高一妹纸 grace9210 的独立写作，请大家多多指教

grace9210

下课了，中午再看看别人的作文吧

zengyuruo

When it comes to Internet(应该用the Internet吧，是特指), the majority of people believe that it is the greatest invention. More and more people consider that the Internet is original force（个人感觉用driving force更好） that we can（cannot？） ignore of the development of modern societies . Many of us take into account that improving Internet access ought to be more important than improving public transportation. （倒装用的挺好的）As for me, I don't agree with that.（建议加一个however，逻辑转折有个提示）

Firstly, the Internet is not （has not been）popularized worldwide espcially（especially） in some less developed area . In these indigent districts, computers are not afforded by（affordable for，应该是are not affordable 或者 cannot be afforded） most of the people, let alone surffing（suffering） on the Internet. If the government emarked（embarked？） on Internet developing as the（a吧，前文未提到，且非特指） primary task, there would be a huge amount of work such as the（应去掉） disseminating of the knowledge of Internet, the（应却掉） civilization（civilized？连续两个名字，感觉有点怪怪的） construction of the proper use of Internet and so on. On the other hand, how nice it would be if the public transporatation（transportation） were （have，优先级只是事物的一个属性，transportation ！= priority） the top priority . In this case, people in the blocking（blocked，是被block的地区，而不是有block作用的地区） regions would have （the chance to）contact with the outside world which is capatable（capable） to offer them Internet science（接触外界世界带来的好处，不应该是Internet science，而是带来生活便利或其它知识吧…） itself. The more access they have to the modern world, the more knowledge they'll with easy effort.（这句没有谓语，是they will have? 但不太理解with easy effort是表达什么意思） Public transporation（transportation） is the foundamental（fundamental） basis（这句表达跟小学改病句的重复语病一样，basis就是fundament） of development instead of （应该是rather than，不是替代的关系，而是说public transportation是，而Internet不是）Internet.(这样表达会不会好一点？ Public transportation, rather than the Internet, plays a fundamental role in the social development.)

Secondly , the investment of the Internet will case（cause） the unfair situation for the people who don't use Internet. （是政府投资导致不公平，而不是投资导致不公平）People seem to fail to take into account the fact that not all of us like Internet. There are still a number of people rejecting using it or using seldom. The contribution of government should be just for all the civilians in the jurisdictions. This action will probably cause unexpected situations which do harm to the harmony and unity of the society.

Thirdly, the more improved Internet will keep us from the real world. Form the picture that you are sitting on the sofa facing to your laptop, chatting with your foreign friends.(本句只有一个介词短语…亲~) When you feel tired, you can watch the photos of your dream place to relax yourself without paying a cent or taking a step. No matter where you are and what you are doing, you can always order a tasty meal online, which keeps you from the tiredness of going to the restaurant. In the view of such pleasant situation, people will definitely agree to improve Internet access but not public transpotation（transportation）. From my view, the content(没有联网，但感觉content是主动的满意吧，可以表达令人满意么？不确定哈…) lives offered by Internet is a chronic posion.（poison） So absorbed in the convenient life we are that we are losing something more important. Gradually you talk less to your family，（缺谓语，亲~~）tired of hearing（hear是听见，但我觉得这里表达好像是懒得搭理，还是带有关心含义，比如care about可能更合适） the local events, you become lazier that you no more want to take a journey to the dream land , （缺谓语，亲~~）satisfied by the beatiful（beautiful） pictures taken by others. What's the worst is that you are abandoning the real pleasure of life, seeking for the fictional delight on the Internet. Maybe in the end the posion（poison） take effect to make you lose the interest of life and give yourself up to the computer games or online chatting. As a result, you life is destoried（destroyed，亲，有一个小技巧，只有最后是辅音字母+y的情况，才会变y为i） by Internet.

In sum, this is a matter of the people's livehood（livelihood） and the society's progress, a matter that no government can afford to ignore and this view is accepted by more and more people . In this case, it's not hard to see that what people need most and use generally should be the basic construct（construction）, public transportation, rather than the subsidiray（subsidiary） product of highly developed society like the Internet.

zengyuruo

小妹妹，我觉得整篇文章结构挺清楚的，真佩服高一的小妹妹就能写的这么好。不过有几个小建议，未必对，一起讨论：
内容方面
1.分论点的组织线条更清楚一些。比如第一分论点，花了一半的篇幅说Internet在落后地区发展不足。可是这与你支持要发展public transportation并没有关系，因为落后是大力投资和发展的一个重要理由。我觉得关键点在于public transportation更加基础、影响到更多人、更有利于改善穷人生活等等 。
2.第二分论点，逻辑上也还是有点小瑕疵。并不是有人不喜欢，政府就不应该投资。试想政府修了京杭大运河，你家住在内蒙古，结果便是你缴税但不受益，照此逻辑也不公平啊。相反，即使一些人不上网，政府也可以通过投资Internet，建设smart city，惠及所有人。我觉得重点是public transportation是生活必须，而internet是可选的。
3.建议多用例子代替说理，说理多了容易有逻辑纰漏，而且说理不如例子来得直接。

表达方面：
1.单词的拼写错误比较多哦~~~亲
2.整个行文过程中，时态的变换比较少，有一些时态使用不太恰当。比如第三分论点，因为整个场景是你设想的，所以应该以虚拟语气为主。
3.作文考试尽量避免缩写（如you’ll），所有格除外。
4.我觉得妹妹比较喜欢用长句，但是全片都是长句其实不是好的写作。就像中文作文，强调长短结合一样，能简练的尽量简练。这方面通过看大家的作文，我发现也是我的一个问题。