拖延症老人终于下决心开写了，求砖拍，求鄙视

zombiee

6月13日110211 NA
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents should allow their children to make mistakes and let them learn from their own mistakes.


As Galieo said, "You cannot teach a man anyting everything?; you can only help him to find it within himself." Nowadays as science and technology are improving our daily life, everone has his oppotunity to be successful. When we walk into a bookstore, there are tens or of hundreds books and viedo tapes on the topic of sucess. Moreover, there are bunch of pedagogies about teaching children to become suceed. "Never lose at the starting line " is the most used slogan. Parents and caretakers of children want the same for their children. The desire to see children to be successful may lead to much too too much care for the children. In from my perspective, somtimes parents should allow their children to make mistakes and let them learn from their own mistakes.

First of all, when parents "help" their children avoiding mistakes, they are at the same time to instill dependence in them. they them 的指代不大明白 By offering clues, suggestions, asking questions to stimulate a solution parents take the place of their children to be independently solve the problem. 这句彻底不明白了...Maybe teaching children to avoid mistakes can bring us the illusion of helping them to succeed, but it never works when the children face the chellenges by themselves. In addition when parents allow the children to solve a problem or complete a difficult task, they show the children their trust for solving the problem alone. This trust will help them in developing teamworking spirits with others in their careers afterward. Thirdly, experience and mental virtue come from internal factors, every great man has his success from the process that he make mistakes, solve problems ,struggles and come out triumphant. Almost every achivement in our life may depend on the trial-and-error experiment, why strip off children their own natrual given rights to learn from mistakes.
注意细节 都是小错误
个别句子可以在简练些
这段讲了三个原因啊 有风险吧 一段一个topic比较保险

In addition, most great successful men achieve their sucess through learning from mistakes. For instance, when the great scientist Einstan was still a little boy, his teacher told him to drop school because he was too slow to catch up with his classmates. But he never admitted he was not good as others and kept on studying to become a famous inventor 是scientist吧. When Mickael Jordan was in high school, his PE teacher told him that he was not qualified for the basketball team player. He locked himself in the changing room and cried, then he kept on practice and finally become the superstar in basketball.
achieve their sucess through learning from mistakes是topic但是在后面的例子中 没有对mistakes的展开 描述
可以对一个例子细致展开

However, in fact there are some mistakes parents should interrupt. For example, if a child's safety is under threat, and when the consequences of had？？ behavior is serious. When the child is still a toddler, parents should keep them from playing fire, broken glasses, and dangerous material. When the child bully his classmates and lie to others for a long time and the consequence is vague in a long run, his parent should preach the child and tell him the serious consequence出现好多遍 换个词outcome results of him bad behavior.

In sum, learning from mistakes could help children to be independent, trustful, self-esteemed, and innovative. But parents have to keep their children from danger too. We are not born with experience and knowledge, we learn it mostly from our own mistakes. So without failure there is no success, and it is important to allow children to fail and make mistakes in a healthy and supportive manner.

-- by 会员 包子不包子 (2012/6/14 11:20:42)

谢谢， 努力改进~

zombiee

6月14日110415 NA
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Compared with hiring famous teachers, school should pay more attention to improve facilities.

Generally speaking there are two main factors that contribute to the performance of a school, and they are quality of teachers and facilities. The dilemma whether school should pay more attention to hire famous teachers than improve facilities or vice versa is coming up to a fierce debate. In my perspective, they are eqully important and interwoven with each other.

First and formost, a good teacher is critical to one’s lifetime education, especially at school. My first English teacher in my middle school enlighten me about conciseness, creativity, and logicality of a language, and the sound of her is still in my mind when I use Engish to express my ideas. Given that a good teacher is often famous, most schools today more likely to hire famous teachers to improve the quality of education. For instance, many famous sholars in history always enroll in a college of a university to do their research, develop their studies and pass their knowledge on to their students. Take my mentor in physics for example, he is a famous physist in China, and take a professor career in my university. The president of my university made an effort to hire him in the 19th century, and as a result the professor improved the reputation of our school and increased the enrollment of students as well as their quality.

