TWE菜鸟,跪求各位斑竹和高手指教!

zhuangyuchuan

先谢谢四大斑竹了:pengstone likui Soaring_2004 guandream 还有各位twe高手们!!

作文题: People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

  

       Nowadays, attending college has become increasingly popular. It is common phenomena if you go to college that college students have to wait a long line for a meal in the cafeteria and rush to a favorable position for classes. The college accommodates more people than it used to be. Why more people flood into college or what appeal so many people to exert their utmost to go to college?

       Owning a higher education seems to be a guarantee to a better job in modern society which should be a major reason. Most companys even some small companys provide jobs or vacancies for candidates who are qualified with a bachelor’s degree at lest. For example, wangli, a friend of mine, only took a low-paid job six years ago while he just graduated from high school, he found that it was hard to compete with those college graduates ,so he try his best to enter a college. Last year he graduated from a famous college and easily found a decent job. That’s what a part of people attend college for.

       Moreover, to learn more knowledge and technique is another reason for some people. It can broad our eyesight by informing us with lots of new things what we cannot gain from our common life or experience. It can be shown in one case of my college classmate. Zhangling came from a poor countryside, he had a little knowledge of the new technology. He was eighteen years old before he first saw a computer in college. What a big surprise to him is that he found he can talk to people far from him by a computer which is so common for a city boy. That’s just only one of what attending college brings to him.

        Last but not least one is that people have a good opportunity of experiencing a colorful college life which they cannot go through in other places. Intense study aside, you can take part in a lot of activities in the college with other students. You can meet new people and make friends with them. The experience of wangtao is a good case in point. He told me that study for a better life is his sole aim before he go to college, he changed a lot after entering the college. He played with his friends and overcome some difficulties by the aid of his friend , which let him know what friendship and team work really mean. He really enjoys the happiness of college life.

        No matter what reason people attend college for, admittedly, exert their utmost to go to college is being regarded as a significant life experience for most of the people.

likui

第一托福作文顶格写，每一段空一行。

Nowadays, attending college has become increasingly popular. It is (a) common phenomena (that) if you go to college that college students have to wait a long line for a meal in the cafeteria and rush to a favorable position for classes. The college accommodates more people than it used to be. Why (do) more people flood into college or what appeal (appeals) so many people to exert their utmost to go to college?  

Owning a higher education seems to be a guarantee to a better job in modern society which should be a major reason. (which 指代什么呢？在GMAT语法里是不能指代句子的，所以这里总觉得不爽；换个句型也不影响“复杂度”的。A major reason，I think，is that owning a higher education seems to be a guarantee of a better job in modern society.) Most companys (companies) even some small companys (companies) provide jobs or vacancies for candidates who are qualified with a bachelor’s degree at lest (at least). For example, wangli (Wang Li), a friend of mine, only took a low-paid job six years ago while (when) he just graduated from high school, (.) He found that it was hard to compete with those college graduates, so he try (tried) his best to enter a college. Last year he graduated from a famous college and easily found a decent job. That’s what a part of people attend college for.

Moreover, to learn more knowledge and technique is another reason for some people. It can broad our eyesight by informing us with lots of new things what we cannot gain from our common life or experience. It can be shown in one case of my college classmate. Zhangling (Zhang Ling) came from a poor countryside, he had a little knowledge of the new technology. (这里并列句不如用从句；countryside比较宽泛，我个人意见country就足够了；新科技，不用特指，去掉the；Zhang Ling, who came from a poor country, had a little knowledge of new technology.) He was eighteen years old before (when) he first saw a computer in college. What a big surprise to him is that he found he can (could) talk to people far from him by a computer which is so common for a city (urban) boy. That’s just only one of what attending college brings to him.

Last but not least (last but not least常被用来做adv，而不是adj.) one is that people have a good opportunity of experiencing (to experience) a colorful college life which they cannot go through in other places. Intense study aside, you can take part in a lot of activities in the college with other students. You can meet new people and make friends with them. The experience of wangtao (Wang Tao) is a good case in point. He told me that study for a better life is his sole aim before he go (went) to college, he changed a lot after entering he entered the college. He played with his friends and overcome (overcame) some difficulties by the aid of his friend (friends), which (还是那个which指代问题，我建议保险起见，另起一句，改成Certain experience lets--)let him know what friendship and team work really mean. He really enjoys the happiness of college life.

        

No matter what reason people attend college for, admittedly, exert their utmost to go to college is being regarded as a significant life experience for most of the people.

这里举例都用自己的同学感觉有点，事不过三，我觉得第三个Wang Tao的就可以省了。

写的不错，what句式用的不错，赞！

[此贴子已经被作者于2004-11-18 20:09:43编辑过]

zhuangyuchuan

非常感谢likui斑竹了,看来小弟还有很多地方改进,尤其是语法和时态方面要加强,不过我还是有点疑惑,关于Which的指代问题,真的用which 就不行吗,如过不能用,但还是想用定语从句或复合句表达上面的句子该怎么改,忘斑竹和各位高手再指教一下!

zhoushao

同意kuikui的说法，偶乍一看，以为which是指待society，反映一下，仔细看看猜明白你想用它来指待句子，其实再我们中国的考试中，对这个是成立的，但是TOEFL和GMAT中，确实不好，语法成立可读起来就感觉不地道，而且想想，ETS每天改卷，尤其是作文，她只看结构，再读读句子，尤其是首句，很重要，要是读得不通，肯定不会给高分。还是多多模仿一下那些好文章的句子，还有twe区提供的一些经典文章，看看他们怎么写，毕竟这是给外国人看，思维思路和我们还是有一些差别的。

偶建议那句改为the foremost/major/essential reason is that......这种好点

Owning a higher education seems to be a guarantee to a better job in modern society

这句感觉说得没底气，这样可不可以，owning a higher is one of the most important factors to find a execllent job.

在让friendGG。pengstoneGG们看看吧

[此贴子已经被作者于2004-11-19 8:23:10编辑过]

zhuangyuchuan

先谢谢紫可爱斑竹了!!我会继续改进的!

pengstone

最近被申请搞得苦不堪言，无法细看各位的文章了。

不管楼主是笔考还是机考，有些笔误（如companys）平时就要注意，要不然到了考试就改不掉了。

楼主的开头俺很欣赏，但如果考试也这样写，可能会有一点点风险，因为整段你没表明全篇的总论点。建议看看胡敏的高分作文一书中的有关中式写作与美式写作的内容。

三个例子都写自己身边的人可能不太合适

以上建议供参考。