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issue12 求批改!

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楼主
发表于 2013-6-20 16:02:34 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式
Government should offer a free university education to any student who has been admitted to a university but who cannot afford the tuition.
Write a response in which you discuss your view on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.
       Despite it is true that there are many merits for individuals as well as the general public if government offers a free university education to those students who has been admitted to a university but who cannot afford the tuition, possible detrimental results should also be evaluated while ignoring them would render the recommendation counterproductive. Moreover, better ways exists for students to figure out their financial problems to enter university.
       Admittedly, that government offer free university educations to admitted students who are incapable of paying the tuition benefits individuals and the whole society in several aspects. Firstly, governmental financial aid helps individuals to fulfill their true potential, which, in turn, promote the development of the whole society. Take Xuesen Qian, who is honored the Father of Missile of China, for an instance. The experience that Qian studied at MIT and the Technological Institute of California, the tuition of which was totally offered by the goverment, contributed a lot to his later contribution in producing missile in China. Qian was a promising student of his time, but without government’s help with the tuition, not only that Qian won’t have the chance to go to universities like MIT and his potential would remain undeveloped, but China would lost an oppurtunity to greatly advance its missile industry. Secondly, it makes the society a fairer place for government to provide free university education for those unaffordable for the tuition. Students don’t have to worry about whether they are born in a rich family so that their tuition can be covered. All they have to do is working hard to elevate themselves. Money is no longer an impediment for students to go to universities and unfair competition can be effectively prohibited. Therefore, individuals’ and general public’s welfare can be enhanced if government offer free university educations to students.
       However, at the same time, some detrimental consequences of this recommendation should also be considered. Assume that a student, whose family must work really hard to afford his tuition for middile school and high school but cannot afford his university education, studies really hard before university as a result of that his parents usually encourage him to study hard because of difficulties in paying his tuition and he himself is also aware of how precious it is for him to get a chance learning in classroom. And finally he is admitted to a university and is free of tuition. What would happen next probably is that the student may stop studying hard as a result of lack of family encouragemnet and lack of self motivation becase his family doen’t have to work hard anymore to pay his tuition. After college graduation, the students may learn a little and the tuition that government has paid for him is wasted. In this case, free education actually plays a bad role and leads to unwanted ends, which has to be considered when evaluationg the writer’s recommendation.
       Furthermore, to promote the advantages and to avoid the drawbacks mentioned above, government can adopt better ways to help students with their financial shortage to get into university rather than offering a totally free education. One solution is scholarship. Government can pay part of the tuition, which can cover the first year of study, for students. And whether students can keep getting tuition assistance depends on their performance within the year. They must perform well to get continuous financial support. Another solution can be job positions, which takes the form that by offering job positions such as TA, students can get paid back from the government through working. In these ways, students’ financial problems to enter university can be solved as well as avoiding students to get indolent in universites.
       To sum up, free university education offerd by government for students who are admitted to a university but cannot afford the tuition is coducive with respect to both individuals and society. However, totally free education can cause problems such as laziness and indulgence. Moreover, to help students and at the same time to keep them motivated, government can provide students financial support in wiser ways such as scholarship or offering job positions.
      
      
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沙发
发表于 2013-6-20 20:23:32 | 只看该作者
板凳
发表于 2013-6-21 00:40:35 | 只看该作者
正在改,想请教作者两个问题,第一个是,这篇文章写了多长时间?第二个是文章中几乎全部是长句,这是写的时候有意为之还是自然而然的?因为这样的文章,很冒险的。
地板
 楼主| 发表于 2013-6-21 07:45:51 | 只看该作者
竹林中人 发表于 2013-6-21 00:40
正在改,想请教作者两个问题,第一个是,这篇文章写了多长时间?第二个是文章中几乎全部是长句,这是写的时 ...

哦哦,好的。写了一个小时左右;长句不是有意为之的啊。谢谢指教啦
5#
 楼主| 发表于 2013-6-21 07:53:33 | 只看该作者
905739119 发表于 2013-6-20 20:23

求指教啦,谢谢
6#
发表于 2013-6-21 15:43:25 | 只看该作者

请人看了下,请查阅

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7#
 楼主| 发表于 2013-6-22 11:26:46 | 只看该作者
竹林中人 发表于 2013-6-21 15:43
请人看了下,请查阅

好的好的^_^
改的很仔细诶,也提了很多很好的建议,受益啦!!
8#
 楼主| 发表于 2013-6-22 11:29:44 | 只看该作者
竹林中人 发表于 2013-6-21 15:43
请人看了下,请查阅

真的很谢谢帮忙批改!
9#
发表于 2013-6-22 11:41:55 | 只看该作者
我个人建议,段落不要太长,句子也最好长短结合,短句太少或者没有,读起来很费劲。而且长短结合,逻辑看起来会更清晰些,加油,你的基础不错,长句用的很熟练,没有明显的错误
10#
 楼主| 发表于 2013-6-22 12:10:38 | 只看该作者
竹林中人 发表于 2013-6-22 11:41
我个人建议,段落不要太长,句子也最好长短结合,短句太少或者没有,读起来很费劲。而且长短结合,逻辑看起 ...

嗯嗯,好的!希望我之后考完也能加入一起修改作文~~
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