拖延症老人终于下决心开写了，求砖拍，求鄙视

zombiee

join our QQ group~
discuss more with group members!

you could reread the post on the top of the webpage(the post to which you stick your URL ) and discover the everyday arrangement of revising compositions.
you have already got your task on 10th Jun.
Check it on that post~~~Then,
follow the rules on the post--revise other's writing and get ur own writing revised. It's easy.
sorry for giving you such a late reply.
Good night Mr. Zombie

-- by 会员 晨依Jacqueline (2012/6/11 1:04:33)

Thank you for inform me all this details.  So moved by your kindness.
Little lacqueline,  Burning night oil is not good for you health. Have a nice dream tonight.

acrophobiahy

红色修改，蓝色好词好句

As some scholars said, TV is the worst inventionin the 20th century. Scientists from Tsinghua University have conducted a survey to found out how the electricaldevice has affected human beings in the last one hundred years. The researchersset two groups. One group (includes people) is aged between 60 to 70 , who did not watch TV more than 1 hour daily and did nothave affected by TV in the paper and pencil era. The other group, to the opposite,is composed of people aged between 10 to 20, who definitely are the new-agey (new-age ?) technology beneficiaries.Researchers gave the two groups the same tests that require them to thinklogically and concentrately (concentrately 好像没有这个副词吧) regardless of their knowledge background. To our surprise the elder group did better on most of testswritten either with or without visual and audio material. But the younger groupsucks （suck吸，是不是打错词了呢？） in the test without visual and audio and could not focusduring the whole test. The researchers suggested that TV watching experiencecould lower the volunteer’s capability of logical thinking and concentration farmore than we had previously thought.

Maybe it is too extreme to condemn TV just because its convenience brings about our laziness and distraction.Admittedly，thewidely spread invention of 20th century has entertained us with amusement andinformed us with the most recently video news and knowledge.

But when it comes to children at school, howshould their parents consider the pros and cons of TV. As far as I am concerned, to make children do wellat school, parents are supposed to limit the hours that children spend on watching TV.According to the recent report of a survey, 92 percent of the TV programs arenot suitable to the children and the rest are only for entertainment.

Besides most TV programs today are full of obscene and offensive language and behavior. Although we adults maynot affected by these material But, both common sense and our experience with children informus that people tend to mimic the language and behavior they are exposed to. （although but 不能同时用）

In sum, it is in our best interest to limit the hourthat children spend on TV. That is to say if you have to pay for the goodperformance at school, control your TV controller.

第一次给你批改作文~~

先说一下作文结构吧。写托福作文，通常呢我们采用的都是五段式，首段+正文3段+末段。首段一般是引出问题，点名自己的立场。正文3段，也有几种不同的写法。一般是写所支持的理由1，理由2，还有让步写对立观点的好处1。也可以叫做2-1 模式吧。最后的末段总结。具体的， 你可以看看张红岩的《十天搞定托福作文》，里面写得挺清楚的。你也可以多看看一些范文啊， 或者像晨依，鸟儿的作文贴。

再者说一下内容。我觉得，若是支持题目观点，我们应该在作文中突出电视对孩子的负面影响，并且这些影响要与孩子在学校的表现相关。例如，电视中充斥着暴力场景，会导致孩子崇尚暴力，而在学校中欺负其他同学。或者，他们对电视的兴趣过高，不认真完成作业，导致成绩不好。我想这样的例子更有说服力，你觉得呢。

语言方面呢，比我好多了，不过要注意拼写啊~~

还有，你利用数据的能力很强，可以充分发挥这个优势~~这样的话，肯定能很有说服力~~

加油啊↖（＾ω＾）↗

Crystaljoy

晨依is sooo sweet~

zombiee

红色修改，蓝色好词好句

As some scholars said, TV is the worst inventionin the 20th century. Scientists from Tsinghua University have conducted a survey to found out how the electricaldevice has affected human beings in the last one hundred years. The researchersset two groups. One group (includes people) is aged between 60 to 70 , who did not watch TV more than 1 hour daily and did nothave affected by TV in the paper and pencil era. The other group, to the opposite,is composed of people aged between 10 to 20, who definitely are the new-agey (new-age ?) technology beneficiaries.Researchers gave the two groups the same tests that require them to thinklogically and concentrately (concentrately 好像没有这个副词吧) regardless of their knowledge background. To our surprise the elder group did better on most of testswritten either with or without visual and audio material. But the younger groupsucks （suck吸，是不是打错词了呢？） in the test without visual and audio and could not focusduring the whole test. The researchers suggested that TV watching experiencecould lower the volunteer’s capability of logical thinking and concentration farmore than we had previously thought.

