[写作小分队] 6.30考试，作文没信心了，求看下这样的水平要怎么再提高啊！

包子不包子

Couch potato comes to be characters of more and more children. For this reason, a debate about whether or not a regulation on children's activities before TV is heated. As to me, I agree to the statement that parents should make a limitation of time spent on TV for children. Make consideration from angles of physical and mental health.

First of all, increasing pressure of school-work and after-school program squeezes 这样不大对 感觉 recreational time seriously. In such condition it is not a wise choice to use TV as entertainment.前两句的逻辑不强啊Watching television dues to a shrinked slepping time, since it is difficult 为什么 difficult解释一下 for children to go to bed on time from cartoon. That procrastination could result in a bad habit, and also lead nodding off in classes. But 最好不要用but 在句首worse, even though children have a clear plan about watching TV, it is still not good for children's physical health. A research showed that long-time sedentary hour during daytime, such as sitting in the couch, added 3.1 minutes to the time it took to fall asleep. And then scientists also found that fall asleep faster also sleep for longer, which has a huge effect on efficiency in daytime. In this sense, both the time spent on the TV, and even this activity itself is not good for children's physical health.

In addition, content of many programs could have bad effect on the developing mental health of the young. Early-maturing gains more and more换一个说法 gradual increasing attention in public. This may contribute tomedia from which children require information, of course, TV is the most convenient and accessible one. For increasing number of program about violent and pron, or somewhat include such kinds of contents is increasing, in a least-governed media environment. There is no other way better than limiting portion of recreational time 直接说time spend on TV 就好了吧 spent on TV.

However, as before, I listed supporting points for my idea, but that does not mean there are no beneficial sides of watching TV. There is undeniable benefit of TV to broaden horizon for children. By watching National Geography Channel is a great choice for the whole family to have afun after dinner. This way of entertainment could also give some topic for children and his/ her friends.

In conclusion, even though that is a way of gaining knowledge and also offering chances for communication. The bad effects outweigh its beneficial effects 换词 effect 重复好多 benefits, thus limitation of time before TV is necessary. A better way to solve such a problem, parents should make an example for them children, such as habits of our-door activities and choosing helpful programs 解释一下 不明白.

用词蛮好  结构也没有可挑剔的地方
说下不足吧
段内逻辑感不是很强 句子可以在简洁一些 有些词语突然出现需要解释解释

包子不包子

In the listening passage professor expressed her attitude to three solutions to the decline of Torreya, she said those three mentioned in the reading material are not satisfied to address the phenomenon of declining.

As to the first solution, that is, planting Torreya in the former habitants in northern part of Florida, the professor said that it would not be successful. Since some factors have influence the damp and cool area, which is called microclimate in the reading passage. Even though microclimate is relatively small area and different with the larger environment, but it could be influenced by weather change happened in larger area. As mentioned in the listening material, global warming had a bad effect on the former habitants of Torreya. In addition, wet land is seriously shrinking in the north of Florida. From the consideration of climate in large environment, professor show opposition to the first solution.

Then the professor came to the second solution, that is relocating Torreya to a totally new location. For illustrating her opposition to this, the professor gave us an example. Once another kind of tree has been relocated to a new area, it made a huge bad effect on the new area-it expanded so quickly that result in an unwelcome outcome for other plants in this area, where it is replanted. From this example, we find that it is unwise to move Torreya to a new environment.

Finally, the professor opposed the third way mentioned in the reading passage, preserving Torreya in research centers, from the practical matter of this way. As described in the listening passage, it is impossible to keep such kind of plant in the environment of research centers, since it could not resist disease in the small population. In this sense, it is impossible to preserve such kind of plants in an experimental way, for the reason of the dense and amount of planting in such area.

In all, professor shows her opposition to the three way listed in the passage, from for outside impact, undesirable effect and practical matter.


细节很全面啊 非常全面
但是语言不够简洁 对细节的叙述有些复杂了 所以字数就多了吧

joan31217

6.9
As to present situation of education, I strongly agree to the statement that education comes to be more and more easier with the development of economics, technology, as well as, our ideas about meaning of education. My supporting points are described as follow.(开头有点短，第一句交代个背景句比较好）

First of all, environment contributes to foundation of increasing chances for us to learn. Obviously, we, students could not have opportunities in any wartime. Here is an illustrative example from my grandpa. He is 90-year old, who once served in the Red Army - that is, predecessor of the Chinese Liberation Army, he has not had any chance to be fully educated. At the prime time for learning, he had no choice just to devote himself to the liberation our country （这句话意思写反了吧）. Contracting to the past, it is so lucky for us that most of countries in the world keep a harmonious and peaceful developing order, even in some undeveloped places, such as Africa, both financial and human recourses are donated from other richer countries to help children there.  Knowledge society and peaceful surroundings ensure our learning environment.

In addition, more accesses and methods （没说清楚，是啥access 和methods，加个从句解释下比较好）than before is another factor influencing educational condition now. In such a peace environment, more financial has been allocate in technology and education developments. Steve jobs open a new world of learning, by iphone, ipad, cloud technology. Now learning could not be a long-trip to developing areas in my country or in the other side of world. （不懂这句话）As a student in an ordinary university in an underdevelopment inland city in the western China, I could use network through iphone, ipad to watch online lectures, just as American students in the Ivy League. Access of education is broadening by technology, finding accessible resource for learning is easier and easier, comparing with paper-made resources.

