[求批改]issue 求批改

hsloner

26. The luxuries andconveniences of contemporary life prevent people from developing into truly strongand independent individuals.
现代生活的奢华和便利，让人们无法成为真正强大、独立的个体。
Write a response in which you discuss theextent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain yourreasoning for the position you take.
In developing and supporting your position,you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold trueand explain how these considerations shape your position.

Outline:
题目的观点未免过于简单，狭隘，每件事事情都有利有弊，
个人的定义是什么一个强大的个人应该拥有什么品质
现代舒适的社会使人们更依赖科技  效率更高人们得到了解放当然也使人们变得懒惰
奢华看起来是个贬义词人们往往联想到腐败为了享受奢华的生活很多人往往不择手段往上爬谋取暴利  官商勾结  但是你无法否认也有一些人以他为目标通过合法正当的途径到达了顶峰造福人类
个人的强大不是由环境来决定的人的强大往往是内心的强大

Text:
  The word “truly” is a bit too narrow and simple. Everything has twosides. There are something leave from you while another come into you.
  What is the meaning of” strong and independent individuals”? We wouldthink there is one who is strong in physical and is independent in action. We alsocould think there is one who is strong and independent in heart. Both of themseem reasonable. But people always respect someone who fills with their ownideas in mind. And people would laugh one who is bigger person physically butno mind. A great person is one who own great minds.
  And “luxuries” sounds like an emerging and sometimes a bad word. Peoplewill image delicious food, shining garment, mansion etc. Most of people want tolive in such elegant lifestyle. People maybe get it by all means. Then theywill lose the humanity. Corruption, greedy, desire and vanity fill withpeople`s life. All what they do just for luxuries. It is sure not we wanted. Butalso there are many people achieve it through legal and valid ways. They wouldhelp other people who is in need when they realized. They are benefit from societyand then benefit to society.
  We could not deny the high technology make some people lazy and stupid. Theyare even not willing to make choice. They only would get coffee from anothergot it done even to his mouth. They are not willing to think, they are notwilling to do. High technology looks like make live convenient and make peoplesluggish. We also repudiate conveniences make live easy, there are a lot leisuretime for people to do other interesting. It makes people liberate from some burdensomework. It is hard for us to get information from the outer world in the past. Ouracknowledge is limited in somewhere around us. Now we know any information whatwe want from the Internet. It is wonderful. And the World becomes so charming andclose. It is unimaginative and unparalleled in the past. After all, the idiot isthe minority. Most od person can use the conveniences positively. The positiveeffect is always more than the passive effect.
   A strong of person is not determined by the surrounding but changed the surrounding.A truly strong and independent individual is who strong and independent in mindand make the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life benefit to them.

普渡哥

作者应该重点论述 现在便捷的生活和个人独立的品格形成之间的逻辑关系。。。