请大家点评. TWE-68

seinfeld0923

The question at hand is should the government spend as much money on outer space exploring as
on our basic needs on earth. Upon this issue, different people hold distinctive views due to their respective
standpoints and backgrounds. Some agree such proposal, claiming that our live will benefit from this adventure.
As far as I am concerned, however, I totally disagree, and my position can be greatly substantiated by the
following discussions.

To begin with, we have countless basic challenges in our planet now. As we know, in Africa, many people
face famine, poverty and sickness every day. They are suffering these disasters which wealthy individuals
do not know at all. According to the statistics of UN in 2001, about 3,000,000 people died due to flood, drought
and AIDS worldwide. Obviously, our top priority task is eliminating these famine, poverty and sickness as soon
as possible. It is hard imagine that on the one hand, people hail the success adventure of Mars; on the other
hand, millions of human beings struggle to obtain some baisc needs, such as food, water and fundamental
medical care.

Moreover, our environment is deteriorated in the past 20th century. Ozone layers are almost depleted by the
emissions released by automobiles, electricity plants and heating facilities. As a result, our skin exposes directly to
radiations of sun, thereby increasing dramatically the possibilities of skin cancer. Furthermore, due to green
house effect, the globe warming which melts south pole icebergs is the serious issue we should take care.
If we fail to pay enough attention to this problem, the sea level will inevitably rise, flooding many cities ultimately.

Nevertheless, we do not deny that there are some advantages about exploring outer space, such as stimulating
our desires of imagination and creativity. However, when face above severe problems now, we can take
the wise step, that is, dealing with our planet basic needs.

In sum, taking into account previously mentioned reasons, which are adequate and persuasvie, we can arrive
at the conclusion that though exploring outer space has some rosy prospects , satisfying all the human beings' basic
needs is the first.

[此贴子已经被作者于2004-9-29 1:09:29编辑过]

snow_mountain

http://forum.chasedream.com/dispbbs.asp?boardID=68&ID=63945&page=1

guandream

以下是引用seinfeld0923在2004-9-28 23:48:00的发言：

The question(it is not a question) at hand is (that)should the government (should) spend as much money on outer space exploring as
on our basic needs on earth. Upon this issue, different people hold distinctive views due to their respective
standpoints and backgrounds. Some agree such proposal, claiming that our live(life) will benefit from this adventure.
As far as I am concerned, however, I totally disagree, and my position can be greatly substantiated by the
following discussions.

To begin with, we have countless basic challenges in our planet now. As we know, in Africa, many people
face famine, poverty and sickness every day. They are suffering these disasters which wealthy individuals
do not know at all. According to the statistics of UN in 2001, about 3,000,000 people died due to flood, drought
and AIDS worldwide. Obviously, our top priority task is eliminating these famine, poverty and sickness as soon
as possible. It is hard imagine that on the one hand, people hail the success adventure of Mars; on the other
hand, millions of human beings struggle to obtain some baisc needs, such as food, water and fundamental
medical care.(so what? you mention a lot of problems that human beings are confronted with, but nothing relates to the space program. you assume that the funds can go to Africa rather than space program. if you state this point directly, it makes readers clearer.)

Moreover, our environment is deteriorated in the past 20th century. Ozone layers are almost (it is not true)depleted by the
emissions released by automobiles,  electricity plants and heating facilities. As a result, our skin exposes directly to
radiations of sun, thereby increasing dramatically the possibilities of skin cancer. Furthermore, due to green
house effect, the globe warming which melts south pole icebergs is the serious issue we should take care.
If we fail to pay enough attention to this problem, the sea level will inevitably rise, flooding many cities ultimately.

Nevertheless, we do not deny that there are some advantages about exploring outer space, such as stimulating
our desires of imagination and creativity. However, when face above severe problems now, we can take
the wise step, that is, dealing with our planet basic needs.

In sum, taking into account previously mentioned reasons, which are adequate and persuasvie, we can arrive
at the conclusion that though exploring outer space has some rosy prospects , satisfying all the human beings' basic
needs is the first.

good conclusion

your language is good. but when you support your idea, there are two things that confused me: you make a big assumption that money should spend to the plant if money doesnot spend on the space program; you try to extragerate problems about wealthy individuals and Ozone layers and the global warming. these issues are debatble, and  lots people in north America disaggree.

seinfeld0923

Thank you for your advice,guandream. However, does it really matter about the position of the author? I heard ETS does not care your standpoint, but the content. Is that true? Thank you again, because you are the only person remarking my essay so far.

guandream

the position of the author is not important, but the the eviedences the author use to support the idea should be believable. otherwise, the essay will not convice readers. when I read your essay, I had this feeling.

by the way,  you can participate in answering some questions to help others and improve yourselfe, and then more reasers do the same thing. and I believe that it can make more progress.

thanks

seinfeld0923

I got it. I will modify it according to your advice, thanks, man.