Last but not least, changing concept of learning become an effective motivation for educating. While education is a tool for the young to make more money, of course it is still true today, but there is a change in some other areas, such as college for the aged, cooking classes for housewife. Different with the past, it is a fashion of learning among every age and professional area. There is a huge need among us, naturally more and more products to satisfy with us. In this sense, learning gaining more attention comes to be a way to self-fulfilling, even a way to relax.

In conclusion, how fortunate we are in a peaceful political environment with increasing advancing technology add convenient to our learning, and also with an internal motivation to learn everything in every age group. Those all make us live in an easier world to be educated.

1.对不起，最近家里有点事改晚了。
2，语法基本没什么问题，但是有的句子太chinglish.
3.论点不错，但是第一个论点和第二个论点有点交叉。
4，开头和结尾最好再饱满一些。

zljdsz

6.13 integrated
In the listening material, it described a contract evaluation about genetic modified tress. There is sure to have some benefits, some drawbacks and problems are caused at the same time, just opposition to three benefits - harder, more economic earns and protection to wild trees listed in the reading passage.

In terms of resistance of genetic modified trees, professor said they are more likely to die out if facing, such as, climate changes, insects.  Since modified trees are too uniform, for one kind of traditional trees, while most of them could be died, there is still a small portion could survive, which are resistance to such disease.  In this sense, modified tress could be weak than nature trees, just opposite to the valuation in the reading passage.

As regards to economic benefits, professor said it would be more expensive for farmers, just an opposition to which could let farmers earn money more and faster. Because, at first, the seeds of modified tress are expensive, and then they should not get seeds from former ones, just as traditional planting, they should purchase cost seeds again by law. Thus, this hidden cost contrary to faster and greater earn mentioned in the reading passage.

Finally, it is more damages to wild tress, which is a objection to what is said in the reading passage.  As modified ones grow faster and are planted among traditional ones, they would outcompete traditional ones in terms of sunshine, nutrient, water and etc., ending up with ruling out natural wild tress.

All in all, professor made three oppositions, that is, weaker to a certain disease, more hidden cost even with fast growing, and damage to wild tress as well, to what was said in the reading passage. Therefore, the professor show doubts to the writer.

zljdsz

6.13 independent
Through whole life time we would make kinds of wrong choices or deeds, without exception during childhood. Someone said child is so young that could be helped to avoid make any mistake, for building a better mental development. As to me, just in opposite, in purpose of getting full development we should leave them free to some mistakes, which are life-long cherished lessons.

Firstly, a too easy living childhood without any depressions, after making mistakes, may make a wrong illusion for us about real world. Needless to say, if you had got anything straight forward without experiences about mistakes, you would think the whole world should like that. Childhood is our first and only first time to build an understanding relating to our living environment. Such illusion is sure to be obstacle to deal with such high pressure and complex society. For instance, a child, who did "right" things planned by parents, no criticize would he meet, how can he deal with punishments by boss. Such illusion could make us unsuitable for nowadays society.

In addition, making mistakes should be a way to improve ability and be a competitive person. Without mistakes, children could have no chances to make a self-examination and understanding of self, which is a later step after making mistakes. Once, mistakes have been made, we may find so depression that experience a difficult time following that. That is good timing to let us have a lesson about how to encourage ourselves and find a way to avoid such wrong deeds in the future. In this sense, making mistakes is a push to help us to build our mental health and to be a positive person.

Finally, let us come to a practical matter of fact, how can we keep right in childhood with a immature intelligences? There would be various answers, but I bet it could not be child' self. Those answers would naturally leave us a question, whether they could help me for our whole life-time. Mostly, parents come to be the answer to the question before, as our teachers and also assistances, just as a crutch. Whereas, no matter how strong the wish we could be a child under protecting by parents are, we must face alone time in the way of life and learn grow up. Thus, as a part and appreciate part of life experience, we must have to do our own choice and make our own mistakes.

In conclusion, mistakes may be hard pill on the one hand, while at some moments we would applaud for ourselves for mistakes and lessons we have made and obtained. Just as a Chinese old saying, bitter medicine is in favor of disease. Thus, let us embrace chances to obstacles, and then be brave to face our mistakes.

zljdsz

6.11independent
We have been taught that always be polite, which is a mirror reflects a person's educated and cultivated backgrounds. There is some situations, however, at which impoliteness could be understandable and forgiven. Thus, as to the statement, we have not any reasons to do impolite manners; I hold an opposition to it.  

First, it is too difficult to control our emotion to be polite in some specific circumstances and contexts. Some time, we could out of control with anger, annoy, anxiety, worry and etc., no matter how hard we say to ourselves "smile, calm down". This definitely happens to everyone of us.  For example, once a time I quarreled with my friends for divergence to a matter. As accumulating fierce, my angry come to outweigh my reason, I cry to her with some broken heart words doubting our relationship, even use some cuss words.  Afterwards, I found shame to her and made an apologize. Nevertheless, how difficult we are to never be impolite to our friends in a life-long time, we should give us a understanding to ourselves, as well as, our friends, in such  ambivalent and conflicting conditions.

