[求助]twe 023 恳请大家帮助修改，多谢谢

violetsapphire

23.Teenagers have jobs while they are still students.Do you think is a good idea?

    It is a constant debate as to whether teenagers should have jobs while they are still students in our daily lives. As far as I convinced I think it is a good idea to offer to offer them some jobs and the reasons are given below.

    First and foremost, students could earn some money which are both benefit for their families and themselves form jobs. The economic pressure of  their families will be reduced if students get some pay for their tuition and rents, thereby, enhancing affection between students and their families. Besides of this, students could acquire some knowledge from the books that they purchase with their salaries. In addition, students can enjoy numerous funnies form travels that are afforded by their wages. Obviously, I suggest that teenagers get jobs when they are students.

    Another reason for my views is that students are going to distribute their time effectively and know how to communicate with others form works. For instance, if a good deal of  tasks has to be done in limited time, students must plan which jobs are most difficult to do, which ones should be done firstly,etc. Furthermore, they would try to talk with different workmates in various ways. Hence, students' skills of utilizing time and communicating will be enhanced lightly.

    Last but not least, large numbers of experiences are essential to students' futures. These experiences provide them some information when they select their majors at universities could be got form their jobs. What is more important the studies of majors are preparations for students to find excellent jobs quickly after graduation in future. The more experiences students take, the more chance of wonderful jobs they get. Therefore, teenagers ought to get more experiences as much as they can when they are young.

  To sum up, based on three reasons I presented above, jobs give youngs a lot of advantages. Thus I think teenagers have jobs while they are still students is a good idea.

版主gg说我的结尾和语言运用不是很好，可不可以以这篇文章，给我做个范例，我在这里先给帮我修改的ggmm鞠躬了。

[此贴子已经被作者于2004-11-13 13:58:28编辑过]

pengstone

以下是引用violetsapphire在2004-11-13 13:58:00的发言：

23.Teenagers have jobs while they are still students.Do you think is a good idea?

    It is a constant debate as to whether teenagers should have jobs while they are still students in our daily lives. As far as I convinced ？？I think it is a good idea to offer to offer them some jobs and the reasons are given below.

    First and foremost, students could earn some money which are both benefit （are beneficial both）for their families and （for）themselves form jobs. The economic pressure of  their families will be reduced if students get some pay for their tuition and rents, thereby, enhancing affection between students and their families. Besides of this, students could acquire some knowledge from the books that they purchase with their salaries. In addition, students can enjoy numerous funnies form travels that are afforded by their wages. Obviously, I suggest that teenagers get jobs when they are students.

    Another reason for my views is that students are going to distribute (allocate)their time effectively and know how to communicate with others form works. For instance, if a good deal ??of  tasks has to be done in limited time, students must plan which jobs are most difficult to do, which ones should be done firstly,etc. Furthermore, they would try to talk with different workmates in various ways. Hence, students' skills of utilizing time and communicating will be enhanced lightly.

    Last but not least, large numbers of experiences (这样的搭配有点怪)are essential to students' futures. These experiences provide them （provide sb with sth）some information when they select their majors at universities could be got form their jobs. 整句话有问题，好像有两个谓语　What is more important the studies of majors are preparations for students to find excellent jobs quickly after graduation in future. The more experiences students take, the more chance of wonderful jobs they get. Therefore, teenagers ought to get more experiences as much as they can when they are young.

  To sum up, based on three reasons I presented above, jobs give youngs a lot of advantages. Thus I think teenagers have jobs while they are still students is a good idea.

版主gg说我的结尾和语言运用不是很好，可不可以以这篇文章，给我做个范例，我在这里先给帮我修改的ggmm鞠躬了。

感觉这一篇还不如上一篇，错误明显增多。写的时候还是要仔细点。

violetsapphire

谢谢版主给我修改，我又改了改，麻烦您再帮我check 一下，非常感谢。

我也觉得结尾有点单薄，斑竹有没有好一点的结尾建议（例如这篇文章）？？？

    It is a constant debate as to whether teenagers should have jobs while they are still students in our daily lives. As far as I concerned I think it is a good idea to offer to offer them some jobs and the reasons are given below.

    First and foremost, students could earn some money which are beneficial both for their families and for themselves. The economic pressure of  their families will be reduced if students get some pay for their tuition and rents, thereby, enhancing affection between students and their families. Besides, students could acquire some knowledge from the books that they purchase with their salaries. In addition, students can enjoy numerous funnies form travels that are afforded by their wages. Obviously, I suggest that teenagers get jobs when they are students.

    Another reason for my views is that students are going to allocate their time effectively and know how to communicate with others form works. For instance, if various tasks has to be done in limited time, students must plan which jobs are most difficult to do, which ones should be done firstly,etc. Furthermore, they would try to talk with different workmates in various ways. Hence, students' skills of utilizing time and communicating will be enhanced lightly.

    Last but not least,  experiences are essential to students' futures. These experiences provide them with some significant information when they select their majors at universities . In the same manner, studies of majors are preparations for students to find excellent jobs quickly after graduation in future. The more experiences students take, the more chance of wonderful jobs they get. Therefore, teenagers ought to get more experiences as much as they can when they are young.

  To sum up, based on three reasons I presented above, jobs give youngs a lot of advantages. Thus I think teenagers have jobs while they are still students is a good idea.

pengstone

以下是引用violetsapphire在2004-11-14 13:37:00的发言：

谢谢版主给我修改，我又改了改，麻烦您再帮我check 一下，非常感谢。

我也觉得结尾有点单薄，斑竹有没有好一点的结尾建议（例如这篇文章）？？？

    It is a constant debate as to whether teenagers should have jobs while they are still students in our daily lives. As far as I (am)concerned I think it is a good idea to offer to offer them some jobs and the reasons are given below.

    First and foremost, students could earn some money which are beneficial both for their families and for themselves. The economic pressure of  their families will be reduced if students get some pay for their tuition and rents, thereby, enhancing affection between students and their families. Besides, students could acquire some knowledge from the books that they purchase with their salaries. In addition, students can enjoy numerous funnies (这里应该用fun)form travels that are afforded by their wages. Obviously, I suggest that teenagers get jobs when they are students.

    Another reason for my views is that students are going to allocate their time effectively and know how to communicate with others form works. For instance, if various tasks has to be done in limited time, students must plan which jobs are most difficult to do, which ones should be done firstly,etc. Furthermore, they would try to talk with different workmates in various ways. Hence, students' skills of utilizing time and communicating will be enhanced lightly.

    Last but not least,  experiences are essential to students' futures. These experiences provide them with some significant information when they select their majors at universities . In the same manner, studies of majors are preparations for students to find excellent jobs quickly after graduation in future. The more experiences students take, the more chance of wonderful jobs they get. Therefore, teenagers ought to get more experiences as much as they can when they are young.

  To sum up, based on three reasons I presented above, jobs give youngs a lot of advantages. Thus I think teenagers have jobs while they are still students is a good idea.

结尾大致有两种好的写法。１、先进行一点让步分析（即admittedly分析），然后再次强调你的结论。２、是将你的三个理由进行概括，最后得出结论。如果想省事，也可参照一些模板的结尾写法。

violetsapphire

非常谢谢版主的修改。