Issue 28求意见

dreamery88

请大家看看以下这篇有哪些明显的错误，写作方向有什么大问题吗？能拿到什么样的分数？

28. The surest indicator of a great nation is represented not by the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists, but by the general welfare of its people. (170)

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.  




I partly agree with the statement that the general welfare of people is a significant indicator for a great nation. Other indicators for example the achievements of the rulers, artists and scientists, however, could also be referred to when we define a great nation.

Admittedly, the general welfare of people is one of the essential considerations for those nations who could be called great. After all, the final destination of a nation is to contend people’s elementary demands and improve their living standards, which is just the welfare of people. If a nation fails to guarantee their people’s general welfare, it could not be regarded as great even though it might has cultivated innumerous eminent scientists and leaders. One paradigmatic example is the Former Soviet Union, who has obtained prosperous achievements in the field of military and science but fails to guarantee people’s welfare and finally fails to sustain its existence at the end. For another instance, could the Hitler ruled Germany be considered as a great nation? The answer is obviously no, for that it leaves the people in anxiety and danger even though its splendid achievements in some other fields especially for military. As can be seen from the above instances, those nations who pay little emphasis on peoples’ welfare could not advance stably and have considerably high possibilities to experience an innovation for their entire society.

Meanwhile, however, not only can the nations care about their peoples’ welfare, but also they should stress their development of some essential fields such as science, art and government, because some aspects of developments of nations is more appropriate to be evaluated on this indicators. For example, when people evaluate the nations’ level of science, it is more likely people would concentrate on the nation’s eminent scientists and their publications on authorized journal , rather than take the scientific knowledge of normal people as indicator. To this point, for the purpose to achieve a greatness, a nation should also pay emphasis on the cultivation of these experts, who could also be viewed as important indicator when evaluate a nation.

Finally, the achievements of some individuals, in fact, are not contradicted to the general welfare of people. Instead, they even promote each other if they could be well balanced. It is easy to expect a higher level in health care if the medical scientists have made lots of achievements for the nation. People could also have more opportunities to enjoy the outstanding arts if lots of notable artists live in their neighborhood. Considering the heal care and spiritual life are crucial welfare for the people, we can confidently conclude that the achievements of some individuals actually boost the general welfare of people and further contribute to a great nation.

Taking all the above into consideration, general welfare and achievements of some individuals are both necessary indicators for a great nation. They do not exist as a contradiction but as a union with intractable relationship. To achieve a greatness, it cannot be better to make a balance on these two aspects.

竹林中人

contend people’s elementary demands
not only can the nations care about their peoples’ welfare, but also they ？not only……but also 的用法，要注意主语的位置特点，主语一致的时候，主语在前面

竹林中人

你如何the surest？

dreamery88

你的意思是这样改吗？
The nations could not only care about their peoples’ welfare, but also stress their development of some essential fields such as science, art and government.
一下表述不正确吗？
not only can the nations care about their peoples’ welfare, but also stress their development of some essential fields such as science, art and government.

还有contend people's elementary demands 这种表述有什么问题呢？请指点一二哈》

dreamery88

The general welfare is a significant  consideration, but far from the surest indicator. Actually, there are some other indicators that could be employed to define a great nation.
如果用这句话作为观点的话算是明确的position吗？只是否定题目中的surest，提出还有其他的consideration，但并没有提出自己认为的surest indicator，这样写会不会让ets认为主旨不明确呢？
多谢指导！