[写作小分队] 8月26号考试啦

fpd

Everyone has the right to choose his ownlife style. Some people have the preference to a job with more than enough salary but few vacations, while others will go for a job with numerous numbers of vacations but limited salary. From my perspective, though I'm in favor of the idea that one should be financial independent by making extra money, I'd rather choose the second life style of making enough money but enjoying my dear vacations.

At the very beginning, let me raise this(改成a) question: Why do we have to work? We work for a better life and hopefully make some contribution to the society. What I sense is that when we have made enoughmoney, we should find occasions to spend it, and having our vacations is justone easy way to do it （do so）. Just imagine those people who work all day and nevertake a rest.（imagine 这里用的不好…换成think about） In some way I may understand their intensions but I'd rather workhalf the time and raise my living quality.

What's more, (下面一整句话的表达有错误..)this is my thinking that we work, so we will have the opportunity to fulfill our dream and develop our interest (interests). You can not deny the fact that a whole（whole 去掉） bunch of people take their jobs as their interest but I don't think I do （整句话逻辑意思不清，建议分成两句写）. If I have to work all day to get more than enough salary, I will call it "surviving " instead of "living". Every now and then, I want to take a trip abroad to see the world, to learn a few recipes to satisfy my stomach, and to spend a lazy afternoon with my lover. And that's how I decide to live my life.

Last but not the least, humans beings (human beigns) are not machines, so we're not supposed to work all the time. The idea that the efficiency of taking a rest every 50 minutes is higher than that of working nonstop (without a rest in one hour) one hour is easily understood. We should take some vacations (take vacations ) not just for fun,(去掉，) but for our health and for unbreakable nature law. We've heard enough （millions of） news about while(while在这里做什么？) collars die during their work, let us not make it happen again. （前后句子缺少连接词，如果是while则意思不太对...）

To sum up, leading（enjoying） the life style of havingenough salary and extra vacations sounds more appealing to me. Because I believe we're human beings who work for a better life, develop our interest and fulfill our dream. （这句话逻辑有问题，I believe we are human beings.难道还有不是human being 的可能吗？）


文章模板痕迹比较明显，希望改良一下。句子之间连接比较生硬，可以多使用一些连接词。
希望每天进步，最后作文30分！

mk314400

Aug 5

Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
为了经济发展，我们可以忽略环境问题

Economy is a huge and important part to evaluate a country. A key factor of determining whether a country is developed or not is the GDP per capita. Just imagine when in 2008 the world was suffering from a financial recession, people were miserable and some could not even survive. However, when we talk about economy, we often think about environment, as well. When the debate of whether or not should we develop economy at the cost of sacrificing the environment is raised, some people say "yes", while others say "no". Even though I see the great significance of the flourish economy, I want to make note of the importance of environment.

First and for most, when we have enjoyable environment, we have great lives. So the idea raised earlier in the passage is absolutely not a wise option. To better address this point, let us review the purpose to develop economy - for a better life. A better life isn't all about money and is about clean water, safe food, fresh air, etc. If we have a choice: lots of money with polluted air, water and food or enough money with fresh air, water and food, I believe most of us will choose the latter.

Second, the cost of purifying environment is huge. Once the countries find out the environment of theirs is no longer suitable for living, they will consider purifying it, but expensive cost has to be paid. Many developed cities, such as Los Angeles, Tokyo, London, suffered from polluted air before and it took not only a lot of money, but also a long time for them to have the clean environment again. What a huge lesson learned!

Last but not the least, we should protect our environment for the future generation. The effect of developing economy is far-reaching, as well as protecting environment. We want our future generation to enjoy the sweet achievement of intelligent human beings and not want them to blame us for leaving them with terrible mess to clean up. For this purpose, we should do something right now by no longer polluting our environment.

To sum up, from my perspective, the idea of sacrificing environment for a better economy is stupid and shallow. Besides, we should do something right now to help protect our green earth.
 
