[求助]twe030求各位同好改正-hncsxj向6分冲刺！

hncsxj

030 It has recently been announced that a new high school may be built in your community. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details in your answer.

There is a public controversy nowadays over the issue of whether it is worthwhile to build a school in the local community or not. On one side, there is the classical-or purely economic view that the only purpose of a community is to house residents. On the other side stands the social and environmental position, which holds that a community’s purpose goes well beyond housing residents. As far as I am concerned, I strongly support the latter. In the follow discussion, I would like to reason and provide evidence to support my viewpoint.

To begin with, education delivery is an indispensable part of a mature community. Modern urban planning analysis contends that community is an integrated entity, in that its success largely depends on the diverse services that it can offer. Specially, this analysis indicates that the education service plays a critical role in the community’s livability. One typical example is that more than 54% of communities planned in 1970s in China gradually have declined partly due to the lack of local education services. Another example is that a wise buyer will not choose a community without a local school because it is of great trouble for him to drive a long way to take his kids to a school located in another district. Therefore, nowadays, a community without a school is no longer favored.

Next, no issue is more important than environment amelioration with the deterioration of both natural and urban environment. The public, the local government and the real-estate developers have tried almost all the measures to improve the environment. Generally, a school will benefit the community environment at least in two aspects. On one hand its buildings are more vivid and characteristic than the houses or the apartments and hence the school becomes the landmark of the local area. On the other hand, a school may have large lawn and picturesque woods, which are ideal places not only for the students but also for the residents to enjoy their leisure time. As a result, the school makes the community environment more beautiful and attractive.

However, dissenters may deem that a school will occupy the pricey land and lead to a tight fiscal budget. Obviously, they failed to realize that not establishing a local school would eventually have some negative effects on the sustainable development of the community. Besides, if the residents have to wait until all the community problems are perfectly solved before they can own a local school, they will have to be waiting forever. Hence, building a school is undoubtedly benefit to the community.

To sum up, it is safe to reach the conclusion that building a school carries more weight to serve the community. In order to improve the community quality, we must endeavor to build public consensus and take effective and efficient measures to ensure the implementation of the local school-building plan.

[此贴子已经被作者于2004-10-31 21:24:20编辑过]

snow_mountain

楼主可以不用跪求这么吓人的标题嘛？ 呵呵。

看了一遍。 有以下几个问题：

1. 部分用词不是很地道。

education delivery    没听说过这种表达。 要是楼主看到native speakers 这样说， 就当我白说。

Modern urban planning analysis contends that community is an integrated entity, in that its success largely depends on the diverse services that it can offer.   in that 用在这里不好。

2. 观点的问题

虽然， 我基本不认为观点的问题会对评分产生什么影响。 但是我还是觉得这篇文章的观点不是很convincing. 当然， 这也是我的个人看法。如果说得不对， 楼主不要生气。

there is the classical-or purely economic view   从经济学的角度来讲， 小区里面只建住宅并不经济， 只是省钱。 经济跟省钱还是两个概念的。

但是总得来说， 第二段的阐述还是令人信服的。

Next, no issue is more important than environment amelioration with the deterioration of both natural and urban environment. The public, the local government and the real-estate developers have tried almost all the measures to improve the environment. Generally, a school will benefit the community environment at least in two aspects. On one hand its buildings are more vivid and characteristic than the houses or the apartments and hence the school becomes the landmark of the local area. On the other hand, a school may have large lawn and picturesque woods, which are ideal places not only for the students but also for the residents to enjoy their leisure time. As a result, the school makes the community environment more beautiful and attractive  

个人觉得这段讲的比较牵强。 第一点， 学校的建筑vividness 跟环境改善并没有很大的联系。相反， 如果学校给生活区带来了噪音， 可能是一种环境污染。  第二点， large lawn 本身也不是非要建学校才能有的。

Besides, if the residents have to wait until all the community problems are perfectly solved before they can own a local school, they will have to be waiting forever.    这点本身不能说明建学校势在必行。 假如其他问题更重要，当然是先解决了其他问题， 再学校。 你要说明的是建学校的必要和紧迫性。

