Ask Jason@沃顿 (my essays inside!) Free essay advice again~

cannedpineapple

On 'selling yourself', and being 'specific' in your application. Another poster wrote this:

 在写作Essay中常出现的一些常见错误
在大家写作MBA Essay的过程中，通常会出现一些很常见的错误，我们会定期将我们修改过程中遇到的一些问题给大家讲一下，希望能对大家的Essay 写作会有帮助。如果你在写作Essay过程中有什么问题需要我们来回答的话，我们也会很乐意将你的问题反馈到我们的Editor， 我们的Editor 会尽快给你答复的。
-I think the number 1 mistake is being too general.  I notice this with writers of every level.  When you write these admissions essays or resumes, you want to be specific.  eople remember specific examplesand stories a lot more than general statements.  For example, it is notgood to say "I will be a great graduate student because I am smart." It is much more powerful to say "I will be a great graduate student,because I finished in the top 5 on a competitive university entranceexam, I achieved high honors every semester in school, etc."  So, insummary, be specific and sell yourself a lot!

Here is my response:

I don't agree with being too general. If anything, most essays I've read are too specific.  It is indeed not good to say, "I will be a great graduate student because I am smart." But neither is it good to say, "I will be a great graduate student,because I finished in the top 5 on a competitive university entrance exam, I achieved high honors every semester in school, etc."

The latter sentence is what the resume is for. You're wasting space and adding nothing by regurgitating this. In fact, you may be hurting yourself. Hiding behind your achievements shows weakness. The more you try to 'sell your achievements', the more I think, you're afraid that if you don't back something up with achievements, I won't believe you- I wonder what you're trying to hide...

Instead, the way to write good essays is to be self-reflective, to explain the decisions you've made, and how you made them. The 'how' and 'why' is far more important than the 'what'. Instead of TELLING them that you're smart- be it by saying 'I'm smart', or by saying 'I finished in the top 5'- you should SHOW it to them, in the way you think and write.  So instead a good sentence might go, "I believe I will be a good graduate student because my experiences have showed me that I still have much to learn, especially in the following ways...". This shows humility, it shows self-confidence, and it shows that you are aware of your own failures and short-comings. Finally, it also shows that you know that to be a good student, you first have to admit that you LACK something. Your approach suggests the opposite. If you're so smart, and so good, why do you even need an MBA in the first place? I've read countless essays that say, "I'm the next world genius in finance... which is why I need to come to Wharton to do finance." And I think: "yeah, if you're so great, I'm having trouble understanding why you need to come here to learn anything else!"

This, btw, is why many schools ask you to discuss a failure, which can be just as revealing as an achievement.

Another way many applicants are way too specific: "I want to come to Wharton to do this class under this professor". All this shows is that you've googled our curriculum, and you know there are classes here that look interesting. But that's true of every school. How does this differentiate our school from others? It doesn't. You need something more general, like, "the classes at Wharton blend the case method with a more theoretical approach, which suits my style of learning."

But everyone has a different writing style- perhaps a more specific approach will work for you and your editors; it doesn't for me.

Jason

Original thread here:
http://forum.chasedream.com/North_American_MBA/thread-429646-1-1.html

withmoon

Hiding behind your achievements shows weakness.

CDi

Volunteer?

无论是什么, 你应该很不错.

louis_huang

Hi Jason,

I invite my part-time boss to write a recommendation for me. Since he can only write in Chinese, I ask a third-party to translate it into English. Should I explain this to school and provide the Chinese version for their reference? I do not see any space in the application system for me to provide additional materials. Want to have your advise! Thanks

cannedpineapple

CDi> what volunteer?

louis_huang> Sounds reasonable to me.

cannedpineapple

我先将我们的editor Philip 的建议总结一下，方便大家的阅读，Philip 说在写作Essay 过程中有几个常出现的错误，
Number 1 mistake is being too general.
Number 2 mistake is that many are too wordy.
Number 3 is that many essays have word or page limits.  This means every sentence should have meaning and contribute something to your essay. Sometimes I see sentences that don't really say anything.  If you have sentences like this, delete them.
Number 4 is that resumes that aren't very consistent.  By this, I mean the fonts, the font sizes, the alignment, all of these things should be consistent and look nice.  They should not change in the same document.
Number 5 is to explain things that aren't self-explanatory.  If you write that won an award or if you use initials, most people will not understand what those initials mean if you do not write them out.
然后再Number 1 mistake 中 Philip比较了一下 "I will be a great graduate student because I am smart." 和 "I will be a great graduate student, because I finished in the top 5 on a competitive university entrance exam, I achieved high honors every semester in school, etc."  两个句子。他举这两个例子的目的是想说明specific 的例子比general 的例子更加有说服力。
Jason的意见主要是不同意 Philip提到的Number 1 mistake, 对其他几条建议倒是没有什么问题。Jason 认为 “perhaps a more specific approach will work for you and your editors; it doesn't for me” . 其实在Jason 自己举的例子中 Another way many applicants are way too specific: "I want to come to Wharton to do this class under this professor". All this shows is that you've googled our curriculum, and you know there are classes here that look interesting. But that's true of every school. How does this differentiate our school from others? It doesn't. You need something more general, like, "the classes at Wharton blend the case method with a more theoretical approach, which suits my style of learning." 我认为他的前一个例子应该是 more general， 因为大部分申请者都知道某个学校的某个professor, 所以在写why school的时候都会用到这一点，这样就非常的general而没有闪光点, 我们认为申请者应根据自己的特点和背景再结合学校的特长来写 more specific 的Essay， 这也是他后一个例子中谈到的。过一会我会将我们Best Writing 的 editor Philip 的意见贴上来。 同时希望这些讨论能对大家的Essay 写作有帮助。