Integrated Writing：
TPO25
The professor in the listening material opposed the ideas raised in the reading passage by describing them "unconvincing" and she believed that the vessel could have used to produce electricity in ancient times.

First of all, the professor raised doubt about the point made in the reading passage that no evidence was found to prove that any metal wires were near the vessels. The fact was that, the professor stated, it was the local people who discovered the vessel and they might have overlooked important materials that could be electricity conductors simply because they were not professional and could not recognize them.

Second, even though the professor admitted that vessels found in Iraq were similar to those in the ruins of Seleucia, she thought the this finding proved nothing. She gave her hypothesis that the vessel might have made to hold scrolls of sacred texts originally, but no one could deny the possibility that the vessel was then be adapted to produce electricity.

Finally, the professor disagreed the last point made in the passage by listing some possible uses of electricity by ancient people. The first use of electricity current was to show people the possession of magic power and the second was to stimulate muscle for healing purpose.

晓野的野

有什么修改不正确的欢迎拍砖
综合写作....汗，我没有找到TPO26，所以没有写，你写的综合写作我也没有办法修正内容，只能抓抓里面的语法问题 ，实在不好意思...

Economy(因为是可数名词，应该加定语) is a huge and important part to evaluate a country. A key factor of determining（改为to determine也许会更好点） whether or not （把or not 提前感觉顺点）a country is developed is the GDP per capita. Just imagine when in 2008 the world was suffering from a financial recession, people were miserable and some could not even survive. However, when we talk about economy, we often think about environment, as well. When the debate of （这里改为that比较好）whether or not should we （这里应该是we should 吧）develop economy at the cost of sacrificing the environment is raised, some people say "yes", while others say "no". Even though I see the great significance of the flourish economy, I want to make note of the importance of environment. （这里直接表明观点比较好，agree或者disagree，仅仅写谈论下保护环境的重要性有点模糊）

First and for most, when we have （我们拥有enjoyable environment感觉有点奇怪）enjoyable environment, we have great lives. （可以考虑变换下句式，The more enjoyable the environment is, the better lives we have. ）So the idea raised earlier in the passage is absolutely not a wise option. To better address this point, let us review the purpose to develop economy - for a better life. A better life isn't (正式作文中最好不要缩写)all about money and is （改为but about）about clean water, safe food, fresh air, etc. If we have a choice: lots of money with polluted air, water and food or enough money with fresh air, water and food, I believe most of us will choose the latter. (我个人感觉有点奇怪，改为这样会不会好点 If choice must be made between lots of money with polluted air, water and food and enough money with fresh air, water and food, I believe most of us will choose the latter )

Second, the cost of purifying environment is huge. Once the countries find out the environment of theirs(theirs已经有他们的什么东西之意，改为their environment) is no longer suitable for living, they will consider purifying it, but expensive cost has （这里都改为复数比较好，因为花费不止一种）to be paid. Many developed cities, such as Los Angeles, Tokyo, （加and）London, suffered from polluted air before and it took not only a lot of money, but also a long time for them to have(have不好，for them to change the polluted environment into clean environment) the clean environment again. What a huge lesson learned!

Last but not the least, we should protect our environment for the future generation. The effect of developing economy is far-reaching, as well as protecting environment. We want our future generation to enjoy the sweet achievement of intelligent human beings and (连词变为but,加do)not want them to blame us for leaving them with terrible mess to clean up. For this purpose, we should do something right now by no longer polluting our environment.

To sum up, from my perspective, the idea of sacrificing environment for a better economy is stupid and shallow. Besides, we should do something right now to help protect our green earth.(结尾可以在对前文的原因进行简要的总结)

The professor in the listening material opposed the ideas raised in the reading passage by describing them "unconvincing" and she believed that the vessel could have used to produce electricity in ancient times.

First of all, the professor raised doubt about the point made in the reading passage that no evidence was found to prove that any metal wires were near the vessels. The fact was that, the professor stated, it was the local people who discovered the vessel and they might have overlooked important materials that could be electricity conductors simply because they were not professional and could not recognize them.