In addition, without strong facilities, the it is hard to retain the famous teachers, not to mention to improve the education quality of a school. Suppose that the famous physist in my university complain about the facilities a lot, and he can not use the poor facilities even to do normal experrments. How could he still catch up with the front of the science and technology? Not to speak to pass it on to his students. In fact the poor facilities in a school are more likely to dismiss a famous teacher than to induce one. Moreover, poor facilities in school harm its qulity of education to the most extent. As we all known, qualified facilities, such as expensive experiment instrument, nice teaching environment, fantastic exchange equipment, will pave our way for truth and knowledge.

Finally, famous teachers and strong facilities are intertwined so much that the most creative application of those two is the distance education. This is a huge improvement of human eduction and it is so convenient that what you need is just a computer on site. Also distance education is a big invention to schools, and many school today are spreading rapidly without more expense of space, teachers, or other matched facilities. All the distance learning students have to do is turn on the computer and they are in a famous teacher’s class.

To sum up, hiring famous teachers and improving facilities are both so important to schools. It can not be too excessive to intensify either of them.

DanielleZ

Dear Zombiee:
首先不好意思，我的作文水品就是个小白水平。所以有可能有些问题指出的并不是非常正确，请见谅哈~问题如下：
1. 我认为你的作文其实写的很好了，有些词用的非常好。我也学习了不少东西~有些我觉得写的很好的句子，我已经标黄了。
2. 文章中还是有些拼写的错误，我已经纠正过来了。红色下划线的就是了。
3. 第一段的举例我稍微有点疑问，也已经在相应的位置标出。请查看。
然后就木有啦~今天学到很多，谢谢啦！我们一起加油吧~哈哈~
Generallyspeaking there are two main factors that contribute to the performance of aschool, and they are quality of teachers and facilities. The dilemma whether schoolshould pay more attention to hire famous teachers than improve facilities orvice versa is coming up to a fierce debate. In my perspective, they areequally important and interwoven with each other.

First and foremost, a good teacher is critical toone’s lifetime education, especially at school. My first English teacher in mymiddle school enlighten meabout conciseness, creativity, and logicality of a language, and the sound ofher is still in my mind when I use English to express my ideas.(我觉得写的很好，有细节，很具体)Given that a good teacher is often famous, most schools today more likely tohire famous teachers to improve the quality of education. For instance, manyfamous scholars in history always enroll in a college of a university to dotheir research, develop their studies and pass their knowledge on to theirstudents. Take my mentor in physics for example, he is a famous physicist inChina, and take a professor career in my university. The president of myuniversity made an effort to hire him in the 19th century, and as a result theprofessor improved the reputation of our school and increased the enrollment ofstudents as well as their quality.（我有一点点疑惑，物理老师的这个例子，想说明的不是a good teacher is critical to one’s lifetimeeducation 这个论点，对吧？如果不是支持这个论点的话，我觉得可以分作两段写，也可以说的更充分一些嘛；或者说physicist这个例子，跟这段的第一句的关联不是特别明确）

In addition, without strong facilities, theit is hard to retainthe famous teachers, not to mention to improve the education quality of aschool.（有个递进的描述，而且我还学了not to mention的用法）Suppose that the famous physicist in my university complain about the facilitiesa lot, and he can not use the poor facilities even to do normal experriments.How could he still catch up with the front of the science and technology? Notto speak to pass it on to his students. In fact the poor facilities in aschool are more likely to dismiss a famous teacher than to induce one.Moreover, poor facilities in school harm its quality of education to the mostextent. As we all known, qualified facilities, such as expensive experimentinstruments, nice teaching environment, fantastic exchange equipments(是指的交换机的意思么？我查了下google，交换机应该是switch吧？),will pave our way for truth and knowledge.

Finally, famous teachers and strong facilities areintertwined so much that the most creative application of those two is thedistance education. This is a huge improvement of human education and it is soconvenient that what you need is just a computer on site. Also distanceeducation is a big invention to schools, and many schools today are spreadingrapidly without more expense of space, teachers, or other matched facilities.All the distance learning students have to do is to turn on the computersand they are in a famous teacher’s class.