In addition, politeness is built on respectively polite manner and respect. To some people, our politeness would be interpreted to cowardice,  that would abet base men and villains. This is not good for building a harmonious society and unequal to other noble ones. Some students talk phone loudly in library has not been stopped and criticized, out of consideration - that is not polite to break someone's talk. It both destroys other studying students and also made ill-manner examples for others. But, worse, let some well-mannered students doubt on themselves, which lead to a vicious circle. In this sense, impolite manners do not deserve a polite treatment.

As before, I made some exception about impoliteness, whereas politeness still is a mirror reflects our well-educated backgrounds and respectful characteristics. I think over this question like this: polite should be put in priority in any relationship, even to some rude ones, using polite manner to inspire them.  But impoliteness in allowed some time. All this determine by the norm whether it is beneficial to building a environment of politeness, or not.

In conclusion, well-mannered is my rule of conducts, it all based on a good influence on building my own personality and others' attitude to be polite. I think it is so hard that never to be impolite in any condition for myself and others, especially in some specific contexts.

nirvanababy

亲，你速度好快啊！！！

zljdsz

6.11 integrated
Bill made a speaking which is totally different with the points made in the reading passge. He is a student, who has a part-time job as buzzer. He used his personal experience to show his oppositions to the three critics to buzzers, that is, buzzers are paid to tell lie, customers are less critical to buzzers and buzzers destroy relationship.

In terms of the first point, Bill made an objection to this point what buzzer said is not truth as mentioned in the reading passage, using his experience as buzzer for a cell phone company. He said that the company just hired someone who used  their products and thought it is good. Moreover, the phone company did not order them to talk about good characters of products only. They just talked about real using experience. In this sense, Bill made an example contrary to the point in reading passage.

As regards to the second point, Bill said his customer talk to him critically, different with less critically mentioned in the reading material. Bill said they often asked some questions about price, service and how long did Bill use it, if he could not answer to any of them. Customers will not buy. Thus, Bill said it is not right to say customers are less critical to buzzers.

Finally, Bill made a different idea to the reading passage that buzzers do not destroy relationship, just as described in the passage.  Since buzzers did not tell lie in their propaganda, they just tell the truth. Thus, in the end, customers will try the products and have a nice experience, with a good relationship with buzzer, as well as. For building relationship, Bill made a totally different point to the reading passage.

In all, Bill used his personal experience as buzzer, made an opposition to how misleading and dishonest buzzers are, from what buzzer said, what effect on customers and what influence on relationship.

jasonma2046

红色为修改，黄色为亮点
Through whole life time we would make kinds of wrong choices or deeds, without exception during childhood. Someone said a child is so young that could be helped to avoid make (making/avoid doing sth.) any mistake, for building a better mental development( for mentally develop themselves). As to me, just in the opposite, in purpose of getting full development we should leave them free to some mistakes, which are life-long cherished lessons.

Firstly, a too easy living childhood without any depressions, after making mistakes, may make a wrong illusion for us about the real world. Needless to say, if you had got anything straight forward without experiences about mistakes, you would think the whole world should like that. Childhood is our first and onlyfirst time to build an understanding relating to our living environment. Such illusion is sure to be an obstacle to deal with such high pressure(建议改为highly competitive) and complex society. For instance, a child, who did "right" things planned by parents,

(Without countering any criticism)no criticize would he meet, how can he deal with punishments byfrom his boss. Such illusion could make us unsuitable for nowadays society.

In addition, making mistakes should be a way to improve ability and be a competitive person. Without mistakes, children could have no chances to make a self-examination and understanding of himself, which is a later step after making mistakes. Once, mistakes have been made, we may find so depression feel so depressed that and experience a difficult time following that. That is good timing to let us have a lesson about how to encourage ourselves and find a way to avoid such wrong deeds in the future. In this sense, making mistakes is a push to help us to build our mental health and to be a positive person.

Finally, let us come to a practical matter of fact, how can we keep right in childhood with a immature intelligences( intelligence是不可数的吧？)? There would be various answers, but I bet it could not be child' self. Those answers would naturally leave us a question, whether they could help me for our whole life-time. Mostly, parents come to be the answer to the question before, as our teachers and also assistances, just as a crutch. Whereas, no matter how strong the wish we could be a child under protecting by parents are, we must face alone time in the way of life and learn grow up. Thus, as a part and appreciate part of life experience, we must have to do our own choice and make our own mistakes. （这段话有点含糊不清，不太清楚意思）

In conclusion, mistakes may be hard pill on the one hand, while at some moments we would applaud for ourselves for mistakes and lessons we have made and obtained. Just as a Chinese old saying, bitter medicine is in favor of disease. Thus, let us embrace chances to obstacles, and then be brave to face our mistakes.



Conclusion:

论证较充分，结构也很好，只是注意要清楚的表达自己的意思，如果不能用长句就用短句子。再接再厉！