Second, even though the professor admitted that vessels found in Iraq were similar to those in the ruins of Seleucia, she thought the this （小拼写错误，the改为that）finding proved nothing. She gave her hypothesis that the vessel might have (这里是不是应该有个been)made to hold scrolls of sacred texts originally, but no one could deny the possibility that the vessel was then be (怎么有两个be动词,删掉一个)adapted to produce electricity.

Finally, the professor disagreed （加with）the last point made in the passage by listing some possible uses of electricity by ancient people. The first use of electricity current was to show people the possession of magic power and the second was to stimulate muscle for healing purpose.

mk314400

6 Aug「Today」
Independent Writing：

Whichway do you think is the best for a student to make new friends.a. joing asports team, b. participate in community activities, c. traveling

No oneis alone is the world: we have our family and friends. As we don't have achoice for family, we do for our friends. When we're old enough to leave theshelter provided by our family, we spend more time with our friends. A foodfriend listens when you're in sorrow, cares when you're in pain, and helps whenyou're in trouble. So how do we students make new friends? While some peoplemight say by joining a sports team, where they can build up team spirit andmake good friends, others find participating in community activities bringpeople sharing the same value together and help them become friends. As for me,traveling is the best way to do so.

First ofall, students overcome obstacles during traveling and they become closerafterwards. It is true because anything can happen during traveling: gettinglost, wallet stolen, no idea where to go, etc. And friends will reach out tofigure out the right way to go, borrow you some money for emergency, andrecommend some places of interest to go. It definitely feels warm if someonecan help especially when you're in totally different places and environment.Just as the old saying goes, a friend in need is a good friend indeed.

Besides,students have so much time to talk during traveling. Whether you're waiting fora bus, on a plan, or on the beach, in the hotel, you have plenty of time toshare everything you want to. You may find people who have the same taste asyours in music or someone really funny and adorable. You'll never forget thefunniest joke Tom told when you were climbing Mt. Fuji in Japan and you willalways remember the time when you listen to the music in Julie's iPod and watchthe sunset by the Golden Gate Bridge in the United States. You'll not evennotice how quickly you become friends.

Last butnot the least, it's highly possible that people who choose the same destinationfor their travel will become friends. Assuming France has always been the placeyou want to visit and when you finally see the Eiffel Tower you become soexcited. There you meet some one who's been as passionate as you about Franceand believe me, you have a lot to share: how you saved your money for the trip,how you chose your hotel and flight, and even safety tips when traveling inFrance.

To sumup, the time spent in traveling is memorable and pleasant and also it is a perfectway to make new friends.  

晓野的野

No one is alone is【改为in】 the world: we have our family【families】 and friends. As we don't have a choice for family, we do for our friends.【如果是想表达尽管不能选择家庭但是可以选择朋友，可以改为Although we cannot choose families, we can choose friends.这样have a choice for感觉有歧义；而且我觉得这句话在这段里面逻辑不连贯】 When we're old enough to leave the shelter provided by our family, we spend more time with our friends. A  food【改为good】 friend listens 【keeps company with you】when you're in sorrow, cares【about you】 when you're in pain, and helps【give a hand to you】 when you're in trouble. So how do we students make new friends? While some people might say 【we can make new firends】by joining a sports team, where they can build up team spirit and make good friends, others find participating in community activities bring【brings】 people sharing the same value together and help【可以改为逗号加which helps，句式多样化些】 them become friends. As for me, traveling is the best way to do so.

First of all, students overcome obstacles during traveling and they become closer afterwards. It is true because anything can happen during traveling: getting lost, wallet stolen, no idea where to go, etc.【这句话，后面的两个只是wallet，idea两个名词呃，不是能发生的什么事情，后面那个可以改为having no idea, 但是前面那个钱包不知道怎么改】 And friends will reach out to figure out the right way to go, borrow【lend】 you some money for emergency, and recommend some places of interest【直接some interesting places】 to go. It【主语应该是人】 definitely feels warm if someone can help especially when you're in totally different places and environment【删去and 后面的】. Just as the old saying goes, a friend in need is a good friend indeed.

