新人whom123首次参加小分队，求狠批求指点，越狠越开心！

whom123

8.17 独立

In any kind of work, rewarding mechanism is a dispensable part in administration of the employees. Equal and subjective rewarding can not only motivate the ones who get reward, but also activate the ones who do not get reward. Teaching is not an exception. Thus, how to evaluate a teacher has been a crucial problem. And in my view, the estimation from student is more useful than the other teachers’.

Without any doubt, the students are the ones who get in touch with a teacher’s working method at the most times. No one can be more familiar with how a teacher instructs than the students. Imagine you would judge a doctor’s ability, wouldn’t you listen to the patients’ advice? People’s complishment is the most direct and the fastest reflection of their ability. And students are not only the direct persons who benefit from teachers, but also the persons who are also the teachers’ “works”. Thus, they are able to give the most precise comment on the teaching method.

The level of subject of the evaluation indeed lies on the time of being instructed, however, we should not ignore the factor of the benefit conflict among teachers. As what is mentioned above the estimate is used for rewarding. If two teachers are all coordinates for the rewarding and they are all eager to get it, it is possible that they may give unreal marks to each other. That will definitely disturb the final result. In contrast, the student will not be involved in this kind of matter. They have no benefit conflict with their teachers and will give them a suitable mark.

Furthermore, the evaluation of students show the attitude the teachers treat students. And this is also a fact which should be in consideration in rewarding, isn’t it? A teacher who has a good teaching approach may get on well with work partners, while he is not popular among students. Even though he is good at transmitting the knowledge, the efficiency of the class may be less than it should be because of their impression they make on students.

Yet the other teachers’ comments should not be abandoned. They are the ones who know more about teaching than students. Taking their evaluation into account will get a full sight about one teacher.

In all, putting students’ evaluation in a more important position is appreciative. Only in that way, can the rewarding mechanism have the best effect on a school.

lmt2011

whom123 发表于 2013-8-18 15:14
谢谢啦 咦都没有提醒现在才看到。。。

私信你你看见没？

whom123

lmt2011 发表于 2013-8-18 17:58
私信你你看见没？

已回望查~

lmt2011

[修改版~~]
8.17 独立

In any kind of work, rewarding mechanism is a dispensable part in （+the） administration of the employees. （+A +） Equal and subjective （subjective是主观哦，你这里是想指客观把？）rewarding can not only motivate the ones who get reward, but also activate the ones who do not get reward. Teaching is not an exception. Thus, how to evaluate a teacher has been a crucial problem. And in my view, the estimation from student is more useful than the other teachers’.

第一段简单描述了下背景，感觉这样充实了一点，不错~ 就是可能是限时写的把？有些词像主客观感觉用错了~

Without any doubt, the students are the ones who get in touch with a teacher’s working（teaching感觉更贴切） method at the most times.（-->总感觉这句说的不够直接贴切，接触时间最长为什么就能评判？或许可以直接说“学生是直接享受教育成果的人”之类的） No one can be more familiar with how a teacher instructs than the students. Imagine you would judge a doctor’s ability, wouldn’t you listen to the patients’ advice? （Imagine that how can you evaluate the medical skills of a doctor without listening to the patients' advice?）People’s complishment is the most direct and the fastest reflection of their ability. And students are not only the direct persons who benefit from teachers, but also the persons who are also the teachers’ “works (+for)”. Thus, they are able to give the most precise comment on the teaching method.

第二段：用医生的例子感觉挺好~~ 但是那句话写的略难懂了，呵呵~

The level of subject of the evaluation indeed lies on the time of being instructed, however, we should not ignore the factor of the benefit conflict among teachers. As what is mentioned above the estimate is used for rewarding. If two teachers are all coordinates for the rewarding and they are all eager to get it, it is possible that they may give unreal marks to each other. That will definitely disturb the final result. In contrast, the student will not be involved in this kind of matter. They have no benefit conflict with their teachers and will give them a suitable mark.

第三段：老师间有利益冲突，这理由感觉也挺strong的，最后一句可以再总结下，说所以学生评更useful。

Furthermore, the evaluation of students show the attitude the teachers treat students. And this is also a fact which should be in consideration in rewarding, isn’t it? A teacher who has a good teaching approach may get on well with work partners, while he is not popular among students. Even though he is good at transmitting the knowledge, the efficiency of the class may be less than it should be because of their impression they make on students.

第四段:呃,这段貌似没有读懂,感觉要说的意思和第二段有些重复了,学生还是直接接触的人,才能去判断教学效果

Yet the other teachers’ comments should not be abandoned. They are the ones who know more about teaching than students. Taking their evaluation into account will get a full sight about one teacher.

