kiddy的写作贴～求拍砖～！！！谢谢啦～～

kiddy72

10月7日独立写作～第一次发上来 见笑了。。。求拍砖！在此谢过～


Doyou agree or disagree with the following statement: The government andcorporation should share all their scientific discoveries with other countriesin the world?

Withthe technology and science development, we expend our horizon and enlarge ourknowledge. We can’t ignore any parts of scientific discoveries that provide usa better life. However, in the world, there are so many governments andcorporations that they could have a large amount of significant contributionsto human. But actually, these governments and corporations rarely share theirscientific discoveries with other countries. In my opinion, for the futuredevelopment of the whole world, scientific discoveries should be shared.
Tobegin with, I can’t emphasize the importance of sharing the scientificdiscoveries too much, since it is an efficient way to speed up the rate ofdevelopment in whole world. If the government and corporation share all theirresults of researches, other countries’ scientists do not need to repeat thesame work, and they can just enter the next step. This plan will save lots oftime in scientific research. As a result, we will make a breakthrough morequickly. As to the space technology, Russian took so many years to send people intothe space, and after nearly 50 years, Chinese just have ability to do the samething. If we share the discoveries and technology, it is obvious that we cansave so much time. Maybe people could already live on the Mars. In a word, forthe faster development, sharing discoveries is one of the best ways.
Anotherequally important reason is that sharing discoveries will benefit more people.Without controversy, scientific discovery is for serving people, and the factis that there are a lot of people in different countries need help. In someareas of world, the economy is underdeveloped. People struggle with disease andstarvation. We should share the discoveries of medicine and therapy with them, sothat maybe we can save some lives. Also there are many cases support thatsharing discoveries can help more people, such as some economic discoveriesthat can help the countries come over the depression. As to humanity,government and corporation should share their scientific discoveries with morepeople in the world.
To some extent, we have to admit that some sharing may harm theinterest of the certain countries. Perhaps they may lose the chance to get moreprofits by the new discoveries. Nevertheless, compared with the development ofall human being, it is not a serious problem.
In a nutshell, I reinforce my standpoint that government andcorporation should share all their scientific discoveries with other countriesfor faster development and contribution to all human beings.
In this way the result may give us a big surprise.

kiddy72

10月7日综合写作 tpo17  请多多指教！thx～～～～

The lecture and the reading passage givecontradictory opinions on the topic whether the growth of the human populationand the corresponding increase in agriculture and pesticide use result thatnumber of birds in United States decline. The reading passage explains thatthese factors do harm the birds, while the lecture provides severalcounterarguments to this view.
First, the lecture argues that the readingpassage is too general in its statement that human settlements will continue tooccupy the habitats of birds. The professor assets that urban area doesdecrease habitats of some kinds of birds, but some other birds are benefitedfrom cities, such as sea gulls. We can even find hawks in cities. So althoughsome kinds of birds decrease, other types may increase in city.
The lecture also refutes the second pointin the reading passage that the growth of agriculture will also result in thefurther destruction of bird habitats. The professor contends that actuallyfarmland is less and less in the US, and new crops that can provide more in perland cause the growth of agriculture.
Finally, according to the reading passage,chemical pesticides will pollute water and food chain, which causes birdsdecline. According to professor, on the contrary, it is stated that we don’thave to mediate this problem because two changes have occurred. First, new andless toxic pesticide will be produced. Second, there are some new crops thatcan protect themselves from insects.

kiddy72

10月8日 独立写作～求修改 谢谢啦～～～～

Peoplewho move out of their native village or town are more successful and happierthan who stay in their native village or town for their whole life. A\D


Have you ever missed your families when you were at a different place?Have you ever felt not comfortable with new life styles, food, and climate whenyou went to another city? Have you felt lost without your old friends’ help? Ifyou never had such experiment, you’ll never know the importance of living inyour native village for happiness and success. In my opinion, I disagree withthat people who move out of their native village will be more successful andhappier than who stay in their hometown. The reason for this opinion involvesmany aspects including relationship with families and friends and familiarcondition.
To begin with, I can’t emphasize the importance of living with familiesand friends too much for a happy life. As to families, I convince that everyonehas responsibility to take care with them. You need to return to your parents, lookafter your children and support your wife or husband. In addition, whatevertroubles you meet, your family will give you endless love and be your strongestbacking. And the same to friends, they not only have fun with you but also bethere to lend you a hand all the time. Indeed, I asset that we will be unhappyif we are far from families and friends. A good case in this point is that myneighbor Tom went out of city to work for 5 years. He did earn some money, buthe didn’t have time to spend with his little girl. When he came home onfestivals, his daughter was always strange with him. It was really hurt, wasn’tit? And it is obvious that he doesn’t have a happy life. Furthermore, he alsodidn’t have a great success without support from families and friends. In aword, happy and successful life doesn’t mean to earn a lot of money, and Ithink families and friends are essential parts of it.
Another equally important reason is that you are more familiar to thecondition in the hometown, so that it is easier to succeed. As you grow up inthe hometown, you must know something about transportation, life style, custom,market condition and also get used to these stuffs. These things are allbeneficial to your work. Let us image without these information, when you cometo a new city, maybe you will not understand the local accent, and also feelsick because of a different climate. How can you work better? Even if you comeover these difficulties of life, perhaps you will also feel lost when it comesto business items, such as market condition or target customers. On thecontrary, you have advantages of information compared with exotic people inyour native village. Does it mean easier to succeed?
To some extent, we have to admit that people who go out of their nativetown may have more chances to develop themselves. Nevertheless, in my opinion,it is not worth to give up living in a familiar place with families and friendsfor taking this risk.
In a nutshell, form what had been discussed, I reinforce my standpointthat people who leave their native town will not be more successful andhappier. There are so many factors of happiness and success, includingfamilies, friends and familiar condition.