Besides, students have so much time to talk during traveling. Whether you're waiting for a bus, on a plan【on an airplane?】, or on the beach, in the hotel【or 要放在最后一个并列处】， you have plenty of time to share everything you want to【差动词】. You may find people who have the same taste as yours in music or someone 【who are】really funny and adorable. You'll never forget the funniest joke Tom told when you were climbing Mt. Fuji in Japan and you will always remember the time when you listen to the music in Julie's iPod and watch the sunset by the Golden Gate Bridge in the United States.【可以考虑把句子分成单独的句子，并列太长】 You'll not even notice how quickly you become friends.

Last but not the least, it's highly possible that people who choose the same destination for their travel will become friends. Assuming France has always been the place you want to visit and when you finally see the Eiffel Tower you become so excited. 【assuming +句子，句子】【主句+when状语从句】【这两个句子并列有问题，都缺主句】There you meet some one who's been as passionate as you about France and 【建议断开成两个句子】believe me, you have a lot to share: how you saved your money for the trip, how you chose your hotel and flight, and even safety tips when traveling in France.

To sum up, the time spent in traveling is memorable and pleasant and also it [it 无指代，直接traveling]is a perfect way to make new friends.  


小建议：
每段间空行，这样正式考试的时候阅卷老师看着会明了些
收尾写的太少了

晓野的野

啊 亲 你是忘记改我的作文了么？

mk314400

Independent Writing：
School always collect information of the teaching performance of teachers and according to it, give teacher who has efficient teaching rewards. So which is more useful: evaluation by students or by other teachers?

When it comes to the debate that who should evaluate a teacher’s performance, some people might agree that the evaluation by their colleagues is more important, since they work together and know each other’s working pattern. From my perspective, however, schools should decide each teacher's rewards based on evaluation submitted by their students.

Perhaps the most direct reason is that students are the targets of the education, by which I mean they observe the teachers' performance directly. Students know if they like a certain teacher or not based on their performance. For instance, there is a famous website called "Rate Your Professor" in the United States. At the beginning of each semester, students will check whether the professors of the classes they are going to take have positive feedback from previous students. To be honest, we rate our teachers every time we have lectures in our hearts, so students' opinions are definitely of the greatest significance.

Moreover, the purpose of giving lectures is for students to learn. Only the students are aware whether they understand the materials discussed in class. For example, when I was in my senior high school, our English teacher graduated from NYU and spoke excellent English. But after the excitement of having a superior English speaker as our teacher was gone, we found that the teaching method was not for us. He asked us to read a lot, but seldom helped us walk through the materials. Many of my classmates stopped reading since they understood nothing. It is plain to see that even though the teaching method might be advanced, the students decide if it is right for us.

In addition, evaluation made by students can help teachers build up confidence and realize their problems. More than once did I write my comments on the evaluation forms. When I'm grateful for that teachers, I will write my appreciation; when I disagree with a certain teacher's teaching style, I will leave my suggestions. The evaluation form is anonymous, so students always feel free to write what is on their mind. These notes can help teachers to make bigger progress.

Because other teachers cannot see the performance of their colleagues in class, their evaluation is not as useful as students'. In a word, students know their teachers in class more than any one else, even teachers themselves, so their evaluation is more valuable.

mk314400

Aug. 18
Independent Writing：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than to older people.

When it comes to the debate that whether the opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are of greater importance to younger people than to older people, some people might disagree with that idea simply because they do not approve the thinking of those celebrities. From my perspective, however, the behaviors and philosophy of celebrities do matter more for younger people.