Maybe it is too extreme to condemn TV just because its convenience brings about our laziness and distraction.Admittedly，thewidely spread invention of 20th century has entertained us with amusement andinformed us with the most recently video news and knowledge.

But when it comes to children at school, howshould their parents consider the pros and cons of TV. As far as I am concerned, to make children do wellat school, parents are supposed to limit the hours that children spend on watching TV.According to the recent report of a survey, 92 percent of the TV programs arenot suitable to the children and the rest are only for entertainment.

Besides most TV programs today are full of obscene and offensive language and behavior. Although we adults maynot affected by these material But, both common sense and our experience with children informus that people tend to mimic the language and behavior they are exposed to. （although but 不能同时用）

In sum, it is in our best interest to limit the hourthat children spend on TV. That is to say if you have to pay for the goodperformance at school, control your TV controller.

第一次给你批改作文~~

先说一下作文结构吧。写托福作文，通常呢我们采用的都是五段式，首段+正文3段+末段。首段一般是引出问题，点名自己的立场。正文3段，也有几种不同的写法。一般是写所支持的理由1，理由2，还有让步写对立观点的好处1。也可以叫做2-1 模式吧。最后的末段总结。具体的， 你可以看看张红岩的《十天搞定托福作文》，里面写得挺清楚的。你也可以多看看一些范文啊， 或者像晨依，鸟儿的作文贴。

再者说一下内容。我觉得，若是支持题目观点，我们应该在作文中突出电视对孩子的负面影响，并且这些影响要与孩子在学校的表现相关。例如，电视中充斥着暴力场景，会导致孩子崇尚暴力，而在学校中欺负其他同学。或者，他们对电视的兴趣过高，不认真完成作业，导致成绩不好。我想这样的例子更有说服力，你觉得呢。

语言方面呢，比我好多了，不过要注意拼写啊~~

还有，你利用数据的能力很强，可以充分发挥这个优势~~这样的话，肯定能很有说服力~~

加油啊↖（＾ω＾）↗

-- by 会员 acrophobiahy (2012/6/11 18:54:17)

谢谢MM的批注，很细心，很专业。

zombiee

感觉很难写啊，弄了好几个小时
6月11日110821 NA
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? There is never a reason to be rude (impolite) to another person.

Generally speaking, it is unacceptable to be rude to another person , so courtesy is more preferred by most people. From childhood we have been educated to be polite to the elders, be friendly to the peers and be nice to the youngers. Rudeness is normally viewed as a moral failing. However, from my point of perspective, rudeness is excusable or even justified in some circumstance. This is a topic the answer to which depend on a case by case basis.

In everyday life good manners such as returning a greeting, listening to others when they are talking and appologizing when you make a mistake etc. are generally regarded as morally what we should do. Becaue people want to be respected and politely treated anywhere at any case. We perfer good service based on coutesy. For instance, when we have dinner at a restaurant, the waiters are trained to talk like a gentleman, behave as well-educated and use nice gestures while serving us. And we talk gentlely for fear of disturb others and smile to the strangers to show kindness. Traditional customs, education, and modern civilization all lead us to be polite and courtly to each other.

However, we shall see, in fact, there are various circumstances in which rudeness is morally acceptable. Everyone would agree that the normal niceties of social intercourse should be suspended or ignored if a crisis suddenly arises. If I am talking to you and you see a child about to chase a ball into the street or grab hold of a freshly painted railing, you should interrupt and shout a warning without any preliminary apology. Morover, there are some topics that many people consider unsuitable or inappropriate for discussion with anyone other than a few privileged members of their circle of family and friends—matters such as salaries, personal hygiene, marital intimacies, or a person’s self-destructive habits. We can’t help to interrupt these topic and invite the charge of  “mind your own business”. And our rudeness will be forgiven in virtue of the good intentions behind it.