loveluyuanbai

最近是很多，就写出了明显错误，见谅

kiddy72

10.9独立 麻烦各位啦～


Do you agree or disagree: it's moreimportant for the government to spend money building art museum and art performancecenter than building recreational facilities(such as swimming pools,playgrounds)

Question that puzzles government all thetime is how to spend money. There are many places need money, such as socialinsurance, recreational facilities, art museum and art center. Which is more important?Perhaps people with different backgrounds and perspectives will judge it attheir angles. And I think building recreational facilities is more importantfor the government to spend money.
To some extent, building art museum and artperformance center is necessary. Because art museum and center not only enrichcitizens’ life, also leads them to a colorful world in art. Otherwise, buildingart museum and center offers some work for people, so it can help governmentsolve the problem of employment. However, is that means building art museum andart performance center is more important than building recreational facilities?I don’t think so.
To start with, building recreationalfacilities offers citizens more places to exercise so that they can keephealthy. If there are some swimming pool and playgrounds in city, citizens willhave more chances to do sports outdoor, and it will keep the health level ofcitizens. And only with healthy body, people can enjoy art in museums andperformance centers. Due to the healthy condition of citizens influences thework of government, to keep people healthy is an important work. In history, in17th century London, the Great Plague decimated the population and it alsobothered the government so much. Bad health condition made people have no restenergy to work, and as a result the economy of London fell down. And theillness made a panic in London, so the government had to placate the panic andrecreate the confidence. Taking history as a mirror, health condition ofcitizens is important to government, so building recreational facilities is anecessary way.
Furthermore, recreational facilities areneeded by more people that art museum and art performance center. Perhaps somepeople don’t like art, but almost all people need to exercise outside. Someonemay say not everyone like swimming or playing basketball on playground, but infact, sports is not the only thing they can do in swimming pool and playground.For example, my mother does not like running, but she goes to a walk onplayground everyday. She thinks going outside and getting some fresh air isgood for health, and it really does. My little cousin does not know how to swimat all, but he likes to go to swimming pool, because he can have fun with hisfriends and he feels cool in water, especially in summer. Actually, almost allpeople need recreational facilities, and government should spend money on the thingsoffering services for more people.
In summary, recreational facilities canhelp people keep healthy, as well as benefit more people. And according to myanalysis, building recreational facilities is more basic than art museum andart performance center, so government should considers it firstly.

kiddy72

10月9日综合 tpo19

The lecture and the reading passage givecontradictory opinions on the topic that whether buzzers mislead consumers andshould be banned. The reading passage explains that buzzers cause problems,while the lecture provides several counterarguments to this view.
First, the lecture argues that the readingpassage is too general in its statement that consumers need truth, but buzzersalways have motion to mislead them. The speaker asserts that buzzers are peoplewho have used the products and really do think them good. And it is the reasonwhy companies hire these buzzers. They have real experiences and thoughts ofproducts, which means they don’t lie to consumers.
The lecture also refutes the second pointin the reading passage that without real identities of buzzers, consumers willlisten to their endorsements less critically than they should. The speakercontends that actually the condition is opposite. People always ask manyquestions about the product, so it will not be convinced if buzzers can’tanswer all of them.
Finally, according to the reading passage,it is the harmful effect that buzzing is likely to have on socialrelationships. According to the speaker, on the contrary, it is stated thatproducts that buzzers promote will provide consumers good using experience. Consequently,people will become more trustful and be open to others.

verchieldan

10.9独立


Do you agree or disagree: it's moreimportant for the government to spend money building art museum and art performancecenter than building recreational facilities(such as swimming pools,playgrounds)