3. 模板的问题

Next, no issue is more important than environment amelioration with the deterioration of both natural and urban environment.     我个人最不喜欢模板里面的这句话。 主要原因不在这句话本身。 而是，大多数写作者用这句话时候并没有打算阐述how important the issue is， 就贸贸然的把这句大话套用了。 所以让这句话看起来特别的空， 明显是套上去的。 我个人不建议使用，除非下面有有力的论述支持。

虽然我自认为自己的语感很好，以上的意见完全是个人看法。可能有失偏颇。

[此贴子已经被作者于2004-9-24 16:25:58编辑过]

hncsxj

谢谢bryony修改！

1. education delivery   

我在最近老是听到电视里讨论health delivery, 似懂非懂；自己造了education delivery,又在google search,约有48,000项符合"education delivery"的查询结果.这个词有，只是不知这里用合适不？btw,我自己对不确定的用法就打上引号用google search, 要是能找出几千，几万，再结合search结果的上下文，对比自己的上下文，我再用（对自己发现的google用法得意一把。有时候只search出几十个，而且居然发现结果大都来自中国大学的网站，嗬嗬！

In that 的用法：我不是很明白，可否再建详细一点？或者改为什么词？这段我是改自：Minority business ownership is a group-level phenomon, in that it is largely dependent upon social-group resource for its development.这是我第一次看到in that，查字典是表因果...反正我还是不明不白得，请教bryony GG

2 .观点的问题

经你这么一说，我觉得挺有道理的。我再改一改。我想，为了保证模版的通用，理由，观点尽量出自14黄金理由，所以就扣了环境和经济的大帽子。仔细推敲，有时还真有点牵强。

3。 no issue....

我一直这么写，真是一句话惊醒梦中人！改！

hncsxj

南瓜，是我错了，一定改。不过二位是我的偶像啊！

hncsxj

再版：请一起奋斗的朋友们提意见

There is a public controversy nowadays over the issue of whether it is worthwhile to build a school in the local community or not. On one side, there is the classical view that the only purpose of a community is to house residents and building a school is not worthwhile. On the other side stands the social and environmental position, which holds that a community's purpose goes well beyond housing residents and building a school is necessary. As far as I am concerned, I strongly support the latter. In the follow discussion, I would like to reason and provide evidence to support my viewpoint.

To begin with, education service is an organic part of a mature community. Modern urban planning analysis contends that community is an integrated entity, in that its success largely depends on the diverse services that it can offer. Specially, this analysis indicates that the education service plays a critical role in the community's livability. One typical example is that more than 54% of communities planned in 1970s in China gradually have declined partly due to the lack of local education services. Another example is that a wise buyer will not choose a community without a local school because it is of great trouble for him to drive a long way to take his kids to a school located in another district. Therefore, nowadays, a community without a school is no longer favored.

Next, a school will benefit the community environment at least in two aspects with a growing appreciation of the importance of environment. In the view of architecture, its buildings are more vivid and characteristic than the houses or the apartments and hence the school usually becomes one of the landmarks of the local area. In the view of ecology, a school may have large lawn and picturesque woods, which can purify the air, decrease the carbon dioxide and prevent noise. As a result, the school makes the community environment more beautiful and attractive.

However, dissenters may deem that a school will occupy the pricey land and lead to a tight fiscal budget. Obviously, they failed to realize that not establishing a local school would eventually have some negative effects on the sustainable development of the community. Hence, building a school is undoubtedly benefit to the community.

To sum up, it is safe to reach the conclusion that building a school carries more weight to serve the community. In order to improve the community quality, we must endeavor to build public consensus and take effective and efficient measures to ensure the implementation of the local school-building plan.

guandream

以下是引用hncsxj在2004-9-25 6:13:00的发言：

再版：请一起奋斗的朋友们提意见

There is a public controversy nowadays over the issue of whether or not it is worthwhile to build a school in the local community or not. On one side, there is the classical view that the only purpose of a community is to house residents and building a school is not worthwhile.(this sentence structure is awkward, thereby making difficult to understand)  On the other side stands the social and environmental position,(which word is the object?) which holds that a community's purpose(new term, it is a good idea to explain what the term refers to) goes well beyond housing residents and building a school is necessary. As far as I am concerned, I strongly support the latter. In the follow discussion, I would like to reason and provide evidence to support my viewpoint.

the more complicated setence struture the essay have, the more mistakes the writer will make, and the less clear the theme statement is.

