to take.

Furthermore, the strictrules are also indispensable parts of education. We need these rules toregulate the young people to ensure that they come to school on time, studyhard in the class, and review their homework concentrately. Otherwise, theywill wake up late in the morning, tease each other during the class and spendmost of their rest time on TV or Xbox. Therefore, we need these rules to ensurethe quality of their education, and the country need these rules to guaranteeits future.

In contrast, somepeople would argue that such strict rules will limit the creativities of youngpeople, just as what I thought when I was young. From all my experience,however, I realize that creativity is not from waking up late in the morning,hanging out during class time or playing Xbox for whole day, but from hard workand self-regulation every day and every year.

Therefore, from whathave been discussed above, and what I experienced in my life, I may safely drawthe conclusion that strict rules are imperative to guarantee the quality ofeducation, the success of individual, the alignment of society and even thefuture of country.

虫虫爱吃菜

wanggang0411 发表于 2013-9-6 14:15
9月5号 独立写作

谢谢虫虫爱吃菜, 和追梦 对我前几篇的修改, 这次我尽量多一些例子, 并用一种带入的方式, ...

When I was young, my parents ask(时态） me to wake up earlier at(than?) 6:00 in the morning, define(同样是时态） the study planfor whole term, and ask(同样是时态，词汇略重复 ，这个读起来好绕啊：my parents asked me to ask quesition....） valuable questions during the class, besides that they also regulate all details of my daily life such as my behavior, my wearness,and even my friends (我觉得这几个分句还是分开表达比较好的吧？这样一句读起来其实很困惑的，而且很容易出错). At (少了冠词） beginning, as all of you could sense, I feel extremely uncomfortable for(个人认为后面的介词应该是about吧) all this trivial limitations or rules. I want to stay in my bed longer in the morning, wear any clothes I want to go to school, and talk to anyone I likewith any way I prefer. However, after I graduated from school, started my career, and have my own family, I just understand how important these un-comfortablerules are for my whole life. (楼主虽然用了事实让第一段很丰富，但是会不会有点太多了导致第一段好长？而且楼主木有明确地表达自己的观点）

To begin with, because nobody is borned with gentle awareness, and it's normal or common (个人觉得这种...or...的表达太过中文化了，而且也没有必要，两个词的意思没有差很多，这样显得累赘） to see young people behavior improperly, strict rules are mandatory to correct the wrongbehavior of young people. When young people don't keep alignment in a queue,when young people don't offer his or her seat to oldness in public transportation and when young people teasing others brutally, not only the parents but also the whole societies need to refer these rules to teach them how to behave properly and what the social responsibilities they need to take. (这个论点读起来总觉得有点跑题，楼主叙述的这些并不是严格意义上的rules in society吧？）

Furthermore, the strictrules are also indispensable parts of education. We need these rules toregulate the young people to ensure that they come to school on time, studyhard in the class, and review their homework concentrately. Otherwise, they will wake up late in the morning, tease each other during the class and spendmost of their rest time on TV or Xbox. Therefore, we need these rules to ensurethe quality of their education, and the country need these rules to guaranteeits future.(楼主多出都在用这种例子排比的方式举出泛泛的例子，个人觉得有点重复，而且在分论点中缺少具体的例子会有点枯燥）

In contrast, somepeople would argue that such strict rules will limit the creativities of youngpeople, just as what I thought when I was young. From all my experience,however, I realize that creativity is not from waking up late in the morning,hanging out during class time or playing Xbox for whole day, but from hard workand self-regulation every day and every year.

Therefore, from what have been discussed above, and what I have experienced in my life, I may safely(这个副词在这表达什么意思？安全地？） draw the conclusion that strict rules are imperative to guarantee the quality of education, the success of individual, the alignment of society and even thefuture of country.

总体来说，感觉楼主的论证有点偏（因为我也没有很确定要怎么论证这个题目所以有可能理解错误），重在论述这样严的规则的重要性而并不是反驳说这样的规则对青年人不严。我觉得如果要论证的话应该从反面来说，即说明这样的规则是松的，那么哪几个方面是松的然后再举例子来论证。否则楼主这样说很容易让人产生误解，你到底是在表达这样的rules strict 还是 relaxed？