In addition, we have the right to show our view in a more direct way. If a criminal or a traitor offers you his hand and you refuse to shake it, this will normally be understood. You just express your standpoint and believe in your belief. Besides, challenging the conventions is often viwed as rude but sometimes valuable, independent-minded, and creative. A well-known but still wonderful anecdote about Beethoven illustrates this point. The composer was walking through a park with Goethe, who is twenty years his senior and the most celebrated German author of his time.When they noticed that a small group of nobles accompanied by their entourage were coming toward them along the same path, Goethe followed the custom of the day and stepped aside, bowing to his social superiors as they passed. Beethoven, however, kept to his course, walking straight through the middle of the group, with his hands behind his back, head high, eyes forward. Catching up with his companion, a shocked Goethe asked how he could be so disrespectful toward the nobility, to which Beethoven replied, "There are thousands of them, but only two of us."

To sum up, civility, politeness, and good manners rest on the observance of conventions. However, nowdays knowledge, technology, economic organization, life style, beliefs, and values are constantly evolving. Rudeness has its new updating definition in current multiple culture. So to be rude or not depend on a case by case basis.

zombiee

6月12日 090403 NA
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers' salaries.

In modern society, it is commonsense that children are the future of human, and that teachers are shaping our future. It is no secret that teachers are given the respect they deserve. But in the remote undeveloped areas teachers are even living beyond their incomes. These teachers are underpaid for their invaluable services to today’s youth. As far as I am concerned,  increase teacher’s salaries will improve the quality of education to some extent.

To begin with, improving teachers salaries is more likely to improve the quality of education by helping retain high-quality teachers, or by motivating teachers to improve their efforts in the classroom. Many of government finance polices are designed to improve the living standard of teachers in undeveloped area. For instance, the Hope project in China is motivated to improve the material circumstance of education and salaries given to teachers. Now after years of implement of the policy increased salaries harvest improved quality of education.

But this increasing salary strategy is not worked if the teachers is already well paid and or the teacher is not deserve the increased salary. Unfortunately, research consistently finds that those attributes are unrelated to a teacher's effectiveness. Simply increasing the amount of money that a teacher is paid for earning a master's degree or sticking around another year will not motivate her to improve her effectiveness in the classroom. True, higher salaries should lead more people to enter the profession—but an increase in teacher candidates shouldn't be expected to improve teacher quality, either. That's because research consistently shows that just about nothing we can observe about a teacher before she enters the classroom accurately predicts how effective she'll be. Some people have what it takes to be a great teacher, and some don't--and we have no way to tell before they start teaching. Increasing the pool of people who want to become teachers won't improve teacher quality unless school systems can accurately identify the best and worst candidates. However, They can't.

Finally, higher teacher salaries should be expected to increase teacher retention—but higher salaries are just as attractive to bad teachers as they are to great teachers. Increasing teacher salaries across the board without consideration of how effective a teacher is in the classroom, then, won't improve teacher quality.

To sum up, Simply increasing teacher salaries without addressing the system by which those salaries are distributed will solve nothing. However, if we finally address the archaic and counterproductive compensation system for public school teachers—so that it pays effective teachers more than it pays ineffective ones—then improving teacher salaries might finally make sense.

zombiee

6月13日110211 NA
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents should allow their children to make mistakes and let them learn from their own mistakes.


As Galieo said, "You cannot teach a man anyting; you can only help him find it within himself." Nowadays as science and technology are improving our daily life, everone has his oppotunity to be successful. When we walk into a bookstore, there are tens or hundreds books and viedo tapes on the topic of sucess. Moreover, there are bunch of pedagogies about teaching children to become suceed. "Never lose at the starting line " is the most used slogan. Parents and caretakers of children want the same for their children. The desire to see children be successful may lead to much too care for the children. In my perspective, somtimes parents should allow their children to make mistakes and let them learn from their own mistakes.
First of all, when parents "help" their children avoiding mistakes, they are at the same time to instill dependence in them. By offering clues, suggestions, asking questions to stimulate a solution parents take the place of their children to be independently solve the problem. Maybe teaching children to avoid mistake can bring us the illusion of helping them to succeed, but it never works when the children face the chellenge by themselves. In addition when parents allow the child to solve a problem or complete a difficult task, they show the children their trust for solving the problem alone. This trust will help them in developing teamworking spirits with others in their careers afterward. Thirdly, experience and mental virtue come from internal factors, every great man has his success from the process that he make mistakes, solve problems ,struggles and come out triumphant.  Almost every achivement in our life may depend on the trial-and-error experiment, why strip off children their own natrual given rights to learn from mistakes.