To sum up, hiring famous teachers and improvingfacilities are both so important to schools. It can not be too excessive tointensify either of them.

DanielleZ

刚把我修改的文章发上来，就发现我自己的文章也已经被你修改完啦~真速度~~谢谢啦~

晨依Jacqueline

honestly speaking ur composition will be more attractive if u could have ur first paragraph a little revised! although  simple beginning also has its own advantages, I still think it should be paid great attention to because it is actually an important introduction to lead the reader to ur following paragraphs. to start ur passage directly is good; to start ur passage with a charming & attractive sentence is better.  what do u think?

zombiee

honestly speaking ur composition will be more attractive if u could have ur first paragraph a little revised! although  simple beginning also has its own advantages, I still think it should be paid great attention to because it is actually an important introduction to lead the reader to ur following paragraphs. to start ur passage directly is good; to start ur passage with a charming & attractive sentence is better.  what do u think?

-- by 会员 晨依Jacqueline (2012/6/16 11:32:55)

Totally agree! I am trying. THANKS to Jacqueline.

zombiee

6.15


In the competitive job market, the criterion for most people to find a job perhaps is whether the job or career would have a secure or successful future. Because of the social improvement, increasing worker flows between cities and suburbs, or between companies, leads to unstable and insecure future of the young people. I think it is equally easy for both people in the past and current to identify which type of career or job would have a secure or succesful future. In my perspective, this dilemma is depended on the definition of the secure or successful future.

First and foremost, nowadays people are more free than in the past to choose their career so as to decide their future. The freedom of our generation is unimaginable to our elders. Most of the graduates of the unversities have so many choices of jobs. The most popular job always is well-paid, secure, respectful, and decent. So it is identified as a teacher, an CEO, a dentist,  a lawyer and so on. After all, careers with a secure or successful future are attracted to most of the students at school, they struggle to get a competitive GPA, pass exams to certifications, and participate in social works. All they do is to pave the way to their ideal career. To some extent, they already know the type of job with which they would have a secure future.

In addition, people in the past relatively did not have so much opportunities to have a say on their future, and what they considered is how to may a live with a job. They did not have much expectation on their career, not to mention had a secure and successful future. The dreaming career is mostly like to be farmer, worker, carpenter, postman and so on. The material life was horrible and the living standard was much lower than it is now. So as the proverb says, no dream is built on empity. Our ancestors are more likely struggle to live than to have a day-dream about type of career or job would have a secure or successful future.

Finally, to dream about future is one thing and to build your career is another. Actully there is no security to keep your career leading to your dreaming future. What we could control is stick to what we choose and make efforts to realize a happy living future.

All in all, it is equally easy for both people in the past and current to identify which type of career or job would have a secure or succesful future.

晨依Jacqueline

又把我名字拼错了...窘...anyway, Mr. Zombiee, add oil.

lunating

6.15

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

In the fiercely competitive job market, the criterion for most people to find a job perhaps is whether the job or career would have a secure or successful future. Because of the social improvement (progress 表社会进步), increasing worker flows between cities and suburbs, or between companies, leads (lead flows后边应该接原型吧) to unstable and insecure future of the young people. Personally,(感觉接个连词更好，但是personally有点口语化额) I think it is equally easy for both people in the past and current to identify which type of career or jobs would have a secure or succesful(stable or bright) future. In my perspective, this dilemma is depended on the definition of the secure or successful future.(这个真可以找词换换，下边也是。。就是我也没想好还有什么词可以替代来着T.T)

First and foremost, nowadays people are more free than in the past to choose their career so as to decide their future. The freedom of our generation is unimaginable to our elders. Most of the graduates of the unversities have so many choices of jobs. The most popular(attractive) job always is well-paid, secure, respectful, and decent. So it is identified as a teacher, an CEO, a dentist,  a lawyer and so on(or other vocation). After all, careers with a secure or successful future are attracted to most of the students at school(enrollment 在校生好像这么表达来着，不确定~),.Thus, they struggle to get a competitive GPA, pass exams to certifications, and participate in social works. All they do is to pave the way to their ideal career. To some extent, they already know the type of job with which they would have a secure future.

