issue3...求批改。。辛苦

JCBrenda

28. The surest indicator of a great nation isrepresented not by the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists,but by the general welfare of its people.

Write a response in which you discuss theextent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain yourreasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting yourposition, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might nothold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.
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Thespeaker asserts that a great nation can be defined by the general welfare ofits people, not the achievements of its ruler, artists, or scientists. Istrongly agree that the happier people become, the greater the nation is, whichcan be substantiated by the following discussions. Nevertheless, theachievements of its rulers, artists and scientists also make contributions forthe progress of a greater nation.

Ofcourse, the great country has to do with its people's welfare. The task of anation is to bring about advance of its people's happiness, if miss which, peoplewho cannot survive no more will at last try their best to break down thisauthority. Consider the North Korea, a "great" country with only a"great" leader. The leader has a good life while all people are hardto survive and the rest of the world teases and overlooks its civilians, makingthem no dignity. Is a country a great nation with people not being blessed withdignity and essential resources?
And,a single celebrity is unlikely to establish a nation at one time. Thedefinition of a great nation can be decided by a large quantity of aspects, suchas prosperous economy, advanced technology and inspiring arts. A large numberof people spend quite a long time making researches and quitting their leisuretime. At different times, at different places, people of the same nation do thedifferent thing with the same purpose, making a nation get greater. So, asingle man is unable to reach this level of development.

Onthe other hand, the speaker ignores the fact that the strength of a sole man doesbenefit the whole country. Unless its rulers, artists and scientists achieve alot, a nation cannot become greater.
Scientistspropel this technology to today’s level. Bell invented the telephone to propelinteraction of the world. Steve Jobs make the best use of his talents andcreativity in order to make it a more aesthetic and multi-functional product.And in the future, who will perfect people enjoying taking calls to make thenation a better one? Also, in business, managers make investments to increaseGDP. Managers create different kinds of brands to enrich people’s daily lifeand choices. Managers establish companies and save the falling rate ofemployment. As a single man realize his goals, he mutually promote the wholenation.

In sum, welfare of people is the key being agreat nation, also a work of each single achiever. A nation provides resourcesfor common people with the hope of contributing. Mutually, achievers supplytheir results to urge the progress of a great nation, which boost the welfareof all people.

普渡哥

这篇文章逻辑关系不是特别清晰，段落可以调整清楚，不要让读者的思维太跳跃。

竹林中人

我感觉LZ完全没必要把题目涉及到的要素再去加工处理下，反而显得有些不够集中准确。The speaker asserts that a great nation can be defined by the generalwelfare ofits people, not the achievements of its ruler, artists, orscientists. LZ有点曲解了，题目是说surest indicator，而并没有完全否定， the happier people become, thegreater the nation is，你等同地认为民众福利越好民众越幸福，这点也显得有些武断。

JCBrenda

把讨论伟人成就是否能决定一个国家的伟大的部分调整到一起是否好一点呢？