In addition, most great men achieve their sucess through learning from mistakes. For instance, when the great scientist Einstan was still a little boy, his teacher told him to drop school because he was too slow to catch up with his classmates. But he never admitted he was not good as others and kept on studying to become a famous inventor. When Mickael Jordan was in high school, his PE teacher told him that he was not qualified for the basketball team player. He locked himself in  the changing room and cried, then he kept on practice and finally become the superstar in basketball.


However, in fact there are some mistakes parents should interrupt. For example, if a child's safety is under threat, and when the consequences of had behavior is serious. When the child is still a toddler, parents should keep them from playing fire, broken glasses, and dangerous material. When the child bully his classmates and lie to others for a long time and the consequence is vague in a long run, his parent should preach the child and tell him the serious consequence of him bad behavior.

In sum, learning from mistakes could help children to be independent, trustful, self-esteemed, and innovative. But parents have to keep their children from danger too. We are not born with experience and knowledge, we learn it mostly from our own mistakes. So without failure there is no success, and it is important to allow children to fail and make mistakes in a healthy and supportive manner.

vanessa923

黄色好，红色改，蓝色建议。
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers' salaries.

In modern society, it is commonsense that children are the future of human, and that teachers are shaping our future. It is no secret that teachers are given the respect they deserve. But in the remote undeveloped areas teachers are even living beyond their incomes. These teachers are underpaid for their invaluable services to today’s youth. As far as I am concerned,  increase teacher’s salaries will improve the quality of education to some extent.

To begin with, improving teachers salaries is more likely to improve the quality of education by helping retain high-quality teachers, or by motivating teachers toimprove their efforts（有点奇怪） in the classroom. Many of government finance polices（？） are designed to improve the living standard of teachers in undeveloped area. For instance, the Hope project in China is motivated to improve the material circumstance of education and salaries given to teachers. Now after years of implement of the policy increased salaries harvest improved quality of education.

But this increasing salary strategy is not worked if the teachers is already well paid and or the teacher is not deserve（d） the increased salary. Unfortunately, research consistently finds that those attributes are unrelated to a teacher's effectiveness. Simply increasing the amount of money that a teacher is paid for earning a master's degree or sticking around another year will not motivate her to improve her effectiveness in the classroom. True, higher salaries should lead more people to enter the profession—but an increase in teacher candidates shouldn't be expected to（用are not supposed to 会更好）  improve teacher quality, either. That's because research consistently（你好像很喜欢用这词呢，呵呵) shows that just about nothing we can observe about a teacher before she enters the classroom accurately predicts how effective she'll be.（很奇怪） Some people have what it takes to be a great teacher, and some don't--and we have no way to tell before they start teaching. Increasing the pool of people who want to become teachers won't improve teacher quality unless school systems can accurately identify the best and worst candidates. However, They can't.

Finally, higher teacher salaries should be expected to increase teacher retention—but higher salaries are just as attractive to bad teachers as they are to great teachers.（句子不错） Increasing teacher salaries across the board without consideration of how effective a teacher is in the classroom, then, won't improve teacher quality.

To sum up, Simply increasing teacher salaries without addressing the system by which those salaries are distributed will solve nothing. However, if we finally address the archaic and counterproductive compensation system for public school teachers—so that it pays effective teachers more than it pays ineffective ones—（这里的破折号用法我不是很清楚，不好评判。）then improving teacher salaries might finally make sense.
总结：
语句还算通顺。有些表达不太地道。第二个论据说的有些混乱与空荡，建议加些实例，而不是单纯的说理。
加油！

zombiee

黄色好，红色改，蓝色建议。
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers' salaries.

In modern society, it is commonsense that children are the future of human, and that teachers are shaping our future. It is no secret that teachers are given the respect they deserve. But in the remote undeveloped areas teachers are even living beyond their incomes. These teachers are underpaid for their invaluable services to today’s youth. As far as I am concerned,  increase teacher’s salaries will improve the quality of education to some extent.

To begin with, improving teachers salaries is more likely to improve the quality of education by helping retain high-quality teachers, or by motivating teachers toimprove their efforts（有点奇怪） in the classroom. Many of government finance polices（？） are designed to improve the living standard of teachers in undeveloped area. For instance, the Hope project in China is motivated to improve the material circumstance of education and salaries given to teachers. Now after years of implement of the policy increased salaries harvest improved quality of education.

