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第一篇作文,请各位前辈多指正.谢谢

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楼主
发表于 2004-11-4 11:25:00 | 只看该作者

第一篇作文,请各位前辈多指正.谢谢

实在很烂,请各位前辈多指教,并指正.谢谢


能那几分?


题目N16:It has recently been announced that a new restaurant may be built in your neighborbood ,do you support or oppose this plan?why?use specific raasons and details to support your answer.



It has recently been announced that a new restaurant may be built in my neighborbood.In my opinion,I definitely disagree with this plan.I can list so many disadvantages of the proposal that here just mention three of them.


Obviously,building a new restaurant means taking additional noise to the daily lives of neighborhood,Neighborhood is the place where people enjoy lives with their family,and also It is the community that provide peaceful and beautiful environment .I can not imagine when you sit at home after a whole day's work,you still hear the noisy music ,the laughts and speaking come from the restaurant nearby.influence


Besides the noise polution,the pollution of the air is the another problemt ,Not only can restaurant provide the delicious cuisine but the polluted water and hot oily air from the kitchen,Moreover all of this break the biologic balance  which exist in the community formerly and lead to the unstable changes with unexpected consequence,For example,once a famous chinese restaurant opened in my neighborhood,thought the owner invited many celebrities to join the opening ceremony,it can not prevend the people nearby writing complain letters about the pollution to Municiple Government.


Thirdly,the commercial area should be more reasonable  location instead of the neighborhood.Open new restaurant belong to  commercial activity which aim to attract people enjoy pleasant food ,at the same time,proceed part of socialization such as colleague dinner or client banquet.people perfer a restaurant near their office to in their backyard.


In conclusion,I oppose the plan that a new restaurant may be built in nieghborhood for our living environment and our next generation's health.


沙发
发表于 2004-11-4 13:12:00 | 只看该作者
以下是引用Emilyhua在2004-11-4 11:25:00的发言:

实在很烂,请各位前辈多指教,并指正.谢谢


能那几分?


题目N16:It has recently been announced that a new restaurant may be built in your neighborbood ,do you support or oppose this plan?why?use specific raasons and details to support your answer.



It has recently been announced that a new restaurant may be built in my neighborbood.In my opinion,(direct quotation, not good)I definitely disagree with this plan.I can list so many disadvantages of the proposal that here just mention three of them.(there are many problem, why do you only want to mention three?) the introduction is too simple( sentence and meaning) to attract readers.


Obviously,building a new restaurant means taking additional noise to the daily lives of neighborhood,(.)Neighborhood is the place where people enjoy lives with their family,and also It is the community that provide peaceful and beautiful environment .I can not imagine(,) when you sit at home after a whole day's work, that you still hear the noisy music ,the laughts and speaking come from the restaurant nearby.influence


Besides the noise polution,the pollution of the air is the another problemt (it is a very excellent linking sentence),Not only can restaurant provide the delicious cuisine but the polluted water and hot oily air from the kitchen,(;)Moreover all of this break the biologic balance  which exist in the community formerly and lead to the unstable changes with unexpected consequence,(.)For example,once a famous chinese restaurant opened in my neighborhood,thought the owner invited many celebrities to join the opening ceremony,it can not prevend the people nearby writing complain letters about the pollution to Municiple Government.


Thirdly(in addition),the commercial area should be more reasonable  location instead of the neighborhood.Open new restaurant belong to  commercial activity which aim to attract people enjoy pleasant food ,at the same time,proceed part of socialization such as colleague dinner or client banquet.people perfer a restaurant near their office to in their backyard.(this paragraph seems little related to the topic. the reasonable location is not supporting your stance on the building a restraunt in your community)


In conclusion,I oppose the plan that a new restaurant may be built in nieghborhood for our living environment and our next generation's health.(need more information)


I have to leavenow, and I will come back tommorrow.



I like the second and third paragraphes. it is well done. because the introduction and last two paragraphs are not good, especially the fourth, it will affect your score.


you have problem in using punctuation, so there are a lot of run-on sentence and sentence fragment. the usage is very important in the writing.



practice makes perfect.


[此贴子已经被作者于2004-11-5 8:18:08编辑过]
板凳
 楼主| 发表于 2004-11-4 22:22:00 | 只看该作者

万分感谢!!!!!

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