第五段:让步~~~理由也不错,老师是学生之外最懂教育的人`~

In all, putting students’ evaluation in a more important position is appreciative. Only in that way, can the rewarding mechanism have the best effect on a school.

结尾精炼~~感觉不错`~ 但是第五段有让步,是不是也要把让步的内容在结尾带着说一下?

summary:
全文有6段了,而且第4段和第2段感觉说的东西有交集,可以合并,显得全文更紧凑一点~~你说嘞?

qingcongll

whom123 发表于 2013-8-18 15:43
8.17 综合 TPO11

The lecture totally contradicts the opinion of the passage. There are some misunder ...

The lecture totally contradicts the opinion of the passage. There are some misunderstanding about the effect of reading less literature in this passage. The lecture explain its standpoint in three aspects.

In the first place, the passage confirm that nothing provide the intellectual stimulation other than literature does. However, the arguer seems to ignore the existance of books about science, history and some other topics. These books are also creative and able to stimulate the imagination of the readers. That is, they are beneficial to the reading public as the literature does.

Secondly, the lecture points out that the culture decline, what is said in the passage, has never happened. Instead there are so many valuable medium now, such as music and movie. Is that someone stands down listening to a beautiful song or watching a great movie a matter of wasting time?(这里直接说waste time就好） Of course not.  It can give us spiritual comfort as well as aesthetic appreciation, which never lowered our cultural standard.

Furthermore, the fact that there is no enough support for literature is not the fault of reader, but the fault of author. Novels, plays and poems today are difficult to understand than the ones before. Without a intellectual understanding, readers are not willing to read those books. In contrast, the literature books in the past are much more easier to be understood. This is something that the writers must think over.
总体来说问题不大，注意语法和用词拼写等小错误

whom123

qingcongll 发表于 2013-8-18 21:35
The lecture totally contradicts the opinion of the passage. There are some misunderstanding about  ...

谢谢你的批改~

whom123

8.18 独立
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than to older
people.

With the increasing development of different sorts of medium, influence that the celebrities make on society has been much more significant than any time before. When it comes to the discussion of celebrities, people often argue about the impact of their opinions on different groups of people. Some believe celebrities’ opinions play a more important role on young people than the older ones, while some do contradict the former. As to myself, I agree with the first view.

Young people always pay more attention to celebrities than the older and this is a fact that no one will cast doubt on. They chase the stars, no matter they are versatile at sports or arts. As an old saying goes, “Love me, love my dog.” When young people come to care about the celebrities, there is unavoidable that the behavior, dress and thoughts of the celebrities will have effect on their daily lives. Some of them even mimic all the dress style, favorable food and sports of their idols. In contrast, there are few older adults who will do like that.

Furthermore, young people are at the time of struggle, which is different from the older ones. Many older people is likely to have a stable family, income and social state. However, most of young people still have a long way to go and much potential to be used. And also, many of them have big dreams. Taking all of that into consideration, young persons will definitely have a more desirable mental need to be activated and encouraged. And the celebrities, many of whom are successful at an early age, are often the lights of many ambitious people. Their experience and views about success are always used by young people to direct their journeys to destination.

Besides, young people are lack of life experience and ability of independent thinking. Thus, when problems come, such as emotional problems, they will prefer to find someone who is similar to them to find solution instead of working out it by themselves. At this time, the entertainers and athletes, who are at young age as well and have a bright appearance, are more welcomed by young people to be their communication parteners. Hence, they are depended more on the celebrities’ opinion. Nevertheless, the older ones who get a lot of experience about life would like to think how to solve problems alone.

As a person who is watched every day by public, the celebrities’ unwitting view may rise a heated contemplate wave in people of the society, no matter the young or the old. Since they are so significant in affecting the society’s view, they should careful about every sentence and word.

Yet the majority of people who care about celebrities are the young, we can get the conclusion that celebrities’ opinions are playing a more compound impact on them than on the old.

whom123

8.18 综合 tpo12

The lecture absolutely disagrees with the opinion of the passage. And it contradicts the evidence of proving the girl in portrait is Austen given in the passage one by one as follows.

First, the passage says that Austen's family gave permission to use the portrait as an illustration in a edition of her letters in 1882. However, it was the time when Austen was dead for almost 70 years, which means no one in the family had ever seen Austen before. In fact, they didn't know whether it was Austen or not for certain. Thus this so-called provence is less than plausible.

