嗯~Jeremy开始写作文了！~新人求罩，好汉们！

xiumu2280

10.7 Recently,with the gradually fiercer competition in the society, the amount and quality of scientific discoveries have become an important aspect to estimate country or a company’s competence.Some individuals argue that the government and corporation should share all their scientific discoveries with other countries. However, contrary to the opinion is my heartfelt agreement that the discoveries should not be shared with other countries without any limitation.(基本没什么语法和拼写错误··）

To begin with, one fundamental definition we should be aware of is the role and the aim of a government and a corporation, which is that they are founded to protect their people from outer threats and disasters and to maximize the profits their people acquire. Although the scientist discover new theories and new technologies to improve the life quality of all the humans and prevent our beautiful home away from catastrophes, we cannot deny that fact that there exists boundaries between different countries and not all the people are friendly to each other. If the scientific discoveries are used by some devil people, it is a disaster to the world. In this circumstance, sharing the scientific discoveries with each other should not be permitted and it is also unrealistic to make it come true.（第一句最好是个主题句，例如说 分享发明可能造成灾难， 再进行论述。另外，多用副词修饰下动词，文章看着更好）

In addition, if we consume（这个用法不是很明白） a situation that all the countries are willing to share their own scientific discoveries with other countries. Then, a new problem will arouse that a certain number of scientists will gradually lose their motivations and responsibility to do research, because they can acquire new and advanced technology from other countries and what they need to do is just waiting. When I was in high school, my physics teacher gave us a task to do a/an experiment which needs to complete in groups. In my group, my friend Danial  is extremely good at physics and he can complete the experiment all by himself. In this case, our group members left the task to him and we just watched by his side. Although all of us got a high score at last but we lose/lost a/an opportunity to sharpen our skills（这个说法很好）. Our members became indolent because they knew that Danial will help them. Judging from my experience, we can clearly see that, at sometimes, sharing the information is not a proper way（感觉像说了一半+for the development of science).
However,it does make sense that in some circumstances, sharing information can improve the efficiency of working. To evade the drawbacks of sharing the scientific discoveries, some limitation should be erected. Such as charging fee when sharing with others. Once they need to pay for the information, they will not get lazy on their own work. Then, the owner can also decide whether or not to share their discoveries for fear that their discoveries will do harm to themselves or the world.(前面写没限制分享的坏处，这写一些分享的好处和限制的办法，感觉还不错。不过这类disagree/agree的题，我感觉还是要么完全同意 要么不同意，这样写比较好）

To sum up, the government and corporation should not share all their scientific discoveries without any limitation. Only by setting some proper restrictions can we avoid the negative effects of sharing science and technology.

写的很细致，基本没什么词语使用错误之类

luhuaipei

嗯, 谢谢啦~~

luhuaipei

The best way to improve the quality of education is toincrease teachers ‘salaries’.

With the gradually fiercer competition in the world, the quality of education has become an indispensable aspect to assess a country’s comprehensive national power. Thus, improving educational quality becomes a must for a country to live in this competitive world. Some people hold the idea that increasing teachers’ salaries is the best way to improve the educational quality. However, my heartfelt viewpoint is different from them. In this essay, I will provide evidence to illustrate my perspective.  

To begin with, I concede that raising the payment of teachers does have some positive influenceson educational quality. However, the influence only works in some certaincircumstances and areas. For example, teachers in remote area of China whosesalary might be so little that it is not enough to support their daily expenses,which means that they need to find another job to make a live. Consequently,these affairs will definitely distract their concentration on teaching and makethem have no time to prepare for their classes. But in the more developed area,since teachers’ salary has been enough to cover their daily expenses, theydon’t need to worry about living. In this case, increase the payment has verylittle impact on their educational quality. Therefore, only raising the paymentstandard of teachers has very limited impact on educational quality.

In addition, at thesame time when we improve their salary, government or certain associationscould set up some categories of training classes to let teachers to communicatewith each other and sharpen their teaching skills. Different teacher has his orher own experiences and skills to teach students, such as techniques which cantransform tedious knowledge into interesting stories, or which can get on wellwith students. Via communicating with each other, every teacher will acquirenew skills or experiences to deal will student and their work. As theirexperiences accumulating, the quality of education could also escalategradually.

