181,高手走过,路过且进来坐坐,帮我看看吧

flywood

大家帮我看看,我已经修改过一次了,我考过T,作文是5分,对我的申请学校太少了,至少要有5.5,恳请大家多多提意见

181.发展房子和工业还是保留自然的那题

Natural condition, housing and industry are the essential needs for any individual and have great impact on people’s daily life. So people feel difficulty to make a decision when facing the issue as to whether the land should be left in its natural condition or be developed for housing and industry. After pondering this question in many occasions, I strongly support to keep the land in its natural condition and elaborate my view as follows.

The chief reason that can be presented to develop my position is that natural condition will contribute significantly to the health of people. Keeping the land in their natural condition means a good environment for human being. The fresh air would enable people to avoid various medical problems, thus greatly improving the health of people. Obviously, keeping more land for its natural condition is the desirable choice for a country.

The second reason to support my view is that the country will benefit from the natural condition in the long run. For example, the saved natural condition will attract to more travelers to pay a visit to our country and bring a huge profits from it. In addition, more and more companies set up branches in our country to engage in various business activities thanks to the beautiful landscape of nature. Both of these vividly present the advantages of the keeping the land for its natural condition.

Admittedly, there is no denying that housing and industry indeed provide more job opportunities or income for people. However, nobody can ignore that agrarian land is diminishing and the sky is no longer clear in some region due to overused the land. Human beings have only one earth and limited natural resource. Shouldn’t we protect our natural condition first?

In conclusion, according to what I present above, natural condition will provide a lot of benefits for a country. Therefore, people can not use up all the natural resources. We should leave what we inherit form our ascendants to our descendant.

guandream

以下是引用flywood在2004-12-15 7:14:00的发言：

大家帮我看看,我已经修改过一次了,我考过T,作文是5分,对我的申请学校太少了,至少要有5.5,恳请大家多多提意见

181.发展房子和工业还是保留自然的那题

Natural condition, housing and industry are the essential needs for any individual and have great impact on people’s daily life. (the idea of this sentence is ok, but its structure is a little big akward to me) So people feel difficulty to make a decision when facing the issue as to whether the land should be left in its natural condition or be developed for housing and industry. After pondering this question in many occasions, I strongly support to keep the land in its natural condition and elaborate my view as follows.

The chief reason that can be presented to develop my position is that natural condition will contributes significantly to the health of people. Keeping the land in their natural condition means a good environment for human being. The fresh air would enables people to avoid various medical problems, thus greatly improving the health of people. Obviously, keeping more land for its natural condition is the desirable choice for a country.

The second reason to support my view is that the country will benefit from the natural condition in the long run. For example, the saved natural condition will attract to more travelers to pay a visit to our country and bring a huge profits from it. In addition, more and more companies set up branches in our country to engage in various business activities thanks to the beautiful landscape of nature. Both of these vividly present the advantages of the keeping the land for its natural condition.

Admittedly, there is no denying that housing and industry indeed provide more job opportunities or income for people. However, nobody can ignore that agrarian land is diminishing and the sky is no longer clear in some region due to overused the land. Human beings have only one earth and limited natural resource. Shouldn’t we protect our natural condition first?

In conclusion, according to what I present above, natural condition will provide a lot of benefits for a country. Therefore, people can not use up all the natural resources(in this essay, you are discussing the use of the land, but the conclusion is about the general concept--the natural resources). We should leave what we inherit form our ascendants to our descendant.

the whole essay is good, but inside the paragraphs, the connection of sentences seems not strong enough to put ideas together. also, when you give some samples, they are listed but not detailed or analysized.(it is common problem for the those whose first language is not English.)

there is some advice:

1.when you are practicing, emphasis on the paragraph. you donot have any problem for the organization of the whole essay, and you can express your ideas in English, but detailed sentences need to be stengthened.

2. read some native editorial or NN's essays.