作文交流贴 ISSUE 28---第五次写作以及心得兼求拍（貌似有不切题的嫌疑）

jameszhm

1.打字速度略有提高。
2.列提纲时间较长，可能本topic没有什么好想的例子
3.写作的时候会涌出一些想法，所以不必感觉提纲完全想好了再写。
4.深刻感受到语言模式变化小
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字数：428 时间：40Min
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Issue 101  "Although innovations such asvideo,computers,and the Internet seem to offer schools improved methods fori nstructing students,these technologies all too often distract from real learning."






提纲
1.不得不承认新技术会带来分心的内容和机会
2.但是新技术所带来好的方面更多。更生动的内容便不会分心
3.新技术为远程教育提供机会
4.如果给以规范，便可以规避分心的问题


Do you believe that the innovations such as the video, computers,and the Internet are all to distract from real learning while aiding the students?This question have raised the topic of how to uitilize the technology wisely rather than enjoy its side affect.It seems tempting to agree with the speaker that the side affect of using the technology as improved methods for instructing students are overwin the merits they have provided,however,I would agree with the idea that the improved methods have provided a great opportunity for the student to learn vividly,broadly as well as efficiently.

Although,I would agree that the side affect of the innovations would never be ignored.In the class ,the teachers would provided lots of entertainment through the technology like videos ,songs,movies.The students would be attracted by their form rather than the contents itself, in other words,some students come to find the improved methods are too distract from real learning.

While the side affects have been somewhat Annoying,after we have taken a close look at their advantages, we would find that the advantages have completed overshadowed the disadvantages.firstly,the Internet for example have provided the sea of information for the students,which are vividly made.It reminds of the time when I am learning English at the middle school.The materials We are taught are downloaded from the internet which are carefully written,what's more ,we are immitating the pronuciations from the videos downloaded from the material.Imaging ,if we are not taught through improved method , it would be impossible for us to learn english well,moreover, I haven't find these technologies all too often distract .

We may also find the technology have played a crucial role in fullfilling the course of distant-learning, in other words, these  technology have made the distant-learning possilbe rather than distracting.today ,we have known that these technologies have been the classrooms of so many e-learners ,which we can conclude that the improved method have a great contribution to the well-being of the human race.

Look back,after correcting the side effects of these innovations , the improved method would have more comparative advantages to real learning.For example,the entertaining time for students should be limited ,and the contents on these technologies should meet the quality standard of teaching in spite of distracting the students.

In final analysis, the functions of the innovations are not limited to the distracting aspect which can be corrected by certain regulations, the technologies also have provided the students vivid content , powerful capability through distant learning as well as other advantages comparing to the real learning.

ppguo

拍一点，
为什么要隐藏你的提纲呢。很让人闹心啊。

ppguo

不觉得跑题。
但是你一直用“side effect", 首先这个不是很恰当，这个指吃药的副作用。你可以用”negative influence".
另外，尽量不要通篇都用一个词，稍微换一下，据说这是机改里面的一个标准。

冷月钟笛

先回复一下 好看提纲

冷月钟笛

提纲很不错，第二点和第三点说的是一个东西——科技的好处；最后一点实际上是在回顾科技的利弊，然后期望扬长避短，这层感觉很好！
1. 第一段“Although,...” 有这样用的吗？Although是连词啊~
2. 第一段老师提供先进技术辅助教学，entertainment，说得感觉有点像老师带着学生玩，而不像辅助技术让孩子们市区注意力；
3. if we are not taught through improved method , it would be impossible for us to learn english well， 这话说得有点绝对啊~ 似乎把科技的作用放大到第一位了。而实际上，它们最多也就是辅助工具而已；另外这一段最好多对比着写，才能更好的突显科技辅助的作用；
4. 制定规范写得太笼统了，例子几乎等于没给~

ppguo

继续加油啊

竹林中人

1.根据你的提纲，应该是带有适度让步的否定，那么你在首段的thesis中要能体现出这种让步，而不是完全赞成。
2..It seems tempting to agree with the speaker that the side affect of using the technology as improved methods for instructing students are overwin the merits they have provided,however，这句话略显啰嗦，可以简洁些，另外这句话有点没说服力，为啥啊？你需要一个简单的理由，比如说，如果我们不深入了解technology的作用或者说我们只看到了一些表面的现象和个例就会这样，这样我们就认为你对题目有真正的理解。
3.第一段过于简洁。
4.While the side affects have been somewhat Annoying,after we have taken a close look at their advantages, we would find that the advantages have completed overshadowed the disadvantages.这样的表述个人觉得不妥，连续两个状语，这么长，显得头重脚轻，第二个状语可挪到湖面的。
5. the sea of information
6.what's more ,we are immitating the pronuciations from the videos downloaded from the material.？？？
7.I haven't find these technologies all too often distract .distract 是动词，你当adj用了
8.第四段，说服力不强，你提到了远程网络课堂，那么你就更应该吐出它的优点，而不是一句话就概括了，比如说为偏远地区的孩子提供了很好的受教育的机会，或者国内的学生可以获取到国外的优质教学资源等等这样才更有说服力，一个 well-bing of the human race 难以服众哦亲
9.总的看来，可能你真的没想好提纲，你所提到的论证你观点的例子只有两个，然后你的论证太过简单，没有说明你的例子怎么样能shape your position。
 我是边学习范文，边修改的，有什么不当的地方，还请包涵吧，多多交流

ppguo

"Jameszhu" 童鞋，怎么对我们的拍拍没有反应啊？

jameszhm

ppguo真心对不起 这两天帮老板干活累的很
明天我们继续哈~~

jameszhm

嗯 当时词穷 只能想到这些 不过我觉得side affect也有一定的道理。