Perhaps the most direct reason comes from the fact that younger people need models and inspiration more than older people do. Even though older people may need encouragement or guidance once in a while, young people are faced with the world, which has never been changing so fast before. The idea might be too abstract, let me raise a convincing example to break down this argument. I used to be a volunteer in Vietnam to help orphans. Despite the fact that they were all in rags, to my astonishment, some of them seemed to be really strong and took care of the rest. Accidentally I found a 17-year-old girl who spoke a little English have a collection of CDs. She told me her favorite artist was Mariah Carey and the song "Hero" helped her get through so many difficulties and taught her to be strong. The strength from celebrities might be invisible, but it does influence people.

Moreover, younger people are more passionate about celebrities. In high school, it is so plain to hear students talking about their "idols". For instance, when I was in my high school, I considered myself devoted to rock music and Nirvana was my favorite band. I collected old news report of Kurt Cobain, went to Seattle to visit rock museum and even spent a little time in a rock band as the vocal. I always tried to figure out what was on Kurt's mind and led to his suicide. Nirvana taught to be different and not be intimated to voice my mind. This part of my life might still have a huge influence on me right now, though I'm not as passionate as I was about rock music at that time.

In addition, older people have so much experience in life and know what is right or wrong. On the other hand, most of younger people do not realize what they are chasing. When I was a kid, my parents always offered to give me so much advice about everything and more than once did I find it a little annoying. Until now I realized their advice came from their experience in life and they did not want me to make the same mistakes again. At this point, I am even more grateful to my parents. So is the case with celebrities. Younger people need this kind of opinions to help them understand lives and reach their dreams.

In a word, due to the inexperienced, passionate and innocent characteristics of young people, they need some guidance and suggestions. And celebrities can sometimes be the good models.


TPO 14
The professor gave us his opinions about the authenticity of the portrait for sale mentioned in the reading passage. According to the professor, even though the passage did provide us with some connections between the portrait and Jane Austen, he disagreed with the argument raised in the passage that the subject in the portrait was Jane Austen herself.

First, he mentioned that at the time of the publication of Austen's letters, she had been dead for more than 70 years. In that case, the Austen's family never saw Jane themselves and could not identify the subject in the portrait, which contradicts the opinion in the passage that Austen's family clearly recognized the painting as the portrait of Jane Austen.

Second, according to the professor, there was a possibility that the subject in the portrait was one of Austen's relatives, since Jane had a large family and many of her relatives were teenagers at the same time with Jane. What is more, this possibility was mentioned in some studies. This idea given by the professor opposes the assumption made in the passage that Cassandra's sketch depicted Jane Austen and made that assumption not sound or persuasive.

Third, the professor found the evidence proving the portrait was of Jane problematic, by stating that the evidence only looked at the style of the painting. In fact, the professor said that the canvas used by the painting was sold by a businessman who started selling canvases when Jane Austen was no longer a teenager. This fact lay a solid foundation to oppose the idea in the passage.

qingcongll

mk314400 发表于 2013-8-17 19:51
Independent Writing：
School always collect information of the teaching performance of teachers and  ...

Independent Writing：
School always collect information of the teaching performance of teachers and according to it, give teacher who has efficient teaching rewards. So which is more useful: evaluation by students or by other teachers?

When it comes to the debate that who should evaluate a teacher’s performance, some people might agree that the evaluation by their colleagues is more important, since they work together and know each other’s working pattern. From my perspective, however, schools should decide each teacher's rewards based on evaluation submitted by their students. (个人感觉开头模板气重了一些）

Perhaps the most direct reason is that students are the targets of the education（Chinglish）, by which I mean they observe the teachers' performance directly. Students know if they like a certain teacher or not based on their performance. For instance, there is a famous website called "Rate Your Professor" in the United States. At the beginning of each semester, students will check whether the professors of the classes they are going to take have positive feedback from previous students. To be honest, we rate our teachers every time we have lectures in our hearts, so students' opinions are definitely of the greatest significance.（个人感觉例子阐述不够，你要阐述的观点是学生的观点更重要，但是例子貌似没说出这层含义）