But this increasing salary strategy is not worked if the teachers is already well paid and or the teacher is not deserve（d） the increased salary. Unfortunately, research consistently finds that those attributes are unrelated to a teacher's effectiveness. Simply increasing the amount of money that a teacher is paid for earning a master's degree or sticking around another year will not motivate her to improve her effectiveness in the classroom. True, higher salaries should lead more people to enter the profession—but an increase in teacher candidates shouldn't be expected to（用are not supposed to 会更好）  improve teacher quality, either. That's because research consistently（你好像很喜欢用这词呢，呵呵) shows that just about nothing we can observe about a teacher before she enters the classroom accurately predicts how effective she'll be.（很奇怪） Some people have what it takes to be a great teacher, and some don't--and we have no way to tell before they start teaching. Increasing the pool of people who want to become teachers won't improve teacher quality unless school systems can accurately identify the best and worst candidates. However, They can't.

Finally, higher teacher salaries should be expected to increase teacher retention—but higher salaries are just as attractive to bad teachers as they are to great teachers.（句子不错） Increasing teacher salaries across the board without consideration of how effective a teacher is in the classroom, then, won't improve teacher quality.

To sum up, Simply increasing teacher salaries without addressing the system by which those salaries are distributed will solve nothing. However, if we finally address the archaic and counterproductive compensation system for public school teachers—so that it pays effective teachers more than it pays ineffective ones—（这里的破折号用法我不是很清楚，不好评判。）then improving teacher salaries might finally make sense.
总结：
语句还算通顺。有些表达不太地道。第二个论据说的有些混乱与空荡，建议加些实例，而不是单纯的说理。
加油！

-- by 会员 vanessa923 (2012/6/13 21:58:03)

谢谢，我例子确实很缺，提醒了我，你也加油

包子不包子

6月13日110211 NA
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents should allow their children to make mistakes and let them learn from their own mistakes.


As Galieo said, "You cannot teach a man anyting everything?; you can only help him to find it within himself." Nowadays as science and technology are improving our daily life, everone has his oppotunity to be successful. When we walk into a bookstore, there are tens or of hundreds books and viedo tapes on the topic of sucess. Moreover, there are bunch of pedagogies about teaching children to become suceed. "Never lose at the starting line " is the most used slogan. Parents and caretakers of children want the same for their children. The desire to see children to be successful may lead to much too too much care for the children. In from my perspective, somtimes parents should allow their children to make mistakes and let them learn from their own mistakes.

First of all, when parents "help" their children avoiding mistakes, they are at the same time to instill dependence in them. they them 的指代不大明白 By offering clues, suggestions, asking questions to stimulate a solution parents take the place of their children to be independently solve the problem. 这句彻底不明白了...Maybe teaching children to avoid mistakes can bring us the illusion of helping them to succeed, but it never works when the children face the chellenges by themselves. In addition when parents allow the children to solve a problem or complete a difficult task, they show the children their trust for solving the problem alone. This trust will help them in developing teamworking spirits with others in their careers afterward. Thirdly, experience and mental virtue come from internal factors, every great man has his success from the process that he make mistakes, solve problems ,struggles and come out triumphant. Almost every achivement in our life may depend on the trial-and-error experiment, why strip off children their own natrual given rights to learn from mistakes.
注意细节 都是小错误
个别句子可以在简练些
这段讲了三个原因啊 有风险吧 一段一个topic比较保险

In addition, most great successful men achieve their sucess through learning from mistakes. For instance, when the great scientist Einstan was still a little boy, his teacher told him to drop school because he was too slow to catch up with his classmates. But he never admitted he was not good as others and kept on studying to become a famous inventor 是scientist吧. When Mickael Jordan was in high school, his PE teacher told him that he was not qualified for the basketball team player. He locked himself in the changing room and cried, then he kept on practice and finally become the superstar in basketball.
achieve their sucess through learning from mistakes是topic但是在后面的例子中 没有对mistakes的展开 描述
可以对一个例子细致展开

However, in fact there are some mistakes parents should interrupt. For example, if a child's safety is under threat, and when the consequences of had？？ behavior is serious. When the child is still a toddler, parents should keep them from playing fire, broken glasses, and dangerous material. When the child bully his classmates and lie to others for a long time and the consequence is vague in a long run, his parent should preach the child and tell him the serious consequence出现好多遍 换个词outcome results of him bad behavior.

In sum, learning from mistakes could help children to be independent, trustful, self-esteemed, and innovative. But parents have to keep their children from danger too. We are not born with experience and knowledge, we learn it mostly from our own mistakes. So without failure there is no success, and it is important to allow children to fail and make mistakes in a healthy and supportive manner.