I don't agree with being too general. If anything, most essays I've read are too specific.  It is indeed not good to say, "I will be a great graduate student because I am smart." But neither is it good to say, "I will be a great graduate student,because I finished in the top 5 on a competitive university entrance exam, I achieved high honors every semester in school, etc."

The latter sentence is what the resume is for. You're wasting space and adding nothing by regurgitating this. In fact, you may be hurting yourself. Hiding behind your achievements shows weakness. The more you try to 'sell your achievements', the more I think, you're afraid that if you don't back something up with achievements, I won't believe you- I wonder what you're trying to hide...

Instead, the way to write good essays is to be self-reflective, to explain the decisions you've made, and how you made them. The 'how' and 'why' is far more important than the 'what'. Instead of TELLING them that you're smart- be it by saying 'I'm smart', or by saying 'I finished in the top 5'- you should SHOW it to them, in the way you think and write. So instead a good sentence might go, "I believe I will be a good graduate student because my experiences have showed me that I still have much to learn, especially in the following ways...". This shows humility, it shows self-confidence, and it shows that you are aware of your own failures and short-comings. Finally, it also shows that you know that to be a good student, you first have to admit that you LACK something. Your approach suggests the opposite. If you're so smart, and so good, why do you even need an MBA in the first place? I've read countless essays that say, "I'm the next world genius in finance... which is why I need to come to Wharton to do finance." And I think: "yeah, if you're so great, I'm having trouble understanding why you need to come here to learn anything else!"

This, btw, is why many schools ask you to discuss a failure, which can be just as revealing as an achievement.

Another way many applicants are way too specific: "I want to come to Wharton to do this class under this professor". All this shows is that you've googled our curriculum, and you know there are classes here that look interesting. But that's true of every school. How does this differentiate our school from others? It doesn't. You need something more general, like, "the classes at Wharton blend the case method with a more theoretical approach, which suits my style of learning."

But everyone has a different writing style- perhaps a more specific approach will work for you and your editors; it doesn't for me.

Jason
-- by 会员 jelt2359 (2009/12/30 6:10:34)

-- by 会员 小罗罗 (2009/12/31 0:05:40)

Sure, my negative example is 'general in that most applicants will do this'; but most applicants don't know that, they think they are being 'specific' by giving details like names and classes. But your sentence might be guilty of the same error. Applicants mistake 'listing my achievements as a student' as a 'specific thing'. In fact, everyone will have some good results to show- and everyone will do this in their resumes already. So according to your logic, this is a 'general' thing that may not differentiate many students. You'll be surprised how many students apply with stellar academic backgrounds.

Instead, the more 'specific' point, that differentiates one student from another, is his thinking and his rationale, since no two people think the same way. A better sentence- fitting with your logic- is, "I am a good student because I think in a mature way, and I will show you how I think by clearly explaining my 'specific' rationales for a career; for a school; for the choices I've made... and if you need more general details about the results to this- afterall, everyone has some results to show- please check my resume."

I agree with your other points.

Having said that, this 'better sentence', ("I will be a great graduate student, because I finished in the top 5 on a competitive university entrance exam, I achieved high honors every semester in school, etc.") in my opinion actually violates mistake 3. Like I said, this is merely repeating what is in the resume- it is a waste of space, in that sense, and instead you would be better off saying something else.

I realise this is not addressing your original mistake #1 anymore- general vs specific. But insofar as people look to your examples to understand what you mean by general vs specific, I felt I had to address your examples because I do not believe CDers should look at the two sentences and say, 'yes, this other one is better, and let's use that', because that misses a big mistake that I have seen, that perhaps you might not have seen in the essays you've looked at. In my opinion, a good candidate triumphs his weaknesses as much as his strengths, because he knows that awareness of one's weakness gives you the potential to improve on them. A poor candidate hides behind his strengths.

That would be my mistake #1, and to me is a very useful thing that many candidates should bear in mind. To 'sell your weakness' in an essay is a VERY counter-intuitive thing to do, which is why I believe it is of value for a CDer to understand this. Many of your mistakes- like proper formatting- are in my mind a easier to correct, and also more intuitive. Although oftentimes, it is easy to accept the principle, but difficult to truly execute, like how your example could be read as violating your own rules- depending on the context. I've interpreted them in a particular context here, but there are other contexts in which your example would work perfectly fine. For instance, if an important part of how and why you made certain decisions, is linked to the process by which you had gotten those academic honours.
In summary,

1) I have a different mistake #1 that I wish to highlight, because I believe that many applicants make it, and they don't realise that it is a problem: that hiding behind achievements shows weakness.

