[求助]TWE165（修改过，烦请各位NN再批）

princessd

下周考啊！

165.         You have decided to give several hours of your time each month to improve the community where you live. What is one thing you will do to improve your community? Why? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice.

There is a good relationship between the old men of our community and me all the time. Most of these old men are living alone. When I talked with them, I felt their deep loneliness. So I choose to spend my time staying with these old men helping them to study how to use the computer. And I would like to confirmed you that it is a great idea.

What is the greatest difficulty that old men face? Time is precious for them , meanwhile time is too much to be spent. They have no work; they have no plenty of energy to travel everywhere; they even have no one to speak to. So they could use the boring time to study a definitely new thing such as computer.

The computer would make the lives of the old men colorful and interesting. Not only could the old men play chess, draw paintings with the computer, but they also could buy things they favorite, get the newest news on the websites. Even if an old man is paralysed, he still can do almost everything he wants to through the computer and internet.

Moreover, computer might be a tie which associates the old men with their families. As an illustration, the old men can get in touch with the children from all parts of the world at any time through computer network. They can also consult their grandson the use of the computer.

There are still many other reasons that can account for my fondness for the idea about teaching the old men of our community to use the computer. I am sure that will bright the lives of the old men, and our community will be more harmony.

[此贴子已经被作者于2004-11-12 10:30:05编辑过]

soaring

以下是引用princessd在2004-11-10 1:14:00的发言：

下周考啊！

There is a good relationship between the old men of our community and me all the time. Most of these old men are living alone. When I talked with them, I felt their deep loneliness. So I choose to spend my time staying with these old men （用代词代就可以了）helping them to study how to use the computer. And I would like to confirmed（词形错误） you that it is a great idea.

What is the greatest difficulty that old men face? Time is precious for them , meanwhile time is too much to be spent. They have no work; they have no plenty of energy to travel everywhere; they even have no one to speak to. So they could use the boring time to study a definitely new thing such as computer.（这一段逻辑立场不对）

The computer would make the lives of the old men colorful and interesting. Not only could the old men play chess, draw paintings with the computer, but they also could buy things they favorite, get the newest news on the websites. Even if an old man is paralysed, he still can do almost everything he wants to through the computer and internet.

Moreover, computer might be a tie which associates the old men with their families. As an illustration, the old men can get in touch with the children from all parts of the world at any time through computer network. They can also consult their grandson the use of the computer.

There are still many other reasons that can account for my fondness for the idea about teaching the old men of our community to use the computer. I am sure that will bright the lives of the old men, and our community will be more harmony.

首先一点建议：MM以后把题目请一并贴出

感觉逻辑有点混乱，尤其第二段，位置不对

各段的论证理由也不充分，这个是小事，但是结构很成问题，感觉没有结尾。。。

语言方面……

建议MM多参考一下置顶的范文以及讨论，先熟悉TWE的结构和套路

good luck~!

princessd

Elle_忙并快乐着所言极是，但还是让我冒了好几天冷汗。修改了一下，厚颜地贴上来，望继续指教！

Devoting a few hours to some community activities is an important way to contribute for improving the community.There are many old men living in our community. When I talked with them, I felt their deep loneliness. So I would be glad to share my spare time with these old men helping them to study how to use the computer. And I would like to confirm you that it is a great idea.

Firstly，studying a definitely new thing makes the old age more easier to be spent. Mr. Zhang,a neighbor of mine is a case in point. Owing to his retirement ,he has no work to do.At the same time, his health status does not permit him to travel everywhere.The worst thing is that his children are all abroad,so he even has not a single person whom can talk to.However,what mentioned above was the situation before Mr. Zhang got a computer. Now he is absorbed in the computer’s studying and operation instead of always complaining to me of life’s boredom.  

Secondly,the computer would make the lives of the old men colorful and interesting. Not only could the old men play chess, draw paintings with the computers, but they also could buy the things they favor, get the latest news on the websites. Even if an old man is paralysed, he still can do almost everything he wants to through the computer and internet.

Moreover, the computer might be a tie which associates the old men with their families. As an illustration, the old men can get in touch with the children from all parts of the world at any time through the computer network. The messages got from the web might increase the talking topics between the old men and the others of the family.

Given all these points above,studying for the basic operation of computer is benificial to the old men.Accordingly,my idea of teaching the old men of our community to use the computer is meaningful. I am sure it will bright the lives of the old men, and our community will be more and more harmonious.

[此贴子已经被作者于2004-11-12 10:43:26编辑过]

guandream

以下是引用princessd在2004-11-12 10:26:00的发言：

Elle_忙并快乐着所言极是，但还是让我冒了好几天冷汗。修改了一下，厚颜地贴上来，望继续指教！

Devoting a few hours to some community activities is an important way to contribute to for improving the community.There are many old men living in our community. When I talked with many old men living in this community them, I felt their deep loneliness. So I would be glad to share my spare time with these old men and help helping them to study how to use the computer. And I would like to confirm you that it is a great idea.

Firstly，studying a definitely new thing makes the old age more easier to be spent. Mr. Zhang,a neighbor of mine is a case in point. Owing to his retirement ,he has no work to do.At the same time, his health status does not permit him to travel everyanywhere.The worst thing is that his children are all abroad,so he even has not a single person whom he can talk to.However,what mentioned above was the situation before Mr. Zhang got studied a computer. Now he is absorbed in the computer’s studying and operation instead of always complaining to me of life’s boredom.  

Secondly,the computer would make the lives of the old men colorful and interesting. Not only could the old men play chess, draw paintings with the computers, but they also could buy the things they favor, get the latest news on the websites. Even if an old man is paralysed, he still can do almost everything he wants to through the computer and internet.(good language)

Moreover, the computer might be a tie which associates the old men with their families. As an illustration, the old men can get in touch with the children from all parts of the world at any time through the computer network. The messages got from the web might increase the talking topics between the old men and the others of the family.

Given all these points above,studying for the basic operation of computer is benificial to the old men.Accordingly,my idea of teaching the old men of our community to use the computer is meaningful. I am sure it will bright the lives of the old men, and our community will be more and more harmonious. (good conclusion)

your language seems to fluctuate in two extreme direction. when I read the first paragraph, I though that the essay was about 4.0. but the rest of paragraphs told me that your language is good.

the topic is about a volunteer in your community. but your essay is about how important the computer is. Perhaps, you can support your theme in this way, but it is not strong enough. if I wrote this topic, I would mention two aspects: how important (you already did), and how can you do that.

practice makes perfect.

princessd

非常感谢！我属于写文章进入状态比较慢的那种人，汗！

soaring

没关系，加油~加油~

谢谢guandreamGG的仔细批改

pengstone

以下是引用princessd在2004-11-12 12:37:00的发言：
非常感谢！我属于写文章进入状态比较慢的那种人，汗！

呵呵，那就想办法在考试前热热身吧