To begin with, education service is an organic part of a mature community. Modern urban planning analysis contends that community is an integrated entity, in that its success largely depends on the diverse services that it can offer. Specially, this analysis indicates that the education service plays a critical role in the community's livability. One typical example is that more than 54% of communities planned in 1970s in China gradually have declined partly due to the lack of local education services. Another example is that a wise buyer will not choose a community without a local school because it is of great trouble for him to drive a long way to take his kids to a school located in another district. Therefore, nowadays, a community without a school is no longer favored.( can you explain what is " community declined" refer to? I believe that a community refers to a neighbourhood. it is very abstract to me.)

Next, a school will benefit the community environment at least in two aspects with a growing appreciation of the importance of environment. In the view of architecture, its buildings are more vivid and characteristic than the houses or the apartments(,) and hence the school usually becomes one of the landmarks of the local area. In the view of ecology, a school may have large lawn and picturesque woods, which can purify the air, decrease the carbon dioxide and prevent noise. As a result, the school makes the community environment more beautiful and attractive.

However, dissenters may deem that a school will occupy the pricey land and lead to a tight fiscal budget. Obviously, they failed to realize that not establishing a local school would eventually have some negative effects on the sustainable development of the community. Hence, building a school is undoubtedly benefit(s) to the community.

To sum up, it is safe to reach the conclusion that building a school carries more weight to serve the community. In order to improve the community quality, we must endeavor to build public consensus and take effective and efficient measures to ensure the implementation of the local school-building plan.

good conclusion.

hncsxj,

it seems that you prefer using abstract tern or complicated sentences. it is ok, but make sure that your readerETS) can get the idea you want to express.

your point of view on the essay is very interesting and new to me.

try to get 6.

hncsxj

Thanks for guandream's revising and your encouragement!

community decline指社区衰落。不过说中国，不太准确。倒是西方downtown decline是不错的。

I took toefl last year, 247 and 5; all of the universities declined me. I have to re write and re-apply. If I cannot get a score much higher than 247, I think the same thing will happen, for 247 does not have much difference to 250 or 260.

Last year, I wrote all tests of toefl, from 1992 to 2003, pp and detalkey, so it is hard for me to get additional materials. I have to turn to GMAT reading materials. A lot of the sentences in my writing are from those materials. Because I am taking business management at a college now, some of the sentences and words are from my text books. That is why I prefer abstract words-I can only write what I read everyday. But I really find some excellent sentensces!-the more complicated setence struture the essay have, the more mistakes the writer will make, and the less clear the theme statement is.SIGH!!!(btw, that's also a wonder sentence. I believe it will appear in my next essay

I am going to take toefl on about oct 30, but i have little time to prepare for the test. Although I read and listen a lot in English every day, but they are quite different from toefl. I am afraid that my English ability goes up while the score goes down.

南瓜，你现在忙着申请吗？那是幸福的忙着啊，呵呵！

guandream

hncsxj,

thanks for your sharing your point of view on TOFEL. I admire those who are dedicated and persistent to their interest.

it is very important to put what you read into your writing, and I have the same experience. I read magazine, I would like to use complicated sentences, but make sure that the ideas are understandable. "downtown decline" is not the case in your writing, because downtown differs from the community.

donot worry, If you study hard and use this language every day, TOFEL is only piece of cake.

good luck

guandream

luoffice

我考到了这题，分数5。 用了5段式结构，字数200多，多写一点估计能有6分。我的论据如下:

1: 上下学交通减少，有利于...有利于...

2: 改善小区环境(多了活动场地)，促进人们交流（家长们住的近）

3：虽然要多交税，但学校可以提升小区价值（房子更值钱）

[此贴子已经被作者于2004-10-24 4:05:58编辑过]

hncsxj

谢谢加精！最近功课特忙。为了GPA高点，没有时间托福了。最新的作文见

http://forum.chasedream.com/dispbbs.asp?boardid=68&id=76484&star=1