Moreover, the purpose of giving lectures is for students to learn. Only the students are aware whether they understand the materials discussed in class. For example, when I was in my senior high school, our English teacher graduated from NYU and spoke excellent English. But after the excitement of having a superior English speaker as our teacher was gone, we found that the teaching method was not for us. He asked us to read a lot, but seldom helped us walk through the materials（？？？Chinglish）. Many of my classmates stopped reading since they understood nothing. It is plain (貌似这词不这么用） to see that even though the teaching method might be advanced, the students decide if it is right for us.

In addition, evaluation made by students can help teachers build up confidence and realize their problems. More than once did I write my comments on the evaluation forms. When I'm grateful for that teachers, I will write my appreciation; when I disagree with a certain teacher's teaching style, I will leave my suggestions. The evaluation form is anonymous, so students always feel free to write what is on their mind. These notes can help teachers to make bigger progress. （个人觉得这段还可以再展开一点）

Because other teachers cannot see the performance of their colleagues in class, their evaluation is not as useful as students'. In a word, students know their teachers in class more than any one else, even teachers themselves, so their evaluation is more valuable. 总的来说，二三段问题不大，第一段稍欠妥，另外模板气有点重。个人观点，欢迎讨论

FrancisEvens

When it comes to the debate that whether the opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are of greater importance to younger people than to older people, some people might disagree with that idea simply because they do not approve the thinking of those celebrities. From my perspective, however, the behaviors and philosophy of celebrities do matter more for younger people.

Perhaps the most direct reason comes from the fact that younger people need models and inspiration more than older people do. Even though older people may need encouragement or guidance once in a while, young people are faced with the world, which has never been changing so fast before. The idea might be too abstract, let me raise a convincing example to break down this argument. I used to be a volunteer in Vietnam to help orphans. Despite the fact that they were all in rags, to my astonishment, some of them seemed to be really strong and took care of the rest. Accidentally I found a 17-year-old girl who spoke (can speak) a little (bit) English have a collection of CDs. She told me (that) her favorite artist was Mariah Carey and (that) the song "Hero" helped her get through so many difficulties and taught her to be strong. The strength from celebrities might be invisible, but it does influence people.

Moreover, younger people are more passionate about celebrities. In high school, it is so plain （可以用ordinary或normal) to hear students talking about their "idols". For instance, when I was in my (删去my) high school, I considered myself devoted to rock music and Nirvana was my favorite band (后半句最好也用 I 做主语，毕竟是并列句嘛）. I collected old news report of Kurt Cobain, went to Seattle to visit rock museum and even spent a little time in a rock band as the vocal. I always tried to figure out what was on Kurt's mind and led to his suicide. Nirvana taught to be different and not be intimated to voice my mind. This part of my life might still have a huge influence on me right now, though I'm not as passionate as I was about rock music at that time.

In addition, older people have so much experience in life and know what is right or wrong. On the other hand, most of younger people do not realize what they are chasing. When I was a kid, my parents always offered to give me so much advice about everything and more than once did I find it a little annoying（这里同样是并列句主语的问题）. Until now I realized their advice came from their experience in life and they did not want me to make the same mistakes again. At this point, I am even more grateful to my parents. So is the case with celebrities. Younger people need this kind of opinions to help them understand lives and reach their dreams.

In a word, due to the inexperienced, passionate and innocent characteristics of young people, they need some guidance and suggestions. And celebrities can sometimes be the good models. （这里结尾句建议改一下，题目说的是名人的观点是否对年轻人影响更大，而不是年轻人是否更需要被影响）

楼主语法几乎没有问题，结构也很合理，不过写作时过于主观，出现大量以“I”做逻辑主语的句子。例证也以亲身经历为主。建议不时更换叙述方式，加入些广为人知的例子，使论证更客观。另外可以加强下说理，只用举例论证略单薄。