Finally, raising thepublic awareness of the great meaning of education is also a undeniable way toimprove educational quality. Everyone knows that parents are the best teacherof children. Once every people know the importance of education, it surely willgain great concentration of parents. Therefore, they will try their best togive their children better education and their concentration will push theteacher to do more preparation and be more attentive. As a result, the educationalquality will increase.

To sum up, onlyincreasing teachers’ salaries is not the best way to improve the quality ofeducation. At the same time when raising their salaries, severalother measures should be implemented.

AnthonySummer

橘色为拼写或单复数错误

10.14独立



The best way to improve the quality of education is toincrease teachers 'salaries'.



With the gradualfierce competition in the world, the quality of education has become an indispensable aspect to assess a country's comprehensive national power. Thus, improving educational quality becomes a must（necessity） for a country to live in（at） this competitive world. Some people hold the idea that increasing teachers' salaries is the best way to improve the educational quality. However, my heartfelt viewpoint is different from them. In this essay, I will provide evidence to illustrate my perspective. (最好表个态吧~ 真是调胃口啊)



To begin with, I concede that raising the payment of teachers does have some positive influences on educational quality. However, the influence only works in some certain circumstances and areas. For example, teachers in a remote area of China whose salary might be so little that it is not enough to support their daily expenses, which means that they need to find another job (part time job)to make a live. Consequently, these affairs will definitely distract their concentration on teaching and make them have no time to prepare for their classes. (前句有些啰嗦~ ) But in the more developed area, since teachers' salary has been enough to cover their daily expenses, they don't need to worry about living.（前面提过提过make a live了，最好语言能多样化，用其他词或句子）In this case, increase the payment has very little impact on their educational quality. Therefore, only raising the payment standard of teachers has very limited impact on educational quality.(这段句子起码可以简化掉三个句子，有一些语义重复，和反复讲)



In addition, at the same time when we improve their salary,（前后句感觉没什么逻辑关系，后面也没解释，一点即过让人摸不着头脑）government or certain associations could set up some categories of training classes to let teachers to communicate with each other and sharpen their teaching skills. Different teacher has his or her own experiences and skills to teach students, such as techniques which can transform tedious knowledge into interesting stories, or which can get on well with students. Via communicating with each other. Every teacher will acquire new skills or experiences to deal will the student and their work. As their experiences accumulating, the quality of education could be also escalate gradually.（整段是对第一段的补充，但是到此为止写的还是没有明确表态，态度有些暧昧~ 希望能更明确一些更符合标准）



Finally, （后面也没代词或人，主语呢？谁raising？）raising the public awareness of the great meaning of education is also an undeniable way to improve educational quality. Everyone knows that parents are the best teacher of children. Once every people know the importance of education, it surely will gain great concentration of parents. （这句话还是啰嗦啊~）Therefore, they will try their best to give their children a better education and their concentration will push the teacher to do more preparation and be more attentive. As a result, the educational quality will increase.



To sum up, only increasing teachers' salaries is not the best way to improve the quality of education. At the same time when raising their salaries, several other measures should be implemented.

建议：

I love a girl. This girl is outgoing.
有人从前一句收到启发，写出——I love a girl who is outgoing. 但是，我觉得更为“有效”的表达是I love an outgoing girl.
比较两者，为什么更短的后者更加有效？发出这个疑问的人没有掌握英语的美学标准——文章不在乎长，在乎字字珠玑，表达有效。还记得你知道为例一的定语从句所欢呼喝彩的原因么？原因是用了一个定语从句把累赘的两个girl精简为一个，使表达更加有效率。但是，其中的美学标准是“更加有效”，而不是“定语从句”。所以，你简单地利用定语从句对例二进行“修饰”，是得不到这种美的——因为这个例子里，定语从句本身就是一个累赘——一个简简单单的形容词就足够美了。
由此及彼，什么主语从句、宾语从句等等发杂的句子成分的目的不是使句子更长，而是使表达更加有效。
原文网址http://forum.chasedream.com/TOEFL_Writing/thread-712479-1-1.html

或者看看GMAT的句子改错。加油吧~

luhuaipei

太谢谢了啊！指出了大问题啊，我发现自己就是一话唠。。。。