In addition, people in the past relatively did not have so much opportunities to have a say onin their future, and what they considered is how to may a live make a living with a job. They did not have much expectation on their career, not to mention had a secure and successful future. Thedreaming career is dream job was mostly like to be farmer, worker, carpenter, postman and so on. The material life was horrible and the living standard was much lower than it is now. So as the proverb says, no dream is built on empity empty. Our ancestors are more likely struggle to live than to have a day-dream about type of career or job would have a secure or successful future.

Finally, to dream about future is one thing and to build your career is another. Actully Actually there is no security to keep your career leading to your dreaming future. What we could control is to stick to what we choose and make efforts to realize a happy living future.

All in all, it is equally easy for both people in the past and current to identify which type of career or job would have a secure or succesful future.

Conclusin：
整个文章写得很不错哦，扣题扣得很准啦~~

文章除了几个拼写的小错误以及有些词的表达不够地道外，最大的疑惑是我没有看出来怎么就总结为equally easy了，第三段讲的是past 的negative的一面，，，又回顾了一遍，发现好像看明白了，就是觉得很牵强。。我觉得在总结的时候，再次强调下定义不同，然后引出结论吧。

不好意思现在才改完啦

zombiee

6.15

蓝色为意见或建议高亮为精彩绿色为总结红色为错误

In the fiercely competitive job market, the criterion for most people to find a job perhaps is whether the job or career would have a secure or successful future. Because of the social improvement (progress 表社会进步), increasing worker flows between cities and suburbs, or between companies, leads (lead flows后边应该接原型吧) to unstable and insecure future of the young people. Personally,(感觉接个连词更好，但是personally有点口语化额) I think it is equally easy for both people in the past and current to identify which type of career or jobs would have a secure or succesful(stable or bright) future. In my perspective, this dilemma is depended on the definition of the secure or successful future.(这个真可以找词换换，下边也是。。就是我也没想好还有什么词可以替代来着T.T)

First and foremost, nowadays people are more free than in the past to choose their career so as to decide their future. The freedom of our generation is unimaginable to our elders. Most of the graduates of the unversities have so many choices of jobs. The most popular(attractive) job always is well-paid, secure, respectful, and decent. So it is identified as a teacher, an CEO, a dentist,  a lawyer and so on(or other vocation). After all, careers with a secure or successful future are attracted to most of the students at school(enrollment 在校生好像这么表达来着，不确定~),.Thus, they struggle to get a competitive GPA, pass exams to certifications, and participate in social works. All they do is to pave the way to their ideal career. To some extent, they already know the type of job with which they would have a secure future.

In addition, people in the past relatively did not have so much opportunities to have a say onin their future, and what they considered is how to may a live make a living with a job. They did not have much expectation on their career, not to mention had a secure and successful future. Thedreaming career is dream job was mostly like to be farmer, worker, carpenter, postman and so on. The material life was horrible and the living standard was much lower than it is now. So as the proverb says, no dream is built on empity empty. Our ancestors are more likely struggle to live than to have a day-dream about type of career or job would have a secure or successful future.

Finally, to dream about future is one thing and to build your career is another. Actully Actually there is no security to keep your career leading to your dreaming future. What we could control is to stick to what we choose and make efforts to realize a happy living future.

All in all, it is equally easy for both people in the past and current to identify which type of career or job would have a secure or succesful future.

Conclusin：
整个文章写得很不错哦，扣题扣得很准啦~~

文章除了几个拼写的小错误以及有些词的表达不够地道外，最大的疑惑是我没有看出来怎么就总结为equally easy了，第三段讲的是past 的negative的一面，，，又回顾了一遍，发现好像看明白了，就是觉得很牵强。。我觉得在总结的时候，再次强调下定义不同，然后引出结论吧。

不好意思现在才改完啦

-- by 会员 lunating (2012/6/17 23:03:10)

谢谢MM的批改，很仔细很认真。加油