Question that puzzles government all thetime is how to spend money. There are many places need money(place
能need money?有点chienglish可改为need to send money), such as socialinsurance, recreational facilities, art museum and art centers. Which is more important?Perhaps people with different backgrounds and perspectives will judge it attheir angles. And I think building recreational facilities is more importantfor the government to spend money.
To some extent, building art museum and artperformance center is necessary. Because art museum and center not only enrichcitizens’ life, also leads them to a colorful world in art. Otherwise, buildingart museum and center offers some work for people, so it can help governmentsolve the problem of employment. However, is that means building art museum andart performance center are is more important than building recreational facilities?I don’t think so.
To start with, building recreationalfacilities offers citizens more places to exercise so that they can keephealthy. If there are some swimming pool and playgrounds in city, citizens willhave more chances to do sports outdoor, and(这个句子前后没有并列起来，前面的主语是citizens 后面是it) it will keep the health level ofcitizens. And only with healthy body, people can enjoy art in museums andperformance in recreationalcenters. Due to the healthy condition of citizens influences thework of government, to keep people healthy is an important work(前面是due to ,后一个句子是不定式，就没有了主语，而且这句表意不清，help 什么work?). In history(我不太确定这个表达，一般好像没怎么见过，是不是可以用for example), in17th century London, the Great Plague decimated the population and it alsobothered the government so much. Bad health condition made people have no restenergy to work, and as a result the economy of(in) London fell down. And theillness made a panic in London, so the government had to placate the panic andrecreate the confidence.(前用and,后用so？) Taking history as a mirror, health condition ofcitizens is important to government, so building recreational facilities is anecessary way.
Furthermore, recreational facilities areneeded by more people thant art museum and art performance center. Perhaps somepeople don’t like art, but almost all people need to exercise outside. Someonemay say not everyone likes swimming or playing basketball on playground, but infact, sports is not the only thing they can do in swimming pool and playground.For example, my mother does not like running, but she goes to a walk onplayground everyday. She thinks going outside and getting some fresh air isgood for health, and it really does. My little cousin does not know how to swimat all, but he likes to go to swimming pool, because he can have fun with hisfriends and he feels cool in water, especially in summer. Actually, almost allpeople need recreational facilities, and government should spend money on the thingsoffering services for more people.
In summary, recreational facilities canhelp people keep healthy, as well as benefit more people. And according to myanalysis, building recreational facilities is more basic than art museum andart performance center, so government should considers it firstly.




建议：

1.慎用and 和 so,读下来的感觉就是and 使用过多，会引起一些语法错误，得不偿失，而且就显得口语化，而非正式的书面表达。

2.有些地方是health,有些事healthy,楼主注意搭配啊，不要因为写太多而懵了。

3.有一个重要的问题，在论证自己的观点的时候应该采用多角度论证。这篇文章楼主的角度是应该多建recreational center，但是我看来看去感觉就只有一个原因，即是healthy condition，虽然有两段论点两个角度，一是government work，一是people’s needs ，但是最终都绕回了healthy condition,我就在想，如果批改者改得比较快的话可能就会觉得论点单一。

4.句式多样性基本做到，建议还可以使用一些从句。

5.关于三个事例。我个人感觉第一个论据，就是伦敦那个确实是符合楼主自己提出的观点的，就是事例的前一句句子，但是细想，好像和recreational或者art museum 关联度有一点弱。毕竟瘟疫不是因为缺少了recreational centers 而发生的，这个我们可以再探讨一下。







最后，要向楼主道歉，因为昨天开始直到刚才，由于学校热水管道改造，导致寝室全部断网，没能及时批改，还请见谅啊。

AnthonySummer

The lecture and reading passage give contradictory opinions on the topic that whether buzzers mislead consumers and should be banned. The reading passage explains that buzzers cause problems, while the lecture provides several counterarguments to this view.

First, the lecture argues that the reading passage is too general in its statement that consumers need truth, but buzzers always have motion to mislead them. The speaker asserts that buzzers are people who have used the products and really do think them（them指代不清，最好交代一下是谁consumers） good. And it is the reason why companies hire these buzzers. They have real experiences and thoughts of products, which mean they don't lie to consumers.（感觉细节太少了，不过语言精练，结构不错）

The lecture also refutes the second point in the reading passage that without real identities of buzzers, consumers will listen to their endorsements less critically than they should（概括的不错）. Speakerphones that actually the condition is opposite. People always ask many questions about the product, so it will not be convinced if buzzers can'tanswer all of them.

Finally, according to the reading passage,it is the harmful effect that buzzing is likely to have on social relationships. According to the speaker, on the contrary, it is stated that products that buzzers promotion will provide consumers good using experience. Consequently, people will become more trustful and be open to others.

天天向上！

kiddy72

谢谢啦～～～

kiddy72

关于论证角度的问题verchieldan同学说的很对啊！你这么一说我也觉得我好像两个写的是一个方面 非常感谢～～～～