Second, the lecture  points out that there were so many female teenagers in Austen's big family. And also, it is quite possible that there were some of the relatives of Austen who resembls her a lot. So the claim that the girl in portrait is Austen because she resembles the sketch of Cassandra is not sound. Apart from that, it has been found that one girl called Marian in the family really resembles the girl in portrait. She is more likely to be the girl in the portrait.

Furthermore, the evidence that the painting was painted when Austen was a teenager was less than convincable. The campus of this portrait was discovered to be sold  by a merchant named William. But he didn't sell campus until Austen was 27, who was not a teenager any more. Hence this strongly disputes the view of passage as well.

whom123

lmt2011 发表于 2013-8-18 20:11
[修改版~~]
8.17 独立

谢谢中肯的意见！~ 好多地方我很同意啊。。。

laneesherry

为了防止忘记我先在这里mark下……
同学我们是互改18号的作文，我现在正在写，稍后上传之后帮你改

========================================

蓝色的地方是个人意见及建议
红色的地方是强烈建议修改的地方
黄色高亮是个人认为用得比较好的好词好句


8.18 独立
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than to older
people.

With the increasing development of different sorts of medium, influence that the celebrities make on society has been much more significant than any time before.(入题句很亮！）When it comes to the discussion of celebrities, people often argue about the impact of their opinions on different groups of people. Some believe celebrities’ opinions play a more important role on young people than the older ones, while some do contradict the former. As to myself（之前没有见过这样的用法，大多是“As for me”“when it comes to myself”,如果同学认为这样写没有问题的话可以无视掉这一条）, I agree with the first view.（稍微有些指代不明，阐述观点句建议最好还是直接说清楚自己的立场。）

Young people always pay more attention to celebrities than the older and this is a fact that no one will cast doubt on.（此句为分论点的主题句，加上这半句之后显得有些啰嗦，建议缩为一个单句或直接删去） They chase the stars, no matter they are versatile at sports or arts. As an old saying goes, “Love me, love my dog.” When young people come to care about the celebrities, there is unavoidable that the behavior, dress and thoughts of the celebrities will have effect on their daily lives. Some of them even mimic all the dress style, favorable food and sports of their idols. In contrast, there are few older adults who will do like that.（本段的观点是年轻人对于名人更加关注，用一个名言和一些泛泛的现象作为例证，个人感觉说服力方面不是很高。建议举一些更加具体深化的例子）

Furthermore, young people are at the time of struggle, which is different from the older ones. Many older people is（are) likely to have a stable family, income and social state. However, most of young people still have a long way to go and much potential to be used. And also, many of them have big dreams. Taking all of that into consideration, young persons will definitely have a more desirable mental need to be activated and encouraged. And the celebrities, many of whom are successful at an early age, are often the lights of many ambitious people. Their experience and views about success are always used by young people to direct their journeys to destination.（本段为纯说理段，建议在其中加上具体例子。另外就是前面标蓝的部分说年轻人怎样怎样稍微有点啰嗦，建议一句话带过，比如说：Unlike the older, most young people do not have a stable family and  still need to struggle for their dream of success. Thus, the celebrities, XXXXXXX）

Besides, young people are lack of life experience and ability of independent thinking. Thus, when problems come, such as emotional problems（情绪问题？这句话和这个词看得不是很懂）, they will prefer to find someone who is similar to them to find solution instead of working out it by themselves. At this time, the entertainers and athletes, who are at young age as well and have a bright appearance, are more welcomed by young people to be their communication parteners. Hence, they are depended more on the celebrities’ opinion. Nevertheless, the older ones who get a lot of experience about life would like to think how to solve problems alone.（同样是例证的问题，建议缩减说理的部分，加上详细的具体例证。）

As a person who is watched every day by public, the celebrities’ unwitting view may rise a heated contemplate wave in people of the society, no matter the young or the old. Since they are so significant in affecting the society’s view, they should careful about every sentence and word.（本段算是第四个分论点吗？如果是的话展开的不够充分。）

Yet（yet通常表否定的转折，楼主这前句话和后半句并不是这种关系，读起来有些奇怪） the majority of people who care about celebrities are the young, we can get the conclusion that celebrities’ opinions are playing a more compound impact on them than on the old.


整体印象：
1.这篇文章最大的问题是缺乏具体的例子，显得说理非常不充分，这在托福作文中是比较吃亏的。
2.希望楼主多注重逻辑连词的使用，本文中“and”稍微有点多。
3.文章里面偶尔会发现一些小的语法错误，楼主写的时候要注意

请继续加油~~~