2) I try to show this by using your example, which while in a certainspecific context might be the right thing to say, I've interpreted in adifferent context, one where 'let's use specific achievements tojustify our sentences' is in fact a show of weakness.

3) Because everyone has specific achievements, listing one's 'specificachievements' can in fact be seen as a 'too general' approach. Afterall, a lot of students can say, "I won academic honours in school".Instead, the 'specific' approach might be to focus on your reasoningprocess- since everyone thinks differently.

4) Lastly, since this same information of honours, etc are also in the resume, this might violate your own mistake #3. Space is indeed precious; why repeat information that is already somewhere else in the application?

Jason

newborn2009

Another way many applicants are way too specific: "I want to come to Wharton to do this class under this professor". All this shows is that you've googled our curriculum, and you know there are classes here that look interesting. But that's true of every school. How does this differentiate our school from others? It doesn't. You need something more general, like, "the classes at Wharton blend the case method with a more theoretical approach, which suits my style of learning."
--------------------

Don't agree on this point. Mix of case and lecture is not differentiating Wharton from other schools. As far as I know, some other schools also offer such teaching style.

Besides, I think as long as applicants know clearly what they want out of academic learning, mentioning classes/professors should be proper. I think the fit is between what you need and what the school can offer. Sometimes, the specific details could show your sincere interest.

哈哈，个人意见仅供讨论，已删掉例子，以免误导

cannedpineapple

Another way many applicants are way too specific: "I want to come to Wharton to do this class under this professor". All this shows is that you've googled our curriculum, and you know there are classes here that look interesting. But that's true of every school. How does this differentiate our school from others? It doesn't. You need something more general, like, "the classes at Wharton blend the case method with a more theoretical approach, which suits my style of learning."
--------------------

Don't agree on this point. Mix of case and lecture is not differentiating Wharton from other schools. As far as I know, some other schools also offer such teaching style.

Besides, I think as long as applicants know clearly what they want out of academic learning, mentioning classes/professors should be proper. I think the fit is between what you need and what the school can offer. Sometimes, the specific details could show your sincere interest.

哈哈，个人意见仅供讨论，已删掉例子，以免误导

-- by 会员 newborn2009 (2009/12/31 6:29:16)

Of course other schools offer such teaching styles. You would expect a good style to be copied.

The difference between my second sentence and my first one, is that the second one involves a choice that the school has made. A school chooses to go with a certain style, and that also means it is choosing to give up another style. In turn, giving up a certain style means that they are giving up a certain group of students, since this style will be suitable for some students, but not all.

In contrast, 'this school has this class and this teacher' is much less of a 'choice that a school makes', and depends on things like, which teacher is on holiday.. which visiting scholar is there... etc. What IS a choice linked to curriculum is potentially- 'do we have a fixed core?' Again, this is a meaningful choice for you to consider when thinking about fit NOT because nobody else does it this way; but because by choosing one way, the school is giving up another equally good way of moving forward.

In short, a school's choice of a way to educate is meaningful and differentiated not when it has not been copied. (Indeed, one may argue the opposite- if its way to educate is so good, others will quickly copy it). Instead, it is a point of 'differentiation' because making that choice means that the school (and others who will copy that school) have to GIVE UP a certain target audience who might prefer another method. In this case giving up a market has its benefits- instead you can focus on ensuring that those who DO choose that school, are in a programme that is a better fit for their wants and needs.

This is what schools are looking for. This perhaps is point number 2 to look out for (point number 1 being, 'a strong applicant knows and is able to admit/talk about his weaknesses'). When writing "why a school", look for choices the school had made, that had made it give up another set of equally valid choices. By giving up one set of students, the school can better target another set. Your job (by understanding their choices) is to show that you are the student that they aim to target.

Jason

newborn2009

每次看Jason 的回帖都有些似是而非的晕，今天有些明白了，原来是Jason同学的理论水平太高了，到达了哲学思辨的境界。

cannedpineapple

每次看Jason 的回帖都有些似是而非的晕，今天有些明白了，原来是Jason同学的理论水平太高了，到达了哲学思辨的境界。

-- by 会员 newborn2009 (2009/12/31 8:10:36)

This has nothing to do with philosophy. I learnt this at business school, actually. If your strategy doesn't involve trade-offs, anybody can copy it without cost. It is not a source of competitive advantage. Similarly, marketing people know that in order to sell a product, you need to target it specifically to a certain segment, and give up other segments. Walmart doesn't try to go after those who will shop at LVMH; LVMH doesn't want the Walmart client in their stores either. If you try to be everything to everyone, you fail.

Simple business concepts.. appropriately applied, to the business school application process.