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花N久写好的第一篇作文,请NN们拍砖!!不甚感激

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楼主
发表于 2010-10-20 00:01:41 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式
TPOIC 1eople attend college or university for many different reasons. Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answers.

Nowadays the majority of the students choose to attend college or university after graduating from high school. There are numerous reasons why do people attend college, undoubtedly making a further study, broadening horizons and preparing for the job-hunting should be listed.

The essential benefit of attending college is that one can acquire knowledge in a more systematic way. As we all know, college education is a        specialized education and students can select majors which they are interested in flexibly. Therefore they can concentrate on developing and enhancing their specialties. As a result, college students have theoretic advantages than that who does not attend college.

Additionally, colleges have various club activities which can broaden your horizons. For example, student union, which is full of competition. In this union, students have to get more involved in the activities, like election campaigns, planning Christmas party, or organizing lectures sometimes. Our capability for communication, organization and management are developed enormously through the active participation. Also, every club is full of people from the different places, and then you can make friend with everyone. Using this method, not only can you learn different customs in different districts without traveling, but also you can learn the quite distinct ways of thinking.

Finally, in addition to acquiring more knowledge and experiences, college experience offers access to jobs with a clear path. For example, excellent GPA and abundant practical experiences can make your resume more attractive. Employers are willing to pay a premium for highly qualified applicants. Besides, a college degree could afford opportunities for advancement and graduate study.

In conclusion, attending college is an indispensable experience throughout life.Not only can it enrich our knowledge and horizons, but also it can point out the way forward.
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沙发
 楼主| 发表于 2010-10-20 00:02:55 | 只看该作者
字数总共是289,请问这样会不会少了?
板凳
发表于 2010-10-20 00:39:58 | 只看该作者
你的文章结构清晰,各论证段比例合适,在语言上存在着一些从句指代,并列结构,词语固定搭配和使用地道性的问题。分数得4分应该没问题。但是你比较大的问题可能有两个

1. 正如你所说得,字数不够会影响你的成绩,这是一个人语言能力的一个体现。
2. 要是要加字数的话,建议你可以在例子上下手,好的例子笔墨不多,却能体现你的思维缜密和语言丰富。

总体还是不错的,加油!
地板
 楼主| 发表于 2010-10-20 08:56:04 | 只看该作者
谢谢指导哈,我写这篇用了挺久的时间,一直不停地查字典,唉。。。功力还不到家
5#
发表于 2010-10-20 10:42:06 | 只看该作者
其实你自己应该也感觉到了,文章从都开始写的挺好,但是到了最后两段,语言上的错误就开始多了。。。呵呵。加油吧,一开始慢慢来,之后去提高速度吧,想你来得及!
6#
 楼主| 发表于 2010-10-21 09:03:23 | 只看该作者
恩,恩,谢谢哈
能不能请你帮我仔细修改一下我的作文啊?如果你有时间的话
7#
发表于 2010-10-21 09:30:41 | 只看该作者
帮顶
8#
发表于 2010-10-21 10:57:07 | 只看该作者
TPOIC 1eople attend college or university for many different reasons. Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answers.

Nowadays the majority of the students/high school graduates choose to attend college or university after graduating from high school/delete. There are numerous reasons why do people attend college/behind their decision, undoubtedly/among them are, making a further study/receiving advanced education , broadening horizons and preparing for the job-hunting (你不觉得这一点有些牵强吗?难道不上道学就不能准备找工作吗,建议你改成shooting for a lucrative job) should be listed/delete .

The essential benefit of attending college is that one can acquire knowledge in a more systematic way. As we all know, college education is a  specialized education/most universities consist of distinct schools where students can select majors which they are interested in flexibly/delete. Therefore/During the four years in college, they can concentrate on developing and enhancing their specialties. As a result, college students/graduates generally have theoretic advantages/an edge in academics than that who does/those who chose not +to attend college.

Additionally, colleges have various club activities which/a selection of campus activities can broaden your/students' horizons. For example, student union, which/delete is full of competition. In this/student union, students have to get more involved/can practice their social and organizational skills through a range of activities, like/such as election campaigns, planning/delete Christmas party, or organizing lectures/seminars sometimes. Our capability for communication, organization and management are developed/develops enormously through the/delete active participation. Also, every/many clubs is full of/open to people from the/delete different places, and then you/students can make friend with everyone +else. Using this method/By doing this, not only can you/one learn different customs in different districts/the cultures of different countries without traveling, but also you canlearn the quite/delete distinct ways of thinking.

(这段话语言问题暂且不说,你的切入点有偏差,你的理由是: 因为公司招人时偏好高GPA和专业实践经验多的学生, 所以要去大学读书。那我我可以反问,难道不读大学就没有高GPA和专业经验?建议你改成大学时进入高端企业的敲门砖,之后再花时间比较高中毕业和大学毕业的就业面区别。我觉得这样的论述更有效)Finally, in addition to acquiring more knowledge and experiences, college experience offers access to jobs with a clear path(irrelevant). For example, excellent GPA and abundant practical experiences can make your resume more attractive. Employers are willing to pay a premium for highly qualified applicants. Besides, a college degree could afford opportunities for advancement/career development and graduate study.

In conclusion, attending college is an indispensable experience throughout life/for people in the modern era(这句话与题目无关,只是问你上大学的原因,没问你为什么一定要去大学). Not only can it enrich+esour/people's knowledge and horizons, but also it can point out the way forward(这句话太抽象).
-- by 会员 200704044127 (2010/10/20 0:01:41)








画出的是我建议修改的,修改的部分不一定存在正确性的问题,通篇印象,抽象论述太多没有例子,没有足够的说服力。
9#
发表于 2010-10-21 14:05:37 | 只看该作者
MrGelato,能留个邮箱吗?想请教一篇作文,总感觉这篇写不好
10#
 楼主| 发表于 2010-10-21 19:30:26 | 只看该作者
十分感谢!!
我写这篇作文时,除了写第二点时我感觉能举出例子来,其他两个论点实在是有些举不出来,我自己也发现了这个弱点
谢谢了啊
我把这篇作文再好好改改,到时候再来请教你,行吗?
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